I looked down at the ring on my finger. It sparkled brilliantly in the early morning sun. I sat on the bench in the backyard deep in thought. I heard the back door open and close behind me and a few seconds later Marc was sitting next to me.

“You okay out here babe?” he asked, concern showing in his deep brown eyes.

“Yeah, I’m alright. I’m just thinking.” I answered. The air was cold and you could see our breath. He wasn’t wearing a jacket and looked like he just rolled out of bed. His hair was pushed up on one side from where his head rested on the pillow, and his beard was starting to come in. “Where’s your jacket? You’re gonna freeze out here!”

“I’m not cold. I’m just worried about you.” He said with his arms crossed tightly. “You’ve been really quiet lately.”

“I just have a lot on my mind. I’m okay though.” I reassured him.

“Wanna go inside? It’s warmer in there.” He said getting up from the bench and holding his hand out to help me up. I took his hand and he pulled me up and led me back into the house.

“Are we ok, Steph?” he asked when we got into the house.

“I don’t know Marc-Andre.” I answered hesitantly. I covered my face with my hands as I felt tears forming.

“Hey, don’t cry, please?” he said moving my hands from my face and pulling me into a hug.

“Can we talk about it?” I shook my head 'no' into his chest. I didn’t want to talk about anything. I didn’t want to face reality, but I knew we had to. “Come on, I’m leaving for a long road trip in a few days. I don’t want to leave you like this.” He said lifting my chin up. “Please?”

I finally agreed and we sat down at the kitchen table.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I don’t know what it is, Marc-Andre. I just don’t feel like we’re the same anymore.” I admitted. I felt a little relieved getting it off of my chest.

“What do you mean?” he asked looking down at his hands in front of him on the table.

“I just feel like we never get to spend time together. Like we’re growing apart.” I said. I felt a little selfish saying that out loud, but I needed to say it.

“You know I try to be with you every chance I get.” He said as he ran his hands through his hair.

“I know…”

“I know it’s hard with me being on the road a lot during the season. But I love you, you know that right?”

“Yeah…” I said. I still had an unsettled feeling, but I felt a little better.

Marc-Andre stood up and kissed me on the forehead. “Wanna go out to breakfast?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” I said with a smile.

We decided to go to our favorite café down the street. It was a small, cozy, mom and pop kind of place.

“Are you gonna be okay when I leave for this road trip tomorrow?” he asked as we finished our drink order.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I think I really just needed to talk about it.”

“Ok good. I don’t want you to feel like that when I can’t be here with you.” He said. Marc was the kind of person who had to make sure everyone was okay. He was always looking out for everybody before looking out for himself, which is probably why he was the Captain of his team. He took it in stride on and off the ice.

The next day and a half went by in a blur. It always seemed that way when we finally had time to do stuff together. That feeling always came creeping back and I hated it. I stood in the doorway of the bedroom watching him pack everything he needed. Sweats, t-shirts, suits. The Monarchs were going on a three game road trip and he would be gone for a week.

“I hate when you leave, especially on long trips like this.” I said taking a step in to the room.

“I hate leaving you.” He said wrapping his arms around me. “You sure you’re gonna be okay?”

“Yeah.” I said leaning into his hug. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be, but I didn’t want him to worry about it when he had to focus on playing.

“Wish me luck?” he asked smiling.

“Only the best.” I said giving him a kiss.

“I love you, babe. I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you too. Call me when you land?”

“It might be late, but I will.” He said, giving me another kiss before heading out the door.

I was trying as best I could to keep my composure in front of him, but I couldn’t hold out any longer. As I watched the car back out down the driveway, tears started streaming down my face. I loved him more than anything and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, but I had to leave. I had to get away and clear my mind. I threw everything I could fit into the luggage I had and put it in my car. I came back into the house for one last thing. I left a note on his nightstand and then drove to my mom’s. The whole drive was a blur. I cried more than I ever had in my life. I couldn’t help but think I was just going to cause Marc-Andre pain when he got home to an empty house, but I felt like I was holding him back from his career. I wanted him to succeed, but I also wanted him to be with me. I needed him because he helped fill the void of my insecurities. I was being selfish and he didn’t deserve that.

When I got to my mom’s, she was out on the front porch waiting for me.

“Oh honey, what happened?” She asked coming down to meet me at my car.

