Therapy
Submerging
Have you ever dunked yourself beneath the water in the bath tub and opened your eyes, just to see how everything looked? The way that the movement of the water distorted your view, causing the images to look as if they were dancing, and the struggle to keep your eyes open against the urge to shut out the water was something I used to love doing as child. Submerging myself beneath the waves and listening to the silence that flooded into my ears was one of the most unexplainable joys to me, for reasons I still don’t understand.
Life after Evan first passed was as if I lived beneath the water. Nothing seemed to stand still for me anymore. My eyes screamed at me to close them and shut out the pains they were being hit with, and it seemed like my head was full of water. I could hear the sounds when someone spoke to me, but the words sounded dragged out, muffled and barely picked up. I spent the fist week lying in bed, my head beneath the covers in the same sort of fashion as I had done in the bathtub, silencing and blacking out the world. I just wanted to scream, and let every emotion out, but I couldn’t.
It took the first two months of therapy before I started dressing properly and wearing some make-up. It took three months after that before I started eating better. I’m not sure when I became capable of speaking in full sentences, understanding those around me and holding myself together, but I hadn’t resorted to hiding beneath the coves of my bed or submerging myself under water in almost a year. Needless to say, when Sara opened the door to my bedroom two days after my encounter with Kris at the cemetery and found me hidden beneath the blankets, she was surprised.
“Katy? Are you alive?” She asked, walking over to the edge of my bed and tugging the blankets off of my face, frowning. “What’s up with you?”
I sighed, propping myself up a bit on my elbows. “I don’t know.”
Sara looked concerned, her mouth tightening a bit. “You don’t know? As in there’s no reason for you to be cooped up in your room, hiding beneath the blankets with the lights off? Katy, come on. You haven’t been like this since you started therapy, what’s going on?”
I finally sat up, trying to tame the wildness of my hair with my hands. “You know how I told you that I went to Evan’s tombstone and had a breakdown?” I asked, waiting for her to reply with a head nod. “Well, I may have left out a few details.”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “What kind of details?”
I twisted my mouth from side to side for a few seconds, debating whether I actually wanted to share the whole story before I relented. “Kris was there too.”
Sara looked as if she had been punched in the face, her head reeling back away from me as she blinked rapidly for a few seconds before giving her head a shake. “What was that?”
“Sara,” I began, already regretting my decision to share the secret, “it’s not a big deal, he was just going there to drop off some flowers-”
“Flowers? What a man,” she interrupted, rolling her eyes.
“-and I was already there and having my melt-down, so he talked to me,” I finished, ignoring her interruption.
“If it wasn’t a big deal, why was I unaware of it?” She asked, looking a little smug as she asked.
“You hate Kris. If I told you that I had my meltdown with him, you would have gone on a rant about how big of a dick he’s been, and how I should pay no attention to how nice he’s being now, blah, blah, blah,” I reminded.
“First off, I thought you were going somewhere else with that ‘what a big dick’ comment. Secondly, even though everything you said is true, you clearly hid this from me for some other reason.” She eyed me, the slight annoyance falling from her face as she looked me over. “Whatever happened, Katy, it was intense enough that you barely left your room yesterday, and you’re hiding under your blankets today.”
I rubbed my forehead. “I know. I’m not sure what it is, I just feel,” I paused, looking upwards as I searched for the word. “Guilty.”
The confession made Sara drop her head into her hands and shake it, as if she could hardly believe that I had said that. “Why did it make you feel guilty? You didn’t make-out on Evan’s grave,” she lifted her head up to look at me once more, “did you?”
I reached out to swat at her, too tired to try again after she ducked the hit. “No, but, somehow I feel like I was betraying Evan. I don’t know how to explain it. When I was in that moment, crying next to Kris while we both admitted that we felt completely alone now, I felt relieved. It was like I was no longer alone, and that momentary breakdown made me feel kind of comforted.” I paused, having to yawn. “But once I got home and thought everything over, I felt like I shouldn’t feel that way.”
