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The Boys 'Round Here

Twenty-Six

James felt like shit. Not that he’d ever admit that, but fighting with the boys took the swagger right out of him. They used to love this stuff - running around, talking big, living the life they’d dreamed of since they were kids. Suddenly everyone seemed old and stuck, shacked up. Fuck, even Tavares had a girlfriend. What they fuck was that about?

Probably some mouse he met at book club, James thought meanly. John was a nice enough guy, if you liked squares, but out of all the NHL stars he knew Tavares took the least advantage. He didn’t seem to even know he could have his pick - he drove an Audi for Christ’s sake. He wore khakis. On the other hand James felt like he was in a race, grabbing everything he could as it flew by, before time ran out on his NHL career and he was stuck behind a bench somewhere in junior, hoping to be invited to alumni games. James didn’t spend all his money - he was too smart for that - but he spent all his energy getting the most out of life.

Maybe that’s why I’m tired. The rocket ride to the top, the ups and downs of first round-exits, injuries and the daily grind had taken their toll. James’ body was coming around the game shape as they drew closer to August. His heart was nothing matter.

He had taken advantage of his status. In Pittsburgh, like in Whitby, being the name on the back of an NHL sweater meant doors opened and skirts went up. There had been plenty of both. James wondered if he’d run through those already, and if he was lucky to be on the other side.

But when he got home from the gym, Meghan wasn’t there. Nor did she turn up during the day, humming some crappy boy band song to herself, wearing the shit out of a t-shirt like few girls James had ever known. Instead the house stayed quiet, like it missed her too.

He called his brothers, who were always ready for a good time. They took the boat, tried spinning each other off the wakeboard, drank too many beers. James texted her but got no reply - that’s the way they’d been headed since he couldn’t keep his mouth shut or his hands off her. If only he could find another way to make her understand.
____

The morning came but still no Meghan. Just a slight hangover from too much fun too late the night before. And James’ car wouldn’t start. By the time Stamkos picked him up, blasting some indie rock chick music, James already had a headache. Maybe Stammer had his period - it would explain the fight. Or maybe James was just an asshole. With that in mind, James flipped the station to something rock. The pounding added to the pain in his head but it was better than sad Stamkos.

“Where’s your girlfriend, boys?” Gary asked.

James had no idea. Her parents’ probably but he just mumbled, “Dunno.” He didn’t want Tavares and Stamkos to know she was taking off on him regularly these days. It was just another of many problems James needed to fix. Robs - ever cruel with a joke - replaced Meghan with some bruiser named Bruno who looked like he flipped cars for fun and set the boys into another contest of burpee pull-ups. They pushed-up and pulled-up, burning off beer after beer like Robs knew exactly what James had been up to the night before. As the alcohol evaporated like sweat, James’ head finally did clear.

By the twentieth rep, James knew he couldn’t win. And that something needed to change.

Sometime later, he lay flat on his back on a mat. It could have been an hour or a week; prisoners tended to lose track of time during torture. All James knew was his heart pumped clear, unleaded blood and he felt like now was the time.


“Hey guys, wait up,” he called, catching up to Steven and John on the way to the lockers. “I meant to ask you – you have plans for the long weekend?”

The holiday was a week away - four long days that marked the peak of every summer he could remember since he was old enough for fun. The best thing to do right now was get away from everything.

“No, nothing yet,” John shrugged. “What’s up?”

“I rented a place, up on Balsam, just a few hours north,” James lied. He hadn’t booked anything yet but he could. He would, as soon as they said yes. “Thought maybe all of us could go up for the weekend, take the boat up, bring our girls? You should bring your new girl, man.”

He felt Steven’s gaze narrow into tiny points of heat. “Oh, so another one of your bender parties?”

Jesus, give me a fucking break. “Relax, Stammer,” he laughed. “I meant Johnny’s new girl, and Meghan. Oh, and Kaylynn too. Just because she’s not going with you to Tampa doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be—.”

