A
Phil and Jane fall in love and get married. They both have wonderful, well-paying jobs. They buy a nice house with a nice yard and adopt a dog. They have three children, who are all healthy, happy and perfect. Phil regularly wins the Stanley Cup and Jane gets a promotion every couple of years. Phil and Jane have a wonderful sex life, and wonderful friends. When they retire, they both find hobbies that make them happy. Eventually, they die. This is the end of their story.

B
Sarah is in love with Tyler. Tyler doesn’t love Sarah back. But she’s decent in bed and he doesn’t have to work hard to sleep with her. So Tyler uses her body for his own satisfaction whenever he wants to. Sarah always makes sure she looks nice when he comes over. She does her hair, cleans her apartment, and wears her nicest clothes. She hopes Tyler will notice how put-together she is. She hopes he’ll think highly of her, and want to make her his wife. He never notices, though. He doesn’t care.

He still fucks her, despite the fact. Because he can.

Sarah never give up. Not when her friends tell her she’s too good for him. Not when he leaves after sex without so much of a thanks. Not when she shows up weeks in a row crying, because he’s been dodging her phone calls.

But then her friends say they saw him in a restaurant with another woman. They say her name is Amber. They say he’s very nice to her. They say he held her hand and kissed her on the lips. And that’s when Sarah loses it. Not because of Amber. But because of the restaurant. And the hand holding. And the kiss on the lips.Tyler has never taken her out to dinner. He’s never held her hand. And he’s never kissed her on the lips.

So Sarah gets a large knife. She writes a letter to Tyler, telling her how much she loves him. She hopes Tyler can find peace with her death from the letter. And then Sarah plunges the knife directly into her heart.

Tyler proposes to Amber, and they continue on as in A. But with different names.

C
Danny is an older man, who falls in love with Leah. Leah is only twenty two. She has no intentions of settling down any time soon. She’s young and carefree. But she feels sorry for Danny, because his ex-wife was a horrible woman who left him to raise their three sons on his own. But Leah is also in love with a man named Patrick. Patrick is much younger, much more handsome, and much better at his job.

She’s impressed by Patrick’s skills, both at work and in bed. She also likes his nice paycheck, that lets him buy her expensive gifts and take her on nice vacations.

But sometimes, Patrick isn’t around. And Danny is. So Leah sleeps with Danny on occasion.

Danny knows, though. He knows Leah’s heart doesn’t lie with him. He knows she just feels bad for him. He knows she’s in love with Patrick. And he knows Patrick is in love with her. Everyone knows that.

Danny hates Patrick. He wants to hurt Patrick in the worst way possible.

So Danny buys a gun. He says it’s for hunting. He does live in Colorado, after all. But he never says exactly what he’s hunting for.

The next time Leah sleeps with Danny, she falls asleep next to him. Danny quietly gets up and goes to his safe, getting the gun. He shoots Leah. And then he shoots himself.

If Danny can’t have her, no one can.

Patrick, after a suitable period of mourning, marries an understanding woman named Janine. And everything continues on as in A, but with completely different names.

D
Evgeni and Sidney are each other’s best friends. They’re the best of co-workers, and they’re each other’s best man at their respective weddings. But Evgeni and Sidney have a secret. They’re in love with each other.

Often, Sidney will drive to Evgeni’s house after work and spend hours there, doing what lovers do, while their wives are out together with their children. Their wives don’t ever have a clue. Because Evgeni and Sidney are best friends. Of course they spend a lot of time together. That’s what they’re supposed to do.

Evgeni and Sidney are fucking happy.

But one day, Sidney stays really late at Evgeni’s house. Evgeni tells him it’s too late to be driving home. But Sidney doesn’t want either of their wives to find out about their affair. So Sidney drives home anyway. A drunk driver blows through a red light and hits Sidney’s car, square in the driver’s side door. Sidney dies instantly.

Evgeni is so overrun with guilt. If only he had forced Sidney to stay. If only they had come out and told their wives what was going on. If only they have never started their affair in the first place.

So Evgeni does what anyone so riddled with guilt would do. He calls his wife and tells her everything. And then, before she can get home, Evgeni hangs himself.

E
Steven and Katie are high school sweethearts. They’ve known each other since they were toddlers, running around in diapers. They have no problems what so ever. They fall in love and get married. Steven moves to Florida, where he buys a beautiful house right on the beach. But their beautiful ocean-side house gets battered by a hurricane one day. There’s so much damage that the house has to be knocked down. And dozens of people in their neighborhood are severely injured. Or killed. It’s okay, though. Because Steven and Katie weren’t home that day. They’re still alive, and they’re healthy and happy. They’re lucky. They continue on as in A, but with different names.

F
Maria and Claude live out their lives as in A. But Claude is riddled with Cancer. And despite the physical nature of his job, his body gives out at a very young age. The two fight together, side by side, until Claude dies. Then Maria devotes herself to charity work until she joins him. She’s respected as a leader in Cancer awareness and fundraising.

G
If you think this is all ridiculous, it might be. But it can also be even more ridiculous.

Tyler is in love with Sarah, but is betrothed to Amber. Danny’s ex-wife comes back into the picture and rekindles their relationship, leaving Leah so desperate to have Danny back that she’s the one who buys the gun. Evgeni is secretly a Russian spy sent to destroy America from the inside out. Steven and Katie are in their house when the hurricane hits and they have to hang on to each other for dear life as the winds pummel their home. Claude beats his Cancer, but his body is so worn down that he can never return to work again, leaving him angry and impossible to live with.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how ridiculous the tale is. It doesn’t matter what happens from the beginning to the end. Because every story ends the same way.

Phil and Jane die.
Tyler and Sarah and Amber die.
Danny and Leah and Patrick and Janine die.
Evgeni and Sidney and both of their wives and all of their children die.
Steven and Katie die.
Maria and Claude die.

There’s an old joke some people like to play. When someone is reading a book or watching a movie or a television show, the other person says “Oh, they all die in the end anyway.” Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes it’s not. But it’s always true, whether that ending is depicted or not.

So much for happy endings.

Notes

I recently had to read "Happy Endings" by Margaret Atwood for my english class.

I was so inspired that I had to write my own twist on it. Using NHLers, of course :)
Obviously this is all fiction.