Therapy
Aloneness
“Well, this is interesting.”
I groaned, lifting up my head and forcing my eyes open, a hand immediately flying to the back of my neck, which was so stiff from how awkwardly I had fallen asleep. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” I mumbled.
Sidney laughed, two cups of coffee in his hands as he stood a few feet away from me. “It’s just odd to see you two not fighting, that’s all,” he explained, handing me a cup of coffee. “Two creams and two sugars, right?”
I nodded, thanking him quietly as I accepted the cup, still trying to stretch out my neck. “Are his parents back?” I asked, yawning afterwards.
Sidney shook his head, looking down at Kris, who was still fast asleep, with a sympathetic glaze in his eyes. “No, they’re probably still asleep. It’s only six in the morning, there aren’t even supposed to be visitors now.”
“How did you get in, then?” I asked, taking a cautious sip of the coffee.
He shrugged, leaning against the wall behind him. “Katy, do you know who I am?” I laughed, nearly spilling the coffee all over myself as I did so.
Kris stirred for a second, briefly looking as though he was about to wake up, but soon let out a small groan and fell back into peaceful sleep.
My eyes studied his peaceful face for a few seconds before moving back over to where Sidney was leaning against the wall, only noticing then how tired Sidney looked. “Did you sleep?” I asked him, both of my hands wrapping around the Styrofoam cup of coffee to absorb its warmth.
He took a long drink from his own cup before letting out a sigh. “Not much,” he admitted. “It’s hard to sleep when of your best friends is in the hospital. Even harder when you were three feet away from the reason he’s in the hospital.”
I nodded, a small wave of pity soaking into my brain as I looked Sidney over. He was a quiet man, which was no secret, and his ability to open up to people and create new friendships had become almost non-existent thanks to the constant attention he was thrown. He and Kris had been drafted the same year, both for the Penguins. Sidney was immediately placed onto the Penguins roster, whispers of a Stanley Cup, the Calder and every other award he could win being exchanged all around him. Kris had been sent to the farm team, his talent not developed enough to play with the likes of Sergei Gonchar or Brooks Orpik quite yet. But, sometime between Sidney making the team and Kris not, the two had formed a friendship.
I remembered the night that Evan had told me about Sidney Crosby. I was filling out college applications, he was reading hockey stats. Evan wasn’t eligible for the draft in 2005, he had to wait until 2006, but he had been memorizing every team in the NHL’s stats since he was 13. I had heard Sidney’s name before, but knew nothing of him. When he went first overall, Evan told me that it wasn’t a surprise.
“People have been guessing about where he’ll end up since he was 15, Katy, not even kidding,” he told me, watching the TV as Sidney climbed up onto the stage to accept his jersey. “I heard that the Pens were interested in Kris, too. Could you imagine that?” He asked me, turning to grin at me. “If Kris and Sidney Crosby were just team-mates? God, that’d be awesome.”
“Why did they pick Crosby instead, then?” I had asked, blushing when Evan stared at me with his mouth hanging open. “I mean, Kris is really good, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, but Crosby,” Evan paused, shaking his head as he searched for the right words. “Crosby is on a whole ‘nother level from Kris, and most players. The guy’s getting called the next Gretzky, and he hasn’t even set foot in the NHL yet. He can carry the puck better then anyone else in this draft, I guarantee it.”
“So, we really want Kris to get picked by the Penguins then?” I asked.
Evan nodded, his eyes still on the TV. “We really do.”
“Katy?” Sidney asked, drawing me out of my daydream. “You okay?”
I nodded, smiling apologetically. “I was just thinking, that’s all.”
Sidney gave me a knowing look, licking his lips before he quietly asked, “Evan?”
The sound of his name still sent a searing pain into the depths of my ribcage, encasing my heart in it’s grip. I felt winded for a brief second, but nodded. “It’s weird, but now that I’m out of therapy, it seems like I keep having flashbacks. The smallest thing brings back to a memory.”
“They say it takes the first year before you come out of shock,” Sidney told me, finally grabbing a chair from the side of the room and quietly pulling it over to where I was, taking a seat. “It’s understandable.”
I looked back down at Kris, my eyes moving to the monitors he was hooked up to before drifting back to his face. “Travis told me that Kris is in love with me.”
