Redemption of a Puck Slut: Part II

December 8, 2014

Dear Diary,

Christmas is less than three weeks away and I have no idea what to get Sid. What did I get him last year? I don’t even remember.

The one thing I want to give him I can’t because you kind of have to have sex to make a baby, and there hasn’t been much of that lately. Ever since we visited my mom’s for Thanksgiving and he confronted me about my visit with Brandon he has been less physical with me; no hugging, kissing, or even holding my hand.

The past few days he’s seemed a bit less suspicious and even a little apologetic as he realized I hadn’t actually done anything with Brandon. I have tried hard to be the ‘perfect wife’ for him and erase any doubts he might have about my feelings for Brandon.

He doesn’t even want me visiting Geno with Teddy anymore. Instead, Caeleigh comes over to pick him up and bring him back to Geno’s, and if he wants to visit Teddy here, both Sid and Caeleigh have to be around.

I finally asked him why he was being so paranoid. Why now, not when he first found out about the twins not being his?

His answer surprised me, but it made perfect sense.

“Because if we’re trying to have another baby, I want to be positive it’s mine,” he looked embarrassed, and slightly ashamed, but at least he wasn’t scowling like he had been for the past two weeks. (In a way he’s quarantining me from other men, which is a smart move given my history).

“So,” I paused, and looked up at him hopefully. “So you do want a baby?”

“Yes, but I want to make sure it’s mine this time,” he sighed. “After everything I’ve been through with the twins… I can’t do that again.”

He stared distantly and shook his head. Carefully I inched closer and took his hand. I think it surprised him, and he almost pulled away, but he let me hold his hand for a moment.

It was nice.

I miss that. Maybe once he gets into the Christmas spirit he’ll stop being so cold.

Ugh, now I have to finish decorating the house. I bought a bunch of new Christmas decorations to make the house look festive because we’re hosting Christmas this year. His parents and Taylor, and my mom will be here, so that’s exciting.

I bought the cutest little stockings for the twins, not that they care, but they’ll look so cute hanging over the fire place.

I baked gingerbread cookies yesterday and decorated them with Caeleigh. I told her what Sid said about having a baby, and she laughed.

“Of course he’s paranoid, Emme, you have babies with two different guys. But at least he wants one, I guess that’s a good sign.”

“Yeah. This is completely my fault so I don’t know why I’m complaining, but I just don’t like seeing him this way.”

Caeleigh smiled and rubbed my arm reassuringly, “he’ll get over it soon, this won’t last forever.”

I tried to smile, but I didn’t believe her.

And I still don’t. Sid doesn’t seem to notice all of the lights and garlands and other decorations I’ve put up, or that it’s almost Christmas.

I just want him to be happy!! : (

Sincerely,

Emme


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December 15, 2014

Dear Diary,

Well, again, not pregnant. Periods are a horrible way to be told you’re not pregnant. They’re just horrible in general, and I could do without it.

But, a few days before that started, I made some progress with Sid.

Major progress. It’s either random hand holding or angry sex, but nothing in between.

I’m not complaining, at least it’s something, I just don’t know how long this is going to happen. If he actually wants a baby we should be trying a little harder to get pregnant. But I can tell he’s still going through a lot and getting over everything, and we have a lot of time to have a baby.

But anyway, we had sex. On the 10th to be exact, in case I need to keep track of this. He was so angry and dispassionate it didn’t quite feel right, but he wasn’t rough or anything. But he didn’t kiss me, or touch me any more than he had to. I kind of feel dirty, like a prostitute. But I guess that’s what I get for sleeping with his teammates.

Still trying to figure out what to get him for Christmas…

I didn’t get him a birthday present, so I’d better think of something good.

We sent out like a hundred Christmas cards and we signed them all yesterday morning. Sid is used to signing his name over and over again, but I got a hand cramp after 25 cards. I decided printing address labels was probably a good idea.

After Sid signed all of them he left for practice and I decided to send a card to Brandon. He could use some cheering up anyway. I made sure to mail them all before Sid got home; I don’t want him getting upset that I’m communicating with Brandon, even if it is just a Christmas card.

I have a feeling that Brandon is going to be sitting alone in his apartment on Christmas, and that makes me sad. At least he’ll have his house plant to keep him company. (That sounds even sadder, actually).

