Dear Patrick

I backed Lana to the stairs, ushering her with my fingers but she stood firmly. She had lost all fear. There was no more insecurity in her. It was beautiful yet frightening. Her confidence is what got her taken in the first place. I watched a pair of tan Timberlands land on the ground. The truck rested on two pairs of enlarged rims, much taller than the man driving. He closed the passenger door. The automatic porch light had turned off, so I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was the silhouette of a tall, sort-of slim man.

20 minutes later, he was in my house.

He sat across from me and Lana.
All three of us sat on the dining table.



It was Tazer.

Lana smiled nervously at his entrance, he laughed almost apologetically at her jokes, although all that had happened was not at all his fault. There was a sense of insecure awkwardness in the air, a unhedged tension, but we all tried ignoring it. In a desperate attempt to re-break the ice, I got up and brought some snacks. When I returned, Lana was staring into space. Toews was fidgeting with his fingers, eyes nailed to the tiles. They were both reminiscing the scene. The day Tazer's psychotic (and now dead) girlfriend almost killed Lana.

It got me angry, though.

"Guys," I said. They broke their thoughts and peered up at me. "That's enough of that. It was all in the past. Let's just be like we were before."

Toews wanted to protest, I could tell in his eyes that he wanted to apologize and continue apologizing but Lana shook her head. "I agree. Come here, Jonny." She got up to give him a hug. The biggest smile crept its way upon his face.

That was my Lana for you. Always making people happy.

***

"So how was Switzerland?" Toews said after putting a fork full of salad in his mouth.
"Norway was beautiful." Lana told him.
I smiled and Toews chuckled.
"You could've sent me a postcard."
She grinned. "I was just a tiny bit busy." She added sarcastically.
"You're good, right?" Tazer asked. He was full of care and concern. Everyone in the world needed a guy like Tazer.
She nodded, slowly, almost like she was convincing herself before she was convincing us. "Yeah, you know what, I think I really am."
"I can drink to that." I interrupted.
"You can drink to everything." Lana smiled.
We all broke out into a relaxed laughter, a fun one.

Somewhere in the happiness, I stepped back mentally. I took it all in. The smiles, the happiness, the comfort. It was genuine, raw, pure. I absorbed it. I knew it wouldn't last long. It never did for me and Lana. But that was fine. Because I'd remember this.

"Kaner, what the fuck are you doing?" Toews threw a crouton at me.

I opened my eyes to realize I'd been closing my eyes and breathing in and out heavily, like I was in yoga.
Lana laughed hard. Jon joined quickly.

That night was what it had to be. Reassuring, comforting, beloved. I was grateful for it. I really was.

***

Long straight strands of brown hair were scattered all over my bare chest. She was lying on me, in complete serenity. The room was dark. The TV was off. The curtains were drawn. It was me, her, and the black around us. I felt her heartbeat, and every hot breath she took on my shoulders . She was beautiful in every meaning of the word.

"I don't want to hurt you." She mumbled. I thought she was sleep-talking but she lifted her head and through the darkness, looked at me. "I don't want to hurt you which is why I'm telling you this now, now later."

I waited.

"I slept with a guy in Norway. I was drunk and confused and lonely and he was just the same."

I paused. I think I was waiting for her to laugh, to crack up at her own prank. Lana didn't just have sex with anyone. She knew she didn't. This guy must have meant something to her.

"Did you love him?" I whispered. I was afraid of her answer.

There were two answers to the question. I'm not sure which I feared more. If she said yes, that means she fell in love with someone besides me. If she said no, that means she slept with someone she didn't love.

"Love is a big word." She answered. "We were the same for those moments. Our spirit was desperate for consolation, and we took advantage of its lusts. But that's all it was. I can't say I didn't love him at one point. Sometimes we'd connect, like whole-heartedly. But that was so few and so far in between. It was like this."

"Like what?"

"Like me and you. When I realized that, I realized it was time to go home."

I didn't want to dwell on the subject becausee I didn't want it to hurt. "And you didn't even bring me a souvenir."

I felt her smile. She kissed me softly on the neck and rested her head back on my chest. "Oh I brought you something."

Up went the penis. But I didn't want sex. I wanted her to stay where she was and stay there for a while.

"Yeah, you brought the ugliest shoes I've ever seen in my entire life."

She air-punched me. "I'll kick your ass if you keep picking on my shoes."

Notes

If you guys are still reading, please leave a comment of some sort. It really does keep me motivated to write. I appreciate it