Unexpected
Chapter 10
Chapter 10
I grabbed her hand as soon as we entered the car.
“That was intense. How do you deal with that day in and day out. I don't think I could ever be in that situation.” she huffed in the passenger seat.
“It is part of what I am. I don't always like it but it is part of the job. The public wants a perfect role model for their children, and a man that stands up to Pittsburgh’s standards. I have so many expectations set upon me. I am just glad I can be Sid with you. It makes the days worth living.”
She smiled over at me. “You just be you. Anyone that knows you will appreciate it.”
“That's the problem, You see I try so hard to keep my private life private. They are constantly trying to pull it out. I just want to be Sidney Crosby for just one fucking day. I love what I do don't get me wrong but Jesus sometimes it is just too much.”
“I guess that's true.”
“Love, you have no idea. You know why my property is gated? Cause crazy random people will just ring my doorbell. They have no shame and think that I shouldn't have a private life. I hate the public sometimes. I just want to be me and I can't. I have to watch my language on the camera but I curse like a sailor on the ice. Do you know how hard it is not to say fuck on camera after we lose? I have used the word garbage for years. It is just sometimes, I would like to have a minute of peace. I don't think that is too much to ask.”
She sat staring down at her fingers as they moved over one another. She was winding her hands back and forth over her lap.
“Steph?”
“What if I told you that I didn't think I could do this?”
“Umm I umm I? I couldn't make a sentence.
“I just, I just, Idon't know Sidney. I just don't know if I could handle all of this attention. I have freaking camera men following me around. People are asking me questions that I am not sure how to answer. I love you. I do! I just don't think I will ever get used to you and your career. You are so visible. So out there, all the time. I know you wish that it could be different but its not. You are Sidney Fucking Crosby. Its a lifestyle change for me in more ways than one. I am glad that you chose me and I am also very thankful that I got a chance to be with you. I am glad you are just you, when you are with me. I want nothing more than to stay and change and be who you need me to be, but I can't. Today has been so hard and you are just perfect in so many ways. Thank you for showing me what it could be like.”
“Please don't do this Steph. Please you promised to trust in us, to give this a shot.”
“I do and I have. I want my normal life back at the beach. Surfing to the sunrise and working at the restaurant, where my dad loved you from afar. I need that normalcy.”
I just sat in the drivers seat in shock. I couldn't think of words to say. I slammed the car in reverse. Flying out of the parking lot.
“Sidney please.”
“What the fuck do you want me to say? You fucking knew when you stepped on this train what was going to happen. I can't change who I am or what I chose to be. All I can do is love you. That's all I fucking know how to do.” I refused to look at her even though I could hear the muffled tears coming from her.
“I’m sorry.” she cried into her hands
“It doesn't fucking matter!” I shouted at her. “You walked into my life and changed so much. You showed me what it was like to love, to be free even if just for a moment.”
I drove like a bat outta hell. I had to get away from her before I broke down myself. I called Geno on the way.
“Met me in the parking deck.” I instructed through my teeth
“What wrong?” he asked concern flooding his voice
“Just fucking do it.”
I pulled into the parking deck at Geno’s condo complex. He was standing in front of the elevator, waiting as I asked.
“Get the fuck out of my car.” I shouted at her.
“Sidney please.”
“Get the FUCK out!”
Geno walked to the car as she opened her door. “Stefane?” he questioned. her shoulders were heaving with her sobs, but I didn't care at that moment. I knew Geno was the only person I could trust to handle this situation for me.
He stuck his head in the door asking “What fuck man?”
“Just get her the fuck out of my sight.”
“Sid, what you doing?”
“Its not what I am doing ask her what the fuck she is doing.” I flipped my hand in her direction.” I need to bolt could you get her stuff from my place and get her on a plane to fucking North Carolina tomorrow? I just need too...” I wasn't sure what i needed I just needed away from this situation. “You a stupid man. You fucking stupid.” He shut the door shaking his head. I watched him in the rear view as he wrapped her in his arms. Rubbing her hair like she was a small child.
