I Was a Dreamer before You Went and Let Me Down
I Wish I Could Erase Our memory cause You Didn't Give a Damn About Me
-Jesy-
“Earth to Jesy! Hello in there?” my eyes snap to Amy “You ok?”
“I’m fine” I lie and she stares me down “ok I’m not fine but I need to figure this out on my own”
“What could you possibly need to figure out on your own?” Jamie asks and I shrug
“Don’t worry about it its fine” I start to walk away from them when Amy catches me by the arm “Amy let go” I say quietly and she shakes her head “Amy, let go, now” I say more forcefully and she releases her grip on my arm
“Jesy” she says taking a step to follow me
“Don’t ok? Just leave me alone, its none of your business it’s not your problem its mine! I don’t want to involve either of you because the less people that know the better”
“Jes” Jamie tries and I huff
“Is it really that hard for the 2 of you to just drop it? God you’re so nosey!” They look at me the anger on their faces melting immediately when I start crying against my will; the both hug me tightly as I attempt to calm myself down
“Jesy what’s wrong” they chorus and I shake my head “You yell at us and the spontaneously start crying something is wrong” Amy adds and I sigh
“I shouldn’t tell you guys, at least not first, not right now, I should tell him first” I run a shaky hand through my hair “Or at least confirm first”
“Oh my God” Amy says with her mouth wide open
“No, you can’t be!” Jamie adds and I just nod
“I might be” I mumble hanging my head “My dad’s gonna kill me, oh man half the Sabres team is gonna kill me” I take a deep breath and look up at them
“you’ll be fine” Amy says and I sigh suddenly angry with her
“I’ll be fine? I could possibly be pregnant, pregnant!” I say slamming my hands down on the bar “How the hell do I tell my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating for a full what 3 weeks ‘oh hey Jon yeah um I might be pregnant, yeah I know we’re not even kinda “there” yet in our relationship so yeah you’re right it’s not yours. Uh yeah remember that whole I’m not Crosby’s girl, well I forgot to add anymore, and yeah it’s his’ That is not typical new couple conversation!” I’m almost yelling at the 2 of them by the end of my rant “They’re both gonna kill me” I say resting my head in my hands
“Oh shit! It’s Sid’s!” They say at the same time and I just nod “Call him, find out for sure, if its just a scare then don’t tell Jon” they say and shoo me out the door of the bar.
I make my way up the stairs with hundreds of things running through my mind so many things could go wrong with this phone call, and at the moment I can think of nothing that can go right.
Reaching the top of my stairs I fumble for my keys and unlock the door, once inside I fall dramatically onto the couch pulling out my phone and scrolling slowly through my contacts until I get to his name. I stare at it for a while and play out the conversation in my head, no matter what it ends in an argument.
I nervously crack my knuckles as the screen goes black, unlocking it again I take a deep breath and touch my finger to his name I stare at the number a few seconds more before pressing the call button.
After the first ring I sigh, as the second sounds in my ear I bite my lip, 3rd passes and I’m crossing my fingers for voicemail, halfway through the 4th ring it cuts off and I gasp
“Hello” he says quietly, muffled
“Were you asleep?” I ask looking at the clock “Its 2 in the afternoon Sidney”
“Yes it is Jessica and I just got home from practice, hold it Jesy why are you calling me?” he says and I flinch even though he can’t see me “Jesy what is it what’s wrong?”
“We’ve got a problem” I say slowly into the receiver
-Sidney-
I drop my phone to the floor and run for my closet grabbing a duffle bag and throwing clothes into it. I make a mental check list as I go making sure I grab everything I need. Before walking out the door I text my coach making up a lame excuse about needing a day off after a hard practice.
A few minutes later I’m on the road Highway 80 is familiar territory the long straight hull is enough to make you think about life on a normal day but today my head is spinning. Pregnant. The word tumbles around in my head and I feel my hands start to sweat against the steering wheel.
