The Maroon Beret

-Charlie-
I’m exhausted.

The news back home is reporting the high tensions over here. I can tell this because every time I talk to Sean, he has the same worried look on his face. And every email from Janine or Johanna or anyone else is laced with worry. Much more than the last time I was on deployment. They all avoid mentioning what they’ve seen on the news, but they take backwards ways around the situation, trying to find out how I’m doing. I appreciate their concern, but I also know that the reporters don’t have the full story. They don’t know the extent to which things have gotten. I can’t bare to tell them the reality of it all, so I usually use a standard answer. I know Sean sees through it. I’m pretty sure Johanna does too. But I can’t tell either of them.

Last time we would typically see about two or three roadside bombs, a hand full of hand-to-hand combat victims, and about a dozen gunshot wounds each week. This time, we’re seeing almost triple those numbers. And the Taliban is becoming more adventurous as the weeks progress. Last week, there was a suicide bombing only a couple of miles away from our base. The fall months are fueling them, since they know we get stronger in the winter. They’re trying to make one last push before we have the upper edge. But they’re also noticing that the war is almost over. They know that we are close to a victory, and that infuriates them. That’s why they’re becoming more reckless. They’re pushing farther, crossing boundaries that they didn’t cross before.

And to top it all off, the Air Force decided to send one of the PJ squads home early. I don’t really mind that. I think it’s great that they get to go home. But it leaves the rest of us with a lot of slack to pick up. Instead of eight or nine hour shifts, we’re now working twelve to fifteen hours a day. Each call takes a lot out of you. Every night I crash as soon as my head hits my pillow, and every morning I have to drag myself out of my bed.

I’m really excited because today is supposed to be mail day. Even though I usually don’t get anything, it’s still always nice when everyone else gets packages. We’re like a family, and besides personal items, we usually share everything. Last time, one of the rookies on the squad got a bunch of cooking sauces from his mom. They were absolutely delicious. They totally spruced up the boring meat we usually get.

I watch as the mail gets handed out. My Staff Sergeant, Chris, receives a package clearly from his young daughter. The outside is decorated with pink heart stickers and a drawing of an American flag. It’s adorable. Next, a package is delivered to my good friend Steven. He opens it and finds a whole bunch of fun stuff inside, including water balloons. I know we’re going to have some fun with that. Surprising me, the next package is addressed to Senior Airman Charlotte Coleman. That’s odd. I asked Sean to send me something, but it’s only been about two weeks. It usually takes at least three weeks to receive a package. I take my time walking over to get it, and a huge smile spreads across my face when I see the fairly large box.

There are hockey stickers all over it, and someone has drawn the skyline of the city of Philadelphia along the side. I immediately know that it has to be from Brayden and Janine. She’s such a talented artist, but never really gets to show her skills. I grab the communal camera from next to the computer and snap a few shots of the outside. As I unwrap the tape from the box, the grin on my face continues to grow. Inside, I find orange wrapping paper covering the sides. Right on top is one of Sean’s team-issued shirts from last year. I pull it out and press it to my face, inhaling the familiar and calming scent.

“Ahhh, clothing from home.” Chris says. I give him a big smile. “Always the best.”

I carefully fold the shirt up and place it on my lap before checking out the rest of the box. There are a couple of letters that I take out and place next to me. I’ll read them later, when I’m laying in bed. Next, I pull out a ziplock bag filled with orange bracelets. They all say ‘Support Our Troops’ and have the Flyers logo on them. I take one out and put it on my wrist before placing the bag in the center of the room with the rest of the shared items. The next thing I pull out makes me so excited I squeal like a child, earning laughs from the guys around me. They’ve sent me a whole bunch of different Tastycakes, including my favorite krimpets. I can’t wait to eat them. There’s also an assortment of my favorite candies- kit kats, mini snickers bars, butterfingers, and more.

At the bottom of the box I find a puck. At first I’m confused, but then I see the tape around the edge, labeling it as the puck from Sean’s first career regular-season hat trick (his actual first career hat trick was a couple years ago in his rookie season during the playoffs). It surprises me, and I find myself getting a little choked up. This is a really special puck, and Sean wants me to hold on to it.

I pack everything except the bracelets back up into the box and say good night to my squad, heading back to my bunk for the night. I strip myself of my uniform and pull Sean’s shirt over my head, finally laying down in bed after a fairly long day. I grab the letters that came in my package. I see Sean’s handwriting on one of the envelopes and set it aside. I want to read his last.

The first one I open is from Fiona Timonen. Her second grade handwriting brings a smile to my face. She tells me that she misses me, and that she can’t wait until I come home. Apparently her social studies class has been talking about the different branches of the military, and she got to tell her friends all about how she knows someone in the Air Force. She only has basic knowledge about what I do, but her classmates were impressed to learn that I save a lot of people’s lives. It makes my heart swell to read that I’m actually making an impact on her life.

The second letter I open is from Janine. She mostly just tells me about what’s going on at home. The boys are playing really well, and Sean is currently the leading scorer in the league. Apparently everyone is impressed with the overall dominance he’s showing on the ice. The ladies have started planning the Flyer’s Wives Carnival already, and they’ve chosen The Wounded Warriors Project as this year’s charity. It was her idea to make the ‘Support Our Troops’ bracelets and have them as a season-long fundraiser. Apparently a bunch of players around the league have expressed their support for Sean and I, and are thinking about joining the cause as well. A couple of teams’ wives organizations have already talked to them about planning joint fundraisers, and have copied Janine’s bracelets. They are all sending their proceeds to The Wounded Warriors as well. She ends her letter by telling me how much she misses me, and all the things she has planned for when I finally come home.

