Redemption of a Puck Slut: Part II

January 9, 2015

Dear Diary,

When Sid returned from his road trip I was very anxious to talk to him about Brandon. Before I had a chance to ask him about it, Sid kissed me as soon as he got home, and things got a little crazy after that and I forgot about Brandon. He got home around 2 AM and it was probably 3:30 by the time things finished up.

“So, what was that all about?” I asked, turning over to face him. I was genuinely confused why he was suddenly so physical and passionate with me, very much unlike his recent behavior the past few months.

“If we’re going to make a baby we have to have sex,” he shrugged without looking at me.

“Yeah, but this was different,” I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly.

He thought for a minute and sighed. “I don’t know why, but the thought of you being with another man made me really… I don’t know, but it made me mad in a kind of sexual way.” He looked really embarrassed as he said this, like he was ashamed to admit it.

I tried not to laugh, because he was being cute, almost like the old Sid. “What do you mean, ‘with another guy?’ You know Brandon and I didn’t do anything, right? I couldn’t do that to you.”

Sid suddenly sat up and looked at me, and I was starting to wonder if I’d said something wrong.

“You mean you didn’t have sex?” He was starting to look angry, which really confused me.

(Why would he be mad that we hadn’t had sex?)

“Sid, what are you talking about?” I sat up and could feel my heart racing. “Did you want us to?”

He was quiet and bit his lip as he thought something over, but I started freaking out.

“Did you want me to cheat on you so you could divorce me?” I shrieked and began hyperventilating.

“No, no it was nothing like that,” he put his arm around me to calm me down, but I was still so confused.

“Emme,” he finally said after a few minutes. “I’m worried that maybe I might have problems with fertility.”

“Why?” That was the last thing I had expected him to say, but at least he wasn’t trying to divorce me.

“Because neither of the twins are mine, and we did it how many times? And for you and Geno it was just that one night, and I don’t really know what happened between you and Brandon, but don’t you think I had a higher probability of being at least one of their fathers?”

“Maybe, but that’s not how it works,” I was trying to understand where he was coming from, why he suddenly thought he had fertility problems.

“But we’ve been trying to get pregnant for how many months now?” He suddenly looked so devastated, and ashamed that this might be his fault.

“Sid, it’s okay. First, we have to have sex to get pregnant. We have to do it when I’m ovulating, and I can’t keep track of that (though I’m sure there’s an app for it). And maybe this is my body’s way of saying I’m not mentally ready to have another baby,” I explained, and he started to calm down a little. “But why did you want me to sleep with Brandon?”

“It’s stupid, I wasn’t really thinking,” he looked down and played with the hem of the pillowcase he was holding.

“Wait, did you want him to get me pregnant?”

He nodded slowly, still not looking up at me.

“Sid,” I laughed. “Isn’t that kind of what got us in all this trouble in the first place?”

“I just wanted to be able to give you what you wanted, what you needed, and I couldn’t,” he was still looking down at the pillow.

“I thought you wanted a baby? I thought I was doing this for you, so you could have your own?”

He looked up at me, and a smile twitched on his lips. “No I- you mean you were doing this for me?” He burst out laughing, giggling almost. “Emme, we are young, it’s not like your ‘biological clock’ or whatever is ticking. You’re only 24, we should be able to have kids for the next fifteen years, so I’m not in a hurry have another baby.”

Once I stopped laughing I reached over to hold his hand. “So… why Brandon?”

He shrugged. “I figured you already have one kid together, so why not? And you two seem to have some weird connection that I don’t quite understand, but I like him. And,” he paused and laughed a bit. “He has good genetics.”

“He does,” I agreed, and laughed as I mentally tried to recall the long list of Sutters that have played in the NHL. “So, no more babies for a while?”

“Can we talk about this in the morning? It’s almost 4AM, and I have practice tomorrow,” Sid said as he climbed under the covers.

I agreed, and curled up next to him. A few minutes later I could hear his light snoring, but I couldn’t sleep. I was trying to think about everything he had told me, about wanting/not wanting a baby, about Brandon, and the fact that he was worried about his fertility. The last part kind of worried me a little, but that kind of thing is manageable.

The next morning at breakfast it was kind of awkward. I could tell hadn’t intended on telling me most of what he’d said the night before, and he was pretty tired, so I left him alone. However, when he got back from practice, I had too many questions to keep quiet. He seemed to be in a good mood, so I asked him a few questions after giving him dinner (he’s always happier after eating anyway).

