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Therapy

Bombs Dropping

I had no response. There was no form of a reply in my mind as I sat there, almost numb with rage as I repeated the confession over and over in my mind. Eventually I managed to ask, “What?”

Kris was still staring at me, the tears back in his eyes, but he didn’t acknowledge them. “I was just so angry, and the only thing that would ever hurt Evan was bringing you up. I just wanted him to feel as unwanted as I did.”

“Unwanted?” I nearly spat the words out at him, feeling my face heat up with the anger pumping through me. “You felt unwanted? I hadn’t seen my boyfriend in two weeks, and he was with you, but you felt unwanted? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I hadn’t seen my best friend in months, and as soon as you call and say you miss him, he leaves,” Kris answered, his voice soft. “Of course I felt unwanted.”

“Oh, well then that makes up for telling my boyfriend that he didn’t deserve me and I was probably going to break up with him,” I shot back, standing up from the couch. “I can’t believe you’ve been blaming me for his death this whole time, when you were so selfish that you told him that!”

The comment seemed to awaken the side of Kris that I had encountered at the counselling centre, as he shot up from the couch, the fatigue and weariness that had been sinking into his face seemed to melt away as his eyes lit up with an anger that made me feel as if I were only a foot tall. “I play on a team where I am unnoticed,” he began, the softness of his voice gone. “It doesn’t matter how well I play, or how hard I work, the cameras will always been on Sid, or Staal, or Geno. I live by myself, in a house too big for one person, where all of my friends can’t visit because they live in Quebec, or they’re in school. The only person who was still around was Evan, and he didn’t even have time to talk to me anymore. You girls,” he stopped, letting out a humourless laugh before continuing, “you girls always complain when a friend has a boyfriend that she picks over you. Men feel the same way. I have nothing, Katy. I only had one true friend, and he didn’t care. He only cared about you.”

“Evan was a good person,” I reminded him, surprised when I heard the waver in my voice. “You were his best friend, too. You seem to just overlook that fact.”

Kris ran a hand through his hair, giving his head a soft shake. “No I wasn’t. You were his best friend. You were his everything, and I can understand that, because you’re beautiful, and you’re smart, and you were so good to him. But I hated you,” he confessed, no longer meeting my eyes. “I hated you because I was losing the only piece of home I had to you.”

I shook my head. “I can’t be here anymore,” I decided, turning and trying to make my way back towards the front door, pausing just as I was about to leave so I could glance back at him with a sigh. “It’s not your fault that he’s dead, Kris,” I said, seeming to catch him off guard, “but that doesn’t make any of this better.”

“Katy-” he began, taking a step forward but stopping when I shook my head at him. He obliged, watching with a mix of confusion and sadness as I left.

------------------------------

“You don’t seem surprised,” I commented as I looked over at Sara after re-telling the days events to her.

Sara gave a small shrug, “Well, I mean, I kind of figured something like that must have happened. Kris was always pretty hot or cold when it came to you. He was either all for you tagging along, or losing his mind that you were there.”

“I didn’t know guys got like that.” I admitted.

“Are you kidding? Katy, guys will whine to each other about how some mutual friend is always bringing his girlfriend, or ditching their plans to be with their girlfriend. Kris is in the NHL and hardly saw Evan anyways, and Evan was always away on road trips with the AHL. They never saw each other, and when they were both back in town, Evan was with you. Of course Kris sort of hated you.” She paused, frowning a bit, “Or still hates you. Whatever.”

I groaned, sitting down next to her on the couch. “Things were starting to get better, you know? I felt like, maybe I could start to move forward again, start waking up without crying. Then Kris just has to waltz into my clinic and yell at me.”

“How selfish of him, trying to get help for his own emotional issues at the same place as you,” Sara scolded, earning an unimpressed glance from me. “Come on, Katy. You chose to stay in Pittsburgh, and you picked the best counselling centre out here. Where else was he supposed to go? Besides, he didn’t know you were going there, anyways.”

“I picked the clinic closest to me, which also happened to be the best one. And why can’t you ever let me be melodramatic?” I whined, fake pushing her.