I also open letters from a couple of the guys on the team, including Hartsy and Brayden. They’re a lot shorter and all pretty much say the same thing: they miss me, and can’t wait for me to come home soon. They also all mention how well Sean has been playing, and how they all joke that he’s just trying to impress me and make sure that I’m still interested in him when I come back. Like I’d ever want to be with anyone else.

Finally I only have one more letter left, and it’s the one that I know will be the hardest to read. I miss him so much it hurts. I unfold the pages of paper and take a second to admire his childish handwriting before reading it.

‘My beautiful Charlie,
I can’t help but start off by saying how much I absolutely miss you. Every day I try to find a way to ignore the gaping hole in my heart, but I just can’t help it. Some days are really good and some days are really bad and some days are somewhere in between, which I’ve learned is alright. The support group has really helped me realize that it’s okay to be happy sometimes, even though you’re not here with me. They’ve suggested that I write a letter to you every day, summarizing what’s happened. I won’t send you them all, because that’s a little overboard. But I will keep them in a safe place in case you want to read them when you come home. Some days I forget, though.

I feel like I’m writing about you like you’re dead. I hate this feeling. I miss you so much.

I know the others will probably write you a bunch of letters about how well I’m playing. They joke around that I’m just trying to make everyone else look bad so you’ll still love me when you come home. They’re kinda right. I really just want to make you proud. I can’t really explain why I’ve been playing so well. Everything has just been clicking, you know? I feel like when I’m on the ice, I can get a break from constantly worrying about you, and I have a clear head.

I guess it’s just working out well. Our bed is still lonely without you.

I have to tell you something now that I’m not too happy about. I wanted to tell you on the phone, but I’m not sure when the next time we’ll get a long time to talk is. And I really don’t want to waste time telling you this when we could be talking about something else. Something happy.

There’s this girl, Kelsi, who’s kinda been following me around lately. She cornered me at the bar one night and basically forced me to talk to her. Even after I told her that I’m engaged to the most wonderful girl in the world, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. I had to get Rinny to step in and distract her. Then when I left, she followed me out to my car. I told her straight up that I’m not interested in her.

I thought that was the end of it, but then she showed up again in the parking lot after practice. I nicely told her to leave me alone, but she ended up following me home and tried to come into our apartment. I threatened to call the police and she finally left.

G suggested that I file for a restraining order against her. I’m hoping she finally got my message, that I’m not interested and I never will be. But I promise you if she shows up again, I’m going to get one.

Baby, I don’t know what’s going to happen with her. I just get a bad feeling about it. I’m afraid she’s going to say or do something that will make you not trust me anymore. Something that will make you not want to be with me anymore. Especially since she knows where we live. I want you to know that I will not do anything with her. I have absolutely no interest in any woman other than you.

You are my one and only, Charlie. I asked you to marry me knowing that one day you would be deployed again. I knew that would mean I would have to go a couple months without you. Without any intimacy at all. And I’m okay with that. I don’t want or need to have anyone else while you’re gone. I need you to know that I am completely faithful to you.

I hope you trust me. If you aren’t sure, I know that you can talk to anyone about it. Any of the guys, all of the girls, whoever you want. They all know how much I love you and that I will never do anything to hurt you.

If you want to talk to me about this next time you call, I’ll be more than happy to tell you everything again. And if you’d like to ignore it and pretend like it isn’t happening, I’m okay with that as well. Just know that everything I’ve told you is the truth, and I’ll never hide anything from you. I promise.

This letter is probably really long by now, and you’re probably a little upset with me. Or at least with the situation.

Charlie, I can’t wait until you come home. I can’t wait until we can start planning our wedding and start a new life together. TJ and Hartsy should be having their baby soon. She’s due any day now. I can’t wait until that’s you and me. I’ve been looking at houses near Johanna and Kimmo’s, and I have a couple picked out that I think would be perfect for our future family.

I sound like such a girl. But I don’t mind. You’re worth it, Charlie.

I miss you so much. Please be safe and come home to me soon.

I love you to the moon and back.

Your loving fiancee, Sean.’

As I finish reading his letter, I realize that there are tears streaming down my face. I miss him so much. I’m a cloud of mixed emotions.

First, I’m so proud of the way he’s been playing lately. I’m glad he’s found something to focus on other than me being away, and I love that the entire league is finally recognizing just how good he is. And I’m glad he’s finding some solace in the support group. I think it took a lot of guts for him to admit he needed help, and I hope that he continues to seek their support.

Second, this Kelsi girl. Who does she think she is? She has no right trying to get with an engaged man. Especially not my man. Part of me wants to beat the shit out of her, and part of me feels bad for her. She’s clearly a needy girl who feels like she has to beg for attention wherever she can get it. But she’s never going to get it from Sean. I trust him. I know he won’t do anything behind my back. I want him to get the restraining order now, though I understand why he wants to wait. Sean is such a nice guy, he tries to see the good in everyone rather than the crazy. It’s one of the things I love most about him. But she needs to go. Maybe next time we talk I’ll tell him to go ahead and file it.

Finally, I was never the little girl who thought about what her life would be like when she got older. I always just thought about the present. I certainly never really thought about getting married and having a family. But after reading about how much Sean can’t wait to get married and have a family, I can’t help but think about it too. I’ve always known I want a big family. That’s the one thing that Sean and I have discussed. I know the houses near Johanna and Kimmo’s are fairly large, and suitable for a lot of children. For once in my life, I’m hoping that we can fill every bedroom with at least one child.

I’m not really sure what’s going to happen when I go home, but now I’m looking forward to it even more. I snuggle into my pillow and breathe in the scent of Sean’s shirt as I slowly drift off into sleep.

Notes