Caeleigh visited yesterday with Geno so he could see Teddy. She and I baked cookies while Sid and Geno did baby stuff. I swear they are the perfect couple. (I mean Sid and Geno, not Caels and Geno, though they’re cute too.) I know people write a lot of fanfiction about them being in a relationship or whatever, and I don’t mean it like that. But they are so cute playing together with Teddy and Annie that I could see where some of them are coming from.

Okay, never mind, none of that made sense. But they’re cute.

The wags visited a few days ago to watch the game. It was nice to see them again, and they all wanted to see the twins.

“They’ve gotten so big!” Mrs. Flower said picking up Annie. “What are they, like five months?”

I nodded and smiled.

“Estelle was so much bigger than this at 5 months, but she was a bit chubby,” She laughed and played with Annie.

“They’re a bit smaller than Sawyer was at this age too, but that’s probably because they’re twins,” Emily, Tanner Glass’s wife, added.

They talked about the twins and didn’t pay much attention to the game the rest of the time. They don’t know anything about Sid not being their father and I got really uncomfortable when they kept saying Teddy looked ‘just like his dad.’ Caels reassuringly smiled at me every time I looked nervous. I don’t know what I would do without her. Seriously, I think she’s the only thing keeping me from going insane (again).

I should probably get her something nicer than nail polish this year, because that’s probably what I gave her last Christmas.

I didn’t want to, but I texted Brandon yesterday. First it was just to get his address so I could mail him a Christmas card, but then it turned into something completely different. I’ve been trying to stop thinking about him, but it’s impossible when I have to see his daughter every day.

*Hey B, I have to ask you something

~yeah?

*Remember when I had you read my diary that one time?

~I knew you would end up regretting it…

*No, it’s not that, well, kind of. There was one part I forgot about, and I realized it the other day, and I just wanted to make sure you weren’t confused about it

~I think I know which part you’re talking about.

*Why didn’t you say anything when you read it?

He didn’t respond for a few minutes and I freaked out, as usual.

*Brandon?

~yeah

*?? Do you not have any reactions to that?!

~you were on crazy meds, you didn’t mean any of it

*but what if I did

Again, another pause and I freaked out.

~Are you talking about the part where you said you loved me? Because I already knew that

He knew? I wasn’t even sure that I loved him, how did he know? (I think I knew and just couldn’t admit it.)

*how did you know? I didn’t even know

~when you punched your best friend for me

Damnit he’s right. I sighed and tried to think of what the hell to say to him. I had so many questions that I really didn’t want the answer to: does he love me too, does this change anything for us, would it be possible for me to leave Sid for him….?

No. That last one, the answer is always going to be no. Until Sid kicks me out and begs for a divorce, I have to stay with him and make this work. After everything I’ve done to him he deserves better, and I can better. I think.

*B why do you always have to be right?

~sorry hun : ) and how’s my girl?

*I’m fine, thanks.

~No, my other girl.

*I know, dumbass. Annie’s sleeping right now, but I think she miss’s you. She cries a lot at night, I might have to separate her and Ted so he doesn’t wake up each time she does.

~she cries a lot?

*yeah, the doctor says she’s fine. You don’t think she knows, do you?

~Knows what? That her parents are in love but can never be together? At least she wasn’t conceived out of drunken pina colada induced lust like Teddy was.

*Hey! Don’t say that about my son. And you kind of make us sound like Romeo and Juliet, if they hadn’t killed themselves and had a baby instead.

~yeah, I wouldn’t quite say we’re star crossed lovers…

*I’m surprised you know your Shakespeare this well

~I’m pretty sure every kid had to read Romeo and Juliet in school

*True, but I’m impressed you remember it.

~whatever, Juliet. I have to leave for a game soon, will you be watching?

*Maybe, depending on when Sid gets home. He doesn’t like it when I watch your games.

~that makes me feel better, knowing you might be watching.

*you’re such a dork : )

~ps don’t kill yourself

*I won’t!

So, yeah. Now I’m going to go cry for a thousand years and try to forget all of this.

At least we’re being open about our feelings.

I should have asked him when he started liking me, and when he knew he loved me.

Then again, I don’t want to know.

That will only make it worse.

Sincerely,

Emme

Notes

This is maybe a little more depressing than I had intended because I was listening to Pink Floyd while writing this (mainly 'Wish you Were Here), sorry about that.

In the texting conversation * indicates Emme and ~ is Brandon. It got too confusing just using the * (which is how I normally write texting convo) and I didn't want to write out their names each time.

Sorry if that's confusing! But I hope you like it!!!

And thank you to everyone who commented!!