Sara seemed confused for a moment. “You felt guilty for no longer feeling alone?”
“Is that crazy?” I asked.
“Well, if you ask me, yes. But I’m sure that if you told your therapist, she’d tell you it’s a perfectly understandable emotion to feel, or something like that.” Sara patted my leg, “But you have to get up and head off to teach some seven year old piano lessons, so get at ‘er!”
I let out a soft laugh, pushing the covers off of my legs as Sara left my room, shutting the door behind her so I could start to get dressed.
------------------------------
I had agreed to meet Marc for lunch after my piano lesson, and after his morning practice. My stomach was eager to have actual food in it once more, after I had deprived it the day before, and the smell of food that wafted into my nostrils as I neared the restaurant made me just about drool all over myself.
“Kaitlin!” Marc called, already waiting at a table for me. “So good to see you,” he greeted, standing up to give me his standard one armed hug. “How have you been? I already ordered some spinach and artichoke dip for you, I hope that’s okay.”
I smiled at him, sitting down. “That’s fine. And I’m fine, thanks for asking. How was practice?”
“Good for everyone but me,” he said, sighing overdramatically. “The whole team learned how to score this weekend.” He paused, thinking over what he had just said before he giggled.
I only shook my head at him, thanking the waitress as she sat down a glass of water in front of me, immediately taking a sip from it. “So, the shootout wasn’t much fun today?” I asked.
“Nah. Almost the entire team had gotten the puck in the net in the first round. There was only about seven of them left in the second. There wasn’t even a third round,” he scratched his face. “Not a good day for Flower.” He glanced back over to me, smiling slightly. “How was your day?”
I shrugged. “It was okay. Taught a little girl how to play ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ for her school’s Christmas play.”
Marc made a face. “Christmas? It’s not even November yet!”
“I know, but she wants to make sure she plays it perfectly,” I explained, shrugging. “Whatever, they pay me fifty bucks a lesson, I can teach her to play Jingle Bells.”
“Fifty dollars for Christmas music?” Marc asked, lifting up his glass of water, “You are living the life.”
“I’m sorry, did the guy who gets paid five million dollars a year but didn’t make it past round two of the shootout drill say something?” I asked, grinning at his reaction.
There was a lull in the conversation as the waitress brought over our food and we both began to eat, too entranced with the food to actually carry on a conversation.
After a few moments Marc cleared his throat, trying to swallow the mouthful of dry ribs he was eating. “So, Kris told me that you and him visited Evan’s grave?” He asked, looking up at me as he grabbed another dry rib to eat.
I nodded, a tortilla chip covered in spinach and artichoke dip half-way to my mouth. “Yeah, I was already there when he arrived.”
Marc nodded. Whether he knew more details of the visit or not, he didn’t let on. “Well, that’s good. I’m glad that you’re not holding his earlier behaviour against him.”
I nodded, chewing on my food before speaking again. “When he was in the hospital, Sid sort of had a talk with me.”
Marc laughed, “A captain Crosby talk? Uh-oh.”
“No, it wasn’t a scolding,” I said, smiling slightly. “He just talked about how he lives his life alone, to live with a mask on and push everyone away from you because you think they could never understand, and he told me that I shouldn’t live that life. I guess he wanted me to realize that Kris was struggling the same way I was, he had just been reacting differently.”
“He’s an insightful guy, Crosby. That son of a bitch,” Marc said, making me laugh slightly.
When there was another pause in conversation, I looked up, catching the look on Marc’s face. “What are you thinking?” I asked, feeling a sense of worry creep into my veins. “You have that weird thinking face of yours.”
Marc grinned, leaning back a bit in his chair. “I’m just thinking that you and Kris should spend more time together. It’s obviously helping both of you, and if anyone is going to understand what you’re going through, it’s him.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “But I’m still unsure. I mean, I believe that he’s working on his issues and all that, but I can’t just overlook the fact that he was a complete ass to me right after Evan’s death.”