Sidney didn’t react, causing me to turn and look at him. He was silent, seeming to debate the proper response. When he realized I was eyeing him he gave a casual shrug. “I think it should be Kris who tells you that, not someone else.”
“Did everyone know except me?” I asked, leaning back in my seat.
Sidney let out a small chuckle. “He didn’t say it, but we all knew, yeah,” he admitted, taking a small sip of his coffee. “He talked about you more than he talked about hockey when I first met him, you know?” He shared, smiling at the look of genuine shock hat cascaded down my face. “He talked about Evan a lot, too, but you,” he paused, having to yawn before continuing, “you were what he seemed to miss the most.” Sidney chewed on his lip for a moment before looking at me. “How did you and Kris meet?”
I sighed, “We had Social Studies together in grade nine. I had just moved there, so the teacher just sent me over to his table because there was an empty spot, and we ended up being partnered together for some project where we had to study one of the great tragedies that had happened in the last ten years and share it with the class,” I answered, thinking back to that time. I felt a smile tug at the corner of my lips. “We picked the Challenger, you know that space craft that exploded?” I asked, seeing Sidney nod from the corner of my eye. “We totally failed it. Kris was too shy to talk in front of the class, and I was too shy to talk to Kris because I barely spoke any French. We each studied the assignment on our own and brought our notes the day of, only to find out that we had both forgotten to look up who was on the space craft, and my entire assignment was in English.”
Sidney laughed. “And a friendship was born,” he muttered.
I smiled. “Yeah. He bought me French fries from the cafeteria to apologize for it, making a joke because he was French. I reminded him that the entire school was French, and then he told me that his best friend wasn’t from Quebec either.”
“And that’s how you met Evan,” Sidney finished, nodding. “Why the hell did your parents move you to Quebec if none of you spoke French?”
I laughed, “My dad was offered a teaching job at a University. He spoke French fluently, obviously, and my mom did whatever my dad told her to. My older sister was already engaged, so she could care less what happened since she’d be moving off to be with her husband and nobody asked me how I felt,” I concluded, a knot of bitterness forming inside of me. “Nobody ever asked how I felt.”
Sidney was silent, not wanting to touch on the subject of my parents, aware of how touchy the subject was. He cleared his throat before changing the subject. “Have you ever thought about being with someone else?”
I was completely shocked by the question, my head snapping to face him. “Sid, my boyfriend died.” I reminded him.
Sidney nodded, “I know, but, and I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but it’s been over a year now,” he reminded me, now facing me. “Do you just plan to be alone forever?”
“I planned to be with Evan forever,” I answered.
Sidney sighed, letting the air out through his nostrils. “Evan isn’t here, Katy,” he reminded me softly. “You’ve been pushing everyone away to hang no to the one person who isn’t here anymore.”
I was silent, my eyes moving away from Sidney and back to Kris, who was still asleep.
“You can’t have a life with a memory, Katy. I know you loved Evan, and I know he loved you, but you’re not actually going to give up a chance at having all those things you wanted just because it’s not with Evan, are you?” He asked.
“Why are you asking me this?” I asked him, surprised by how calm my voice was.
“Because I know how it feels to be alone,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “I don’t know how it feels to lose someone the way you lost Evan, but I know how it feels to have a life that you can’t share with someone. I know how it feels to live a life where no one is there to live it with you. I know how hard it is to live with a mask on so no one can actually see who you are or what you’re feeling.” He paused, breaking the gaze he had on me to look down at the cup of coffee in his lap. “I know how it feels to be trapped inside of a life that you never meant to have, and I know that Evan wouldn’t have wanted that for you.”
The sincerity of his confession overwhelmed me, and I felt the sting of tears trying to force their way into my eyes as I looked at him. Sidney wasn’t an open book, by any means, but Kris had told Evan and I that Sidney wasn’t as happy as he seemed. It was easy to assume that someone who lived his life would find contentment despite the obstacles, but he was right; Sidney was trapped in his life, living all of these wonderful achievements away from his family and without love beside him. He had given up his comfort to chase his dreams, but the dreams had stolen him.
I had left my family to be closer to Evan, to chase my dreams of he and I. Now I was without him, living in a shell of what I had imagined for myself, feeling empty for days and trying desperately to hide the pains. Sidney and I were both alone, in completely different ways. The difference, which he was trying to tell me, was that I didn’t have to be. Sidney’s life forced a loneliness that he had come to accept at some point. My life had the chance to be filled with comfort and friendships, and I had pushed it all away. Therapy had been the right step, but avoiding every reminder of what I used to have and leaving so much of my past behind, that was wrong.
