Knocking on Ben’s door in the middle of the day was a brand new occurrence. There was natural light coming in from the windows on each end of the 20th floor hallway. The paint on the doors looked a little brighter and the numbers were a little shinier. No more than six hours had passed since I last saw Ben. He dropped me off at the ranch before he went to practice. I tracked bass for about an hour and a half after lunch and then my contribution in the studio was over (it was the last song, one of Rich’s songs).

So why was I right back downtown? The Oilers were back on the road in two days, and my band was gone in nine days, which meant that Ben and I were done in two days. But first the Oilers had a home game against the Chicago Blackhawks, the team that Ben won a Stanley Cup with. We weren’t going to have sex tonight, the night before game day, and tomorrow he was going out with his friends from the visiting team after the game, no matter which team was victorious. This afternoon was basically an insurance policy—to make sure that we slept together a few times before we couldn’t anymore. We were going to end our fling the way that we started it, fucking each other.

He answered the door without a shirt and with a pair of team-issue blue shorts slung low on his hips. I’d given his key back this morning, so I couldn’t just walk in. I didn’t mind at all though when Ben greeted me like this. He even had two day old stubble and looked like he was going to pounce. The rougher around the edges, the better.

Ben stood parallel to the wall as he held the door open for me and greeted casually, “Hey.”

I smirked and ran my hand down his abdomen before I slipped out of my shoes. “Hey yourself.”

After our talk two nights ago, we were back to usual. The sex was hot and the conversation was minimal. Ben traced over my tattoos until we fell asleep and we woke up cuddling in the morning. We were back in the safe zone where I preferred. Just lust. Just the present.

It wasn’t long before we were making out once we were further inside the apartment. The curtains were drawn to let in the sun’s warmth on a chilly autumn day and I stepped in front of the breakfast nook to look out at the view of the downtown core that surrounded us. Ben moved fast, pulling me towards him and cupping my face in his hands as our lips met. He walked me backwards until I was pressed up against the wall, kissing me all the while. I smiled into the kiss and accepted his tongue into my mouth while I swept my hands over the wide frame of his back.

There was nowhere to go. His kisses were demanding and hungry, and I barely had room to breathe. I liked it. Ben picked me up by my thighs, just under my bottom, and held me in place so I wouldn’t have to keep struggling to stay up on my tiptoes. It brought us closer to each other and I tried to grind against him in appreciation. That prompted him to tighten his grip and move the ministrations of his mouth to my neck. I closed my eyes and sighed contently, taking in the moment. If our last time was going to be up against a wall, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.

Ben’s hot breath tickled my skin as his tongue and bottom lip slid along just under my chin. “Delia,” he spoke my name raggedly. “I don’t want to break up.”

My eyes flew open. “What?”

“I don’t want to break up,” he repeated, moving away from my neck and looking back at me.

“Ben…” I trailed off because there were a million things on the tip of my tongue in reaction and I wasn’t sure which one to say.

He set me down on my feet carefully and then took a step back before rushing his words, “I know we’re not really together, but I want to be. I don’t want you to disappear forever. I don’t want to be casual. I don’t want to wait. I want to try this, us. I don’t just want to give up without trying.”

“Ben, you said—”

“I don’t care about what I said,” he cut me off. “This is what I really mean. This is me putting myself out there because I want to be with you.”

“Be with me?” I sighed and tried to pull some logic into the conversation. “We have demanding occupations, Ben. When would we be with each other?”

“Whenever we can,” he shrugged, like it was easy.

“Whenever we can?” I shook my head in disbelief and stepped away from the wall. “I don’t want to be in a long distance relationship. That’s not a relationship. I can’t deal with that.”

“Is it because you don’t trust me?” Ben wondered. “I’m not like the young, single guys in the league. I wouldn’t see anyone else and I don’t sleep around on the road.”

I shook my head. His faithfulness was the furthest thing from my mind. “It’s because of everything we already talked about before. And I already told you, I’m not going to change who I am or where I’m going. I can’t be the girl you need me to be.”

