I Was a Dreamer before You Went and Let Me Down

-Jesy-

We sit there in silence for what seems like hours and when I finally look at him I see watery eyes, he clears his throat shaking off any tears

“You should really call someone in Buffalo, let them know where you are I’m sure they’re worried about you” he says quietly and I nod getting up to retrieve my phone.

I make a quick call to Jaime and my mom letting them know where I am “I’ll be back in the morning mom, this was just something I had to do” I say as I pace around the living room getting the third degree about just up and leaving, I’m one sigh short of reminding my mother that I’m 26 when a dark haired boy rounds the corner carrying a basket of my dry clothes “I gotta go mom, see you tomorrow bye” I hang up and send a shy smile towards Sid “Thanks”

“You’re leaving tomorrow?” he asks looking quizzically between me and the clothing in the basket

“Well yeah, I don’t think I belong here Sidney”

“Jesy, there’s at least a week’s worth of clothes here” I just shrug “I want you to stay” he says quietly and I sigh

“Why should I? You never did” I say the last part quietly but the look in his eyes tells me he heard it anyway

“Jesy you just don’t understand the whole situation”

“Well make me understand”

-Sidney-

My jaw almost hits the floor when she challenges me, this could be my only chance I nod and set down the basket of clothes. I step closer to her wrapping one arm around her waist and pushing a lose strand of hair out of her face, when she doesn’t stop me I kiss her slowly.

“That really doesn’t explain anything” she says quietly with a smile and I laugh

“I love you, you know that?” I say and she backs away from me

“No, funny you would mention that I didn’t know that, because you never said it. I’m still trying to understand what you think I don’t understand and telling me you love me and kissing me like that sure as hell isn’t clearing anything up Sid”

“Jesy, just, I thought it was for the best” I say and her blue eyes bore into mine waiting for me to continue when I don’t she rolls her eyes

“Do I really need to ask? Are you only going to offer a sentence at a time of information? I can’t keep doing this with you, it’s been 7 years of my life I’ve been hung up on you and I can’t keep doing this. We can’t go back to friends because we never really were friends and I honestly don’t know where I stand with you; a minute ago it felt like we could be dating and this is where we’re perfect, stolen kisses, sweet words when no one’s around. Stupidly I thought you were the one, and even more so I thought maybe you could love me more than the game. But just like then, I’ve somehow overstayed my welcome in your life” she says and I see a hint of a tear

“Listen to me” I say grabbing her wrist gently before she can turn away from me “I was naïve and that naivety cost me a lot. I thought getting into this league that there would be people who were out to exploit me or out to use my talent as their personal gain, I know that isn’t you, but I thought it wasn’t my father or Mario. I was wrong about them. They’re wrong about you. All they’ve been telling me since day one is to concentrate on my career and that I don’t need a girlfriend. For some reason 20 year old me thought they were right, but part of me knew if they got to know you they would know better. Jesy you could chose to never forgive me and honestly I wouldn’t blame you I pushed you away, but never far enough to lose you because I didn’t want to, I’ve always loved you and I always will. I thought as long as I kept you where when I needed you, you’d be there but when Dad and Mario were on my case you were far enough away it would be okay. That never worked because while you were and are always there for me I’ve never been there for you and that’s not how I wanted that. Today I told my father and boss exactly what I think of what they think of you, if I worked any typical 9-5 job I would have been fired today, and at first I thought Jesy would be proud of this and then I realized you would have been proud of it 6 years ago, I’m 6 years too late”

“Yeah you are” she says quietly, defeat and sadness lay thick in her voice.

“Stay the week”

“I can’t, don’t you get it yet?”

“I do actually. Stay the week, let me make up for the past 6 years because I’m not giving up that easily, not when you’re right here. If at the end of the week you want to go home and leave what we could be here, I won’t fight you, you deserve to be the one to leave this time. You deserve to know that if and when you walk out that door that it will beyond a shadow of a doubt break my heart because God knows how many times I’ve walked out on you knowing that” I stop pulling her closely again and kissing her cheek “Please, just stay the week” I whisper in her ear

“Ok” she says in a sigh

-Jesy-

I find myself falling once again, a scene that’s happened so many times in my life that I know how it ends before it even begins anymore. I already know I have to go back home at the end of the week, my entire life is in Buffalo and I know I can’t put myself through this again it’s the same thing every single time no matter how good he makes it sound.

