The Longest Time

“I’m sorry, you what?”

I was splayed across my bed with Mallory’s face staring at me in disgust from the computer screen.
“I perioded in his mouth,” I grimaced and buried my face in the pillow under me. I’d finally finished the semester and although my projects were now a thing of the past, the memory of that night still haunted me.

“Jesus Christ Colbie!” my sister cried and wrinkled her nose before sticking her tongue out and gagging.

“It was an accident—”

“Well no shit it was an accident, I knew you were freaky but that would take the cake.”

“I’m not freaky,” I grumbled.

“So did he kick you out? Have you heard from him since?” she ignored my protest at her accusation that I was sexually abnormal.

“Of course I’ve heard from him.”

“Well I don’t know, if someone perioded in my mouth I probably wouldn’t call them back.”

“I probably wouldn’t either,” I smiled more to myself than her.

“So if you’re still the president of his fan club have you gotten it in yet?” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and licked her lips crassly.

I stared at her blankly for a second before crafting a response. I was a little ashamed to admit that I hadn’t been able to close yet. Like I’d told James, I was not the type to wait to get to know someone. “We’ve both been really busy” I smiled weakly.

She laughed and shook her head. “Wow, little sister. This one must be something special because I’ve never known you to be so patient.”

“I know,” I rolled my eyes softly and mumbled a laugh low in my throat. “I just want it to be like… special, y’know?”

“Special?” she questioned, tilting her head to the side.

“Yes, Mallory, special!” I spat back at her. I could feel my cheeks getting warmer and I knew that it would show on my face, my skin didn’t hide anything, there was no emotion my face didn’t tell. “I don’t want it to be another fling!”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she softened.

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed. “I don’t know how you got the impression that I’m some kind of kinky harlot.”

Despite my protests, James decided to stay in the city for Christmas. After the guilt of keeping him from his family had passed I was relieved to have someone to wake up to that morning. I tried to believe him when he said he wanted to stay because he didn’t have enough time off to make a trip home worth it, but I had a feeling my being alone played a role in his decision.

To the delight of Jack and Riley, James and I joined them for Christmas Eve dinner. Like most meals in that house, Jessica’s husband was missing, stuck at work we were told. When we sat down at the table and the kids realized he wasn’t coming I watched their faces fall, and in a strange way I could relate to their disappointment. It was my first Christmas Eve without a Catholic mass and the chaos of my family and as much as I tried to fight it, the loneliness that came with knowing my family was following the same traditions we always had while I was so far away had sank itself inside of me and nothing I did could shake it. After eating we gathered in the living room where James and I took turns reading holiday stories and Jessica watched from the corner smiling. Even though it was none of my business, my heart hurt for her, having these moments without her husband. I think what made it worse was that this was his choice, he wasn’t in a different country, or on his deathbed, he had just decided to work instead of be with them. I could tell she was doing everything she could to keep that from ruining the night.

We exchanged gifts before drawing the night to a close. I’d picked up a set of K-nex for Riley, a lego castle for Jack, and a soft plush doll for Ruby, James had added shirtseys with his name on the back for each of the kids. Both gifts were met with enthusiastic responses and a round of little hugs. When they’d finally calmed down, the boys each presented me with a handmade card, in addition to a gift card for the grocery store and a hardcover copy of Sally Mann’s photography collection “At Twelve.” A book that I had only casually mentioned looking for one day at dinner. It was when Jessica presented me with a soft, heavy knit sweater that had to cost as much as my rent, and a bottle of the most luxurious bubble bath I had ever held, that I lost control of my emotions and felt tears trickle down my cheeks. Maybe it was that she didn’t want me to scare the boys, or maybe it was her maternal instincts but before the tears could hit my lips her arms were around me, reminding me of my own mother.


Dressed in their new pyjamas, Jack, Riley, and Ruby hung their stockings along the mantel and set out cookies for Santa before being escorted to bed. It was nearly two hours past the time we usually put them to sleep and I hoped they’d fall asleep quickly for her, not letting the excitement they felt disturb her nights sleep.I did my best to bite back the emptiness that filled me the next day. Despite James' pleading otherwise, I spent the night alone in my bed and welcomed what had once been the most sacred of holidays in my life, with the silence of my new life and the emptiness of my apartment. Any gifts I'd be receiving from my family wouldn't arrive until my younger siblings did and as I sat on my bed watching the snow fall out my window, I felt a distinct, haunting sensation of being utterly lost. I knew I could call him, hell I could get in the car and drive right to his house, or to Jessica, I could call Beatrice who had invited me for Christmas dinner and ask if she needed me to come early. But nothing that came to mind felt right. Instead I ate a quiet breakfast, carefully cutting my toast into triangles the way my mother always did, then methodically washed the dishes I'd used by hand, taking my time to dry them before returning them to the shelf. By the time I'd showered and made sure every curl on my head was conditioned properly, it was still only a quarter past nine in the morning.