I drove to the only place that made since.
I laced up my skates hitting the ice, taking my frustrations out on the puck. I slammed puck after puck into the net. I didn't understand these feelings and I sure as hell wasn't going to cry over her. I gave her my heart and she stomped all over it. Why the hell would she ever think that this could change. I knew coming in that the sacrifices would be made on her side. I knew that my life wasn't one I was willing to give up. I have trained since I was 2 fucking years old to be who I am.
“Sid?” I turned shocked that someone was here with me. Mario walked out on the ice.
“Are you ok? Geno called and told me you were upset. I figured you would be here.”
“I don't want to fucking talk about it.” I roared at him.
He held up his hands backing a few steps away.
“You need to talk about it. Stephanie is a mess and Geno can't get an answer out of her. She just keeps saying its all her fault. What happened?”
“The fucking bastards won't leave her alone and once again have taken control of my entire fucking piss poor life. Why the fuck can't i just be Sid. Why do I have to be Sidney FUCKING Crosby. This is fucking bullshit. Fuck my life.”
“Sid are you mad at her? What exactly are you mad at?”
“I fucking hate the press. I hate the goddamn Penguins. I fucking hate myself. I wanted it to be different. I fucking wanted it to be her and I. Just us. I can never have that can I?”
“Son, you know that isn't true. You have to give her some time to adjust to this life.” he waved around the rink. “I don't think you are mad at her. I think you are frustrated and scared of what you see the future could be. Let me ask you this? Do you love her?”
“With all of my being.”
“Then talk to her. You freaked out because you are scared. You did a good thing by taking her to Geno. He is a good friend to you.”
“I just want to have what you have. What Coach Dan has what fucking Tanger has. I wish sometimes I could be Max fucking Talbot and not give a rats ass about who I was fucking or who was next. I just don't want to care. I have too much riding on this season.”
“Are you that fucking worthless that you think the whole goddamn organization is all about you. This team isn't just you. You have back up in Geno, Tanger, Flower, and Nealer, I could go on. Do you think for one minute that they wouldn't want you happy. You are their captain when you walk into the goddamn arena and you are Sidney Crosby when you walk out. You take all of this too seriously. You have to lighten up and let some of the bull shit go. If I had given up this easy my children wouldn't be here. I had to fight for my wife and love her even when she wanted to leave because I was Mario Lemieux. I have been in your shoes. I know what you are feeling and what you are trying to give up. You need to drop this shit, quit being a douche and be a man. If she is what you want then fight for her. Your press conference today proved that you want her and that you will protect her. She will have to try her best to get used to the attention. She will come around if she loves you, she will come around.”
I knew the blank look on my face told him more than I could ever say.
“Go to Geno’s talk to her. You owe her that.”
“I can't, I just can't.”
“You do what you feel is right.”
Stephanie’s point of view.
I just wanted to be honest with him. I didn't think he would lose it like that.
“Stefane, what happen?” Geno asked softly while rubbing my shoulders as I cried into his chest.
“Its all my fault, it is just all my fault.”
I couldn't tell him what I had said I couldn't even bring myself to open that ugly place in my heart. He had thrown me out like a piece of trash. Like I didn't matter.
“You love him yes?”
I nodded
“Then you talk.”
I shook my head cause it wouldn't matter. I could still see his wide eyes and flaring nostrils as he shouted at me to get the fuck out of his car.
“He hates me Geno, he does.”
“He not hate, he scared. He will back, he will back.” He cooed into my neck.
I knew there wasn't a chance that we could fix this I had told him what I was feeling and he just shut down. Geno reached for his phone as the ding finished
“He be here in minute.”
“I don't want to see him Geno, Geno please.”
“You need talk. Ya’ll need fix.” he grinned over at me making me smile a little through my tears.
“I can't see him right now. I don't know if I can handle anything he has to say. He dumped me in your lap expecting you to clean up his mess.”