I wish he was right, that when I leave it would break his heart but I know better, I couldn’t break his heart if I tried- not that I would want to- his voice breaks my train of thought

“Whatcha thinking about?” I shrug my shoulders and shake my head “Do you trust me?”

“No” I answer honestly and he frowns “I want to, I really want to. But you’ve never given me any reason to”. He only nods before sitting down on the couch and turning on the TV

“So Blackhawks game” he says nonchalantly.
-Sidney-
I wake up and look at the clock, 6am, Friday I sigh the week has gone by way too quickly. I look to my left to see Jesy still sleeping soundly looking peaceful and happy. I push a chunk of hair out of her face and just watch her quietly, I think about getting up to make breakfast but if she leaves today I don’t want her last memory to be waking up in an empty bed.

I reflect on the past week, after I called Dan and told him what was going on he told me to stay home and for that I was grateful, my whole week was focused on Jesy and I hoped that would leave a lasting memory for her like it would for me. She sighs in her sleep and I smile I reach out and pull her closer to me resting my head on top of hers. After a couple hours of watching her sleep I plant a soft kiss on her lips and she wakes up slowly “Hi” she mumbles

“Good morning baby, breakfast?” she nods and I get out of bed kissing her forehead

-Jesy-

I get out of bed and make sure my bag is packed. It’s Friday; I sigh and check to make sure my plane ticket and boarding pass are secured in my purse. I shower, and get dressed quickly, hour before I need to leave I notice staring at the clock I call for a cab and make my way down the stairs to see Sid in the kitchen making pancakes shirtless. I smile at him and sit down at the counter. He leans over the counter and kisses me before setting a plate in front of me.

“Looks good” I say with a smile and take a bite he sets a cup of coffee in front of me and smiles before grabbing his plate and sitting next to me. We eat in a comfortable silence when done I put the plates in the sink as Sid turns to go upstairs to get dressed

“Your bag’s in the hall” he says turning back around to face me and I nod “So you’re leaving?” I nod again he sighs “What time?”

“Half hour”

“I’ll drive you” he says heading for the stairs again

“I called a cab”

“Oh, uh, alright” he says and makes his way up the stairs, returning fully dressed a few minutes later “So” he says

“So” I say looking up at him

“Where are we Jesy?” he asks quietly

“We are in the foyer Sid”

“You know what I mean”

“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to miraculously have forgotten the last 6 years? Look around you besides me standing here what in this house says you’ve ever had a girlfriend, not a thing. This house was meant for you that bed was never made for 2 and you know it. Sidney you promised if I decided to leave that you wouldn’t fight me on it, that you would let me go. Why does it feel like you’re fighting me?”

“Maybe because I am, because I want to be selfish I don’t want to let you go”

“Don’t break another promise” I say quietly “Just let me go home. There’s nothing left here”

“I’m here! I’m right here telling you I love you, doing whatever I can to prove that and yet you’re leaving anyway”

“I have a business I need to go back to” I bite back and he sighs

“Yeah but this is different isn’t it, you’re not just going home to look after the bar you’re leaving and not looking back”

“Yeah I am, because I should have 6 years ago. I can’t keep doing this. You’re only going to let me down again. Just let me go, please you promised” I hear the horn of the cab outside “I’m sorry”

He only nods, I open the door and signal to the cab driver that I will be a minute and turn sliding my feet into my boots and shrugging on my coat “So that’s it” he says and I nod “I love you” he whispers kissing me in a final desperate plea

“Bye Sid” I say and step out of the door. I’m halfway down the walk when I hear the door slam behind me when I hear my name I half hope to see a shoeless coatless Sid following me out of the house telling me I can’t go not like this or some variation of still wanting a relationship. A movie scene in my head that would make me change my mind. Instead when I turn I see Sidney coming towards me, sneakers and coat on with my sabres hoodie in his hands

“You don’t want to forget your hoodie” he says handing me the folded fabric I smile a thank you and shove it in my bag “Have a safe flight” he says and turns for the house again not looking back.