We’d already had this discussion. He told me that he understood. Now he was singing a different tune.

“Not once have I ever suggested that I want you to be anyone other than yourself, Delia.” Ben argued. “And for the record, I think you are exactly what I need. The kind of person that I’ve envisioned myself with, that I’ve groomed in my mind…she couldn’t hold a candle to you.”

My emotions bubbled up in my throat. He didn’t just give me a compliment. He gave me a confession. It wasn’t exactly out of left field since I knew that I’d fallen for him. I liked him, I had feelings for him, and part of me wanted to start something new with him.

But I’d decided to set those things aside because all logic led me to believe Ben and I wouldn’t work out, so it wasn’t worth the grief. Maybe I was impulsive and casual about hooking up but I was deliberate when it came to an actual relationship. There was a whole other person to consider, not just my own black heart.

I knew that our time together meant to Ben what it meant to me. He’d told me that much. He’d told me that he wanted to try with me but he hadn’t forced the issue. I thought that, overall, he agreed with me and he did so for self-preservation. If neither of us made a move then no one would get hurt.

He’d just rocked the boat. My nerves were shot. I never wanted to hear the things he’d just said. And now this was going to hurt a lot.

“How long have you felt this way?” I wondered.

“A while,” he admitted without hesitation. “When you started letting your guard down. When you started opening up to me. Every time you tell me that you’re attracted to me and you like me, I fall a little more, even if you remind me that we’re just a temporary, fleeting thing.”

When I started letting my guard down? It’d been a month since I opened more than my legs to Ben. It’d been almost a week that we’d amped up our non-relationship so that everything was real.

“How could you just keep your feelings to yourself?” I demanded, reshaping my initial question. “I wouldn’t have agreed to go on like this if I knew. I didn’t want to lead you on, Ben.”

“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. If I told you, you would have cut me out of your life weeks ago. I like being with you, Mins. I didn’t want to spend all my nights sleeping alone if I could spend them alone with you.” Ben shuffled his feet against the wooden floor until we were face to face once more. “And you didn’t lead me on. How could you, when we keep reiterating how much time we have left? I just…I thought I could change your mind.”

His words cut right into me. The growing lump in my throat made it hard to breathe. “Oh, Ben, I…” I wheezed out without being able to complete a sentence.

This much honesty was more than I could handle. I didn’t want to be the reason Ben was miserable. He would be more lonely than when I’d found him and it was my fault. We were both so much better than that. He deserved better and I wasn’t that cruel.

“It’s pretty simple, Delia. I’m in love with you.” Ben took a few steps until he was close enough to reach me but kept his hands to himself. “I think you feel the same way about me, too.”

He wasn’t off base by much, but I wouldn’t admit to that. I’d fallen for him. If I fell any further I would be in love. Falling for him was troublesome enough, a part of me wanting him but a bigger part of me knowing that a relationship with each other wasn’t what was best for either of us. I didn’t want to fall any further. I would fall in love with him if I let him talk me into it. And I would be the one most hurt when it didn’t work out.

I could feel Ben’s stare, daring me to look up at him. He’d just dropped his biggest revelation, his biggest burden, on me. Love. The word was still ricocheting in my chest. My vision started to blur. The tears were forming. “Nothing is that simple,” I retorted and kept my gaze to the floor.

“I think you’re scared,” he pestered me. “Because I would be a wrench in your plan. It scares you that the person who can even you out isn’t from the time or place that you expect.”

“I don’t want to build something just so we can tear it down. I want to be present for my relationship. But I don’t want to be in one place for too long. I love my band. I love being on tour. There’s no realistic chance for us.” I sighed and looked up at Ben. “We wouldn’t work.”

Roscoe was out of the woodwork of his favorite hiding place. He was at our feet, circling us like his territory and weaving in and out of the space as he rubbed up against our legs. The small animal was a minimal distraction, but not enough to ease any tension.