I start to think about the future, if it’s a boy will he love hockey like his mother and I do, will he play hockey and continue on a Crosby tradition, will he have my last name or will Jesy completely shut me out? If it’s a girl does she look like Jesy to a tee, or does she get stuck with my unruly hair no doubt she’d have Jesy’s eyes. I smile and shake my head we don’t even know for sure if she’s pregnant yet I remind myself, hell I don’t even know for sure it’s mine. Of course the baby is mine I sigh shaking that thought from my head, she wouldn’t have called me if it wasn’t right? She was flirting with Toews I remind myself and then shake that thought from my head too, not my Jesy she wouldn’t do that to me…. Right?
When I get to Buffalo I check into the Adam’s Mark hotel, not too far from Jesy’s place but far enough that I won’t be tempted to just pop in to see what’s going on. I order room service and sit on the bed to watch TV. By 10 pm I’m exhausted from fighting with myself all day I set an alarm for 7am, plug in my phone and fall asleep.
I toss and turn most of the night, every dream I have involves Jesy and the baby and none of them end well, in one we have a son and he looks just like Toews, in another a little girl spitting image of me, only she hates me and it breaks my heart, yet another of my son 18 years old his mothers blue eyes staring at me as he tells me he hates hockey because of what it did to our family. By the time the alarm goes off at 7am I’m more tired than when I went to bed and a twinge of guilt is sitting on my shoulders.
When I pull up outside of her apartment she’s walking out the door and her mouth drops seeing me waiting “What are you doing here?” she asks and I shrug “Ya know what I’m not arguing with you right now, I’m driving, let’s go” she unlocks her car and climbs in. I kill the engine on my truck and follow suit getting in the passenger side of her car “You didn’t have to come” she says quietly as she starts the vehicle taking off in the direction of what I assume is her doctors
“I know” I say just as quiet as she had “I wanted to”
She only nods, turning the radio up slightly to fill the background noise of our awkward silence, after a few minutes passes I clear my throat a question weighing heavy on my mind “Jesy, I just was won-” I start and she cuts me off clearly already expecting my question
“Yes Sidney, if I am for sure pregnant the baby is yours. Not like it’s any of your business if I am or am not sleeping with my current boyfriend” she says anger evident in her statement she mumbles something that I swear is ‘asshole’ but I ignore it and listen to the radio
-Later Sidney-
"So now what?" I ask quietly as we enter her apartment
"I don't know" she says quietly and looks at me with sad blue eyes
"I mean we could, right? We can raise a baby" I say scratching my head in confusion
"We?" She asks with a snort and I nod "You checked out of this relationship long before it ever fell apart Sid"
"What are you talking about?" She raises her eye brows and laughs dryly "When did I check out of our relationship? The way I remember it you ended the relationship" I say because its true and she grabs a picture off her desk it surprises me when I notice myself with the Stanley Cup in my hands.
"Right here, this is where you checked out of our relationship where it all changed. And do you know what the worst part is?" She asks and I shake my head and she sighs "The worst part is after all these years still knowing you don't give a damn about me" she lets out a shaky breath before looking at me with watery eyes "I think you need to go Sid"
"What Jesy, we just found out you're pregnant you don't want me to leave" I say reaching out for her but she backs away and my heart sinks
“I need you to leave Sid, I thought maybe this would be better with you here but it’s not I can’t take this. I love it when you’re here” she says and sighs sadly “But I’m better when you’re gone”
“Jesy” I start and she puts her hands up stopping me
"Sidney, you're not listening to me. I don't want you to leave" she takes a step towards her apartment door opening it slowly "I need you to"
In that instant I realize for the first time in the over 4 years I've known her that never once did I really think about her. Sure I'd thought about her but not in the way she needed or wanted me to I never thought of her feelings. "I'm sorry Jesy" I say quietly moving towards her door
"I wish I could believe you Sid I really do" her blue eyes flood with tears and I turn to do what I do best, leave her when she needs me the most.
I make my way out to my car and then start the 5 hour trip back to Pittsburgh, I had left in a hurry when she called me in a panic about being late when it went completely over my head at first I swear I could hear her anger over the phone.