Slipping my coat over the sweater Jessica had given me, I laced up my boots, collected my hat and mittens, and left my little apartment in favour of the snowy Pittsburgh streets. I could have driven, but with Jacob and Fallon coming I was trying to make my tank of gas last as long as possible. I didn't have a destination in mind until I was at least half a mile from home, then, without hesitation, I found the only place that might make sense. The heavy wooden door creaked as I pulled it open, and I slipped into the darkness of the brick building making as little noise as possible. The familiar smell of incense and candle wax filled my nostrils and I wondered if they all smelt the same. Was there a signature scent the Catholic Church used in all their parishes? Like the way Victoria's Secret stores always sprayed the same perfume? It seemed strange that the church would be so empty on the holiest day of the year I wasn’t an expert on churches, but I’d been to enough to know that 10am mass was always busy, especially on Christmas. As I made my way to one of the rows of sturdy wooden pews, I noticed a sign pinned to the wall Christmas Mass Cancelled. It read, and I had to laugh. It was too fitting, considering I’d felt all morning that my own Christmas had been cancelled. Taking a seat at one of the many empty benches, I blessed myself carefully, murmuring a soft “amen,” as I got to my knees.

Are you there God, it’s me Colbie. I thought, a smile playing on my lips as my eyes closed. I’m not really sure what I’m doing. Because I don’t know if I really believe in you. But I guess I must, if I’m sitting here talking to you. If I didn’t believe I would have gone to Dunkin’ instead of stopping here. Maybe I’m just used to the church because it’s all I know. Maybe you don’t exist, and we just find comfort in thinking you must so we don’t have to accept how fucked up everything is. Wait, sorry, you’re not supposed to swear in prayer. My bad. When I say I don’t know what I’m doing, I mean in life, more than just right now. I picked up and moved my life and I have no idea where I belong anymore. I know I have good people in my life, Jessica, my family, the kids, and James. Especially James. But where do I fit with them, I’m just kind of standing on the outskirts of everyone else’s life, peering in and hoping to find a seat at this big metaphorical table. I let out a sigh and pulled off my hat and mittens. I guess I’m more wondering where I fit in James’ life. It just doesn’t seem right that he’d want someone like me. It doesn’t make sense. If you’re up there, I’d really appreciate some kind of sign or something. Just a little guidance before I jump into something I can’t handle. Anyway, I guess that’s all. Thanks.

Blessing myself again I sat back onto the seat, my eyes adjusting to the darkness. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d prayed. Even when I went to mass at my mother’s request I usually just sat there thinking about everything else in the world, never the task at hand. It felt good, a little strange, but like I’d sorted something out, although I wasn’t sure what just yet.

It was still snowing when I finally left the safety of the church, fat flakes drifting down from the sky, undisturbed in the quiet of the midmorning. On my way home I stopped for coffee, pitying the people who had to work on Christmas morning and leaving them a tip that I could barely afford. The walk home was filled with a calmness I didn’t know I’d been craving. With most people celebrating the holiday with their families, the streets were eerily still and in parts, the muddy tire tracks in the snow were being replaced by fresh powder. At one point I stood in the middle of a normally busy road and watched the snow sparkle, before falling back and leaving a carefree snow angel right in the middle of the deserted street. Of course, after making it, it took a picture, fiddling with the white balance on my film camera before finally finishing the walk back to my apartment.

He was standing outside the door with his hands stuffed in his pockets when I walked up. Hunched over and trying to keep warm with a black toque pulled over his usually perfect hair. “Finally!” James shivered when he saw me, a smile forming on his lips. “Where have you been? I called like ten times.”

“Why are you standing outside?” I asked, pulling my keys out of my pocket and opening the heavy main door. “I went for a walk.”

James followed me in, shaking the snow off of him once in the foyer. “I had to park like a block away,” he explained, although still not answering my question completely. As I opened my mouth to question him, his body moved towards me, pinning me against the wall as one chilly hand moved to cup my face. He didn’t say anything, just gave me a knowing smirk and leaned closer, closing the space between us and kissing me, gently at first. His lips moved softly but began picking up pace as his hand moved back towards my hair, still hidden under my toque. My knees were shaking as I kissed him back, wondering if this was really the best place, but too distracted to care, even as the family who lived across the hall from me walked past us. I was nearly out of breath when he pulled away from me, still so close I could feel his breath and his hand still in my hair.

“Merry Christmas Colbie O’Connor,” he whispered before taking my hand and leading me up the stairs. It could have been the perfect moment to finally be together, but the minute my shirt was pulled over my head, my phone began frantically vibrating on the bedside table.

“It’s my Ma’” I told him, covering my bare chest and answering. “Happy Christmas!!!” A chorus of voices sang from the other end of the line and I couldn’t help but grin. “Hi love,” my mother greeted me almost immediately after and I could hear the rest of the family shuffling around in the background and my heart began to ache.

“Nollaig Shona,” I replied, trying to earn bonus points by speaking her beloved Irish. “How is everyone?” Beside me, James lay with his pants undone and an awkward look on his face. I could tell he wasn’t used to being put on pause like this.