Turn. Stomp. James clenched his hand into a fist as Steven stormed away. John was shaking his head.

“I’m not driving your ass home,” Tavares said.

James hustled, doubling his pace when Steven dropped into the driver’s side with clear intent to leave him behind. Just what he needed: another fight.

“Jesus, you really are a chick sometimes.”

Steven, his knuckles white on the steering wheel, said, “Get the fuck out of my car.”

“Stammer—”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! Christ, you never know when to stop, do you?”

Woah, James thought. He’d been expecting a chirp not a full out yell. Stamkos was a lot more angry than expected. “Look, if this is about Meghan and those chicks at the bar—.”

“You have been a complete fuck up when it comes to that girl,” Steven said. James made to interrupt and was silenced by a hand held up in front of his face. “Whatever is – or isn’t – happening with you guys…isn’t my problem.”

James bristled. “Then what the hell is your problem?!”

Steven put his head back again the seat. “Everything you have said about Kaylynn and I—”

“Oh, here we go,” James scoffed..

“This is what I’m talking about!” Steven yelled, again catching James off guard. “You’re supposed to be one of my best friends and here you are, talking like she’s some random fucking chick I picked up, like I don’t even give a shit about her.”

“Steven,” James cut in. He never called his friends by their given names but this time he was serious. Stamkos noticed, and paused. “It’s time you face facts. She’s not coming with you.”

Why couldn’t his friend see it? Or better yet, how had Stamkos managed to pick the one girl in Ontario who didn’t want to follow and NHL superstar and his money to the warm beaches of hockey paradise? The girls James met would’ve given years off their lives for that. This Kaylynn girl, well, she seemed cool but mostly she seemed resistant. Hesitant. James didn’t understand how that only seemed make Steven want her more.

“You’re wrong, man.” Steven dropped the car into gear. “And you’ve confused Kaylynn with Meghan. If anyone’s not coming with you, it’s her.”

Fuck you, James almost said. But maybe Kaylynn wasn’t the only girl who wouldn’t follow.
____

John was thinking. It was Tuesday night and Meghan been at his house since the previous evening and their date to the Royal Ontario Museum. Plus the rest of the night after. Normally it would put John on could nine to have Meghan stay over two nights in a row, but this wasn’t entirely about him. Meghan was still mad about the fight James had started at the gym.

Maybe I shouldn’t have told her, John thought. He wasn’t the type to keep things from people and frankly, the one secret in their relationship was big enough for both of them. Yet John found himself now omitting new information from that morning’s scene: James had invited them away for the long weekend. John thought Neal was making amends until James had said “our girls.”

Our girls. It made John want the throw up. James had suggested they each bring a date - Steven and Kaylynn, John and the “girlfriend” he’d conjured out of thin air in defense of skipping boys night. And of course, James meant Meghan for himself. The Meghan currently occupying half John’s couch, wearing his t-shirt, her bright pink toenails in his hands. The Meghan who’d bought lingerie just to turn him on, as if he didn’t feel week from head to toe everytime he saw her. The one who had a key to his house and said New York was on the list.

The Meghan I’m falling in love with. John bit his lip to keep from growling. Our girls. Fuck off. This is MY girl.

John looked at Meghan and wondered for the thousandth time how he’d ended up with the girl from the gym. She was beautiful, of course. She was smart and funny and kind, that much he would have guessed. Still John was surprised by the most interesting thing about Meghan, the biggest mystery: she liked him. Really liked him. She said as much but he could feel it too.

And I’m asking for more.

He was wary of pushing Meghan to do the one and only thing she had been reluctant to do - tell James about their relationship. Especially when he planned to continue making requests.

Come to New York. Be with me.

John could live without James knowing. His pride wanted to make Neal eat crow but John was trying to be better than that. Sore winners were the worst in his book and John knew he’d won - at least for now - the biggest prize on the board. Telling James was equal parts pride and practicality, so John approached the subject carefully.