Now suspicion was confirmed she was pregnant with my baby a statement still so surreal I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. My first thought is how pissed Mario and my dad are going to be, once again I'm not thinking of the effect it will have on Jesy all I can concentrate on is how this will affect the team owner my father and my career. I can hear my dad now saying he told me when we dated to break up with her, that she would ruin my career and how did I even know it was mine. I could hear Mario red in the face screaming at me for being stupid enough to have what he would call a "fuck buddy" and not wear a condom.
I shake my head driving in the rain of September, Jesy was not any of those things she was however a bartender and owner in Buffalo, she was beautiful and perfect and never cared that I was "Sid the Kid" Crosby the face of the NHL. She never compared me to Gretzky, she wasn't pissed if I didn't score a goal every game. She cared still now -2 years after the fact- every time I got a headache that it had to do with my concussion, she was the first to call after I broke my jaw to make sure I was ok, and what did I do for her?
Not a damn thing, and why?
Because I am an asshole.
She's pregnant, it's my baby, she's in Buffalo, I'm everywhere but where she needs me and she hates me for things I've done since 2009 since we won the cup since my boss and my dad decided my career was more important and I decided to listen.
-Jesy-
As I hear his truck start and make its way out of the parking lot I start to cry sliding down the wall sitting on the floor by my front door. This was not supposed to happen, not right now, not like this. I take a shaky breath of course when we were dating I thought about this moment a lot but we were married and ready for kids, never in my dreams was it from essentially a drunken one night stand, and never in a million years did I think it would be like this boyfriend and baby’s father being 2 different guys.
I stare at the sonogram of the small blob looking thing that would grow into my baby, 5 weeks pregnant and I drop this 4 days before the preseason start I sigh. Wiping the tears from my face I laugh as my first concern is immediately how this will affect the hockey season. I stare at my phone for a moment before sending a picture message to both Amy and Jamie and then slowly make my way to my room
“Now what little one?” I say staring once again at the sonogram
I fall asleep a few moments later the picture in my hand
*I wake up to a cry and I look around the room to see a small basinet in the corner the cry coming from there, from next to me I feel someone shift I look to my left and see Sidney
“Go back to sleep Jesy, it’s my turn” he mumbles I feel him get out of the bed as I close my eyes trying to go back to sleep I hear him talking to the baby
“We gotta figure out days from nights kiddo” he cooes “I love you to death but mommy and daddy need sleep as much as you do” I roll over and open my eyes watching him pace the floor holding the baby tightly I glance down at the wedding ring on my hand and smile “Oh look at mommy pretending she’s asleep to spy on us” he says flashing that crooked smile I fell in love with
“I am not spying or pretending I’m asleep, I just like watching you” I say smiling back at him
“She’ll never tell you this but she only likes me for my ass” he says to the baby and I let out a laugh
“I do not, it’s just an added bonus. Don’t listen to daddy he’s full of shit… Babe what if the baby’s first words are a swear word” His eyes widen at the thought
“Right, mommy’s the smart one no more swearing” He says and smiles realizing the baby is once again asleep he puts the baby carefully back in the basinet and crawls back in bed next to me “Mmm I love you” he says kissing me and I smile at him
“I love you too”*
I snap awake at the sound of my phone ringing “Hello” I say quietly and am met with a bunch of questions from Jamie and Amy
“Were you asleep?” Amy finally asks after they realize I’m not answering their questions
“Yeah, and having a really great dream” I say mumbling the last part “I’ll talk to you guys later” I hang up quickly and stare at the ceiling until my phone rings I look at it to see Jon’s name on the screen taking a second I slide my finger across the screen “Hello” I say quietly
“Hey, haven’t heard from you in a couple days, you been busy?” he asks innocently and I find myself blinking back tears “Jesy, you there?”
“Yeah I’m here Jon, um yeah just kinda tired”
“You sure you’re ok?” he asks and I can almost see the concern etched on his face through the phone, I unwillingly start crying “Jesy, sweetheart what’s wrong? What happened? Talk to me, say something”
“C-can you just come here, please Jon just for like a day, 20 minutes I don’t care I just need to see you” I say my words coming out between sobs
“I’m on the next flight out of Chicago, I swear, I’ll be there soon sweetheart” he says and I can almost feel my heart breaking.
“Earth to Jesy! Hello in there?” my eyes snap to Amy “You ok?”