“We sure miss you,” my mother said with a sigh and my chest felt tight. “‘specially the young ones,” she referred to my younger siblings. “But we’re good. Just getting ready for Mass. Have you gone yet?” I had to hide my snort and bit my lip.

“I went to church yeah,” I wasn’t lying, not at all, just letting her believe what she wanted.

“That’s good to hear,” she sang and I could hear Aoife hollering for her in the background. “Well we should get going Love. I will call you tonight ya? I love you.”

I barely had time to return the statement before she was gone and I put my phone back on the table with a heavy heart. My throat felt tight and I tried not to cry, but the feeling of loneliness was unavoidable I found myself wiping away tears that escaped my red rimmed eyes. Beside me, James stirred, obviously unsure what to do, and i tried to wave the tears away. “Sorry,” I croaked and he gave my leg a gentle pat.

“I get it,” he told me nuzzling into my shoulder. “I’ve spent a few Christmases away from home, too.” he tried to comfort me but instead I felt guilty.

“I didn’t ask you to stay. I told you to go home for the holiday!” I spat, frantically wiping at the tears as they poured down my cheeks.

“Colbs…” he sat up and looked at me. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that I know how you’re feeling right now. And I know it sucks.”

There was nothing I hated more than people seeing me cry, well people other than Mallory, and I was frazzled by the discomfort, turning away from him and distancing myself as I tried desperately to stop. “You could still find a flight if you wanted,” I told him, reaching for a kleenex and still avoiding his gaze.

“I don’t want to do that,” he told me softly, inching closer until he was able to slip his arm around my back and pull me closer by the waist. As much as I wanted to, I didn’t fight it, instead I let him pull my body against his and let out a much needed sigh, the final stray tears drying on top of my freckled cheeks. “I’m perfectly content staying right here, with you,” he murmured, face partially blocked by my hair.

“What did you tell your parents?” I tried to push the conversation along, worried that any more focus on me would lead to more tears.

“I told them I met someone,” James shrugged. “It’s not that big a deal for me to miss a holiday.” My ears perked and stomach fluttered. I knew it was me he’d met, but it felt surreal. Glancing up at him I knit my brows slightly.

“You told them about me?”

“Yup,” he nodded. “It wasn’t that big a deal. My mom says she looks forward to meeting you.”

Gasping, I looked at him in horror. He’d told them enough that the M word had been mentioned. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d officially met the parents. Lord knows it hadn’t happened with Leo. “Why?” I questioned. “Who did you tell her I was?”

James looked at me with a smirk and snorted. “Would you relax? I told her you’re a photography student and that I like you a lot. No state secrets were revealed, Colbie.”

Without a word, I moved so I could face him, my eyes scanning along his face, trying to read his expression. “You like me a lot?” I asked without any inflection to hint at just how good that made me feel.

It was his turn to not talk, instead he tucked a stray curl behind my ear and leaned in, kissing me in a way that told me all I needed to know. It was a yes, an absolutely, proof of a decision made and no regrets. For one kiss it said so much, but it was his hands that told me what would happen next as he tugged at my sweater, eventually pulling it over my head. I was drawn into him, moth to flame, a desperate thirst he could quench as his hands moved town my sides. My jeans were pushed away, discarded on the floor before I could stop him and soon he joined me in the state of undress, hovering quietly above me before advancing any further. He looked at me in a way that was almost completely foreign. A kind of adoration and amazement in his eyes that I hadn’t seen in the faces of the many men who’d come before him, the many men who would never compare to him. When he kissed me I felt the loneliness drift away, leaving me free to feel the warmth of his body and the smoothness of his skin under my fingertips. I was finally close to the moles and freckles I’d long dreamed about.

“Is this okay?” he asked tentatively, slipping one hand between us to trace his finger over the wet spot on my underwear. His breath was warm against my neck when he moved the fabric out of the way and I moaned softly in response. He was far gentler than I’d anticipated, used to rough hands and quick movements. I was once again impatient, appreciative of his sweetness but desperate to get to the part where our bodies are connected. Pushing my hips towards him, I arched my back a little, hoping he’d get the hint. But instead he just continued with his fingers, paling in comparison to what I knew was coming next. The room felt too quiet and I could hear my pulse thudding in my ears.

After a few more minutes of what was relatively pleasurable but largely anticlimactic finger action, I finally took a deep breath. “James?” I spoke, causing him to stop and look at me. “I need you,” I told him with my teeth digging into my bottom lip. He tried to tell me I had him, but I shook my head. “No, I need you, now.” I begged, and finally he understood. The remainder of our clothing was shed in a flurry and only seconds later I felt him pushing into me with a deep groan and my name slipping from his lips like a barely uttered curse word. It was everything I didn’t realize I needed. The weight of his perfectly carved body surrounded me as we moved together. Finally, after weeks of anticipation I could feel him inside of me.

Notes

Wow, took me a while to update this one! Now that Stay is over I'm trying to focus on this piece :) Hope you're still interested!
xx-T