“No he dump here, I take care you.” he rubbed my eyes with the pads of his thumbs. “Sometime Kid is stupid. He just stupid. He love you. Love you for long time. He scared. you scared. You be scared together.”
I really loved Geno, His thoughts were always so simple.
“Kat not like attention. She get mad all time.” he made me laugh as he spread his arms and widened his eyes. “She hate camera. She love me, so she ignore. You need ignore. you fight more they follow more. I love you and Kid but this silly.”
“Geno, it is easier said than done. He is Sidney fucking Crosby.”
“No you wrong he just Sidney Crosby, everyday he just Sidney Crosby.”
When the buzzer for the door went off he smiled softly and kissed me on the forehead. “You listen no talk. Let him talk. yes?”
I nodded. Trying to keep the tears at bay.
Sidney’s point of view
I tried to walk into the condo but Geno pushed against my chest stopping me in the doorway. He pushed again out into the hall and closed the door behind him.
“You fucking asshole. How you do that to your love. She mess and you fucking did.” he pointed towards the door. “You make right or I kick fucking ass. Got it?”
I nodded feeling the threatening glare that followed his words. He waited for me to speak and then shoved me again. “Got it? I not let you in if you ass. You make fucking right.”
“I got it Geno back the fuck off.”
“No, that girl like sister in Russia, I will rip fucking head off you hurt her like this. She love you and you love her. Make work. She need you to help understand. She need you support her. You come down off Sidney cloud and be fucking man.” he thumped me in the chest. He was angry I could see it. He wasn't going to let me in to see her if I didn't make promises I wasn't sure I fully intended to keep.
“I just need to talk to her.”
“You be nice, There will be fucking blood if not.” he glowered down at me as I walked by him into the house.
“Steph?” she wouldn't look up at me and had her head cradled in her hands.
“What do you want Sidney?” she asked.
“I’m sorry. Ok I am really fucking sorry. I am not mad at you, I am mad at our circumstances. When you are here it is just so fucking easy. You are mine and that is how I want it to be.”
I reached for her but she scooted away towards Geno who laid a protective hand over her shoulder.
“You dumped like a piece of trash.” she huffed between sobs.
“I didn't know what to do. I was so angry. Angry at everyone but you and unfortunately you took the brunt of it. I won't ever do that again.”
“I don't know if that is true.”
“Listen Love...” she looked directly at me and I saw the damage on her face. Her eyes were swollen and puffy and I cringed at the sight of her.
“You don't fucking get to call me that you fucking bastard.”
Geno’s soft voice calmed her down. “You listen, yes?”
She nodded and sat back down on the couch. Geno took her hand in his. I watched as he calmed her and soothed her back into a more reasonable place. I knew I didn't deserve either of them in this moment and it took everything in my body not to stand and walk away.
“I love you. I wish that I could make things different but I can't. I need you to be with me and I need you to understand that all of this is mostly out of my control. I am sorry I blew up at you. I am so sorry that I caused this.” I waved toward her.
This moment would change everything I ever thought was truth. I made a decision in this, it was just her. She was all that mattered to me.
“I will give it all up now. I will drop my stick and walk away, if that is what it takes. I want you more than hockey, money or fame. I want you everyday. I want kids with you and a life. I know I am just a stupid worthless fucking hockey player, but you found it in your heart to love me. I will give it all up every single penny.
Geno’s eyes went wide at what I was saying.
“Sidney that is not what I want and I would never ask you to do that.”
“But I would for you I would do anything. I want to have you and if that is what it takes, then consider it done.”
She stood and walked over dropping to her knees in front of me.
“I want you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I need time to figure this out. I just need time.” she gave me a shy smile and looked back down at her hands.
“You can have all the time you need. I will wait forever just for the chance to love you more. You are my life’s blood. My only reason for getting out of bed anymore. You have taken the place of hockey on my list and it got a solid second. I want you to be happy. If you need time then it is yours.” I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. I stood stepping over her as I walked towards the door.
Geno exploded from the couch and blocked the doorway. “You not leave.”