“No, you can’t,” Marc agreed, wiping his hands with his napkin. “But, be honest with me here, did talking to him at the cemetery making you feel better? Maybe even less alone?”
I let my eyes fall away from his face and down to the table, nodding. “It did. It was the first time since I lost Evan that I actually felt like someone was there for me, and they understood how much pain there was inside of me.”
“Then don’t push him away.” Marc instructed, looking at me with a serious look, one I didn’t often see across his face. “Everyone needs to be saved, right?”
I made a face. “What movie did you get that from?”
He grinned, pushing his empty plate away from him. “One I’m ashamed to admit I watched.” He was already digging through his wallet for his card, even though the waitress hadn’t come to collect our plates or give us the bill yet. “I’ll tell you what, tomorrow is an off-day, coach doesn’t want to overwork us with these three days off, he wants us to rest. I think you should come to my house tomorrow afternoon for our movie day. There will be a bunch of the guys and their ladies. You could see Jordan and Tyler again, you always liked them, right?”
I smirked at him. “I don’t actually have a choice in this, do I?” I asked.
“Ah, you know me so well, Katy,” He admitted, laughing slightly. “I’ll tell Kris to pick you up.”
“I have my own car, you know?” I reminded,
He shrugged, “No point in wasting your own gas. He makes a lot of money, Katy, he can drive out of his way to get you and spend a little money on gas.”
“You’re such a considerate friend,” I joked.
“Hey,” he said, pointing a finger at me, “would I pay for your lunch if I wasn’t considerate?”
“Good point,” I admitted. “But you did order for me without asking what I wanted.”
“You said that was fine!”
“That was before you were all planning a way to make Kris and I talk some more,” I pointed out.
He sighed, letting his shoulders sag down as he did so. “Fine, you also make a good point.” He smiled at the waitress as she noticed he was waiting to go, promising to bring the cheque right away. “Kris will pick you up at three. Party start at five, but you two can help me set up, since Vero can’t make it.” He patted the top of my head as he passed me to head over to the counter, where the waitress was printing off the cheque, leaving me to only shake my head at him.
Life after Evan first passed was as if I lived beneath the water. Nothing seemed to stand still for me anymore. My eyes screamed at me to close them and shut out the pains they were being hit with, and it seemed like my head was full of water. I could hear the sounds when someone spoke to me, but the words sounded dragged out, muffled and barely picked up. I spent the fist week lying in bed, my head beneath the covers in the same sort of fashion as I had done in the bathtub, silencing and blacking out the world. I just wanted to scream, and let every emotion out, but I couldn’t.
It took the first two months of therapy before I started dressing properly and wearing some make-up. It took three months after that before I started eating better. I’m not sure when I became capable of speaking in full sentences, understanding those around me and holding myself together, but I hadn’t resorted to hiding beneath the coves of my bed or submerging myself under water in almost a year. Needless to say, when Sara opened the door to my bedroom two days after my encounter with Kris at the cemetery and found me hidden beneath the blankets, she was surprised.
“Katy? Are you alive?” She asked, walking over to the edge of my bed and tugging the blankets off of my face, frowning. “What’s up with you?”
I sighed, propping myself up a bit on my elbows. “I don’t know.”
Sara looked concerned, her mouth tightening a bit. “You don’t know? As in there’s no reason for you to be cooped up in your room, hiding beneath the blankets with the lights off? Katy, come on. You haven’t been like this since you started therapy, what’s going on?”
I finally sat up, trying to tame the wildness of my hair with my hands. “You know how I told you that I went to Evan’s tombstone and had a breakdown?” I asked, waiting for her to reply with a head nod. “Well, I may have left out a few details.”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “What kind of details?”
I twisted my mouth from side to side for a few seconds, debating whether I actually wanted to share the whole story before I relented. “Kris was there too.”