Kris stirred again, causing both Sidney and I to stare at him, waiting to see if he’d awaken or not. Kris let out a soft groan, one of his hands lifting to feel the back of his head before his eyes opened and he stared up at the two of us. “I didn’t imagine it, did I?”
We both shook our heads. “No, you’re really in the hospital, dude,” Sidney said, smiling slightly.
Kris smirked. “I knew that. I meant them cutting my hair,” he forced himself to sit up. “I was hoping it was a nightmare.”
I couldn’t help but grin, relief washing over me as Kris appeared to be fine, the relief being swallowed by the surprise I felt at how happy I was to see him be perfectly fine. “Are you still on all that medicine?” I asked.
Kris looked at me, his eyes hovering on my face for a few long seconds before he smiled. “Maybe.” He glanced over at Sid, “Were you two talking about me?” He asked, eyeing the two of us.
Sidney grinned. “We sure were.”
Kris sighed, moving his pillow so he could rest his back against it. “I’m glad to see the two of you,” he admitted, nodding slightly. “I was sure I’d wake up alone.” He looked over at me, his eyes moving across my face, seeming to soak in every detail. “I thought you would be gone for sure, after all of the things I’ve done.”
I saw Sidney turn to look at me as I looked back at Kris. I let out a long sigh before I gave him a half smile. “No one should be alone when they don’t have to be,” I finally said.
Kris seemed confused by the response, but nodded. I felt Sidney reach out to place a hand on my knee, giving it a small pat of approval. It was an out of character gesture from him, but I understood why he had done it.
It was time to start moving forward and stop being alone. And even though we weren’t close, I was doing this for both Sidney and I.
“So,” I began, placing my coffee on the table by Kris’ bed. “What are going to do to try and hide the chunk of hair missing on the back of your head?” I asked Kris.
He groaned, covering his face with his hands as both Sidney and I laughed.
And it felt wonderful to laugh again.
I groaned, lifting up my head and forcing my eyes open, a hand immediately flying to the back of my neck, which was so stiff from how awkwardly I had fallen asleep. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” I mumbled.
Sidney laughed, two cups of coffee in his hands as he stood a few feet away from me. “It’s just odd to see you two not fighting, that’s all,” he explained, handing me a cup of coffee. “Two creams and two sugars, right?”
I nodded, thanking him quietly as I accepted the cup, still trying to stretch out my neck. “Are his parents back?” I asked, yawning afterwards.
Sidney shook his head, looking down at Kris, who was still fast asleep, with a sympathetic glaze in his eyes. “No, they’re probably still asleep. It’s only six in the morning, there aren’t even supposed to be visitors now.”
“How did you get in, then?” I asked, taking a cautious sip of the coffee.
He shrugged, leaning against the wall behind him. “Katy, do you know who I am?” I laughed, nearly spilling the coffee all over myself as I did so.
Kris stirred for a second, briefly looking as though he was about to wake up, but soon let out a small groan and fell back into peaceful sleep.
My eyes studied his peaceful face for a few seconds before moving back over to where Sidney was leaning against the wall, only noticing then how tired Sidney looked. “Did you sleep?” I asked him, both of my hands wrapping around the Styrofoam cup of coffee to absorb its warmth.
He took a long drink from his own cup before letting out a sigh. “Not much,” he admitted. “It’s hard to sleep when of your best friends is in the hospital. Even harder when you were three feet away from the reason he’s in the hospital.”
I nodded, a small wave of pity soaking into my brain as I looked Sidney over. He was a quiet man, which was no secret, and his ability to open up to people and create new friendships had become almost non-existent thanks to the constant attention he was thrown. He and Kris had been drafted the same year, both for the Penguins. Sidney was immediately placed onto the Penguins roster, whispers of a Stanley Cup, the Calder and every other award he could win being exchanged all around him. Kris had been sent to the farm team, his talent not developed enough to play with the likes of Sergei Gonchar or Brooks Orpik quite yet. But, sometime between Sidney making the team and Kris not, the two had formed a friendship.
