The Diary of an Unintentional Puck Slut

July 27, 2014

Dear Diary,

After a couple of days of moping, Brandon caught on that I was not ‘just tired’ as I claimed.

“Is this because of Eric?” He finally asked.

I nodded, “It just makes me so sad that he can’t be with her.”

“He was very happy the few hours he got to spend with her,” he reassured me, but I sighed.

“I just wish I could have seen them together,” I leaned on him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

“What if I told you I got a picture of them, would that cheer you up?” He said as he got his phone out of his pocket.

“Yes! Yes it would!” I grabbed his phone and flipped through his pictures (which were mostly of the twins) until I found a few of Eric holding Ellie.

She was so little in his arms, and her tiny hand was reaching up toward his face. He looked down at her with such happiness that for a second I forgot that he wouldn’t get to see her grow up: take her first steps, say her first word, be there for her first day of school, teach her to skate, and a thousand other firsts a parent shouldn’t miss.

I leaned on Brandon again and started crying, still starring at the picture on his phone.

Brandon wrapped his arms around my and tried to pry his phone from my hands.

“I’ll send you the pictures Emme, but don’t break my phone, or cry on it,” he wiped my tears off of his screen and sent the few pictures to me. I heard my phone buzz as it received them, but I couldn’t look at them, not yet. I still hadn’t gotten over the initial shock.

“I don’t really know what I was expecting,” I said with my arms still tightly wrapped around Brandon. “I guess part of me was sort of hoping he wouldn’t like her and they wouldn’t be super cute together.”

“I know, it would be easier for all of us if Eric was a jerk who didn’t love his own daughter,” Brandon replied sarcastically with a smile.

“You know what I mean,” I looked up at him and smiled for the first time in a few days. “Why can’t you just play for the Canes again? It would make things so much easier.”

“If it were up to me I would, trust me, I would love to go back to Raleigh, but that’s not how hockey works, darling.” He turned me so I was facing him and kissed me on the cheek. “And speaking of that, we still need to buy a house in San Jose.”

He knew there was one thing that would always cheer me up, no matter what, and that was looking at houses.

We spent the rest of the afternoon trying to decide what we wanted in a house, and on most things we agreed (such as 2 car garage, a big kitchen with back porch, and large back yard), however, there was one thing we couldn’t decide.

“Why do we need five bedrooms?” I asked, not liking where this was going. “Four would be enough.”

“We need a guest bedroom, and the twins will need their own rooms once they get older.”

“Yeah, but they only need one room each. Unless you want us to have separate bedrooms, I don’t know what the fifth room is for.”

“It’s for… whatever. I just think we should keep our options open,” he said this last part very carefully, but I knew exactly what he meant.

“Brandon Sutter, the next time I have a child the freaking stars will have to align and there will need to be a very clear message from God instructing me to reproduce,” I was trying very hard to sound stern, and he was trying not to laugh.

“Okay,” he replied, though he did not sound at all convinced.

“I’m serious, no babies for a long, long, long time, if that.”

“I didn’t say we should! I just think we should be prepared for whatever. I mean, what if we need two guest bedrooms,” he offered, which was a legitimate explanation, but I knew his real reason behind wanting a fifth bedroom.

“You’re right, it would be nice to have an office/extra guest bedroom,” I decided to leave it at that.

I know he doesn’t actually want to have another baby, not any time soon at least, but that thought is so far from my mind I can’t even acknowledge that it’s an option.

(Honestly, I’d be okay with it just being the twins and not having another child).

We’ve narrowed it down to three houses, and have talked to the real estate agent a couple of times over the past few days, but I think we need to see them in person before we can decide.

One thing I can’t stop thinking about is the fact that Brandon’s five year contract with the Sharks all depends on how he does during the first few trial months. Unless things go horribly wrong, he should be there for at least a year.

But should we be buying a multi-million dollar house right now?

Brandon seems confident that they will sign him for the full five years, and I trust him, but I’m still a little anxious.

Sincerely,

Emme


___________________________________________________________________________

August 02, 2014

Dear Diary,

I’m writing from the sun-filled balcony of our hotel room in San Jose. I could get used to this.