“Can I tell you something I’ve never told you before?” John asked.

Meghan turned her face from the TV, where a commercial had started.

“It’s something I am never going to tell you again.”

A curious smile flickered to her lips. “What?”

“Go home,” he said. Meghan started to reply, but John kept going. “I know you’re mad, I don’t want to make things harder for you. You’ve been… nicer to Neal than I think he deserves, and I admire that.”

Meghan fought the urge to close her eyes. Guilt was so close to the surface and only John could find something to compliment in her cowardice.

John saw his chance to tell her more, and opted to let it pass. “Go home, baby. Sort this out. I’d rather have one big fight with him than a bunch of these little ones all summer.”
____

Meghan’s mind wandered on the drive home. She couldn’t help it. James had called twice, both were unanswered on her phone. One side of her brain said she was making something out of nothing - so James wanted her, big deal. He’d taken his sweet time reaching that conclusion, he could have forever to get no through his head. The other side wanted to let him down easy, this guy who didn’t trust anyone or value relationships. Meghan didn’t want her “no” to be the last one he ever bothered hearing. Lost in thought on the highway, she barely noticed the line of traffic exiting at her usual spot. She maneuvered in behind the last car and came to a stop. Imagined conversations played over in her mind as she flicked her eyes toward the rear view mirror and the car driving full speed into her trunk.
____

“Miss? Miss? Is there someone we can call?”

The EMT repeated his question. Meghan, standing on the side of the highway next to the wreckage of her car, did not reply. He held up her phone, retrieved from wherever it had landed when a blue Saab rear-ended her at sixty miles an hour. It beeped, battery was nearly dead. The man was about to ask again when it rang.

“Perfect,” he said.

Meghan was fine. The impact had totalled her car, even bending the roof, but the safety cage inside the boxy old thing she jokingly called Professor McGonigal had done it’s job. The Saab had a crushed front end but a sturdy middle as well, and the woman who’d been behind the wheel was frantically gesturing in conversation with a police officer. Meghan felt detached as she watched the surreal scene.

I hardly even saw that. I couldn’t have avoided it.

The EMT returned. “Okay miss, someone’s coming to get you. Your phone’s dead, but he knows where to meet us. Come on, you can ride up front.”

They quizzed as they drove about how she felt, asking again if she wanted medical attention. Meghan declined. They explained that her car would be flatbed towed and she could call tomorrow about having the insurance adjustor look at it. Their crisp efficiency calmed Meghan - clearly they handled plenty of accidents. She was lucky.

Once they reached the hospital, Meghan was doubly glad to be unhurt. The emergency room waiting area was tense - nearly silent, no one moving. It was nothing like the chaos of ERs on television. Compared to these people, Meghan’s accident was nothing. Families waited, every head turning when the door opened. She avoided their gazes and sat down where she could see the entrance. Her dead phone was in her purse, which a firefighter retrieved. He’d even brought back the Chapstick she kept in the dash.

Someone coughed. A kid asked a question and was quickly hushed. Everyone seemed afraid to draw attention, lest bad news be looking for them. After ten minutes of watching out the door, Meghan saw a familiar shape jogging across the circular drive. She got up and ran toward it.

“Are you okay?” James’ arms were already around her before the question was finished. He squeezed Meghan so tightly she groaned, then he stepped back to examine her. “They said you were okay.”

One nod and then Meghan burst into tears.

“Oh boy.” James curled her back in. No cuts or bruises, casts or crutches, but from what the voice on the phone had said she’d been through something very scary.

“I’m okay,” she said, hiccuping tears. Between getting outside the stale hospital air and the look of absolute panic on James’ face, Meghan fell apart. Her legs wobbled, breath caught. James turned her toward the lot.