I remembered the night that Evan had told me about Sidney Crosby. I was filling out college applications, he was reading hockey stats. Evan wasn’t eligible for the draft in 2005, he had to wait until 2006, but he had been memorizing every team in the NHL’s stats since he was 13. I had heard Sidney’s name before, but knew nothing of him. When he went first overall, Evan told me that it wasn’t a surprise.
“People have been guessing about where he’ll end up since he was 15, Katy, not even kidding,” he told me, watching the TV as Sidney climbed up onto the stage to accept his jersey. “I heard that the Pens were interested in Kris, too. Could you imagine that?” He asked me, turning to grin at me. “If Kris and Sidney Crosby were just team-mates? God, that’d be awesome.”
“Why did they pick Crosby instead, then?” I had asked, blushing when Evan stared at me with his mouth hanging open. “I mean, Kris is really good, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, but Crosby,” Evan paused, shaking his head as he searched for the right words. “Crosby is on a whole ‘nother level from Kris, and most players. The guy’s getting called the next Gretzky, and he hasn’t even set foot in the NHL yet. He can carry the puck better then anyone else in this draft, I guarantee it.”
“So, we really want Kris to get picked by the Penguins then?” I asked.
Evan nodded, his eyes still on the TV. “We really do.”
“Katy?” Sidney asked, drawing me out of my daydream. “You okay?”
I nodded, smiling apologetically. “I was just thinking, that’s all.”
Sidney gave me a knowing look, licking his lips before he quietly asked, “Evan?”
The sound of his name still sent a searing pain into the depths of my ribcage, encasing my heart in it’s grip. I felt winded for a brief second, but nodded. “It’s weird, but now that I’m out of therapy, it seems like I keep having flashbacks. The smallest thing brings back to a memory.”
“They say it takes the first year before you come out of shock,” Sidney told me, finally grabbing a chair from the side of the room and quietly pulling it over to where I was, taking a seat. “It’s understandable.”
I looked back down at Kris, my eyes moving to the monitors he was hooked up to before drifting back to his face. “Travis told me that Kris is in love with me.”
Sidney didn’t react, causing me to turn and look at him. He was silent, seeming to debate the proper response. When he realized I was eyeing him he gave a casual shrug. “I think it should be Kris who tells you that, not someone else.”
“Did everyone know except me?” I asked, leaning back in my seat.
Sidney let out a small chuckle. “He didn’t say it, but we all knew, yeah,” he admitted, taking a small sip of his coffee. “He talked about you more than he talked about hockey when I first met him, you know?” He shared, smiling at the look of genuine shock hat cascaded down my face. “He talked about Evan a lot, too, but you,” he paused, having to yawn before continuing, “you were what he seemed to miss the most.” Sidney chewed on his lip for a moment before looking at me. “How did you and Kris meet?”
I sighed, “We had Social Studies together in grade nine. I had just moved there, so the teacher just sent me over to his table because there was an empty spot, and we ended up being partnered together for some project where we had to study one of the great tragedies that had happened in the last ten years and share it with the class,” I answered, thinking back to that time. I felt a smile tug at the corner of my lips. “We picked the Challenger, you know that space craft that exploded?” I asked, seeing Sidney nod from the corner of my eye. “We totally failed it. Kris was too shy to talk in front of the class, and I was too shy to talk to Kris because I barely spoke any French. We each studied the assignment on our own and brought our notes the day of, only to find out that we had both forgotten to look up who was on the space craft, and my entire assignment was in English.”
Sidney laughed. “And a friendship was born,” he muttered.
I smiled. “Yeah. He bought me French fries from the cafeteria to apologize for it, making a joke because he was French. I reminded him that the entire school was French, and then he told me that his best friend wasn’t from Quebec either.”
“And that’s how you met Evan,” Sidney finished, nodding. “Why the hell did your parents move you to Quebec if none of you spoke French?”
I laughed, “My dad was offered a teaching job at a University. He spoke French fluently, obviously, and my mom did whatever my dad told her to. My older sister was already engaged, so she could care less what happened since she’d be moving off to be with her husband and nobody asked me how I felt,” I concluded, a knot of bitterness forming inside of me. “Nobody ever asked how I felt.”
Sidney was silent, not wanting to touch on the subject of my parents, aware of how touchy the subject was. He cleared his throat before changing the subject. “Have you ever thought about being with someone else?”