“She fucking needs time man. So I will give her that. I am not going to make a pansy ass decision and then have it thrown into my face. I need her and she needs time. So move your big fucking Russian ass out of my way.”
“That not what meant. She need time with you, not without.” I turned and walked back to the space looking down over her as she cried.
“If you want to do this then come with me. I will give you time.”
She reached for my hand and I pulled her up. I squeezed our hands to my heart.
The silence in the car was deafening. I wanted to say so much but there was nothing left to say. I took her hand in mine and rubbed tiny circles over her knuckles.
“I’m sorry.” she finally spoke.
“We are both sorry. We will figure this out. It is a fucking roller coaster that I want to get off, but I can't.”
“I want you to have your life and I want to fit into it but FUCK, Sidney I don't think I ever could. You are well you are Sidney Crosby number 87 player for the Penguins...” the sentence fell off as she realized what she was saying.
“Fuck, Fuck,” she just kept saying it over and over.
“What?” i asked.
“I did it to you. I made you Sidney FUCKING Crosby and I hadn't even realized it." her voice raised in octave with every sentence. "You told me that it was just a name and didn't define who you were. I have expected you to dump me one day for a better girl for someone that was closer or knew how to skate. You chose me though and I have done nothing but make sure I kept you on that goddamned pedestal that you were trying to step down from. Oh God Sidney Oh God. I am so sorry. I didn't know that was what I was doing. We have been pushing each other apart because I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you and you were pushing me away because you were scared. It all makes sense now. It just fucking clicked like a light bulb. Fuck.”
I couldn't help but laugh. The strain of the past few hours had taken a chunk out of my psyche. She leaned over kissing me on the mouth. I almost drove off of the road as I wasn't expecting her to do that. “I fucking love you Sidney Crosby. I swear I do.”
“I love you too.”
When I pulled into the driveway I spoke softly to her. “Can we start over?”
she smiled “Yes.”
“Hi I’m Sidney Crosby.”
“Hi I’m Stephanie Proulx.”
We laughed as we walked up to the house.
I grabbed her hand as soon as we entered the car.
“That was intense. How do you deal with that day in and day out. I don't think I could ever be in that situation.” she huffed in the passenger seat.
“It is part of what I am. I don't always like it but it is part of the job. The public wants a perfect role model for their children, and a man that stands up to Pittsburgh’s standards. I have so many expectations set upon me. I am just glad I can be Sid with you. It makes the days worth living.”
She smiled over at me. “You just be you. Anyone that knows you will appreciate it.”
“That's the problem, You see I try so hard to keep my private life private. They are constantly trying to pull it out. I just want to be Sidney Crosby for just one fucking day. I love what I do don't get me wrong but Jesus sometimes it is just too much.”
“I guess that's true.”
“Love, you have no idea. You know why my property is gated? Cause crazy random people will just ring my doorbell. They have no shame and think that I shouldn't have a private life. I hate the public sometimes. I just want to be me and I can't. I have to watch my language on the camera but I curse like a sailor on the ice. Do you know how hard it is not to say fuck on camera after we lose? I have used the word garbage for years. It is just sometimes, I would like to have a minute of peace. I don't think that is too much to ask.”
She sat staring down at her fingers as they moved over one another. She was winding her hands back and forth over her lap.
“Steph?”
“What if I told you that I didn't think I could do this?”
“Umm I umm I? I couldn't make a sentence.
“I just, I just, Idon't know Sidney. I just don't know if I could handle all of this attention. I have freaking camera men following me around. People are asking me questions that I am not sure how to answer. I love you. I do! I just don't think I will ever get used to you and your career. You are so visible. So out there, all the time. I know you wish that it could be different but its not. You are Sidney Fucking Crosby. Its a lifestyle change for me in more ways than one. I am glad that you chose me and I am also very thankful that I got a chance to be with you. I am glad you are just you, when you are with me. I want nothing more than to stay and change and be who you need me to be, but I can't. Today has been so hard and you are just perfect in so many ways. Thank you for showing me what it could be like.”
