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I Was a Dreamer before You Went and Let Me Down

You’re the Only One Who Ever Gave a Damn, and it’s Killing Me to know You Think I’m Better than I Am

-Sidney-

The drive back seems even longer in the rain, every song on the radio only reminds me of my faults and of the girl I just left in Buffalo. By the time I pull up in front of my house I’m emotionally exhausted. It takes everything in me to drag myself from the truck and up the 6 stairs to my front porch.

I walk through the door and flop down on the couch, falling asleep almost instantly

*When I wake up I’m in Buffalo a child’s duffle bag in my hand, face to face with Jesy

“Come on sweetie, your dad is ready to go” she yells into the house

“I don’t wanna go” a small girls voice comes back

“Emily” Jesy starts and I just shake my head

“Don’t force her Jes” I say and her blue eyes look sadly at mine “At least come say bye to me Em?” I say and I hear tiny feet make their way down the hall, turning the corner I see dark brown almost black curls tied up into a lose ponytail, besides her mother’s eyes and nose there is no denying Emily is 100% my daughter, right down to her stubbornness

Her 5 year old eyes look up into mine and from next to her mother 5 feet away from me she sighs “Bye dad” she turns to walk back into the living room and Jesy sighs heavily

“Emily” she says sternly and my little girl turns back around, her sigh matches the one her mother just let out as she steps closer to me, I bend down to hug her tiny frame

“Bye sweetie, I love you” I say planting a kiss on the top of her head she just nods and walks away. I stand again and make eye contact with Jesy who looks at me sadly “Don’t worry, it’s not your fault, it’s my own”

“She’ll come around Sid, she’s only 5” she assures and I just smile

“Bye Jesy” I say and turn from the door

I make my way back to my truck, but it turns into her front door again I can see myself, older, standing on the porch, gray streaking through my hair, I knock and a teenage boy answers

“Hey Matt, ready to go?” I ask

“Dad, I have a hockey tournament this weekend” he says back raking a hand through his lighter brown hair making the red hints stand out in the light, spitting image of his mother except those concentrated brown eyes and that Crosby nose

“Shit” I mumble under my breath “Ya know what I’ll go with you” I propose and a horrified look crosses his face

“Dad I’m 16! Do you know how lame I would look showing up with my dad?” he says with raised eyebrows

“Come on they’ll love it, half those kids watch me play” he rolls his eyes at me

“Yeah but now you’re just the old guy on the ice. It will look like you don’t trust me, mom is letting me go by myself, Jon didn’t try to come with me” he reasons and I sigh

“Ok fine, maybe next weekend”

“You’re playing west coast games next weekend dad, what am I gonna do? Sit in a hotel while you play hockey?”

“No, we’ll sight see”

“Yeah right, in the middle of the Crosby superstition schedule? There’s no time to sight see if you have to take a nap and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich”*

I snap awake its after midnight, my neck hurts from sleeping in a weird position on the couch, every muscle in my body is tense like I just came off the ice from a double shift of constant movement, my head is pounding, and worst of all my heart is broken. I run a hand through my hair, shower, I need a shower that will clear my head.

I stretch and force myself up my stairs to my room and into the bathroom turning the hot water on and stepping in. I let the heat relax my muscles and the steam clear my head. I let the water run until the warmth begins to leave, stepping out of the shower I towel dry my hair, wrap the towel around my waist and exit the steam filled bathroom. Hitting the cooler air of my bedroom I see the steam escaping my skin, I search for pajamas before looking at the clock 1:30 am glows green and condescending “I have to talk to her” I say grabbing my phone and staring at her name and number before hitting send.

-Jesy-

The knock on my door pulls me out of my crying trance, it’s a little after 6pm, I pull myself off the couch and make my way to the front door I swing it open coming face to face with a very concerned Jon, without a word I just step into his arms. What feels like a lifetime passes of silence before he gently pushes me backwards into my apartment closing the door behind us and walks us both to the couch. Sitting down next to me he wipes the tear off my cheek.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” he asks quietly his fingers tangled with mine he brushes a hair out of my face and I sniffle

“You’re gonna hate me” I mumble looking at my lap, I feel his hand push my hair back before he lifts my chin with one finger forcing my eyes to meet his

“You would have to do a lot of things to make me hate you, and even then I wouldn’t” he says and smiles “Just tell me what it is, I can’t make it better if I don’t know what’s wrong”

