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Therapy

The End

I knew that at some point, I was going to have to go. I had to, just to ease the nerves that still took over my stomach when I thought about the direction Kris and I were moving. He had repected my request to not announce anything until after my visit, which I was so thankful for. He understood why it mattered to me. He didn't question it, or laugh at it. He nodded his head and told me to call him when I was ready to be picked up for Sid's party.

The tombstone looked exactly as I remembered it. The flowers Kris had brought that day were no longer there, a fresh handful of carnations resting in their place. I didn't know when Kris had been here himself, whether it before the spark between the two of us occurred or not, but I was relieved to find that he had been vsited by the same idea before me.

There was a chill in the air, the weather in Pittsburgh dropping slowly into the colder temperatures and raising bumps along my arms with it's coolness. I let out a long breath of air as I knelt down, watching the steam of my breath dance into the air. I ran my fingers along the epitaph of Evan's grave, shaking slightly as I did so. I almost felt as if I couldn't actually follow through with why I was there, a wave of nervousness hitting me unexpectedly, but I shook it off as best as I could, licking my lips before I began.

"Hi, baby," I began, keeping my voice as soft as I could. "I'm sorry I don't come here very often. You know how I a with cemeterys, I don't really like being in them and I hate thinking that you're actually here," I smiled slightly, glancing around to see if I was still alone in the patch of stones or not. "I, uhm, wanted to tell you something. I know I don't have to, but I just feel like I need to. I've spent a long time missing you, and I know that I'm going to miss you every day for the rest of my life, but... I think I'm getting better at it, you know? I've been in therapy for almost a full year now, which I think you knew," I paused, almost laughing at myself, feeling foolish for a second before I carried on. "I ran into Kris again a few months ago. It wasn't good at first. It wasn't good at all, actually. He was still really mad about what happened to you, and he was just not okay, I guess." I sighed, rubbing my hands together. "But I think he's getting better, too. And he's been trying to help me lately. He told me that you asked him to do that, which I thought was crazy because, well," I gestured to the tombstone, "but I guess I can't talk since I'm sitting here, telling you all of this. Anyways, he's becoming one of the most important people in my life right now. I mean, if there's anyone who's going to know how to handle me, other than you, it's Kris, right? And, I don't exactly know what we are or what we'll end up being, but I just felt like I needed to come tell you all of this, because I need you to know that you'll always be with me. Everytime I hear As Tall As Lions, or I see that diner that you and Kris would always eat those sandwiches in, I'll think of you and all those amazing moments we had. I know that I'm always going to love you. I'm just starting to believe that I might be able to love someone else, too. I just hope that's okay." I touched the tombstone again, biting my lip slightly. "I don't know if this is that goodbye that everyone always talks about, or if I'm just completely insane, but... I miss you, and I always will. But someone told me once that I can't just love a memory. I guess I just don't want to be alone anymore. I know you understand. At least, I hope you do."

I could feel the emotions bubbling up underneath my skin. I tried to control them, only allowing a couple of tears to appear as I sat there. I had expected a weight to be lifted. I had expected that moment you see in the movies, where there's this out pouring of light and the protagonist suddenly feels as if they could live again. Maybe it was because I had already had that moment when I realized what I was feeling for Kris, but I had wanted something more. I had come to the cemetery to try and make peace with the noises in my head, but in the seconds that followed my heart-to-heart with Evan's grave, I only felt foolish.

It was just as I was moving my hand away from his grave, sighing in disblief at myself, that I felt it. The sudden weight around my body that made me glance behind me to see if someone was actually holding me. The feeling lasted for only a few seconds before it stopped, leaving me to sit in confusion for a few minutes. It wasn't an outpouring of light like I had been expecting, but I knew without a doubt, and with any idea how it could be possible, that Evan had just told me to let go.

---------------------------

Kris at my house moments after I called to tell him I was ready I was ready to go. His usual backwards cap was gone, leaving his shaggy hair free to be tossed around with every movement of his head. He gave me a smile when I opened the door to greet him. "How did it go?"

I shrugged, not sure how to explain the whole thing to him. "It was good, I think. I'm still not sure if I'm completly insane or not but-"

"You're not," He said quickly, grabbing one of my hands in reassuring fashion. "I know that Evan is not here physically, but there's moments that I feel as if he's still here."

I nodded, relieved that he understood, even though I should have expected him to. "Are you ready?" I asked, tugging the door shut behind me when he nodded and allowing him to lead me out to his car.

The Penguins were about to take off on a 6 game road trip that would keep them away from their loved ones for just over two weeks. Whenever longer trips such as the approaching one occurred, Sidney made sure to throw a small party, almost as a goodbye to those who had to stay behind. It was never anything too much. Sidney wasn't much a drinker, and he never encouraged his own teammates to get carried away, especially on the road where time changes may already be holding back their play level, but there was always an abundance of food and laughter. I hadn't been to one of the parties in almost two years, and the worry that my arrival might be met with the same awkward greetings as my arrival at Marc's movie party were in full swing.

"Calm down," Kris told me as I stepped out of the car, brushing a strand of hair away from my face. "No one will be weird. And you'll have me with you-"

"Yeah, that'll stop them all from acting weird," I told him, almost chuckling. "I'm trying to stay calm, I really am. This is just all weird, even to me, so-"

My ramble of worries was interrupted as Kris leaned down, softly pressing his lips again mine to silence the panic that was raging inside of my mind. "We're in this together, right?" He asked, brushing a thumb against my cheek as he waited for me to agree. "Then there's nothing to be afraid of."