“I’m fine” I lie and she stares me down “ok I’m not fine but I need to figure this out on my own”
“What could you possibly need to figure out on your own?” Jamie asks and I shrug
“Don’t worry about it its fine” I start to walk away from them when Amy catches me by the arm “Amy let go” I say quietly and she shakes her head “Amy, let go, now” I say more forcefully and she releases her grip on my arm
“Jesy” she says taking a step to follow me
“Don’t ok? Just leave me alone, its none of your business it’s not your problem its mine! I don’t want to involve either of you because the less people that know the better”
“Jes” Jamie tries and I huff
“Is it really that hard for the 2 of you to just drop it? God you’re so nosey!” They look at me the anger on their faces melting immediately when I start crying against my will; the both hug me tightly as I attempt to calm myself down
“Jesy what’s wrong” they chorus and I shake my head “You yell at us and the spontaneously start crying something is wrong” Amy adds and I sigh
“I shouldn’t tell you guys, at least not first, not right now, I should tell him first” I run a shaky hand through my hair “Or at least confirm first”
“Oh my God” Amy says with her mouth wide open
“No, you can’t be!” Jamie adds and I just nod
“I might be” I mumble hanging my head “My dad’s gonna kill me, oh man half the Sabres team is gonna kill me” I take a deep breath and look up at them
“you’ll be fine” Amy says and I sigh suddenly angry with her
“I’ll be fine? I could possibly be pregnant, pregnant!” I say slamming my hands down on the bar “How the hell do I tell my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating for a full what 3 weeks ‘oh hey Jon yeah um I might be pregnant, yeah I know we’re not even kinda “there” yet in our relationship so yeah you’re right it’s not yours. Uh yeah remember that whole I’m not Crosby’s girl, well I forgot to add anymore, and yeah it’s his’ That is not typical new couple conversation!” I’m almost yelling at the 2 of them by the end of my rant “They’re both gonna kill me” I say resting my head in my hands
“Oh shit! It’s Sid’s!” They say at the same time and I just nod “Call him, find out for sure, if its just a scare then don’t tell Jon” they say and shoo me out the door of the bar.
I make my way up the stairs with hundreds of things running through my mind so many things could go wrong with this phone call, and at the moment I can think of nothing that can go right.
Reaching the top of my stairs I fumble for my keys and unlock the door, once inside I fall dramatically onto the couch pulling out my phone and scrolling slowly through my contacts until I get to his name. I stare at it for a while and play out the conversation in my head, no matter what it ends in an argument.
I nervously crack my knuckles as the screen goes black, unlocking it again I take a deep breath and touch my finger to his name I stare at the number a few seconds more before pressing the call button.
After the first ring I sigh, as the second sounds in my ear I bite my lip, 3rd passes and I’m crossing my fingers for voicemail, halfway through the 4th ring it cuts off and I gasp
“Hello” he says quietly, muffled
“Were you asleep?” I ask looking at the clock “Its 2 in the afternoon Sidney”
“Yes it is Jessica and I just got home from practice, hold it Jesy why are you calling me?” he says and I flinch even though he can’t see me “Jesy what is it what’s wrong?”
“We’ve got a problem” I say slowly into the receiver
-Sidney-
I drop my phone to the floor and run for my closet grabbing a duffle bag and throwing clothes into it. I make a mental check list as I go making sure I grab everything I need. Before walking out the door I text my coach making up a lame excuse about needing a day off after a hard practice.
A few minutes later I’m on the road Highway 80 is familiar territory the long straight hull is enough to make you think about life on a normal day but today my head is spinning. Pregnant. The word tumbles around in my head and I feel my hands start to sweat against the steering wheel.
I start to think about the future, if it’s a boy will he love hockey like his mother and I do, will he play hockey and continue on a Crosby tradition, will he have my last name or will Jesy completely shut me out? If it’s a girl does she look like Jesy to a tee, or does she get stuck with my unruly hair no doubt she’d have Jesy’s eyes. I smile and shake my head we don’t even know for sure if she’s pregnant yet I remind myself, hell I don’t even know for sure it’s mine. Of course the baby is mine I sigh shaking that thought from my head, she wouldn’t have called me if it wasn’t right? She was flirting with Toews I remind myself and then shake that thought from my head too, not my Jesy she wouldn’t do that to me…. Right?
