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Therapy

The Light

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kris asked, keeping a careful eye on me as I finished off the last of my glass of milk.

“I’m fine, Kris. Stop worrying.” I set the glass into the sink, running a hand through my hair. “Stop looking at me like I’m about to just drop at any second.”

“Well, to be fair, you did just fall over a few hours ago,” Kris reminded, a cheeky smile on his face. “I’m just worried about you.”

I nodded, crossing my arms as I glanced across the apartment. “Well, I think I’m good now, so-”

“He told me to look after you,” Kris said suddenly, his face flushing as he did so.

I shook my head a bit. “What? Who said that?”

“Evan. In the dream I had, he told me I had to take care of you,” he said, his face still tinging.

I felt my heart race increase a bit, a sense of confusion trying to push its way to the forefront of my emotions. I took a deep breath, fighting to keep calm. “You dreamt that Evan came and told you to take care of me?”

Kris rubbed the back of his neck, not answering right away. “Yes.” I shook my head once more, making a move to leave the kitchen. “Wait, Kaitlin,” he said, racing forward to stop me from leaving. “I can’t help what I dream, you can’t be mad at me because of that.”

I moved away from him so he wouldn’t reach out and touch me, seeing that his hand had inched forward when the intention of doing just that. “I don’t care what you dreamt. I just don’t like you saying it as if he came back to give you those instructions.”

Kris let out a sigh, one that echoed off the walls of my apartment. “You can think whatever you want, I’m not trying to tell you that Evan spoke to me in a dream. What I am saying is that I had a dream where my wrongs were shown to me.” He paused, seeming to try and search for the proper way of explaining this to me. “Evan, in my dream, just kept telling me that I was leaving you alone. He kept yelling that I was supposed to watch over you for him, but instead, I was pushing you away.”

“That wasn’t Evan coming back in some supernatural way,” I told him, undecided between being angry or saddened by the details of the dream. “That was probably your subconscious telling you what an asshole you were being.”

He glanced down at his feet, giving his head a gentle nod. “Maybe,” he agreed, lifting his head up to look at me once more, pieces of his hair falling into his face. “Whatever it was, it was right.” He pursed his lips together for a moment before taking a step towards me, eyeing me to see how I reacted to the change in distance between us. “Kaitlin, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I put you in more pain then you were already in. I’m sorry that I was cruel to you, and that I made things harder for you. I am sure that I will never be able to make up for all of that, but you need to know that I am here now.”

I licked my lips, suddenly aware of how dry they were. “Kris, you’re not in debt to me. Were you a jerk? Yes. But, you were just dealing with the loss in an unhealthy way, and now you’re getting help, and there’s no need for you to act like you owe me something, okay? I don’t need you to follow me around offering apologies just because you feel bad about something you can’t change.” I uncrossed my arms, tugging down at the hem of my shirt. “I think I’m okay now. You don’t have to stay here and baby-sit me.”

“That’s not why I am here,” he said, frowning.

I glanced over at him for a moment, seeing the concern plastered over his face. I tore my eyes away from him before that feeling of sympathy became too strong. “Well, whatever your reason is, I’m fine. I’m probably just going to sleep, anyways, and you should head home and do the same. You have practice in the morning, right?”

“Katy, why do you do this?” Kris asked, following me out of the tiny kitchen and into the living room.

I fixed the cushions of the couch, noticing that the one on the middle was beginning to slide out a bit. “Do what?”

I heard him sigh from behind me before he stepped forward and gently grabbed my arm, turning me around so I was facing him. “You tell me that we need to help each other, but when I’m here trying to help you, you push me away.”

I was forced to look up at him this time, my eyes meeting his when I lifted my face. I could see the emotions surging inside of Kris, the same ones I had felt after that day in the diner. Sidney had recognized it as longing, and as I took in Kris’ features, noticing the way that his eyes sagged with a sadness I had felt deep within myself for so long, I saw the same longing in him.