He stepped back, holding a hand out to me, silently asking if I was going to trust him. It was a small gathering, but it was one that I was entirely intimidated by, and he knew that. I had spent the first year of mourning hiding beneath blankets to block out the world, living as if I was beneath the water. I had pushed everyone away from me, chosen to be alone. I had acted strong, assuring everyone that I was fine, not admitting that I didn't remember what it was like to live with feelings. Steps to find my way back to being truly alive had been taken, and maybe I was even at that stage already, but I had a long ways to go.

Kris' hand was a symbol, in some ways. By accepting it, I was promising him that he wasn't alone, we were in this together. I was going to be fearless with him. We were going to be each other's strength.

"Kaitlin?" He asked, looking worried. "If you don't want to go inside I can take you home. It's fine. Whatever is best for you."

I looked from him to the house, and then back at his hand. I could live on the outside, or I could go back to being a part of the life on the inside. It was an easy answer to arrive at.

I grabbed his hand, stepping closer to him as I did so, and offered a smile. "Let's head in."

He nodded, a grin stretching across his face immediately as he walked with me up the three steps that led to Sidney's door. He opened it without knocking, stepping over the threshhold and tugging my arm so I stepped in with him.

Sidney rounded the corner just as the door shut behind me, coming to check and see who had arrived. I could hear the sound of laughter and conversation taking place behind him as he stopped a few feet away from us. His eyes moved from my face to Kris's face, and then to our still clasped hands before he laughed, a reaction that both of us were caught off guard by.

"I'm sorry, it's just," he paused, letting out another laugh, "I've been expecting this for months now, and now that it's happening, I'm surprised." He let out a long sigh, giving his head a shake before he walked over to the two of us and tugged us both into a hug, making Kris groan. "I'm so proud of you guys."

I heard someone gasp from behind Sidney, causing me to stand up on the tips of my toes to see who it was, feeling my face warm when I realized it was Marc.

He stood silently, pointing at Kris and I with his mouth hanging open for a good thirty seconds before he tilted his head to the side a bit. "Are you two just messing with me? Or is love in bloom?"

"Seriously, stop watching your mom's movies," I said, moving around Sidney and taking Kris with me as we began to make our way over to where the rest of the guests are.

Marc let out a squeal, a full on, twelve year old girl squeal, and picked Kris up to spin him around, only managing to move about three inches before both of them fell over, Marc unable to actually carry Kris. The echo of the thud, followed by Sidney's laughter, caught the attention of whoever else was in the house, and before I could process the events, I was surrounded by all of their friends. There was a moment where the voices in my head came back, telling me that I should just leave before I ruined everyone's night. Before I could actually listen to them, Jordan Staal tapped my shoulder, causing me to turn around. He handed me a napkin, with a happy face drawn across it. I glanced from it to him in confusion, waiting for an explanation.

Jordan shrugged, his attention on Marc and Kris as they were almost wrestling behind me. "I just wanted to remember the moment that you actually looked happy again. Then I figured, maybe you should remember it, instead."

I felt something inside of my chest move, a feeling of lightness washing over me as I looked back down at the napkin. He had dated it, and when I turned the napkin over, they had all scribbled their names across it. I had no idea when they had done this, or if they had made it before my arrival out of optimism, but the gesture overwhelemed me. I had been too afraid to even walk into the house moments before, and now there was a napkin in my hand that had been drawn all over, just to celebrate that I was back.

I threw my arms around Jordan's middle, catching him by surprise. "Thank you so much," I told him. I felt him laugh before I heard the sound, and in seconds, I could feel the entire group gather around me, one of them yelling "Aw!" loudly as they leaned down to hug me.

When I managed to emerge from the mob of hugs, Kris had escaped from Marc and was waiting for me, grinning when I walked over to him. "You see?" He asked, taking one of my hands in his. "There's nothing to be afraid of anymore. We're not alone."

I didn't actually get to reply. Marc popped up between the two of us and let out a loud sigh, wrapping an arm around both of our shoulders. "My little babies are growing up," he said, shaking his head. "Vero! Get the camera, we're taking a family photo." He pointed to the rest of the group. "Everyone get in here. And look pretty. TK, you stand at the back where no one will look."

I don't really remember waiting for the picture to be taken, or how I ended up ebeing held bridal style by both Kris and Sidney. But I remember the flash of light when the camera went off, and all of us were laughing so hard we barely noticed. I remember the moment, because it was the first moment in a long time that I was without fear or worry. It was the first moment in a long time that I felt like I belonged with the people around me.

It was the first moment in a long time that I was aware of just how alive I was, and there was no guilt behind me feeling it. I was alive, and I was happy.

Notes

Well, that's it! The story of Kris and Katy has come to an end, and I am so thankful and happy that so many of you took the time to stop by and give this story a look. Thanks so much!

Comments

I Love this story!

Psquared91 Psquared91
4/7/14
Amazing ending!
katiexlee katiexlee
1/5/13

AMAZING!

Savannah17 Savannah17
1/4/13
This was a great story!
Dallas. Dallas.
1/4/13
I loved this update!
katiexlee katiexlee
12/29/12