“I just…I just needed time…and space. I-“ I gasped in mid-sentence. I couldn’t form my thoughts to talk. I felt distraught. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” I let out and broke down in front of my mom.

“Come inside, we’ll talk about it when you’re ready.” She put her arms around me to help me into the house.

When we got in, she had a cup of hot chocolate waiting for me. I called her a few hours early to let her know I was coming, and hot chocolate is always what she made me when I needed comfort.

“Mom?” I asked, finally able to talk.

“What is it sweetie?”

“I don’t know what to do.” I looked into the bottom of my cup and swished around the remaining liquid.

“Well, what’s going on with you guys?”

“I don’t know. It’s me. I want too much from him, and he can only give me so much.”

“What is he doing right now? Is he home?” She asked.

“No, he left today for a road trip. He doesn’t know I’m gone. I just…I feel like we grew apart.”

“Did you talk to him about this?”

“Yeah, we talked yesterday and I felt a little better about things. But just today all those feelings came rushing back when he was getting ready to leave and I didn’t know what else to do. He deserves so much more and I’m being selfish.”

“Honey, I don’t think you realize how much you mean to him.”

“I just…” I buried my head down on the table in my arms and sobbed. “I need time.”

“Well just make sure you remember one thing,” she said standing up. “He loves you and he cares about you more than anything. I can see that written all over him.”

-----

When I got home, the house was dark. I figured Stephanni was asleep, but it was still early. I put my stuff in the laundry room and went to the bedroom.

“Babe?” I called out as I walked in. It was dark and she wasn’t there. I didn’t remember if I saw her car in the driveway, so I looked out the window and saw it was gone. I pulled out my phone to call her and noticed the room looked different. Something was off. As I was about to hit send I saw a note on my nightstand.

“Dear Marc-Andre,

I’m only doing this because I don’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to worry you before your road trip, and I don’t ever want to hurt you. I know this won’t be easy and it hurts me to do it this way. I feel like I’m holding you back from so much in your life with your career and dreams. I don’t know when I became that girl that needed you and depended on you so much. You deserve so much better than that.

I just want you to be happy and I’m sorry for being so selfish. You’re a good person with a huge heart, and I love you so much. Please don’t ever change.

Love always and forever,

Stephanni”

I looked back down at where I picked the note up from and saw that she left her engagement ring. I felt every emotion coursing through my body. Anger took the best of me and I crumpled the note and threw it across the room with the ring following close behind. I ripped everything off of the nightstand and flung it across the room. I collapsed into a heap at the side of the bed and broke down into tears. I didn’t know if I should call her or let her have space. I was sure everything was okay when I left, but I had a feeling things were still off. I couldn’t do much about it though since I had to leave.

I didn’t sleep much that night, and decided I’d call Stephanni in the morning.

“Hello?” the voice said on the other end. It was her mom. I felt relieved knowing that she was someplace safe.

“Is Stephanni there?” I asked.

“Oh Marc-Andre. Are you okay?” she asked.

“Not really. Is she okay?”

“Well…”

“Please just tell me, I just need to talk to her or hear that she’s there.”

“She’s a mess, Marc. I know she thought this was for the best, but I know it’s not, and I think she realizes it. I’ll go get her for you.”

“Thank you.” I said. I hoped that she would come back. That maybe it was just some space and time to think that she needed.

“Hello?” I heard her voice a minute later. Her voice sounded tired, like she hadn’t slept much.

“Steph…are you okay?”

“You know that’s what’s so good about you Marc-Andre? I do the worst possible thing to you, and you are still worried about me.”

“Look, I know you need space. But I just had to talk to you. I needed to hear it from you.”

“I came here not thinking straight. I thought a lot, and I made a huge mistake. I realized how much it hurts me to be without you, and what I did was just me being stupid. I didn’t want to hurt you.” She sobbed into the phone.

“Babe, you mean so much to me. If I could spend every minute with you, I would. I asked you to marry me because I wanted to wake up with you every day. I wanted you to be the last thing I saw before I go to bed every night, and the first thing I wake up to. If I didn’t have you, I would have nothing.”

She didn’t say anything for almost a full minute, and I could tell she was trying to compose herself. She never liked to show her emotions, but I found a way to get her to open up. “I’m so sorry Marc-Andre. I don’t even know how you can forgive me.”

“Just please come home? I just want to be with you.”

“I’ll be home soon. And when I said don’t ever change? I really mean it. You have such a big heart and that’s what makes me love you so much.”