Kris looked just as unsure as I felt when I answered my door the next day to find him there. He offered a half smile, his hands stuffed into his pockets, his dark hair tucked under a backwards hat. “Hi.”

I tried to smile back, tugging on a light cardigan over my tshirt. “Hi. Sorry you had to come get me.”

He shrugged. “It’s okay. If the movies Flower picked out are bad, we can just leave early,” he said. I laughed lightly, locking the door behind me before I followed him out to his car.

The drive to Marc’s house wasn’t a long one, but the short distance accompanied by the tense silence of Kris and I seemed to extend the drive, making the minutes morph into hours, feeling wise. I let out a sigh, allowing my head to lean against the window and rest, my concentration falling to the passing scenery instead of how uncomfortable the silence we were sitting in was.

Kris cleared his throat, seeming to shoot a quick glance at me before he leaned forward a bit and turned the radio on, allowing the sounds of whichever band was playing to take over the car. “Is it okay if the radio is on?” He asked.

I shrugged. “It’s your car.”

“I know, but some people don’t like it,” he said.

I lifted my head off the window, glancing at him with a small frown. “There’s people out there that don’t like music?”

There was a hint of a smile on his face as he glanced at me. “Maybe not. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He made a bit of a pouty face, re-thinking his sentence before saying, “More uncomfortable.”

I smiled a bit. “Music is fine, Kris. Don’t worry.”

He nodded, the two of us falling back into silence as a song that neither one of us seemed to recognize played. Kris drummed his fingers on his steering wheel as he drove, a habit I remembered absolutely hating when we were still such good friends. Both he and Evan were guilty of it. Kris would tap out the rhythm with his fingers on either the dashboard or the steering wheel, depending on who was driving. Evan would air guitar if he was the passenger, and if not, he hummed along with the lyrics. Neither one was a good singer, but they always had to be connected to whatever song was playing. It had driven me crazy back when the three of us were such good friends and I would sit in the backseat, completely annoyed by how off key Evan’s humming was, or how irritating Kris’ finger drumming was.

But on the drive over to Marc’s house, where both of us were so unsure of how to even act after the moment at the cemetery, it was a relief to see him simply being Kris. It was just another piece of life before Evan’s death that I had missed.

--------------------------

“Katy!” Marc bellowed as I took my shoes off in the entry way of his house. He came running from across the house to slide to a stop next to me, grinning. “So glad you made it.” He glanced over at Kris, giving him a head nod. “Tangers, nice to see you, as usual.”

Kris nodded back, sending a quick glance back at me before he made his way into the living room where the rest of the guests seemed to be, the sound of laughter a signal that that was where they were.

Marc grinned at me as soon as Kris was out of ear shot. “Did you two bond? Is your friendship back?” He grabbed my arm, pushing the sleeve of my cardigan up so he could look at my wrist.

I frowned, trying to pry my arm from it’s grip. “What are you doing?”

He looked up at me. “Checking to see if you are wearing a friendship bracelet.”

I laughed, tugging my arm away from him. “Really, Marc? No, there is not a friendship bracelet. We barely talked on the whole drive.”

He let out a loud sigh, placing both of his hands on his hips. “Katy, silence is not the way to making progress.” I rolled my eyes, moving around him so I could head into the living room as well.

It was intimidating to see all of those faces again. Although Evan had only played one in the NHL as a call-up, I was familiar with most of the actual Penguins because of my friendship with Kris. Evan and I were always invited to the team’s parties, or over for a get together with the other team mates. Obviously, Kris always included Evan in any event that he threw, and since Evan was always a very social and endearing person, he easily created friendships with them all. I was obviously not as close to any of them as Kris or Evan was, but I considered all of the boys my own friends, at the time.

Standing at the edge of the living room and seeing those same faces, the ones I would have easily called my “buds”, and knowing that I hadn’t even uttered a word to most of them since Evan’s funeral created a knot of nerves within my stomach.

Jordan Staal was the first one to notice me, as he was facing the entrance. For a few seconds, he stared as if he was unsure if I was really there, or if he was in some sort of a hallucination. His odd expression sparked the concern of the rest of the guests, and within seconds, the entire room was turning around to stare at me.

I let my eyes pass each face, placing a name to each one. Jordan, Tyler, Pascal, Sidney, Matt, Max. Obviously, Kris was also there, seeming a tad bit amused by the shocked expression of his friends.

Sidney got up from his spot on the couch and walked straight over to me, offering a smile. “Hey, glad you came.”

I nodded, relieved that he was there. Even if my reunion with him was only for a few minutes while we waited for Kris to wake up, I was happy that I had already spoken to him. It made the awkwardness of the moment seem less intense.

“The girls are outside looking at the new patio furniture Vero bought,” Sidney informed me, turning back around so that he could see the rest of the room. “Guys, you all remember Katy, right?”

I gave the biggest smile I could muster up, offering a lame wave at them all. “Hi. Sorry I’ve been invisible for the last year.”

There was a pause before Jordan grinned, waving back to me. “I’m glad you’re not dead.” He winced, slapping a hand to his forehead. “Sorry, that was a terrible choice of words.”

