July 1, 2014


I paced back and forth with two arms around her, cradling her. I was careful not to breathe to heavily- I didn't want to scare her. It must be scary for her to come back from what she went through. I can't wait to hear her laugh or scream or say my name.

"What's your name?"

I laughed. She was always sarcastic.

"Lana, don't you think it's a little too early to be joking around?" Toews said in between laughs from next to the armrest.

She looked at him. If looks could kill...

My heart dropped. I flatlined. There's no way in hell. I forgot my subtleness and jerked her shoulders around to face me. She winced. I felt instantly guilty but I didn't have time to think of that.

"Do you remember me?" I didn't ask, I begged.

She stared at me. "What's your name?"

And in that moment, I broke. I broke completely. She cut the thread that was keeping me and my insides all sewed up. She stopped me. All of me. Inside and out.

I wanted to cry but I laughed. "Lana, stop fucking around."

She stared at me. "Look, guy, tell me your fucking name so I can see if I remember you or not or I'm leaving."

Did she just threaten me?
She threatened me.

I acted like a kid. I should've been adult about it, all. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault she couldn't remember. Short-term memory loss, for sure. But even through all the rationale and the reasoning, I couldn't stop myself from getting mad.

"Oh yeah? Well where the hell do you plan on going? You can't even walk straight, Lana."

Toews glared at me. The whole room did. Seabrook, who was engaging deeply in the Cubs' game turned and stared. He gave me this look. A what-the-fucks-your-problem-even-I-wouldn't-do-that kind of look. I flicked him off.

Lana set her eyes deadlock with mine.

"You're right. I probably can't. But fuck you anyway." And she pushed herself off me. And she started for the door. I didn't budge. I didn't move. I didn't even flinch. Where the hell was all this stupid pride coming from? I starved myself a week prior when I thought I'd lost her. But before she could limp up the steps from the living room, Julia took hold of her arm. She whispered something to her. Something I think only a girl would hear from another girl because nobody else understood what the hell she said. Together, they walked up the steps. Before she closed the door, Julia turned to me and said, "Fuck you," and turned to Toews and said, "I'll see you soon, babe."

After the door closed, I felt the heat of 30 eyes all radiating toward me. I looked up and each one of the guys in the room and shrugged. Fuck you all then.

I was so pissed. The rage was filling in me to the brim. I was one word short an explosion. I needed to let it out. So I went to the tree and I kicked it down. With it went all the tinsel attached to its pines from the walls. But that wasn't enough. I didn't feel done so I kicked a present. And then I saw the special surprise present I'd gotten for her inside the biggest box by the tree. It was covered (albeit horribly) in bright red wrapping paper. I ran out of tape because I'd "saved the best for last" and used stamps to hold the rest of it together. It looked terrible but what was inside was so much better. And I remember how excited I was when I wrapped it because I knew how happy she would be when she saw it. I knew. But in that moment of rage, happiness only multiplied the anger. So I picked up the box and set it on the couch behind me. And then I kicked the first box again.

"Fuck Christmas," I spit.

Seabrook got up and tried to salvage what was left of the box. I headed back towards the couch where I'd been with the love of my life only five minutes before. I sat plump. And I looked at my shoes. I didn't want to fucking be here.

I got up to leave. I don't know where I thought I was going but I had to escape the stares. I felt like they were looking right through me. Toews got pissed and pushed me- hard- back on to the couch.

He yelled so loud that his voice cracked the whole time.

"You know Kaner, what I fail to understand is how and why you fucking let her go every fucking time you get her back," he sounded like a bear, "You're so fucking stupid. Appreciate when you have her, don't wait until she's alive and conscious and then push her away you fucking dick. If you lift your sorry ass off this couch, it better be to go after her. Julia texted me saying they're just going to sit on the patio for an hour. If you lift your sorry ass off this couch and don't go after her, I swear on Julia's life I'm going to fucking coming after you."

There was nothing left to say so I walked out.

I fucking hate when he's right.

Walking down the stairs to the kitchen was an unbelievably huge hassle. When I did finally reach the bottom stop, I heard the sounds of someone's muffled breaths, like they were struggling to breathe.

I froze.

My memory flashed me back to the night we found Lana: the way she was, her condition, her body. I couldn't handle turning and seeing her so desperate for her life again. But I had to. And when I finally turned, I saw Julia.

Notes

Patrick's perspective my home boyss