In the car, she settled down enough to tell him about the accident, stopping for deep breaths when she felt a sob coming on. At home, James steered her up to her room, pulled a pair of shorts and a t-shirt from her dresser and turned his back while she changed. He didn’t even think about peeking. Once she was done, he helped her slide under the blanket. Then James pulled it into place, kicked off his shoes and lay down on top of it. His chest rested against her back and his arm around her waist.

“You’re okay,” he said quietly. “You’re home.”

“It was really scary,” she said.

James closed his eyes. “You’re telling me.”
____

The first thing Meghan felt was tight. The cover was tight around her body, anchored by a big, heavy arm around her waist.

James.

A tidal wave of guilt rushed up - he’d slept in her bed, holding her, like everything she’d said they couldn’t be. At the same time he’d been the best friend. Her best friend.

John. Her heart ached. It should have been John.

Meghan hadn’t asked James to come get her - someone else did - but she hadn’t done anything else either. With a dead phone she couldn’t have called John because she hadn’t memorized his number. At home she could have plugged in but instead had let James put her to bed - and stay.

“I have to…,” she mumbled, but at the slightest motion it turned into a groan. Fire spread across her back, stabbing out from the center like a spider’s web. She gasped in the noise she hadn’t meant to make. The tightness wasn’t just a blanket and a boy, it was Meghan’s own body.

“Whiplash,” James said groggily. “It’s going to get worse for a day or two before it starts to fade.”

He grasped Meghan’s shoulder and held her still as he removed his body from where it had been holding hers up. With easy strength, James maneuvered Meghan onto her back. She hissed at the pain across her upper back and shoulders. She’d known to expect stiffness, but this seemed intense considering she’d walked away from the accident. By the time she lay flat there were tears in her eyes.

James propped up on one arm, his long body alongside hers. He wanted to wipe the pain from her face and replace it with a smile. Looking down at her, feeling protective on top of a thousand other things, it was the first time he ever really considered the joy of waking up to the same person every day.

She exhaled deeply, settling into her new position. It would take a minute for her body to adjust.

“Thank you,” she said.

James had been surly the last few times he’d seen Meghan. He came home from boys’ night out to hopes of her but she was gone. He’d woken to her making breakfast, then memories of drinking and flirting had soured his stomach. Nothing like a fight with his Stamkos to top if all off. James wondered if Meghan knew about that, because she’d certainly care. It would be one more reason why she was right to turn him down. She could do better.

All at once, James couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t look at her, couldn’t hold himself up. He couldn’t want something so much with no hope of having it, knowing she already gave him more than he deserved. Maybe he wasn’t the good person she needed. Maybe she was the only way he ever would be.

“I’m sorry,” he said, dropping down flat and pressing his face in next to her hair.

Meghan’s heart leapt in surprise. “For whaaaaaaahhhhhhhohgod.” Instinct made her roll toward him, whiplash held her back. The twist brought new tears to her eyes and she sucked in a breath.

“Don’t move,” James mumbled, not moving himself. He didn’t want her looking at him anyway.

“James, what’s wrong?”

I want to love you. I should love you. I don’t know where to start, he thought. But his body, as ever, had the keys to his brain and so James put his arm around Meghan’s waist and lay there, by her side, wishing there were nothing more between them but the inch on his bed. That he could handle. This gap between their hearts was something else.

“I have been a jerk. I know it. I just…,” James stopped. He just wanted to kiss her, ranked right behind the urge to cry. How Meghan could still be here seemed a miracle and James knew he didn’t deserve it. “I want things to stay the way they are.”

Heat rose in Meghan’s face until it stung her eyes. She was a little fragile from the accident, but more so from her complete failure to reach out to John when she needed someone most. Instead she had collapsed back to old reliable, selfish Meghan and ended up with James.

Maybe I’m meant to, she thought. Maybe we deserve each other.

“We will always be friends,” she said.
“I mean…,” James ground his teeth. Say it if it’s true, tell her everything. Man up. The words were on his tongue, thick as glue, sticking together into something unintelligible.