“Please don't do this Steph. Please you promised to trust in us, to give this a shot.”
“I do and I have. I want my normal life back at the beach. Surfing to the sunrise and working at the restaurant, where my dad loved you from afar. I need that normalcy.”
I just sat in the drivers seat in shock. I couldn't think of words to say. I slammed the car in reverse. Flying out of the parking lot.
“Sidney please.”
“What the fuck do you want me to say? You fucking knew when you stepped on this train what was going to happen. I can't change who I am or what I chose to be. All I can do is love you. That's all I fucking know how to do.” I refused to look at her even though I could hear the muffled tears coming from her.
“I’m sorry.” she cried into her hands
“It doesn't fucking matter!” I shouted at her. “You walked into my life and changed so much. You showed me what it was like to love, to be free even if just for a moment.”
I drove like a bat outta hell. I had to get away from her before I broke down myself. I called Geno on the way.
“Met me in the parking deck.” I instructed through my teeth
“What wrong?” he asked concern flooding his voice
“Just fucking do it.”
I pulled into the parking deck at Geno’s condo complex. He was standing in front of the elevator, waiting as I asked.
“Get the fuck out of my car.” I shouted at her.
“Sidney please.”
“Get the FUCK out!”
Geno walked to the car as she opened her door. “Stefane?” he questioned. her shoulders were heaving with her sobs, but I didn't care at that moment. I knew Geno was the only person I could trust to handle this situation for me.
He stuck his head in the door asking “What fuck man?”
“Just get her the fuck out of my sight.”
“Sid, what you doing?”
“Its not what I am doing ask her what the fuck she is doing.” I flipped my hand in her direction.” I need to bolt could you get her stuff from my place and get her on a plane to fucking North Carolina tomorrow? I just need too...” I wasn't sure what i needed I just needed away from this situation. “You a stupid man. You fucking stupid.” He shut the door shaking his head. I watched him in the rear view as he wrapped her in his arms. Rubbing her hair like she was a small child.
I drove to the only place that made since.
I laced up my skates hitting the ice, taking my frustrations out on the puck. I slammed puck after puck into the net. I didn't understand these feelings and I sure as hell wasn't going to cry over her. I gave her my heart and she stomped all over it. Why the hell would she ever think that this could change. I knew coming in that the sacrifices would be made on her side. I knew that my life wasn't one I was willing to give up. I have trained since I was 2 fucking years old to be who I am.
“Sid?” I turned shocked that someone was here with me. Mario walked out on the ice.
“Are you ok? Geno called and told me you were upset. I figured you would be here.”
“I don't want to fucking talk about it.” I roared at him.
He held up his hands backing a few steps away.
“You need to talk about it. Stephanie is a mess and Geno can't get an answer out of her. She just keeps saying its all her fault. What happened?”
“The fucking bastards won't leave her alone and once again have taken control of my entire fucking piss poor life. Why the fuck can't i just be Sid. Why do I have to be Sidney FUCKING Crosby. This is fucking bullshit. Fuck my life.”
“Sid are you mad at her? What exactly are you mad at?”
“I fucking hate the press. I hate the goddamn Penguins. I fucking hate myself. I wanted it to be different. I fucking wanted it to be her and I. Just us. I can never have that can I?”
“Son, you know that isn't true. You have to give her some time to adjust to this life.” he waved around the rink. “I don't think you are mad at her. I think you are frustrated and scared of what you see the future could be. Let me ask you this? Do you love her?”
“With all of my being.”
“Then talk to her. You freaked out because you are scared. You did a good thing by taking her to Geno. He is a good friend to you.”
“I just want to have what you have. What Coach Dan has what fucking Tanger has. I wish sometimes I could be Max fucking Talbot and not give a rats ass about who I was fucking or who was next. I just don't want to care. I have too much riding on this season.”
