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I clutched a can of beer as I sat in my childhood bedroom in Buffalo. Empty beer cans and bottles lay strewn across the floor. The room was dark, I could feel the stubble growing around my jaw. I could hear my Erica and her boyfriends playing with my kids downstairs and for the first time I had no desire to be down there with them.

"Patrick?" My Mom popped her head in the door, "Honey please come downstairs." she said sitting down on the bed next to me. I said nothing but kept my gaze locked on the floor, "You can't drown this with alcohol Pat," she said taking the half empty can from my hands. I knew I couldn't, but it numbed the pain, at least for a little while. "Honey, believe me I know how much you two loved each other." But she didn't. My Mom had no idea, how my heart beat only for Kylie, and hers for me. She didn't know how Kylie and I would lay together in our little Chicago apartment, dreaming about our future together. She didn't know how I had no idea what it meant to be in love before I met Kylie. She didn't how the two of us had shared things with each other that we had never and would never share with anyone else. And she definitely didn't know what it felt like to lose the only person you had ever known that you felt really knew you.

"Patrick" she said pulling me out of my day dream, "I know this sucks, but those three babies need you." she shut the door behind her. I lay back on my bed with my hands over my face. Tears filled my eyes, with nothing left me I slipped into a cold, deep sleep.

"Patrick?" Kylie ran her hands over my shoulders, she let out her sweet laugh, "I love you so much." "Kylie?" I said, sitting up, I looked around, soft harp music was playing the background as Kylie lied over me in a silk, white dress. We were surrounded by cherry blossom tress, in a birch tree forest. She stood up and ran through the row of trees. "Kylie!" I yelled after her. I chased her down the row of trees, I caught her in front of a gaping cliff. "Take care of our babies." she said before falling backwards into a sea of clouds. I desperately tried to reach out and grab her, screaming her name and trying to jump off myself, but something was holding me back, I turned around to see Cody, Shayne, and Emily sitting on a rock, looking angelic. "Play with us Daddy." Emily said. "Daddy, Daddy"

"Daddy, Daddy?" Emily yanked on my arm, "Daddy?" I sat up on the bed, and wiped my face with my hands. "Hi Em." I said lifting her onto my lap. "Daddy I don't want you to be sad anymore." she said wiping a tear away from my eye with her little hand. I tried to smile at her, "Daddy doesn't want to be sad anymore either." I said tucking a piece of her blonde hair behind her ear, "Daddy just misses Mommy." I said.

"Me too." she said, "But Grandma says we can talk to Mommy anytime we want and even though she can't answer us, she can still hear us."

It was unbelievable, my four year old was holding it together better than me. "No, no, no" Emily said wiping the tears away, "Daddy I don't want you to cry anymore" She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek.

I smiled at her, "Okay Emmy, no more tears."

It was at that moment that I realized I needed to pull myself together, for the sake of my kids. I showered, shaved and tried to hold my head up.

Then, I packed all my clothes, and all the kids clothes, and put our suitcases next to the door.

"Where are you going?" My Mom said coming out of the kitchen.

"I'm taking my kids home." I said, helping Emily into her jacket. "Patrick," she said, "You are in no state of mind to take care of these kids" she said pulling Cody and Shayne back under her arms.

"I am fine." I said carrying the bags to the taxi waiting outside.

I returned to the house to grab more suitcases, "Patrick you cannot leave like this now get back here."

I said nothing but picked up Emily and took Shayne and Cody's hands. As I was loading them into the taxi when I heard someone come out of the house yelling my name.

"Patrick!"

Assuming it was my mother I said nothing but continued buckling the kids into the car.

"Patrick!"

I turned around to see Erica running out of the house with an envelope, "Look," she said, "I know why you're doing this." she handed me the envelope, "This is a letter from Emily. She gave it to me on your wedding day. She said just in case anything ever happened she wanted you to know how she really felt. I love you Pat, if you need anything, you know where I am." We hugged and I put the letter in my pocket.

It would be hard to be at home, I knew that, but I couldn't take care of my kids under constant supervision of my mother, it just wouldn't work.

The kids were quiet most of the plane ride back to Chicago,and then about an hour into the trip Shayne asked, "Dad"

"Yeah" I said, coming out of a fog.

"When can we play hockey again?" he asked, looking from the window to me.

"Do you guys want to go to practice tomorrow?" I asked.

"YES" Shayne yelled, I laughed.

"Cody?" I asked, "Yeah," he said, "I guess."

Cody had taken this hard. Unlike Shayne, Cody seemed to know exactly what was going on. Out of the twins, Cody seemed to get more of the brains

We got back to the townhouse around six. I was hesitant to go inside. I knew there would be memories of Kylie everywhere.

"Why aren't you opening the door Dad?" Shayne asked as I stared at the front door, bags in hand. I fumbled over the keys before opening the door.

The kids ran inside, I was slower setting the suitcases down in the living room. I settled the kids into the couch before I climbed the stairs to what used to be Kylie and I's bedroom. I opened the door slowly. My knees buckled as I sat down on our perfectly made bed. I picked one of her t shirts up of the floor, it smelled sweetly of her rose garden perfume. I missed that smell more than anything, that and the way she used to throw her long, blonde hair back when she laughed, her bright blue eyes that glazed up at me every morning, and her big, bright smile under rosy lips that I would do anything to kiss one more time.

As I moved I hear a crinkle in my pocket. The letter. I had completely forgotten about it. I took it out of my pocket, and opened the envelope.

Patrick, my love,
Ever since the first time I met you, I knew that we were destined to be together. You know

everything about me, all my quirks and imperfections, and all the things I have never told

anyone else. I can happily say that you are and will always be the only man I love. I know we've

had our differences in the past but I honestly cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I

know our future beyond marriage is uncertain, but I promise to always stand by your side. I

know we always talked about our kids together and I can't wait to be the mother of our children

because I know you'll be a great father. I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.

You have excepted me for all that I am, and loved me for it, and for that I am truly grateful.

Since the future is always uncertain, I want you to know that no matter what happens you are

the only person I have ever sincerely loved. I love you Patrick, and I can't wait for the rest of

our lives together.

Emily

It was like when my heart was finally starting to piece itself back together that someone had shattered it all over again. I broke down in tears. It felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I sat there on our bed clutching Emily's t shirt bawling my eyes out. She was the only girl who ever truly loved me, and she was gone.

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