Dear Patrick

A wise man once said that happiness hid in small place.
I don't who the fuck he was but he sure was wrong.

I stared at the skyline of Chicago from atop the roof of my loft. It was beautiful- absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. But I'd never appreciated it before I think. I sat down. I had this sudden urge to jump, but I didn't of course. When bad shit happens, you deal with it.

Had Lana told me that she slept with my best friend any day besides today, I probably would have left her, beat the fuck out of Toews, has sex with a handful of girls (probably all at the same time), and called it a day. But she told me today. It was a weird way of saying it, too. I knew she had been holding something in, I could tell in her eyes. Not because I knew her so well, but just because her eyes said everything. Literally everything. And I knew it had to do with Toews because the awkwardness and the tension between them couldn't have been just because of Tazer's ex. They were both bigger than that. I smelled something fishy but I didn't want to investigate. Sometimes it just hurts to know.

But I do know now and it means no less to me than it would have a couple months ago. But I won't do anything about it- partly because I completely deserved it and partly because one of them was my best friend and the other was my love and partly because everyone makes mistakes and Lana's been to Hell and back on behalf of mine. And partly just because I wanted to.

I was surprised and all, but not too much. I think I surprised her more with what I did after. Her and Toews. It was pretty funny, not exactly the way I'd envisioned me doing what I'd planning on for a while, but it still felt like it was just as it should have been.

"Pat." Lana paused. Toews peered up at her; they made quick, uneasy contact and then Toews nodded once, almost as if he was giving her permission. I stared at her innocently, pretending to not have noticed the exchange of face gestures between them. "I gotta tell you something." I looked at her, waiting for her to continue.
"We have to tell you something." Jon spoke, taking the spotlight off Lana. I looked at Jonny then back at Lana. Then I looked at the ground. I looked back at Lana, back at Tazer, and then I understood. I had nodded my head. "I don't want to know."
"Kaner," Toews started, "Hear me out brother."
Brother? Who gave him the right?

But he was my brother.

"Just hear me out okay," Tazer continued, "I'm not gonna bullshit you and find some lie or excuse or say that I was too drunk to realize because that's fucked up. What I did was fucked up. The blame's on me, though, entirely, so be pissed at me, not at Lana. Throw your punches here alright?"

He was nodding as he was speaking, I wasn't sure if it was for himself or for me. I approached him slowly and lifted my arm up, hand flat between us, fingers pointing him. He had stared at me, confused. But then we shook hands and hugged. "I'm sorry man." Toews had said into my ear. I heard the legitimacy of his sorry. So I accepted it wholeheartedly. "We're cool man." I had said.

To be honest, what killed me more than everything was that I knew Lana had initiated it- the sex. Toews would have never. I loved Lana. I loved her more than I loved myself, I really did, but Toews would have never. And I can't blame Toews for not responding- she's hot and she was single. He's okay, I mean, I don't see what she saw in him, I'm much hotter. But my arrogance didn't aid me in that discovery. I remember the way it hurt in that moment. It stung me. Stung me so bad that I walked over to Lana unconsciously after I shook hands with Toews. I walked over to her and did the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Almost worse than punching a cab driver. Probably even more.

"I should hate you right now," I told her, walking toward her, "but I can't."
She stared at me. Her emotions were indescribable: She was scared, relieved, ashamed, disappointed, angry, in fucking love.
She didn't how to respond but she tried, "I really wish you did hate me."
I shook my head, "No."

We were standing, facing each other, I was a couple of feet in front of her. I watched her, she watched me, Tazer watched the both of us. They didn't know what I was about to do. I didn't even know what I was about to do. By the time I realized what I had done, it was too late. My first instinct told me that it was dumb, stupid, idiotic, and all those good words, but while she stared at me, hands over her mouth and eyes filled with tears, crying what seemed like her heart out, I knew it wasn't a mistake.

She deserved it.
She absolutely deserved it.

Toews was frozen looking at us. "This fucking dumbass," He was probably thinking. He was right and wrong. Like I said, she deserved it.
She absolutely deserved it.
She absolutely fucking deserved it.

I stared up at her.












She was sobbing and nodding her head. "Yes, yeah, of course."

When she agreed, I couldn't contain my happiness. I wasn't angry at her anymore. I couldn't control my emotions. My eyes welled up with all these tears that I'd probably been saving ever since God knows when. I stood up and slipped the ring onto Lana's finger. We kissed for just a second, but it was worth more than its time. It was reconciliatory. It healed me, it fixed us.

I felt Tazer's hand on my shoulder. I had tried to blink back the tears to keep myself from crying in front of Toews but it was no use, they wouldn't stop. He tugged at my shoulder to turn me around and when I did, his eyes were in tears too. I remember thinking: This couldn't be more fucking gay. But I accepted his hug. "This couldn't have happened to a better guy." He told me.

Tazer was a brother. He really was.

"I know this isn't any time soon," I spoke to him quietly so Lana wouldn't hear, "But you're a busy hockey player and all, I want to make sure you can fit it in your schedule to be my best man." He smiled hugely. "You're a fucker, you know that Kaner?" We hugged for the third time- more than we'd ever hugged in our entire careers playing each other and we'd won a fucking Stanley cup twice. That's how you know it was a good occasion. When you hug someone more than you hug them when you have the weight of Lord Stanley in your arms, then it's a good occasion. It's a very good occasion.

Notes

i love cliffhangers guys.
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comments are greatly appreciated

ily mwah

**i posted this originally as two chapters but it was so short so I figured I'd just combine them and add some more. if you read before the update, make sure you read it again!!

***guys omg patrick kane and his girlfriend ( like his actual girlfriend) are so damn cute