Sara looked as if she had been punched in the face, her head reeling back away from me as she blinked rapidly for a few seconds before giving her head a shake. “What was that?”
“Sara,” I began, already regretting my decision to share the secret, “it’s not a big deal, he was just going there to drop off some flowers-”
“Flowers? What a man,” she interrupted, rolling her eyes.
“-and I was already there and having my melt-down, so he talked to me,” I finished, ignoring her interruption.
“If it wasn’t a big deal, why was I unaware of it?” She asked, looking a little smug as she asked.
“You hate Kris. If I told you that I had my meltdown with him, you would have gone on a rant about how big of a dick he’s been, and how I should pay no attention to how nice he’s being now, blah, blah, blah,” I reminded.
“First off, I thought you were going somewhere else with that ‘what a big dick’ comment. Secondly, even though everything you said is true, you clearly hid this from me for some other reason.” She eyed me, the slight annoyance falling from her face as she looked me over. “Whatever happened, Katy, it was intense enough that you barely left your room yesterday, and you’re hiding under your blankets today.”
I rubbed my forehead. “I know. I’m not sure what it is, I just feel,” I paused, looking upwards as I searched for the word. “Guilty.”
The confession made Sara drop her head into her hands and shake it, as if she could hardly believe that I had said that. “Why did it make you feel guilty? You didn’t make-out on Evan’s grave,” she lifted her head up to look at me once more, “did you?”
I reached out to swat at her, too tired to try again after she ducked the hit. “No, but, somehow I feel like I was betraying Evan. I don’t know how to explain it. When I was in that moment, crying next to Kris while we both admitted that we felt completely alone now, I felt relieved. It was like I was no longer alone, and that momentary breakdown made me feel kind of comforted.” I paused, having to yawn. “But once I got home and thought everything over, I felt like I shouldn’t feel that way.”
Sara seemed confused for a moment. “You felt guilty for no longer feeling alone?”
“Is that crazy?” I asked.
“Well, if you ask me, yes. But I’m sure that if you told your therapist, she’d tell you it’s a perfectly understandable emotion to feel, or something like that.” Sara patted my leg, “But you have to get up and head off to teach some seven year old piano lessons, so get at ‘er!”
I let out a soft laugh, pushing the covers off of my legs as Sara left my room, shutting the door behind her so I could start to get dressed.
------------------------------
I had agreed to meet Marc for lunch after my piano lesson, and after his morning practice. My stomach was eager to have actual food in it once more, after I had deprived it the day before, and the smell of food that wafted into my nostrils as I neared the restaurant made me just about drool all over myself.
“Kaitlin!” Marc called, already waiting at a table for me. “So good to see you,” he greeted, standing up to give me his standard one armed hug. “How have you been? I already ordered some spinach and artichoke dip for you, I hope that’s okay.”
I smiled at him, sitting down. “That’s fine. And I’m fine, thanks for asking. How was practice?”
“Good for everyone but me,” he said, sighing overdramatically. “The whole team learned how to score this weekend.” He paused, thinking over what he had just said before he giggled.
I only shook my head at him, thanking the waitress as she sat down a glass of water in front of me, immediately taking a sip from it. “So, the shootout wasn’t much fun today?” I asked.
“Nah. Almost the entire team had gotten the puck in the net in the first round. There was only about seven of them left in the second. There wasn’t even a third round,” he scratched his face. “Not a good day for Flower.” He glanced back over to me, smiling slightly. “How was your day?”
I shrugged. “It was okay. Taught a little girl how to play ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ for her school’s Christmas play.”
Marc made a face. “Christmas? It’s not even November yet!”
“I know, but she wants to make sure she plays it perfectly,” I explained, shrugging. “Whatever, they pay me fifty bucks a lesson, I can teach her to play Jingle Bells.”
“Fifty dollars for Christmas music?” Marc asked, lifting up his glass of water, “You are living the life.”