“Are you that fucking worthless that you think the whole goddamn organization is all about you. This team isn't just you. You have back up in Geno, Tanger, Flower, and Nealer, I could go on. Do you think for one minute that they wouldn't want you happy. You are their captain when you walk into the goddamn arena and you are Sidney Crosby when you walk out. You take all of this too seriously. You have to lighten up and let some of the bull shit go. If I had given up this easy my children wouldn't be here. I had to fight for my wife and love her even when she wanted to leave because I was Mario Lemieux. I have been in your shoes. I know what you are feeling and what you are trying to give up. You need to drop this shit, quit being a douche and be a man. If she is what you want then fight for her. Your press conference today proved that you want her and that you will protect her. She will have to try her best to get used to the attention. She will come around if she loves you, she will come around.”
I knew the blank look on my face told him more than I could ever say.
“Go to Geno’s talk to her. You owe her that.”
“I can't, I just can't.”
“You do what you feel is right.”
Stephanie’s point of view.
I just wanted to be honest with him. I didn't think he would lose it like that.
“Stefane, what happen?” Geno asked softly while rubbing my shoulders as I cried into his chest.
“Its all my fault, it is just all my fault.”
I couldn't tell him what I had said I couldn't even bring myself to open that ugly place in my heart. He had thrown me out like a piece of trash. Like I didn't matter.
“You love him yes?”
I nodded
“Then you talk.”
I shook my head cause it wouldn't matter. I could still see his wide eyes and flaring nostrils as he shouted at me to get the fuck out of his car.
“He hates me Geno, he does.”
“He not hate, he scared. He will back, he will back.” He cooed into my neck.
I knew there wasn't a chance that we could fix this I had told him what I was feeling and he just shut down. Geno reached for his phone as the ding finished
“He be here in minute.”
“I don't want to see him Geno, Geno please.”
“You need talk. Ya’ll need fix.” he grinned over at me making me smile a little through my tears.
“I can't see him right now. I don't know if I can handle anything he has to say. He dumped me in your lap expecting you to clean up his mess.”
“No he dump here, I take care you.” he rubbed my eyes with the pads of his thumbs. “Sometime Kid is stupid. He just stupid. He love you. Love you for long time. He scared. you scared. You be scared together.”
I really loved Geno, His thoughts were always so simple.
“Kat not like attention. She get mad all time.” he made me laugh as he spread his arms and widened his eyes. “She hate camera. She love me, so she ignore. You need ignore. you fight more they follow more. I love you and Kid but this silly.”
“Geno, it is easier said than done. He is Sidney fucking Crosby.”
“No you wrong he just Sidney Crosby, everyday he just Sidney Crosby.”
When the buzzer for the door went off he smiled softly and kissed me on the forehead. “You listen no talk. Let him talk. yes?”
I nodded. Trying to keep the tears at bay.
Sidney’s point of view
I tried to walk into the condo but Geno pushed against my chest stopping me in the doorway. He pushed again out into the hall and closed the door behind him.
“You fucking asshole. How you do that to your love. She mess and you fucking did.” he pointed towards the door. “You make right or I kick fucking ass. Got it?”
I nodded feeling the threatening glare that followed his words. He waited for me to speak and then shoved me again. “Got it? I not let you in if you ass. You make fucking right.”
“I got it Geno back the fuck off.”
“No, that girl like sister in Russia, I will rip fucking head off you hurt her like this. She love you and you love her. Make work. She need you to help understand. She need you support her. You come down off Sidney cloud and be fucking man.” he thumped me in the chest. He was angry I could see it. He wasn't going to let me in to see her if I didn't make promises I wasn't sure I fully intended to keep.
“I just need to talk to her.”
“You be nice, There will be fucking blood if not.” he glowered down at me as I walked by him into the house.
“Steph?” she wouldn't look up at me and had her head cradled in her hands.
“What do you want Sidney?” she asked.
“I’m sorry. Ok I am really fucking sorry. I am not mad at you, I am mad at our circumstances. When you are here it is just so fucking easy. You are mine and that is how I want it to be.”
I reached for her but she scooted away towards Geno who laid a protective hand over her shoulder.