Meghan held her breath, praying: Not now. Not like this. After James had rushed to help her, stayed the night and been there, actually been there for her, Meghan didn’t want this to be the moment he said something he couldn’t take back. Something they’d never get over.

“I want you back. Here, around the house. Don’t be scared of me.”

It tumbled out of James’ mouth, a half-truth that was very true indeed. He missed Meghan, and worried about why she stayed away, where she was, who she was with. To James’ own surprise it wasn’t possessive as much as comforting - if Meghan were still around, he couldn’t be that bad. No matter how many best friends he fought with.

“I won’t kiss you again,” he added.

“James,” she said quietly. It took a moment, but Meghan turned until she faced him, though James’ cheek was buried in the bedclothes. She was able to move her arm enough to brush back the long hair that curled along his cheek. Slowly, James opened his big, blue-green eyes. “I’m not scared of you.”

His mouth didn’t give the hint of a smile she’d hoped for. It really was a perfect mouth - pouty and full - and he’d just promised not to use it on her. Not without her permission. It was sadly ironic to Meghan because at that moment, she’d never seen a guy who so needed to be kissed.

“But I’m not in love with you either,” she added quietly. His lashes fluttered, like James was fighting to hold her gaze. After an unsure moment he did.

Tell him, tell him, Meghan repeated in her mind.

“I…,” she started.

“Don’t tell me,” James interrupted. He’d heard all he needed; all he could handle. There was no anger or fear in his voice, only resignation. “You don’t have to explain. Just come home.”

“James.” It was so quiet Meghan was hardly sure she said it. A bubble rose in her throat, the only thing holding back a flood of tears. Even breathing deeply hurt and the sight of James blurred before her eyes.

“It’s okay.” James wasn’t sure if he lied or not as he moved higher on the bed, pulling Meghan as close as he dared without hurting her. This felt like the end so he couldn’t let her actually say that. He needed to cling to a little hope, even if it came to nothing, so he’d have something to be better for. “I’ll be okay.”

Meghan closed her eyes before the tears could come. With that her words stopped too.

James lay there, not touching her, wondering if he did love her. She was so sure she didn’t love him, but James could not have promised his heart held anything more. It was just desire and confusion, fear and - his buddy Malkin would love this - laziness. A beautiful, wonderful girl already ingrained in his life and family, what could be easier? And why shouldn’t something be easy? Meghan never had been though, or he’d have made a move and ruined all this long ago. Now it might be time to grow up and let go.

“Let me make it up to you,” he said. “I got a cottage for the long weekend. Couple hours north. Let’s go and just have fun, like this summer was supposed to be. I asked Stammer and his girl, and I even asked Tavares,” James smiled a little, rather proud of himself. “Happy now? He’s got a girlfriend apparently, told him to bring her too.”

Meghan froze. Her body tensed just as she realized she shouldn’t, because James would notice. Instead she held her breath and kept her face blank.

Girlfriend. It triggered a swirl of emotions and questions.

“What, uh, what did he say about her?” she asked.

“Just he was with her the other, when Stammer and I were out. Guess he likes her better than us.” James laughed a little at his own joke.

She relaxed an inch. Girlfriend. Would she call John her boyfriend? What else would she call the guy she was sleeping with, staying with and considering in the next big step of her life? How could John be anything less, when he already felt like more?

“Wow, that’s great,” she said.

There was just a hint of sarcasm in James’ reply. “Yeah, good for him.”
____

Comments

Just finished this story and wanted to say that you're an incredible writer. :)
I think you'd write a great MDZ story btw.

I'm so sad that it's over. ): But thank you for spending so much time and effort to write something so wonderful!

OMGEmilyGrace OMGEmilyGrace
4/7/14

Omg poor James :(

hockeywife hockeywife
2/27/14

This story is amazing. My favorite. I love it so much

racheal racheal
2/10/14

I love this story so much!!!

RedWingsGirl2 RedWingsGirl2
1/12/14