“Jon you can’t make this better at all” I say quietly he stares at me waiting for me to continue “Remember when you asked if I was Crosby’s girl?” his face pales and he only nods “Well for a while I was, and then for a while we were ex’s with benefits” I stop again blinking back tears, he gives my hand a light squeeze and looking in his eyes I don’t see anger, I don’t see disappointment, all I see is understanding I take a deep breath “Before NHL night I hadn’t talked to him in at least a month, maybe 2 and I didn’t know he was coming, and I was drunk, I was so drunk Jon, so drunk”

“I get it” he laughs “You were drunk”

“Well, I flirted with you, I guess someone else equally as drunk got a little jealous, one thing lead to another, and well you know” I say and look at him with sad eyes, his smile falters and he only nods “Well, that has lead to, uh well, I’m, you see Jon, you really think I’m so much better than I am and that’s just killing me because” I stammer

“You’re pregnant aren’t you?” he asks and I just nod solemnly looking at the floor “Boy or girl that kid is gonna be a hell of a hockey player” my eyes shoot to meet his

“You aren’t mad? But I…. and Sid…. And you…. Why aren’t you mad?”

“Jesy what is the point of getting mad at you? We weren’t dating, you were drunk sweetheart it was an accident. All those tears were for this?”

I only nod and he just smiles at me pulling me into his side and kissing my temple, I feel myself relax.

We fall asleep on the couch until Jon’s alarm goes off at midnight “Jesy, I gotta go, my flight leaves at 2. I’m sorry I can’t stay longer”

“No, it’s ok Jon I understand, get your ass back to Chicago and defend that title” I say with a groggy laugh “Except when you play Buffalo” I add and he just smiles

“Go back to sleep Jesy, I’ll text you when I land” he says kissing me gently and making his way out the door.

I climb into my bed and start to doze off, when my phone rings I jump awake and stare at the clock glowing 1:30am, I slide my finger across the screen without looking at who’s calling

“Hello?” I say quietly into the device

“I want a part in my child’s life Jessica, a significant part; I don’t want him or her to hate me. I will be a better dad than I was a boyfriend. I want to be there when the baby is born, I want to know what’s going on throughout the pregnancy, and if I can be, I want to be there for doctors appointments. I want to help name him or her; I want the baby to have my last name and I…. I can’t think of anything else”

“Ok” I say quietly

“You can’t keep me out of my child’s li- did you say ok?”

“Yeah I did, I’m glad you want to be a part of your child’s life Sidney, but also know I will not sit around and watch you disappoint him or her the way you disappointed me. You can be there when the baby is born that’s fine, and if you can be here then you can be there for the doctor’s appointment where we find out the sex, I will decide any others you can go to but not all of them. Is that all you wanted? Because I’d like to go back to sleep”

“Jesy I’m sorry” he says quietly

“Sorry for what? Getting me pregnant? It takes two Sidney”

“No, I’m sorry I disappointed you, I never meant for that to happen”

“Sid don’t do this”

“No Jesy, don’t end this discussion, don’t shut me out, not now you’re the only one who’s ever really gave a damn about me and I pushed you away and I’m sorry baby I’m so sorry”

“I’ve been giving out chances left and right to you and all you ever do is let me down. It’s taken me 5 years to figure it out, and you just think everything is gonna be fine again but not this time Sid, you’re not sorry” I say and hang up the phone.

Notes

Song credit Cassadee Pope "Easier to Lie" it really doesn't pertain to this chapter, I was going to make it pertain to this chapter but I just couldn't do that to Jonathan Toews so really only the line that is the title pertains to the chapter :) enjoy

Comments

@Psquared524

At the moment no there will not be a sequel, I don't ever rule out the possibility of anything I write some day having one strictly because some day an idea may arise that would just work. But no at this moment, this is it, for a while I'm going to concentrate on one shots or short stories seeing as I generally tend to lose focus or direction on longer stories which is evident with this story.

Stephenie Stephenie
5/10/14

this this really the end? Is there going to be a sequel?

Psquared91 Psquared91
5/9/14

love!

bailey08 bailey08
4/28/14

I like it, Its really good

Psquared91 Psquared91
4/26/14

update soon please.

Psquared91 Psquared91
4/2/14