“So, if you’re not interested in having a baby yet, maybe I should go on the pill again?” I asked, and looked up at him hopefully.

“Are you asking permission or telling me?” (Okay, maybe he wasn’t in a good mood)

“I thought I would make sure you agreed before I went to the doctors,” I replied. “And, speaking of doctors, if you are worried about your fertility you should see a doctor.”

“Emme,” he sighed exasperatedly. “Please, we don’t have to worry about that right now. If you think you should be on the pill, then go for it. As long as it’s not the stuff you were taking last time.”

“Okay, I’ll make a doctor’s appointment tomorrow,” It was quiet for a few minutes and I didn’t like it. “How was practice?”

“Fine.”

“Okay,” I responded carefully and we went back to eating in silence.

Despite his occasional grouchiness, I think things are starting to get back to normal.

-

I went to the doctor and she set me up with a very reliable brand of birth control and told me not to worry about the fact that I hadn’t gotten pregnant the few times we’d had unprotected sex. She said it was probably just things getting back to normal after the twins and all.

I still see Elaine each week, though things are definitely okay as far as my ‘mental breakdown’ goes. She says I need to avoid stress, and the thing that causes me the most stress is actually doing stuff with the wags. They’re great, and I love them, but going out in public and having to be ‘Mrs. Crosby’ is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I don’t think I’ll get used to it. They visit often, mostly Mrs. Flower and Mrs. Duper, but Mrs. Juice came by the other day. I wasn’t expecting her so it kind of surprised me.

“Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting you,” she said after I invited her in.

“No, it’s fine, I was about to feed the twins,” I held up the two bottles in my hands. “Want to help?”

“Sure, it’s been a while since I’ve done this, so I should get some practice,” she said as she walked up the stairs to the nursery with me.

“Wait, practice…?” I turned to look at her, and she smiled. “Are you pregnant?”

“Yes,” she sighed, and I knew there was more too it, but she wasn’t the type to talk too much.

“Congratulations, that’s very exciting,” I handed her a bottle and she carefully picked up Teddy.

“I’ve always wanted a boy, and I think Jussi does too,” she said looking at Teddy closely as she gave him the bottle.

“Is he excited?”

She was quiet, and then shook her head, “I haven’t told him yet.”

“Oh,” I was a little surprised she would tell me before telling her husband, but….

“I actually was just at the doctor, and didn’t feel like going home, so I came here,” she wandered over to one of the rocking chairs and sat down, so I sat in the chair across from her with Annie. “We had a hard time with the first one, so we never planned on having another child.”

I genuinely had not heard her talk that much about her personal life ever. So, obviously, I tried to keep her talking. “So you’re nervous about telling him?”

“I guess,” she was quiet, deep in thought. “Maybe after the game though, I don’t want to bother him.”

I laughed, “Yeah, I understand. I’m always terrified I’m going to ruin Sid’s game by telling him something at the wrong time.”

She smiled, a tiny bit, but kept staring at Teddy as he slowly drank. “What was it like when you told Sid you were having twins?” She asked so suddenly it surprised me.

“Umm, let’s see…”I thought back to that night after their horrible loss to Chicago in the game at Soldier Stadium. “He was happy, even though it wasn’t something we’d wanted just then; Sid has always wanted kids. He was kind of surprised at first, because I was already like four or five months pregnant when we found out, so it was a little different. The entire thing was not really ideal circumstances, because I was living in Chicago at the time, and we’d gone through some stuff in December that made it really crazy.”

“Well, I guess your situation was a little different,” she replied with a slight smile, and returned to staring at Teddy.

“If you want to stick around to watch the game you can,” I figured I’d offer since it was almost game time, and she didn’t seem to want to leave.

“That would be fun; we could have a girls night,” she smiled and looked up from Teddy.

As much as I don’t like unexpected guests, I could tell she didn’t want to be alone. But she was fun to talk to, and she gets really excited during games and speaks Finnish, it’s kind of funny.

But that was a few days ago, so I’m sure she’s told him by now.

Now, I am watching a Flyers game, because Sid isn’t home.

And guess what? I haven’t hyperventilated or freaked out in any other kind of way. I guess maybe I’m over seeing Brandon in orange.

Sincerely,

Emme

P.S.: I can’t believe Sid wanted Brandon to be a ‘surrogate’ father or whatever. We haven’t talked about it since then, and I don’t think he wants to talk about it, but I still think it’s funny. And crazy. Should I tell Brandon? He doesn’t really need to know, but I kind of want to tell him.

Notes