Therapy
Goodnight Noises
“I played our song on the piano,” I told Dr. Bailey.
She glanced up at me curiously. “On the piano, you played it?” She asked, watching as I nodded my head. “What is your song, may I ask that?”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat, staring down at my hands. “It’s a song called ‘Goodnight Noises Everywhere’, by a band called As Tall As Lions.”
She nodded. “Why was it your song?”
“We went and saw them in concert. It was supposed to be us and our other friend, but he couldn’t make it, so we sold the ticket to some kid on the street and went to the show alone,” I began, reaching a hand up to fix my hair. “They came out and played that song as an encore, and Evan and I, we both went to lean down and grab our stuff at the same time, intending on just leaving without listening to the song so we could beat the traffic out. I don’t really know what happened, but our heads clunked, and we started laughing, falling back into our seats. The two ladies next to us hushed us, because the song is pretty quiet when it first starts, and we both ended up getting lost in it. Evan and I…” I had to stop, realizing that my voice was breaking. I took a moment to breathe before clearing my throat and trying again. “Evan and I had never ever even discussed being anything more then friends. It never even crossed my mind. But, when the song was over, I realized that he had reached over and put his hand on top of my mine. I still don’t know if he did knowingly or if it just kind of happened, we were both so entranced with the song, but everything about our relationship changed in that moment. Dan Nigro, the singer of the band, his voice has this captivating quality to it, and we were both completely lost in the texture of it, but when I seemed to realize that Evan’s hand was on mine, it was like he was snapped out of his trance then. He turned to look at me, and he didn’t say anything, but he lifted his hand off of mine and turned back to look at the stage.”
I bit my lip, glancing up at Dr. Bailey quickly to see how she was reacting to the story. Her face was almost void of emotion at the moment, except for a small furrow in her brow. I thought she was bored of my story telling, but when I took an extra second to examine her, I realized that she was trying to hold back her own emotions. I licked my lips and continued the story. “He didn’t say anything after the concert about the whole hand thing. In fact, he barely spoke at all, the whole drive back home. He had to help me carry in all of my stuff, because I had gone shopping before the concert and bought way too much crap, and as he was heading out of my house, and I was waiting to lock the door, he stopped, and he turned around to look at me for a minute. He had this look that I had never seen on his face before, and I thought he was mad at me for a second because he looked so intense, but then, he let out this soft sigh, which was Evan’s trademark, I swear, and he said, ‘You’re beautiful Kaitln. You’re infuriatingly beautiful.’ And then he picked up my hand and kissed the back of it, and he left.”
Dr. Bailey was silent for a moment, and when I lifted my eyes to glance up at her again, I was surprised to see a glossy look in her eyes. She cleared her throat, adjusting herself in her seat. “So, that song, it was sort of like the first step in you and Evan becoming a couple?”
“Kind of. It took another week before we actually decided to give dating a shot, but it was that night that I actually thought of him as something other than Evan, the guy I got partnered with in ninth grade French. I just kept thinking about that moment where his hand was on top of mine, and the music was playing, and after a couple of days of thinking about it, I realized that what made that moment so odd to me was how much I wished he had done that sooner. I guess it was the first time I stopped and realized that Evan was… Evan was what I wanted.” I let out a sigh, my eyes already watered over. “I thought he was going to be the one but…” I didn’t finish the sentence, my voice cracking.
Dr. Bailey let out a loud breath of air before apologizing. “I’m sorry, Katy, but it appears that our time is up for this session. I feel like we made great progress though,” she told me, walking me towards the door. “I know we only have a few sessions left, but I feel like this one was the real landmark of progress. It’s taken quite some time, but you’re ability to discuss Evan without a bitterness towards his passing, it’s a remarkable thing, Katy.”
I smiled, wiping my eyes. “Thank you. I’ll see you next week,” I told her, placing my purse strap on my shoulder and heading out of her office.