When I get to Buffalo I check into the Adam’s Mark hotel, not too far from Jesy’s place but far enough that I won’t be tempted to just pop in to see what’s going on. I order room service and sit on the bed to watch TV. By 10 pm I’m exhausted from fighting with myself all day I set an alarm for 7am, plug in my phone and fall asleep.
I toss and turn most of the night, every dream I have involves Jesy and the baby and none of them end well, in one we have a son and he looks just like Toews, in another a little girl spitting image of me, only she hates me and it breaks my heart, yet another of my son 18 years old his mothers blue eyes staring at me as he tells me he hates hockey because of what it did to our family. By the time the alarm goes off at 7am I’m more tired than when I went to bed and a twinge of guilt is sitting on my shoulders.
When I pull up outside of her apartment she’s walking out the door and her mouth drops seeing me waiting “What are you doing here?” she asks and I shrug “Ya know what I’m not arguing with you right now, I’m driving, let’s go” she unlocks her car and climbs in. I kill the engine on my truck and follow suit getting in the passenger side of her car “You didn’t have to come” she says quietly as she starts the vehicle taking off in the direction of what I assume is her doctors
“I know” I say just as quiet as she had “I wanted to”
She only nods, turning the radio up slightly to fill the background noise of our awkward silence, after a few minutes passes I clear my throat a question weighing heavy on my mind “Jesy, I just was won-” I start and she cuts me off clearly already expecting my question
“Yes Sidney, if I am for sure pregnant the baby is yours. Not like it’s any of your business if I am or am not sleeping with my current boyfriend” she says anger evident in her statement she mumbles something that I swear is ‘asshole’ but I ignore it and listen to the radio
-Later Sidney-
"So now what?" I ask quietly as we enter her apartment
"I don't know" she says quietly and looks at me with sad blue eyes
"I mean we could, right? We can raise a baby" I say scratching my head in confusion
"We?" She asks with a snort and I nod "You checked out of this relationship long before it ever fell apart Sid"
"What are you talking about?" She raises her eye brows and laughs dryly "When did I check out of our relationship? The way I remember it you ended the relationship" I say because its true and she grabs a picture off her desk it surprises me when I notice myself with the Stanley Cup in my hands.
"Right here, this is where you checked out of our relationship where it all changed. And do you know what the worst part is?" She asks and I shake my head and she sighs "The worst part is after all these years still knowing you don't give a damn about me" she lets out a shaky breath before looking at me with watery eyes "I think you need to go Sid"
"What Jesy, we just found out you're pregnant you don't want me to leave" I say reaching out for her but she backs away and my heart sinks
“I need you to leave Sid, I thought maybe this would be better with you here but it’s not I can’t take this. I love it when you’re here” she says and sighs sadly “But I’m better when you’re gone”
“Jesy” I start and she puts her hands up stopping me
"Sidney, you're not listening to me. I don't want you to leave" she takes a step towards her apartment door opening it slowly "I need you to"
In that instant I realize for the first time in the over 4 years I've known her that never once did I really think about her. Sure I'd thought about her but not in the way she needed or wanted me to I never thought of her feelings. "I'm sorry Jesy" I say quietly moving towards her door
"I wish I could believe you Sid I really do" her blue eyes flood with tears and I turn to do what I do best, leave her when she needs me the most.
I make my way out to my car and then start the 5 hour trip back to Pittsburgh, I had left in a hurry when she called me in a panic about being late when it went completely over my head at first I swear I could hear her anger over the phone.
Now suspicion was confirmed she was pregnant with my baby a statement still so surreal I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. My first thought is how pissed Mario and my dad are going to be, once again I'm not thinking of the effect it will have on Jesy all I can concentrate on is how this will affect the team owner my father and my career. I can hear my dad now saying he told me when we dated to break up with her, that she would ruin my career and how did I even know it was mine. I could hear Mario red in the face screaming at me for being stupid enough to have what he would call a "fuck buddy" and not wear a condom.