I laughed, “No, it’s okay. I’m not that sensitive, don’t worry.”

“How have you been?” Pascal Dupuis asked, smiling. “Marc told us you were in therapy?”

I glanced over at Kris, who was too busy checking his cell phone to return the glance. “Actually, I’m still in therapy. I had finished my first year, but I hear you need a couple of years to be okay. Besides, another year gives me time to rant about my family issues. Then none of you would have to hear about it again,” I said.

“I saw your parents at Evan’s birthday event,” Tyler said, scooting over on the couch and offering the space to me. “And I’m guessing by your expression that you didn’t invite them?”

I laughed, making my way over to the couch and taking the seat in between him and Jordan. “Yeah, that was unexpected. I should have seen it coming, though. I mean, if it’s a flashy party and can get them some attention, my mom and dad will be there.” I sighed, “Sorry, I just told you I wouldn’t rant about them anymore, and then I rant about them right after.”

“Ah, I basically forced you into it,” Tyler reminded. “I liked your mom’s dress.”

“Yeah, it was very classy,” Jordan added. “What are your parents names again?”

“Marshall and Cynthia,” I answered, sighing again after.

Jordan nodded. “Classy names.”

“Okay, changing the subject,” Sidney said, shooting me a half smile, “do you still play piano?”

“I actually teach piano now,” I answered. “Why, you want to learn?”

He laughed. “Not really, music’s never really been my thing,” he let out a small laugh. “Actually, we’re planning a Thanksgiving event for Children’s Hospital, and there was talk of having someone come in and play some music for the event.”

I made a face. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather not. They’ll expect me to play kids songs, and children’s music makes me want to gauge my ear drums out.”

“Wow, that’s pretty extreme,” Marc said, startling me as I hadn’t seen him walk into the living room. He grinned at my reaction. “The ladies are asking for you, if you’d like to leave the awkward guy talk,” he said, pointing towards the kitchen, where the doors that led outside were.

“It was not guy talk,” Matt Cooke said, turning to look at me. “We didn’t even bring up boobs. That’s how much we missed you.”

I shook my head, pushing myself off of the couch. “Your wife would be so proud of you.”

He smirked. “That’s probably a lie, but I appreciate the effort.”

I let out a small laugh, making my way out of the living room and out towards where the girls were, relieved to see Vero once more.

“The first movie will start in about ten minutes!” Marc called out after me as I left the living room. “Tell the other girls!”

--------------------------

The movie Marc chose for us all to watch ended up being “300”, a movie I had seen far too many times and was sick of before he had even popped the DVD in.

The other girls there were all nice enough when I stepped outside to meet them. Vero had clearly given them a run-down of my last year and warned them to keep any, “It’s been so long, what wereyou so busy doing?” comments to themselves.

Lacy, Tyler’s girlfriend, had seemed the most confused by my arrival, but tried to cover it up as best she could, offering me a glass of punch and asking about Sara. I knew that the girls would be less welcoming then the boys. After all, I had actual friendships with most of the girlfriends, and to just fall off the face of the earth for over a year because I was too sad was something girls had a harder time overlooking. There were many moments where I wished I had chosen to stay inside with the boys, where the conversations would have focused on making fun of my parents, food and which players on the rival teams I found attractive.

I made my way out of the living room and into the kitchen before the movie had started, choosing to focus on the counter full of snacks instead the movie I was so sick of.

It had only been an hour, but I felt like I had been there for a full day. It was obvious that most of them were unsure of what they could say and do around me. Evan’s birthday event had probably been the first time any of them had even seen me since his funeral, and if all they really knew was that I had spent the last year in therapy, and was still in therapy, it was probably hard to judge what was taking things too far.

“You don’t want to watch the movie?” Kris asked, causing me to look up from the crab dip and at him as he walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, the hat he had been wearing gone from his head.

“Not really,” I confessed, picking up a cracker and dipping it. “What is it with hockey players and that movie? I swear, every one of you loves that movie.”

Kris let out a small laugh, picking up a Nanaimo bar and eyeing it, as if he wasn’t sure whether he should actually eat it or not. “I think it’s more of a man movie, that’s why. There’s lots of blood, lots of swearing-”

“Boobs,” I added, smirking at him as he grinned.

“Those too,” he agreed, finally taking a bite of the Nanaimo bar. “Are you at least having fun?”

I shrugged. “Kind of. It’s nice to see everyone again,” I began, glancing around to make sure no one else was in the kitchen as I dropped my voice to a whisper, “but they’re being kind of weird. The girls are worried I’m not emotionally stable, the guys are worried that they’ll go too far with one of their comments. I know it’s just because they hadn’t seen me in so long, and they all care, but I wish they knew I was fine.” I sighed, taking a bite our of the cracker and chewing on the piece for a moment before adding, “I wish I had the relationships I used too. Before all of this.”