Kris was there again, sitting in the same spot. He saw me immediately, his eyes taking on the look of anger that they held last time I had seen him. Dr. Bailey was talking to her receptionist, and for whatever reason, the waiting room was almost empty. There was only one other man there, and he was asleep in the chair with his headphones in his ears, a Readers Digest Magazine open on his lap.
I shut my eyes and took in a deep breath of air before walking across the room and stopping in front of Kris, trying not to be intimidated by the look he sent me. “Can we talk?”
He moved his gaze away from me. “I have nothing to say to you.”
I rubbed my forehead, glancing back at Dr. Bailey, relieved to find her still pre-occupied. “We have to talk at some point, Kris. It’s not fair of you to just hold something against me without ever allowing me the courtesy of knowing what it is I did.”
He snorted, still not meeting my gaze. “Wow, you’ve been coming here a while, eh?”
I let out a quiet sigh. “You being here clearly means that you want to change things. Why can’t you at least talk to me? If you still hate me afterwards, that’s fine, but can’t you at least sit down and talk to me once?”
Kris stood up, looking down at me. “I am here because I finally have enough time off to try and deal with the fact that my best friend is dead. I didn’t come here because I missed you. But, of course you assume that. Because everyone’s life must revolve around you, right Katy?”
I shook my head, taken aback by his tone. “I didn’t mean that at all, I just don’t there to be such a rift between us anymore.”
“You caused the rift. You put yourself first, and you put everything else second. Evan wouldn’t have even been in the car if you hadn’t told him to come see you. He would have been sitting in the basement with me, playing video games, and he’d still be here.” Kris said, his voice dangerously low. “If you had never called him and told him to come see you, he wouldn’t have wanted to leave and I wouldn’t have said-” he stopped, his jaw clenching as he looked away from me again. I could see the way his eyes had filled up with tears, and how desperately he was trying to blink them back. He looked back at me, one of the tears spilling over. “He’s dead because you couldn’t go one day without seeing him. I lost my best friend because you needed him to come tell you how pretty you were.”
I made no effort to fight the emotions that had taken over my face, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks and rest on the bottom of my chin for a moment before falling onto my shirt. “I didn’t ask him to come see me. I just asked him where he was.”
“You knew that he would leave wherever he was to come see you!” Kris said, his voice raising. “And as soon as everyone finds out that he’s gone, they all want to know how you are. Not me, the guy who was his best friend for years, just you. It was always about you.” He shook his head, tugging his hat off and shaking his hair out. “Everything was always about you.”
I wiped my face, trying to find my voice. “I’m sorry that you hate me,” I said, my voice so soft that I was completely shocked he could hear me. “But I promise you, that I have blamed myself for Evan’s death more than you ever could, so if your only reason for hating me is that you think I don’t feel guilty enough, you never knew me in the first place.”
I heard his name being called behind me as I sniffled, trying not to lose complete control of myself. Kris was silent, and when I glanced up at him I saw a flash of remorse cross his face, his hand lifting as if he was going to place it n my shoulder before he let it fall back to his side and the look of anger washed across his features once more. “I didn’t want to see you again. You being here has just ruined everything.”
“Wow, you’re just blaming me for everything now, aren’t you? You picked the therapist two blocks away from my house, but it’s my fault that I’m here?” I asked, shaking my head. The sadness had cried itself out of my system, and as I looked up at him once more I was overwhelmed with a sense of disgust and fury that I hadn’t felt boiling inside of me for a long time. “Go fuck yourself, Letang.”
I pushed past him, taking long strides towards the door, and not slowing down my pace at all as I hustled my way towards my car, getting and waiting until the car was started to bash my fists against the steering wheel and scream. I had to catch my breath afterwards, rubbing my hands against my face as I tried to calm myself down.
The only form of calmness I felt was the small glimpse of shock that had slapped itself across Kris’ face when I had snapped at him. That brief look of utter surprise, of actual hurt that he seemed to feel at my lashing out at him, even if only briefly, was enough to make the whole ordeal seem worth it. At least for a few moments.