Ben wasn’t afraid to stare back at me. He blinked normally against the heaviness of our conversation. His eyes were as blue and crystallized as the first morning I’d woken up beside him. His jaw was set sharp and discontent. “You’re not going to change your mind, are you?”

He was right. I wasn’t. My heart was set on my independence and, at the moment, that didn’t involve rearranging the life I lead.

“No,” I whispered my response.

The bleak reality of my personal life made me feel doomed. My relationship with Rich had worked because we never had to commit to each other long distance. We’d been around each other all the time. We were so much like each other. I never had to miss him or worry about him. I’d never had to worry about anything in our relationship…until it started to fizzle out.

Ben was completely different from Rich and completely different from me. We were fire and the ocean floor colliding. I enjoyed his company and our time together. He was also under 30 and ready to settle down. I knew he didn’t mean it when he’d said the other day we could just go on, undefined, as we were. I’d been right. He wanted a full-fledged relationship. But how could I be in a relationship that I wasn’t going to be around for?

So I couldn’t be with someone that I was good friends with whom I was around all the time. I couldn’t be with someone that I was rarely going to see. There was no way to win. I was doomed until I decided I wanted a change of pace from my band life, which I didn’t see happening anytime soon. I was going to be single for a long time.

The expression on Ben’s face broke my heart and sent a tear down my face. “I don’t want to hurt you, Ben. Seems like I already did.”

He took a step back from me and shook his head. “So why are you the one crying?”

His question was the last straw that sent me over the edge. A sob escaped my throat as salty tears went streaming down my face in a hurry. I wiped at my eyes furiously and tried to keep composure. I didn’t want to be a crying mess in front of Ben. I didn’t want him to see how I could be broken down.

I’d been in a few serious relationships in my life. I’d been in exactly one serious adult relationship, with Rich. It took me half a year to get over what I lost when we broke up. I felt like it was going to take me a really long time to get over Ben. Maybe just as long. Ben wasn’t my best friend and I hadn’t committed to him for two years. We never even dated in the short time that we’d known each other. But he was him. He was what could be in the future. He was different than what I was used to. He was a romantic. He was in love with me.

Ben put his hands on his hips, accentuating the muscles in his biceps, before he spoke again. “Let’s not see each other anymore.”

“What?” my neck and my gaze snapped up to meet his.

“It was only going to be for a few more days anyway,” he reminded me. “Let’s just call it off now.”

Just because we weren’t going to be together, it didn’t mean I wanted to forfeit our final plan. A whole week of us being with each other for real—I still wanted that. I still wanted a proper send-off. We had two more days to at least hang out and be friendly. Ben’s suggestion was so bitter.

“Ben—” I started to argue but he cut me off as he continued.

“I don’t want to see you anymore knowing the end. I thought I could handle.” Ben shook his head. “I was wrong.”

He was serious. I could tell by the look in his eyes and his body language that he was serious. Ten minutes ago we’d been about to have sex. Now Ben wanted me out of his sight. This wasn’t how I wanted to end things. I didn’t want him to be upset. But now we were both upset.

“Please don’t do this,” I begged.

Wow. I was the one leaving him behind. I was the one who’d decided it wasn’t worth it to suffer for a relationship that was destined to fail. Yet somehow I was asking for more time before we ended our autumn fling. I wasn’t ready to be done.

Ben removed his hands from his hips and sighed. I saw his jaw clench for a second. His eyes of crystal blue bore holes into me. His hushed words cut even deeper. “Make sure Roscoe doesn’t get out when you leave.”

A gasp fell from my lips when he turned his back and started walking away from me, and then another when I heard the slam of his bedroom door. I didn’t have the time to react and try to stop him. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. That was it. Ben and I were through.

I was standing in the middle of the apartment and he was just in the other room, but the message was clear. I couldn’t knock down his door, not for just two more days. There was not a kiss or a hug or goodbye. It was just…over.