I shake my head driving in the rain of September, Jesy was not any of those things she was however a bartender and owner in Buffalo, she was beautiful and perfect and never cared that I was "Sid the Kid" Crosby the face of the NHL. She never compared me to Gretzky, she wasn't pissed if I didn't score a goal every game. She cared still now -2 years after the fact- every time I got a headache that it had to do with my concussion, she was the first to call after I broke my jaw to make sure I was ok, and what did I do for her?
Not a damn thing, and why?
Because I am an asshole.
She's pregnant, it's my baby, she's in Buffalo, I'm everywhere but where she needs me and she hates me for things I've done since 2009 since we won the cup since my boss and my dad decided my career was more important and I decided to listen.
-Jesy-
As I hear his truck start and make its way out of the parking lot I start to cry sliding down the wall sitting on the floor by my front door. This was not supposed to happen, not right now, not like this. I take a shaky breath of course when we were dating I thought about this moment a lot but we were married and ready for kids, never in my dreams was it from essentially a drunken one night stand, and never in a million years did I think it would be like this boyfriend and baby’s father being 2 different guys.
I stare at the sonogram of the small blob looking thing that would grow into my baby, 5 weeks pregnant and I drop this 4 days before the preseason start I sigh. Wiping the tears from my face I laugh as my first concern is immediately how this will affect the hockey season. I stare at my phone for a moment before sending a picture message to both Amy and Jamie and then slowly make my way to my room
“Now what little one?” I say staring once again at the sonogram
I fall asleep a few moments later the picture in my hand
*I wake up to a cry and I look around the room to see a small basinet in the corner the cry coming from there, from next to me I feel someone shift I look to my left and see Sidney
“Go back to sleep Jesy, it’s my turn” he mumbles I feel him get out of the bed as I close my eyes trying to go back to sleep I hear him talking to the baby
“We gotta figure out days from nights kiddo” he cooes “I love you to death but mommy and daddy need sleep as much as you do” I roll over and open my eyes watching him pace the floor holding the baby tightly I glance down at the wedding ring on my hand and smile “Oh look at mommy pretending she’s asleep to spy on us” he says flashing that crooked smile I fell in love with
“I am not spying or pretending I’m asleep, I just like watching you” I say smiling back at him
“She’ll never tell you this but she only likes me for my ass” he says to the baby and I let out a laugh
“I do not, it’s just an added bonus. Don’t listen to daddy he’s full of shit… Babe what if the baby’s first words are a swear word” His eyes widen at the thought
“Right, mommy’s the smart one no more swearing” He says and smiles realizing the baby is once again asleep he puts the baby carefully back in the basinet and crawls back in bed next to me “Mmm I love you” he says kissing me and I smile at him
“I love you too”*
I snap awake at the sound of my phone ringing “Hello” I say quietly and am met with a bunch of questions from Jamie and Amy
“Were you asleep?” Amy finally asks after they realize I’m not answering their questions
“Yeah, and having a really great dream” I say mumbling the last part “I’ll talk to you guys later” I hang up quickly and stare at the ceiling until my phone rings I look at it to see Jon’s name on the screen taking a second I slide my finger across the screen “Hello” I say quietly
“Hey, haven’t heard from you in a couple days, you been busy?” he asks innocently and I find myself blinking back tears “Jesy, you there?”
“Yeah I’m here Jon, um yeah just kinda tired”
“You sure you’re ok?” he asks and I can almost see the concern etched on his face through the phone, I unwillingly start crying “Jesy, sweetheart what’s wrong? What happened? Talk to me, say something”
“C-can you just come here, please Jon just for like a day, 20 minutes I don’t care I just need to see you” I say my words coming out between sobs
“I’m on the next flight out of Chicago, I swear, I’ll be there soon sweetheart” he says and I can almost feel my heart breaking.
@Psquared524
At the moment no there will not be a sequel, I don't ever rule out the possibility of anything I write some day having one strictly because some day an idea may arise that would just work. But no at this moment, this is it, for a while I'm going to concentrate on one shots or short stories seeing as I generally tend to lose focus or direction on longer stories which is evident with this story.
5/10/14