I stepped away from him before I became too entranced, feeling his hand slide softly down my arm as I was out of his grip. “I don’t mean to, I just,” I sighed, running a hand through my hair again. “Things are so weird in my head right now. I don’t know how I feel.”

He seemed to stiffen a bit. “How you feel… about me?”

I bit my lower lip for a second. “About anything.” I sat down on the edge of the couch, placing my elbows on my knees so I could let my hands rest on the sides of my head. “There’s just so much happening now. There’s days that I want to be surrounded by people, and days where I want to be completely isolated. Sometimes I want you and I to be close again, and then sometimes I wish…” I didn’t finish the sentence, not wanting to cause anymore pain to Kris.

He was silent for a few moments. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, standing stoically at the edge of the couch. His body seemed to relax suddenly, and I heard him let out a loud breath of air before he knelt down before me, forcing me to look at him once more. “I understand that you are confused. And I understand that you may want to be alone some days. But you need to understand that being alone is the worst thing we could be ever be.” He took my hands away from my face, surprising me with the action. “I tried to hide. I tried to push you and everyone else away. I took everything I felt, and I hid it in my anger. I know that you were smarter about getting help, but that doesn’t mean that you are stronger.”

I felt the prickle of tears pushing at the back of my eyes but fought it off as much as I could, pulling my hands out of Kris’. “There’s just too much to deal with when you’re around, Kris,” I told him, feeling my voice waver as I spoke. “I don’t know what it is, but everything in my head feels cloudy when you show up now.”

I saw something light up inside of his eyes, and a flicker of a smile sprung across his face before it disappeared. Kris nodded, standing up once more. “If you would like me to leave you alone now, I will. But I will not let you be alone anymore.” He waited for me to tell him if I was still anxious for him to be gone or not, peering down at me with a look of patience that seemed so alien on him.

I looked past him and over at the clock in the kitchen, realizing that Sara was just starting her last class of the night, meaning I would be alone for at least three more hours. I glanced back at Kris, seeing that he was still waiting for a response, the same look of patience on his face. I fidgeted a bit in my seat, glancing quickly around the apartment before my eyes returned to his face. “Do you have to be up early?” I asked.

Kris smiled, shaking his head. “No, there isn’t any practice tomorrow.”

“You told me there was,” I argued, pointing at him accusingly.

He sat down on the other end of the couch, an amused smirk on his face. “No, you assumed I had practice. I never told you that there was a practice.”

I frowned at him, the two of us falling back into silence. I debated the next subject before finally choosing to bring it up. “I’m sorry that I only talk about you losing Evan,” I said quietly. I could see Kris’s head move to look at me as I said the sentence. “I always forget that you lost Luc, too. I don’t mean to, I just get so wrapped up in my own misery, I guess.” I glanced up at him, seeing the intensity in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Kris.”

He didn’t respond right away, but when he went to speak I could hear the cracks in his voice, showing the emotions that the mention of Luc brought up. “I can’t talk about Luc. Evan I can handle, because everyone knew him, but Luc…” he cleared his throat, giving his head a small shake. “I can’t talk about him. Not with you.” He pulled his gaze away from me, still shaking his head. “Not yet.”

The look of pain that had splashed across his face so suddenly made me want to engulf him in a hug and tell him that I was there for him. Moments before I wanted him to leave my alone, but as soon as I saw the pain that he felt, I wanted nothing more than to be near him and help him. The flash of emotions that he made me feel was no longer as confusing as it was frustrating.

Kris opened his mouth to try and talk once more, but all he managed to voice was a squeak before he clamped his mouth shut and turned his head away from me. It was the first time he and I had ever discussed Luc. Kris was already at the point of cutting me out when Luc had passed, and Evan had constantly told me to not bother him about it. Watching Kris’s reaction only showed me how much pain must be inside of him. The out of control anger and antis that he had shown after Evan died made sense. Kris wasn’t just acting out over Evan, he was still in pain from losing Luc. I could hardly imagine going through that twice.

