Dear Patrick
Letter Forty-Four (Cont.)
And then I found myself in the hospital. Confused, lost, worried. I don't know. I didn't know. I remember thinking, "How the hell am I supposed to go on if Pat dies?" Then I'd start to think, "Not like I've been talking to him anyway." And then my brain would reminisce the look on your face when you were unconscious and there wouldn't be a place on my body without a goose-bump.
When I finally snapped out of the depressing thoughts, I looked at the shirt I'd soaked with tears. It was a Nike sweater, well half of one, and around me was a white Abercrombie and Fitch sweater- his. Well it wasn't white anymore. It was all red and kind of brown and a black and dirty. "All that blood couldn't have come from Pat, he wasn't bleeding that much," I told myself. So I looked up at Derek and I saw blood coming from his face- not a lot but enough. And then my eyes caught the bright red flow from his forearm and reverted there.
I felt instantly guilty. I sat crying for five minutes and didn't think to look or ask about Derek. So I did him and me a favor and I got off him and I took his sweater and I promised him I'd get it cleaned. All he did was laugh and say that there was a lot more where it came from. After I told him to get fixed up, I left. I got in my car and I drove and I drove and I kept driving and for some reason, I landed at the house you offered me to live in with you. I don't even remember going there or typing in the passcode to get into your neighborhood. I went down and I unlocked the door with all the letters and I read them all and I cried. And I cried more.
And when I was finished crying, I picked my sorry ass up and I washed my face and I borrowed one of your sweaters by the way, the one on the floor by the dining table, and I got back in my car. I picked up some food for you and me. I got you spaghetti because I remembered how much you loved it. Only five minutes away from the hospital, I realized something. I'd forgotten to get Derek food. And then I remembered you were unconscious and in a coma. So I convinced myself that I'd known that all along and that I had gotten the spaghetti for Derek, even though he unintentionally slurped like a cow.
So we sat in the waiting room and we ate and we waited. And Derek would slurp loud and I would cry softly. And when he heard me cry he would stop slurping and comfort me and then after I calmed down, he'd go back to slurping. And then he complimented me and I burst out crying I remember. And then I started laughing at how I was crying. And I was just a mess. But he didn't think that, I remember. He didn't think I was a mess, he said he'd never seen anything as pretty as me. Which is a dumb thing to say to a girl who'd been crying for two hours and whose hair was wrecked by the rain and whose clothes were a combination of bloody, muddy, and dirty. But then I felt like it was a compliment.
Because in that wreck and in all that chaos and havoc, he saw me as pretty I guess. And with a runny nose and cracked voice and flowing eyes, he saw me as pretty I guess. And when he laughed at how dumb I looked, he apologized but he kept laughing. I remember how adorable I thought it was but then I remember remembering you and shoving away the thought because I thought it was dirty.
But two weeks pass and me and you are back in your apartment and there's problems again. And Derek's off doing so much better with his team in Chicago. And I missed him so much and you knew I did and I know you knew I did and Derek knew I did and knew you knew he did. And we all knew I missed him and we all knew no matter what, there wasn't an easy way out.
Then I found one that day you cheated- February 14. I thought, "Oh how perfect, then. He's made the decision so much easier for me. Cheating? Then I guess Derek really was the guy I should have left the hospital with."
But that wasn't the case either because no matter what I do, I just can't seem to fucking let go of you, Pat. And it KILLS me to be so weak, so vulnerable. It kills me to not be able to say no to you. Because me and Derek could've been happy, I thought. So I left and I went to Derek.
"Because if he could fix me this time like he almost did last time," I thought, "then he is without a doubt, perfect for me."
When I finally snapped out of the depressing thoughts, I looked at the shirt I'd soaked with tears. It was a Nike sweater, well half of one, and around me was a white Abercrombie and Fitch sweater- his. Well it wasn't white anymore. It was all red and kind of brown and a black and dirty. "All that blood couldn't have come from Pat, he wasn't bleeding that much," I told myself. So I looked up at Derek and I saw blood coming from his face- not a lot but enough. And then my eyes caught the bright red flow from his forearm and reverted there.
I felt instantly guilty. I sat crying for five minutes and didn't think to look or ask about Derek. So I did him and me a favor and I got off him and I took his sweater and I promised him I'd get it cleaned. All he did was laugh and say that there was a lot more where it came from. After I told him to get fixed up, I left. I got in my car and I drove and I drove and I kept driving and for some reason, I landed at the house you offered me to live in with you. I don't even remember going there or typing in the passcode to get into your neighborhood. I went down and I unlocked the door with all the letters and I read them all and I cried. And I cried more.
And when I was finished crying, I picked my sorry ass up and I washed my face and I borrowed one of your sweaters by the way, the one on the floor by the dining table, and I got back in my car. I picked up some food for you and me. I got you spaghetti because I remembered how much you loved it. Only five minutes away from the hospital, I realized something. I'd forgotten to get Derek food. And then I remembered you were unconscious and in a coma. So I convinced myself that I'd known that all along and that I had gotten the spaghetti for Derek, even though he unintentionally slurped like a cow.
So we sat in the waiting room and we ate and we waited. And Derek would slurp loud and I would cry softly. And when he heard me cry he would stop slurping and comfort me and then after I calmed down, he'd go back to slurping. And then he complimented me and I burst out crying I remember. And then I started laughing at how I was crying. And I was just a mess. But he didn't think that, I remember. He didn't think I was a mess, he said he'd never seen anything as pretty as me. Which is a dumb thing to say to a girl who'd been crying for two hours and whose hair was wrecked by the rain and whose clothes were a combination of bloody, muddy, and dirty. But then I felt like it was a compliment.
Because in that wreck and in all that chaos and havoc, he saw me as pretty I guess. And with a runny nose and cracked voice and flowing eyes, he saw me as pretty I guess. And when he laughed at how dumb I looked, he apologized but he kept laughing. I remember how adorable I thought it was but then I remember remembering you and shoving away the thought because I thought it was dirty.
But two weeks pass and me and you are back in your apartment and there's problems again. And Derek's off doing so much better with his team in Chicago. And I missed him so much and you knew I did and I know you knew I did and Derek knew I did and knew you knew he did. And we all knew I missed him and we all knew no matter what, there wasn't an easy way out.
Then I found one that day you cheated- February 14. I thought, "Oh how perfect, then. He's made the decision so much easier for me. Cheating? Then I guess Derek really was the guy I should have left the hospital with."
But that wasn't the case either because no matter what I do, I just can't seem to fucking let go of you, Pat. And it KILLS me to be so weak, so vulnerable. It kills me to not be able to say no to you. Because me and Derek could've been happy, I thought. So I left and I went to Derek.
"Because if he could fix me this time like he almost did last time," I thought, "then he is without a doubt, perfect for me."
Thank you guys so much!! Let me know what you think of the newest chapters!
@becca
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@tayylor87
2/12/15