She glanced up at me curiously. “On the piano, you played it?” She asked, watching as I nodded my head. “What is your song, may I ask that?”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat, staring down at my hands. “It’s a song called ‘Goodnight Noises Everywhere’, by a band called As Tall As Lions.”
She nodded. “Why was it your song?”
“We went and saw them in concert. It was supposed to be us and our other friend, but he couldn’t make it, so we sold the ticket to some kid on the street and went to the show alone,” I began, reaching a hand up to fix my hair. “They came out and played that song as an encore, and Evan and I, we both went to lean down and grab our stuff at the same time, intending on just leaving without listening to the song so we could beat the traffic out. I don’t really know what happened, but our heads clunked, and we started laughing, falling back into our seats. The two ladies next to us hushed us, because the song is pretty quiet when it first starts, and we both ended up getting lost in it. Evan and I…” I had to stop, realizing that my voice was breaking. I took a moment to breathe before clearing my throat and trying again. “Evan and I had never ever even discussed being anything more then friends. It never even crossed my mind. But, when the song was over, I realized that he had reached over and put his hand on top of my mine. I still don’t know if he did knowingly or if it just kind of happened, we were both so entranced with the song, but everything about our relationship changed in that moment. Dan Nigro, the singer of the band, his voice has this captivating quality to it, and we were both completely lost in the texture of it, but when I seemed to realize that Evan’s hand was on mine, it was like he was snapped out of his trance then. He turned to look at me, and he didn’t say anything, but he lifted his hand off of mine and turned back to look at the stage.”
I bit my lip, glancing up at Dr. Bailey quickly to see how she was reacting to the story. Her face was almost void of emotion at the moment, except for a small furrow in her brow. I thought she was bored of my story telling, but when I took an extra second to examine her, I realized that she was trying to hold back her own emotions. I licked my lips and continued the story. “He didn’t say anything after the concert about the whole hand thing. In fact, he barely spoke at all, the whole drive back home. He had to help me carry in all of my stuff, because I had gone shopping before the concert and bought way too much crap, and as he was heading out of my house, and I was waiting to lock the door, he stopped, and he turned around to look at me for a minute. He had this look that I had never seen on his face before, and I thought he was mad at me for a second because he looked so intense, but then, he let out this soft sigh, which was Evan’s trademark, I swear, and he said, ‘You’re beautiful Kaitln. You’re infuriatingly beautiful.’ And then he picked up my hand and kissed the back of it, and he left.”
Dr. Bailey was silent for a moment, and when I lifted my eyes to glance up at her again, I was surprised to see a glossy look in her eyes. She cleared her throat, adjusting herself in her seat. “So, that song, it was sort of like the first step in you and Evan becoming a couple?”
“Kind of. It took another week before we actually decided to give dating a shot, but it was that night that I actually thought of him as something other than Evan, the guy I got partnered with in ninth grade French. I just kept thinking about that moment where his hand was on top of mine, and the music was playing, and after a couple of days of thinking about it, I realized that what made that moment so odd to me was how much I wished he had done that sooner. I guess it was the first time I stopped and realized that Evan was… Evan was what I wanted.” I let out a sigh, my eyes already watered over. “I thought he was going to be the one but…” I didn’t finish the sentence, my voice cracking.
Dr. Bailey let out a loud breath of air before apologizing. “I’m sorry, Katy, but it appears that our time is up for this session. I feel like we made great progress though,” she told me, walking me towards the door. “I know we only have a few sessions left, but I feel like this one was the real landmark of progress. It’s taken quite some time, but you’re ability to discuss Evan without a bitterness towards his passing, it’s a remarkable thing, Katy.”
I smiled, wiping my eyes. “Thank you. I’ll see you next week,” I told her, placing my purse strap on my shoulder and heading out of her office.