And I probably should, because I’ll be living here in a few weeks.

(Weeks?!?!)

We just got back from visiting the last house and I am still torn between two. They both cost about the same (below 2 mill.) and they have the same amount of bedrooms and bathrooms. Brandon likes the house with the bigger yard, but I like the other house. The design is a bit more my style and I love the kitchen!

I’ve taken a bunch of pictures to send to his parents and my mom, who like both houses and were not very helpful.

The twins are with his parents, and I miss them so much! This is the first time I have been away from them and it’s really hard. The first night I actually cried a little so Brandon cheered me up by taking me out to dinner. He said his former teammate had recommended the place we went.

“Tyler something, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, TK,” he replied.

“I have to meet him sometime,” I replied taking sip of my water.

“Yeah, definitely; we’re probably going to see him a lot over the next couple of years.”

“You seem pretty confident that you’re going to impress them and they’ll want you for five years,” I said as our food was brought over.

He shrugged, “I just have a good feeling about this, and they’re doing a lot of team rebuilding this year, so I should be able to easily find a spot on the team and make them like me.”

He smiled, but I could tell he wasn’t actually that smug. It wasn’t like Brandon to be overconfident; it made him seem so fake.

I almost asked him about it, but I stopped, and instead inspected and slowly picked apart the salad I had ordered. I’m still trying to lose weight, and it sucks. I never hated salads until I had to eat them all the time.

-

I wonder if Brandon is acting this way because he feels like he has to. Like, now that he is a father he thinks he has to provide for us and make sure the twins grow up in the same place instead of moving from city to city as he gets traded from team to team.

I wonder if his upbringing, as the son of an NHL player, had influenced this (temporary) slight change in personality.

I asked him about it earlier today, hoping it wouldn’t upset him, but instead of denying it like I thought he would, he agreed.

“Yeah, that’s definitely part of it,” he said sitting next to me on the balcony. “I lived in Chicago until I was nine and then we moved back to Alberta, where we had spent summers. I had always considered it to be home, and Chicago was just where we lived during the season for dad’s work. I was really young when we moved to Chicago from New York, so I don’t remember that, but Mark was about four or five. He says he remembers leaving his best friend from pre-school, and then when we left Chicago he had to leave behind everyone he knew in elementary school, which is a hard time to do that. I just want what’s best for the twins, and I think they could benefit from growing up in a more stable situation.”

“That must have been so hard for both of you, and Chloe of course, but she was younger.”

“Yeah, and she’s never had a problem making friends,” he laughed. “But the other reason I want to make sure we stay in San Jose for a while is mostly because I don’t want to get traded again. I was very surprised when I got traded from Carolina to Pittsburgh, and I thought things were going okay with the Pens until, you know.”

Yeah, I knew. Until I came along and ruined whatever chances he had of becoming a long term Penguin.

“I don’t blame you or anything,” he said, realizing I was starting to look sad. “There were trade rumors as early as January about a possible trade that would send me to Vancouver in exchange for Ryan Kessler. In March when Sid found out we slept together, and he gave me that black eye, those trade rumors suddenly came back and I was sure I was getting traded again. But I didn’t, though it might have been easier if I had…” he trailed off, lost in thought. I knew his last few months in Pittsburgh had been hard on him, but he had handled it remarkably well.

I smiled, “But now we’re here, and we’re going to buy a house together for our twins, and you’ll stay a Shark until you retire.”

We’d never talked about his retirement, and I think that was the first time the topic had ever come up. I wanted to ask him what his plans were after he stopped playing in the NHL, but I didn’t.

It’s not important, not right now.

We have a house to buy, and eventually furnish and move into.

I’m looking forward to that part.

: )

Sincerely,

Emme

P.S.: I have one of the pictures of Eric and Ellie as the background on my phone. I might need to change it; I feel like crying every time I look at my phone.

Notes

I got really bored and actually started looking at houses in San Jose. I found one that would be perfect for them; I know, I'm lame. : )

Pinterest board for Emme and Brandon's house: http://www.pinterest.com/purplecrayon03/diary-of-an-unintentional-puck-slut-california/

So happy the Pens beat the Caps!! (twice!!!)