“I’m sorry, did the guy who gets paid five million dollars a year but didn’t make it past round two of the shootout drill say something?” I asked, grinning at his reaction.
There was a lull in the conversation as the waitress brought over our food and we both began to eat, too entranced with the food to actually carry on a conversation.
After a few moments Marc cleared his throat, trying to swallow the mouthful of dry ribs he was eating. “So, Kris told me that you and him visited Evan’s grave?” He asked, looking up at me as he grabbed another dry rib to eat.
I nodded, a tortilla chip covered in spinach and artichoke dip half-way to my mouth. “Yeah, I was already there when he arrived.”
Marc nodded. Whether he knew more details of the visit or not, he didn’t let on. “Well, that’s good. I’m glad that you’re not holding his earlier behaviour against him.”
I nodded, chewing on my food before speaking again. “When he was in the hospital, Sid sort of had a talk with me.”
Marc laughed, “A captain Crosby talk? Uh-oh.”
“No, it wasn’t a scolding,” I said, smiling slightly. “He just talked about how he lives his life alone, to live with a mask on and push everyone away from you because you think they could never understand, and he told me that I shouldn’t live that life. I guess he wanted me to realize that Kris was struggling the same way I was, he had just been reacting differently.”
“He’s an insightful guy, Crosby. That son of a bitch,” Marc said, making me laugh slightly.
When there was another pause in conversation, I looked up, catching the look on Marc’s face. “What are you thinking?” I asked, feeling a sense of worry creep into my veins. “You have that weird thinking face of yours.”
Marc grinned, leaning back a bit in his chair. “I’m just thinking that you and Kris should spend more time together. It’s obviously helping both of you, and if anyone is going to understand what you’re going through, it’s him.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “But I’m still unsure. I mean, I believe that he’s working on his issues and all that, but I can’t just overlook the fact that he was a complete ass to me right after Evan’s death.”
“No, you can’t,” Marc agreed, wiping his hands with his napkin. “But, be honest with me here, did talking to him at the cemetery making you feel better? Maybe even less alone?”
I let my eyes fall away from his face and down to the table, nodding. “It did. It was the first time since I lost Evan that I actually felt like someone was there for me, and they understood how much pain there was inside of me.”
“Then don’t push him away.” Marc instructed, looking at me with a serious look, one I didn’t often see across his face. “Everyone needs to be saved, right?”
I made a face. “What movie did you get that from?”
He grinned, pushing his empty plate away from him. “One I’m ashamed to admit I watched.” He was already digging through his wallet for his card, even though the waitress hadn’t come to collect our plates or give us the bill yet. “I’ll tell you what, tomorrow is an off-day, coach doesn’t want to overwork us with these three days off, he wants us to rest. I think you should come to my house tomorrow afternoon for our movie day. There will be a bunch of the guys and their ladies. You could see Jordan and Tyler again, you always liked them, right?”
I smirked at him. “I don’t actually have a choice in this, do I?” I asked.
“Ah, you know me so well, Katy,” He admitted, laughing slightly. “I’ll tell Kris to pick you up.”
“I have my own car, you know?” I reminded,
He shrugged, “No point in wasting your own gas. He makes a lot of money, Katy, he can drive out of his way to get you and spend a little money on gas.”
“You’re such a considerate friend,” I joked.
“Hey,” he said, pointing a finger at me, “would I pay for your lunch if I wasn’t considerate?”
“Good point,” I admitted. “But you did order for me without asking what I wanted.”
“You said that was fine!”
“That was before you were all planning a way to make Kris and I talk some more,” I pointed out.
He sighed, letting his shoulders sag down as he did so. “Fine, you also make a good point.” He smiled at the waitress as she noticed he was waiting to go, promising to bring the cheque right away. “Kris will pick you up at three. Party start at five, but you two can help me set up, since Vero can’t make it.” He patted the top of my head as he passed me to head over to the counter, where the waitress was printing off the cheque, leaving me to only shake my head at him.
I Love this story!
4/7/14