Kris was there again, sitting in the same spot. He saw me immediately, his eyes taking on the look of anger that they held last time I had seen him. Dr. Bailey was talking to her receptionist, and for whatever reason, the waiting room was almost empty. There was only one other man there, and he was asleep in the chair with his headphones in his ears, a Readers Digest Magazine open on his lap.
I shut my eyes and took in a deep breath of air before walking across the room and stopping in front of Kris, trying not to be intimidated by the look he sent me. “Can we talk?”
He moved his gaze away from me. “I have nothing to say to you.”
I rubbed my forehead, glancing back at Dr. Bailey, relieved to find her still pre-occupied. “We have to talk at some point, Kris. It’s not fair of you to just hold something against me without ever allowing me the courtesy of knowing what it is I did.”
He snorted, still not meeting my gaze. “Wow, you’ve been coming here a while, eh?”
I let out a quiet sigh. “You being here clearly means that you want to change things. Why can’t you at least talk to me? If you still hate me afterwards, that’s fine, but can’t you at least sit down and talk to me once?”
Kris stood up, looking down at me. “I am here because I finally have enough time off to try and deal with the fact that my best friend is dead. I didn’t come here because I missed you. But, of course you assume that. Because everyone’s life must revolve around you, right Katy?”
I shook my head, taken aback by his tone. “I didn’t mean that at all, I just don’t there to be such a rift between us anymore.”
“You caused the rift. You put yourself first, and you put everything else second. Evan wouldn’t have even been in the car if you hadn’t told him to come see you. He would have been sitting in the basement with me, playing video games, and he’d still be here.” Kris said, his voice dangerously low. “If you had never called him and told him to come see you, he wouldn’t have wanted to leave and I wouldn’t have said-” he stopped, his jaw clenching as he looked away from me again. I could see the way his eyes had filled up with tears, and how desperately he was trying to blink them back. He looked back at me, one of the tears spilling over. “He’s dead because you couldn’t go one day without seeing him. I lost my best friend because you needed him to come tell you how pretty you were.”
I made no effort to fight the emotions that had taken over my face, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks and rest on the bottom of my chin for a moment before falling onto my shirt. “I didn’t ask him to come see me. I just asked him where he was.”
“You knew that he would leave wherever he was to come see you!” Kris said, his voice raising. “And as soon as everyone finds out that he’s gone, they all want to know how you are. Not me, the guy who was his best friend for years, just you. It was always about you.” He shook his head, tugging his hat off and shaking his hair out. “Everything was always about you.”
I wiped my face, trying to find my voice. “I’m sorry that you hate me,” I said, my voice so soft that I was completely shocked he could hear me. “But I promise you, that I have blamed myself for Evan’s death more than you ever could, so if your only reason for hating me is that you think I don’t feel guilty enough, you never knew me in the first place.”
I heard his name being called behind me as I sniffled, trying not to lose complete control of myself. Kris was silent, and when I glanced up at him I saw a flash of remorse cross his face, his hand lifting as if he was going to place it n my shoulder before he let it fall back to his side and the look of anger washed across his features once more. “I didn’t want to see you again. You being here has just ruined everything.”
“Wow, you’re just blaming me for everything now, aren’t you? You picked the therapist two blocks away from my house, but it’s my fault that I’m here?” I asked, shaking my head. The sadness had cried itself out of my system, and as I looked up at him once more I was overwhelmed with a sense of disgust and fury that I hadn’t felt boiling inside of me for a long time. “Go fuck yourself, Letang.”
I pushed past him, taking long strides towards the door, and not slowing down my pace at all as I hustled my way towards my car, getting and waiting until the car was started to bash my fists against the steering wheel and scream. I had to catch my breath afterwards, rubbing my hands against my face as I tried to calm myself down.
The only form of calmness I felt was the small glimpse of shock that had slapped itself across Kris’ face when I had snapped at him. That brief look of utter surprise, of actual hurt that he seemed to feel at my lashing out at him, even if only briefly, was enough to make the whole ordeal seem worth it. At least for a few moments.
I Love this story!
4/7/14