I took a look over at him, seeing the way his eyes had glossed over with tears. There was no more debating it. In one swift movement I had slid across the couch so I was beside him, turning him so that I could wrap my arms around him, allowing him to place his face on my shoulder and cry. It was an odd moment, with him being so vulnerable and myself being so composed, but all I could think about was how desperately I wanted him to not feel so lost anymore. I wanted to take every piece of pain he had ever felt and replace it with something. Something that would fill him with complacency, and bring the smile I had grown so familiar to when we were still friends back. I wanted him to wake up and feel the life inside of him. I wanted to laugh, and feel the passion he used to be so overwhelmed by. I just wanted him to feel alive. I wanted him to feel… something.

Kris lifted his face off of my shoulder and turned away from me, probably wiping the tears from his face. He took in a few deep breaths before he turned back to me, his nose red and his eyes still watery. “I’m sorry,” he said, gesturing to my now wet shoulder. “I didn’t mean to become so sad.”

I almost laughed, looking at the wet spot. “It’s okay. You need to let all of those feeling out sometimes, Kris. It’s not good to fight all of that off.”

He nodded, still trying to calm himself down. “I appreciate you being here for me.”

I nodded back, looking over his face. Kris turned so that he was looking out at the rest of the room, sighing loudly. I looked him over, still feeling as if all I wanted was for this sadness to be out of him. I used to describe Evan as my oxygen. Not enough and I could barely survive, too much and I was on a high. Kris was like a light. He was the person who took those dark spots of life and brightened them. He was the person that made me laugh when my parents made me crazy. He and Evan used to record fake raps for me and mail them to me when they were on the road. He was like the sunshine, as lame as that may sound. He took those cold spots of life and seemed to warm them up. When I lost Evan, I told Dr. Bailey that I had lost the light in my life. Looking at Kris, as he struggled to compose himself once more, I wanted to see that light again.

The thought made me freeze for a moment as my mind flashed back to earlier therapy sessions. I had constantly described the darkness in my life as the lack of light. I spent the first few months discussing how badly I needed that light back. Evan was the air that I had needed to survive. Kris was the light I needed to find my way. But what was it that Dr. Bailey had once told me the light was?

Kris sighed beside me, drawing me out of my trance. He glanced at my shoulder once more, his mouth tugging up into a lopsided smile as he looked back at me. “At least I did not get snot on your shirt, right? That would have made quite the mess.”

I let out a small laugh, agreeing. “You would have owed me a new shirt.”

“I guess it’s good I make quite a bit of money,” he said, trying to fix his hair. “I probably spend most of it on hair products, though.”

I shook my head at him, a bemused smile on my face. “Do you want to watch hockey highlights? I think there’s a few Western conference games still going.”

He nodded, grabbing the remote off of the table and looking down at it. “The numbers are gone.”

“No, they’re still there. They’re just really hard to see,” I told him.

He let out a small chuckle. “Do you mind if I turn on a light?” He asked, already reaching for the lamp next to him.

I nodded, watching as it flickered on so he could see the remote better. The light cascaded across his face, drawing even more attention to his features. To the way his eyelashes were so long that they touched his eyebrows when he looked up. The way the stubble across his face somehow caused your eyes to settle on his lips before looking anywhere else. He was illuminated in front of me as he looked for the right button to push, the light sitting just behind him.

Just as Kris found the button to turn the TV on and began searching for the right channel, I was hit with the answer I had been looking for before. The realization hit me so hard that I almost felt winded, falling back against the couch. The small frustrations in life had been described to me as those clusters of darkness. She had told me that they swallow you, and the test is to see if you’re strong enough to fight your way out of it, or if you surrender to it and let it swallow you whole. And the light, that thing that saved your life, made you fee invincible and gave you the strength to fight through the hardships?

It was love.

Comments

I Love this story!

Psquared91 Psquared91
4/7/14
Amazing ending!
katiexlee katiexlee
1/5/13

AMAZING!

Savannah17 Savannah17
1/4/13
This was a great story!
Dallas. Dallas.
1/4/13
I loved this update!
katiexlee katiexlee
12/29/12