“You dumped like a piece of trash.” she huffed between sobs.
“I didn't know what to do. I was so angry. Angry at everyone but you and unfortunately you took the brunt of it. I won't ever do that again.”
“I don't know if that is true.”
“Listen Love...” she looked directly at me and I saw the damage on her face. Her eyes were swollen and puffy and I cringed at the sight of her.
“You don't fucking get to call me that you fucking bastard.”
Geno’s soft voice calmed her down. “You listen, yes?”
She nodded and sat back down on the couch. Geno took her hand in his. I watched as he calmed her and soothed her back into a more reasonable place. I knew I didn't deserve either of them in this moment and it took everything in my body not to stand and walk away.
“I love you. I wish that I could make things different but I can't. I need you to be with me and I need you to understand that all of this is mostly out of my control. I am sorry I blew up at you. I am so sorry that I caused this.” I waved toward her.
This moment would change everything I ever thought was truth. I made a decision in this, it was just her. She was all that mattered to me.
“I will give it all up now. I will drop my stick and walk away, if that is what it takes. I want you more than hockey, money or fame. I want you everyday. I want kids with you and a life. I know I am just a stupid worthless fucking hockey player, but you found it in your heart to love me. I will give it all up every single penny.
Geno’s eyes went wide at what I was saying.
“Sidney that is not what I want and I would never ask you to do that.”
“But I would for you I would do anything. I want to have you and if that is what it takes, then consider it done.”
She stood and walked over dropping to her knees in front of me.
“I want you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I need time to figure this out. I just need time.” she gave me a shy smile and looked back down at her hands.
“You can have all the time you need. I will wait forever just for the chance to love you more. You are my life’s blood. My only reason for getting out of bed anymore. You have taken the place of hockey on my list and it got a solid second. I want you to be happy. If you need time then it is yours.” I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. I stood stepping over her as I walked towards the door.
Geno exploded from the couch and blocked the doorway. “You not leave.”
“She fucking needs time man. So I will give her that. I am not going to make a pansy ass decision and then have it thrown into my face. I need her and she needs time. So move your big fucking Russian ass out of my way.”
“That not what meant. She need time with you, not without.” I turned and walked back to the space looking down over her as she cried.
“If you want to do this then come with me. I will give you time.”
She reached for my hand and I pulled her up. I squeezed our hands to my heart.
The silence in the car was deafening. I wanted to say so much but there was nothing left to say. I took her hand in mine and rubbed tiny circles over her knuckles.
“I’m sorry.” she finally spoke.
“We are both sorry. We will figure this out. It is a fucking roller coaster that I want to get off, but I can't.”
“I want you to have your life and I want to fit into it but FUCK, Sidney I don't think I ever could. You are well you are Sidney Crosby number 87 player for the Penguins...” the sentence fell off as she realized what she was saying.
“Fuck, Fuck,” she just kept saying it over and over.
“What?” i asked.
“I did it to you. I made you Sidney FUCKING Crosby and I hadn't even realized it." her voice raised in octave with every sentence. "You told me that it was just a name and didn't define who you were. I have expected you to dump me one day for a better girl for someone that was closer or knew how to skate. You chose me though and I have done nothing but make sure I kept you on that goddamned pedestal that you were trying to step down from. Oh God Sidney Oh God. I am so sorry. I didn't know that was what I was doing. We have been pushing each other apart because I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you and you were pushing me away because you were scared. It all makes sense now. It just fucking clicked like a light bulb. Fuck.”
I couldn't help but laugh. The strain of the past few hours had taken a chunk out of my psyche. She leaned over kissing me on the mouth. I almost drove off of the road as I wasn't expecting her to do that. “I fucking love you Sidney Crosby. I swear I do.”
“I love you too.”
When I pulled into the driveway I spoke softly to her. “Can we start over?”
she smiled “Yes.”
“Hi I’m Sidney Crosby.”
“Hi I’m Stephanie Proulx.”
We laughed as we walked up to the house.
12/29/12