I get into the backseat of the cab with a small sigh, the cab driver asks where to and I mumble the airport “You ok miss?” he asks as we near the airport

“No” I say honestly and then go silent

“I’m sure it won’t be long before he comes to visit you. A love like that, time flies” he says and I look at him confused as he pulls up closer to the doors of the airport I open my mouth to say something and he cuts me off “Anyone in a 5 mile radius could have seen that look. You miss have captured the Captains heart, enjoy your flight” he says and I just nod getting out of the cab and paying him before making my way into the packed airport.

My flight is quiet and before I know it I’m back in my familiar surroundings of Buffalo. I make it to my car in the bitter cold; I brush off the week’s worth of snow and get into my car driving towards my apartment. I pass all the things I’ve come to know and love about this city from the community college in a building that looks like a medieval castle to the snow covered Baseball Park. Still trying to clear my head I detour from my house and pull up in front of First Niagara Center.

A snow covered French Connection statue greets me, as well as the sounds of the construction of the Harbor Center. Even in the cold I make my way beyond the statue into Alumni Park looking at the name plates of current and past Sabres players. I try to count the ones I remember but lose count before finishing the walls. I take a deep breath of the cold air and make my way back to the car passing familiar buildings on the way to my apartment. I make my way up my stairs and kick off my snowy boots in the hallway before unlocking the door.

The week of stillness hits me like a wall, nothings moved, no one was here to move the invitations for a baby shower, no one threw out the pile of Kleenex used to wipe puffy eyes and a runny nose, my beds unmade and clothes are strewn across my room. I take a deep breath throwing the invitations and the Kleenex into a garbage bag. I put away my clothes and make my bed. I keep myself busy for a good part of the day and when I hear the back door of the bar slam I figure it’s whoever is working the night shift coming in.

I collapse sleepy onto the couch turning on a Hallmark Christmas movie. I watch the female main character pine after her fictional perfect male counterpart “Its bullshit lady, they’re never perfect” I mumble at the TV as she cries over spilled milk. By the end of the movie I’m as in love with guy as she is and I cry my eyes out at the TV “Why are the real ones assholes then?” I ask the actors that clearly can’t hear me, I sigh and turn off the TV deciding to go to bed.

I quickly reach into my duffle bag to get my toothbrush out and unfold my sabres hoodie placed on the top of the clothes. My mouth drops open when I notice the black fabric sticking out from in the middle of the blue, with a quick tug I pull out Sid’s penguins hoodie. I pull the baggy hoodie over my head and smile as his cologne fills my nose “Oh no” I say quietly to my reflection in the mirror.

-Sidney-
I did everything I could, shy of marrying her in the courthouse-which I would have done if she asked- and she still left. I make my way into the arena for practice; half the team is out with injuries include Geno which puts a little more stress on my back. Practice goes well the guys from the farm team seeming to fit in flawlessly with our game play.

After changing back into my regular clothes I make my way through the halls of the arena to leave and I hear a voice calling my name, I turn to see Mario, I only nod my head in his direction as he makes his way towards me.

“Sidney, Dan told me about the baby” he says and I nod slowly “I’m so sorry”

“Thanks Mario”

“I mean it, I’m sorry, is Jesy ok? Are you?”

“I don’t know, I know her and I as an us are not ok. We’re so far from ok that she left a couple days ago, hasn’t called, texted, called Geno, told anyone she’s home ok”

“I’m sorry for that too”

“Not your fault” I start and he cuts me off

“I should not have butted in to your life off the ice, no one butted into mine and I should have extended that same thing to you.” I nod with a smile

“Thanks Mario” he nods and starts to walk away from me.

Notes

Writers block SUCKS!! Especially when it's not because you don't have ideas it's just because no matter how you write it you hate it! This is the 4th try at this chapter and the 3rd different title for it. Song credit goes to Taylor Swift "Breathe". Hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Years!