I was completely shocked by the question, my head snapping to face him. “Sid, my boyfriend died.” I reminded him.
Sidney nodded, “I know, but, and I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but it’s been over a year now,” he reminded me, now facing me. “Do you just plan to be alone forever?”
“I planned to be with Evan forever,” I answered.
Sidney sighed, letting the air out through his nostrils. “Evan isn’t here, Katy,” he reminded me softly. “You’ve been pushing everyone away to hang no to the one person who isn’t here anymore.”
I was silent, my eyes moving away from Sidney and back to Kris, who was still asleep.
“You can’t have a life with a memory, Katy. I know you loved Evan, and I know he loved you, but you’re not actually going to give up a chance at having all those things you wanted just because it’s not with Evan, are you?” He asked.
“Why are you asking me this?” I asked him, surprised by how calm my voice was.
“Because I know how it feels to be alone,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “I don’t know how it feels to lose someone the way you lost Evan, but I know how it feels to have a life that you can’t share with someone. I know how it feels to live a life where no one is there to live it with you. I know how hard it is to live with a mask on so no one can actually see who you are or what you’re feeling.” He paused, breaking the gaze he had on me to look down at the cup of coffee in his lap. “I know how it feels to be trapped inside of a life that you never meant to have, and I know that Evan wouldn’t have wanted that for you.”
The sincerity of his confession overwhelmed me, and I felt the sting of tears trying to force their way into my eyes as I looked at him. Sidney wasn’t an open book, by any means, but Kris had told Evan and I that Sidney wasn’t as happy as he seemed. It was easy to assume that someone who lived his life would find contentment despite the obstacles, but he was right; Sidney was trapped in his life, living all of these wonderful achievements away from his family and without love beside him. He had given up his comfort to chase his dreams, but the dreams had stolen him.
I had left my family to be closer to Evan, to chase my dreams of he and I. Now I was without him, living in a shell of what I had imagined for myself, feeling empty for days and trying desperately to hide the pains. Sidney and I were both alone, in completely different ways. The difference, which he was trying to tell me, was that I didn’t have to be. Sidney’s life forced a loneliness that he had come to accept at some point. My life had the chance to be filled with comfort and friendships, and I had pushed it all away. Therapy had been the right step, but avoiding every reminder of what I used to have and leaving so much of my past behind, that was wrong.
Kris stirred again, causing both Sidney and I to stare at him, waiting to see if he’d awaken or not. Kris let out a soft groan, one of his hands lifting to feel the back of his head before his eyes opened and he stared up at the two of us. “I didn’t imagine it, did I?”
We both shook our heads. “No, you’re really in the hospital, dude,” Sidney said, smiling slightly.
Kris smirked. “I knew that. I meant them cutting my hair,” he forced himself to sit up. “I was hoping it was a nightmare.”
I couldn’t help but grin, relief washing over me as Kris appeared to be fine, the relief being swallowed by the surprise I felt at how happy I was to see him be perfectly fine. “Are you still on all that medicine?” I asked.
Kris looked at me, his eyes hovering on my face for a few long seconds before he smiled. “Maybe.” He glanced over at Sid, “Were you two talking about me?” He asked, eyeing the two of us.
Sidney grinned. “We sure were.”
Kris sighed, moving his pillow so he could rest his back against it. “I’m glad to see the two of you,” he admitted, nodding slightly. “I was sure I’d wake up alone.” He looked over at me, his eyes moving across my face, seeming to soak in every detail. “I thought you would be gone for sure, after all of the things I’ve done.”
I saw Sidney turn to look at me as I looked back at Kris. I let out a long sigh before I gave him a half smile. “No one should be alone when they don’t have to be,” I finally said.
Kris seemed confused by the response, but nodded. I felt Sidney reach out to place a hand on my knee, giving it a small pat of approval. It was an out of character gesture from him, but I understood why he had done it.
It was time to start moving forward and stop being alone. And even though we weren’t close, I was doing this for both Sidney and I.
“So,” I began, placing my coffee on the table by Kris’ bed. “What are going to do to try and hide the chunk of hair missing on the back of your head?” I asked Kris.
He groaned, covering his face with his hands as both Sidney and I laughed.
And it felt wonderful to laugh again.
I Love this story!
4/7/14