Kris nodded, the bar half gone already. “I know. There are so many days I wish I could block everything out, you know?” He asked me. “I wish I could close my eyes and go back to how things were before Evan’s accident. Back when we all got along,” he moved his focus away from me and towards the big, glass doors that looked outside. “Back to when I was happy,” he finished.

I looked over at him, surprised by the vulnerability in his voice. The front Kris had put up before, all of the anger and hatred he had spewed out at me had vacated itself and left him as the fragile man he was. The pain that he was still struggling to control was growing more and more obvious, and the loneliness of losing his best friend was weighing down on him.

Kris cleared his throat, seeming to need a moment to collect himself beforehe looked back over at me. “We always want things that we can’t have, right?” He asked, half kidding.

I nodded, glancing over at the living room as I heard the sounds of “300” starting. “I miss how things used to be, too.”

Kris let out long breath of air, the strength of it blowing his hair around his face. “I think things have gotten better, though,” he said, taking a seat at one of the kitchen chairs. He let out a small chuckle, grabbing a handful of crackers. “You know, the first two weeks back home, I would fill the bath tub with water, get in and hide beneath the water. It was the only way to quiet everything in my head.”

The confession made me freeze, the memories of my own dark days, the one where I stayed under the blankets or submerged myself beneath the water as Kris had said he did surfaced to the front of my mind. I glanced over at him, noticing that his attention was now on the crackers he was eating. The last confession we had shared came amidst the tears at the cemetery.
I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I don’t either.

But he was alone, wasn’t he? All of the focus both he and his friends were putting on bringing me back into the real world only meant that Kris was being left alone. At the end of the day, I would go home to my apartment with Sara, and tell her about how awkward the day was. Marc would probably call to make sure I had enjoyed myself, and Vero would try to set up a coffee date. Kris would return to his empty house, where he would crawl into bed and wonder why he was so lonely, trying to sleep before heading to practice the next day, where most of his team mates would talk about how nice it was to see me again.

“Kris,” I said, seeming to snap him out of a trance.

He hummed, looking up at me as he popped another cracker into his mouth.

“I used to do that, too. Or, something similiar to it. I'd stay underneath my blankets until the idea of starting the day didn't hurt as much,” I shared, watching as he gazed at me with a sense of confusion. “We’re not that different, are we?” I asked, feeling the tug of a smile. “This whole time, I’ve figured that we were just dealing in completely different ways, but we were just reacting to the process differently.”

He frowned a bit. “I’m not sure what that means,” he admitted.

“You were angry, and I was depressed. Those are two of the most controlling emotions, which I’m sure you’ve already been told in therapy,” I said, waiting for him to confirm that he had. “But we were both going home and trying to silence the pain, because none of the people beside us could understand just how much of a loss Evan was.” I watched his face, waiting to see how he’d react. He still looked unsure, but the tiny glimmer in his eyes made me believe that he was feeling hopeful. “Maybe the only person that understands how much it hurts is you. And maybe I’m the only one that could understand your pain.”

He tugged half of his mouth up into a smile, running a hand through his hair. “I would like that. But I’m not sure I have enough control over myself, yet.”

“When you feel something, it controls you, right?” I asked. “When I was sad, I was overwhelmingly sad. I didn’t want any of the lights on. I felt like I was too depressed to eat, or talk, or laugh. Everything hurt, and I wanted to lie beneath my blankets and not move, not even breathe. It was the only way I felt calm.”

“It’s not the anger I’m scared of, Kaitlin.” Kris shared, watching me now. “It’s everything else. I want us to be the friends we once were, but that friendship that I want, I’m worried we lost it before we lost Evan.”

“We don’t need to be the friends we were in high school,” I pointed out. “We just need to not be alone anymore.”

He studied me again, something I found him doing quite often. “I want to make sure you’re okay, because I know that’s what Evan would want of me.” He paused, licking his lips. “But I… I already told you, I have these feelings, and they’re stronger now because of how messy everything in my head is. Evan is gone, but you’re still his, aren’t you?”

I felt myself growing confused by him, that brief spark of hope that I had felt when I realized how similar Kris and I were in our coping seeming to burn out.

“I’m sorry,” Kris said, giving his head a shake. “I’ve wanted you to tell me that we could help one another since I first saw you at the clinic. I’m just warning you that it might not go well.”

Before I could even offer a response, Sidney walked into the kitchen, seeming to realize he had interrupted an intense discussion, almost wincing when we both turned to stare at him. “I’m sorry. I’m just really hungry.”

I smiled, gesturing at the food. “You’ve come to the right place.”

He grinned, glancing over at Kris, who in return offered a small smile. “Everything okay in here?” He asked, glancing back and forth between the two of us.

Kris seemed to look at me for the answer, concerned that his confessions may have changed my mind. I glanced back up at Sidney, shrugging. “Everything’s fine. Kris and I were just thinking about scheduling in some coffee dates.”

Sidney nodded, beginning to fill his plate with food. “That’s a good idea. No one could understand how either one of you feels better then…the other one.” He made a face, looking over at me. “Do you know what I’m trying to say?”

Both Kris and I let out a small chuckle, exchanging a quick glance. “We get it,” I assured him