“Because you can’t get better if you’re melodramatic,” she reminded me, smirking as I sighed. “You’re welcome.”

I leaned my head back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “I should be on TV.”

“You should. They could just take your life, as is, and get people to rein-act it. Prime time TV right there, girl!” She grinned at me, rubbing her face tiredly as she glanced back at the microwave clock. “I have to be up for class at six tomorrow, so, I bid you goodnight, miss Kaitlin.” I smiled, waving at her as she made her way to her room.

I was lost in my thoughts, the silence of the apartment encouraging the trance, when there was a knock at the door. I almost ignored it, part of me worried that Kris had driven over to try and talk again, but I forced myself off of the couch, walking over to the door and peering through the peephole, tugging the door open as soon as I saw that it was Travis.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, letting him into the apartment.

He grinned, wiping his feet off so he could keep his shoes on, a habit Evan had also had. “I wanted to see how everything with Letang went today. Did he make you cry?”

I almost laughed, leading him into the living room. “No. Well, I cried a little, but more so because we were talking about Evan,” I admitted, sitting down on the couch. “I don’t do that very often. It’s still too hard.”

Travis nodded, sitting at the other end of the couch. “Mom can’t handle it either. My dad, I don’t know how he survives. She can’t even handle hearing his name, and my dad just wants to talk about it all. I’m kind of the only person he has to talk to, and I’m not even sure that I can handle it.” He let out a big sigh, ruffling his hair a bit before shooting me a crooked smile. “But, he told you everything?”

“You already knew all of this?” I asked, genuinely surprised.

“Of course I did. Kris talks to me all the time, and the rest of the family. No matter what their friendship was towards the very end, he and Evan were buds for a long time. It got hard when Kris got called up into the NHL and Ev was still on the farm team, but they were best friends. I think talking to all of us is how he copes, you know?” He asked, letting out a long sigh before smiling again. “I’m glad you know, though. I think it explains a lot about why Kris was so hostile towards you for awhile, and why he and Kris were at odds off and on for the last couple of years.”

I grabbed a chunk of my hair, smoothing out the tangles in it. “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know why he waited over a year after Evan’s death to tell me. I’d rather have known right off the bat, or at least within the first few months.”

Travis laughed, “Like you could have handled that. Your boyfriend had just been killed, the last thing you’d want to hear is everything he told you today.”

I frowned. “I don’t think that’s true at all. I think I would have had some peace and not blamed myself so much. Plus, he couldn’t have blamed me for the whole thing like he did up until two weeks ago.”

Travis looked utterly confused, scratching the back of his head. “How would him telling you he was in love with you make you more at peace?”

I felt the colour drain from my face, shaking my head and assuming that I had misheard him. “What?”

Travis opened his mouth, then seemed to realize his mistake and gasped, covering his mouth. “Oh my God, he didn’t tell you that.”

“He’s…what? But he’s been horrible to me for the last couple of years,” I almost yelled. “Ever since Evan and I-” I stopped, realization surfacing at the front of my brain.

“Ever since you and Evan started dating,” Travis finished, nodding his head. “I’m so sorry, Katy. He told me he was going to tell you all of this today, I thought you knew.”

I felt light-headed, falling back into the couch and sitting limply as the words ran through my head a few more times.

Travis cleared his throat. “Maybe I should go and let you absorb the bomb that I just dropped on you,” he said, getting up and walking over to pat my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Katy. I thought you knew.”

I couldn’t respond, the shock seeming to disable my ability to think. I watched Travis let himself out of the apartment, sitting there for who knows how long before I sat up and yelled “What the fuck!” and threw myself back onto the couch.

Notes

Reposting this on here reminded me that my beloved Jordan Staal is no longer a Penguin, and now I am sad.

Comments

I Love this story!

Psquared91 Psquared91
4/7/14
Amazing ending!
katiexlee katiexlee
1/5/13

AMAZING!

Savannah17 Savannah17
1/4/13
This was a great story!
Dallas. Dallas.
1/4/13
I loved this update!
katiexlee katiexlee
12/29/12