The feeling was raw. My vision was cloudy when I looked down at Roscoe. He was still on the ground at my feet, rested on his belly, tail swishing every now and then as he looked out the window at the city. I crouched to the floor and he looked at me boldly when I picked him up. My bottom lip started to quiver when I was holding him in front of me.

I exhaled, willing myself not to cry again. The cat looked at me curiously before I pulled him in close. I scratched under his chin for a while, which I knew he loved, and then I kissed his neck.

“Bye, Roscoe,” I whispered sadly into his fur. He didn’t follow me to the door.

I made it as far as the building lobby before I broke down. I sat on one of the armchairs and the tears came in full force. Hell bent on ending our time together on my own terms, I hadn’t prepared for Ben to be the one to cut me loose. He didn’t let me down easy either. In my mind, I could still see the frustration in his eyes before he’d walked away. It was probably exactly how he should have treated me, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

It hurt. It hurt all the way home to the ranch, sitting on the bus. Not only did I not get to end with Ben on my own terms, I didn’t get to end on good terms either. Nothing about it felt good. I wanted so badly for Ben to be cool with everything. He had been all along. He lied to me about the way he felt, but that didn’t make him the bad guy. He was just being himself—a romantic with a heart of gold. His fatal flaw was that he was a great guy who expected too much from me and I had to deal with the guilt of hurting him.

The walk to the studio from the bus stop was long as I tried to compose myself. I was wiping away more tears just before I entered the barn. The lights were on and I could hear voices from the live room. I made a beeline for the stack of our gear in the corner of the room once I was in there. My back was to my friends as I dropped my bag on the floor and went for a guitar case.

“Hey.” It was Anthony who was first to acknowledge my presence.

Without turning around, I responded, “Hey, guys.”

“I didn’t know what time you were gonna get here,” Rich spoke directly to me, joining the conversation. “Tony and I thought we would set up so that we would be good to go.”

Rich and I still had to play and record our last acoustic cover. I’d told him earlier that we would do it later, when I got back from Ben’s. I was actually a little early. Crying was no good for singing and I had the lead on the song. I wondered if Rich would be mad that my voice might be a little off. Thinking that made me feel like I was going to start crying again.

Internally, I told myself to toughen up. I strapped my acoustic guitar over my shoulder and walked over to the center of the room.

“I’m here now.” I strummed at the steel strings once with my thumb. “Just let me tune and then we can start.”

My gaze was fixated on a single spot in front of me but I knew both guys were looking at me.

Rich uttered my name gently, “Delia—”

“I’m fine,” I cut him off, but the tremor in my voice gave me away.

“You’re clearly not fine,” he pointed out the obvious. “What’s going on?”

I shook my head emphatically as tears started brimming in my eyes. “Just give me a minute to tune, okay?”

“No, stop. Just stop for a minute.” Rich put a hand over the strings at the hollow part of the dreadnought. “We don’t have to start right this second. You’re upset.”

“I want to play,” I said with gritted teeth.

“Uh, guys…” Anthony cleared his throat, prompting Rich and me to both look in his direction. “The camera’s ready. You know what to do. I’ll be in the house if you need anything. Just text me.”

Anthony couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. He hightailed out of the room like his pants were on fire. I was left alone with Rich, who wouldn’t leave me alone. Of course he wouldn’t. He was a better friend than that.

“It’s just us now, Deels.” Rich let go of the guitar and I picked up the monster cable that was placed on top of the stool behind a microphone before I took a seat. “Talk to me.”

My eyes did a quick scan around the room out of impulse, to give me a moment longer before I had to say my predicament out loud to someone else. Most of Grant’s studio gear was out of sight: covered up or packed back in its rightful storage space. The gear in the room was mostly ours, just what we needed for a few more days. We really were almost gone. After the album was mastered, Edmonton would be a memory. I guess after today, Ben already was.

“Everything with Ben and me is done. It’s over,” I told Rich.

My best friend took his own seat at the baby grand piano, which was the lone instrument of Grant’s gear that had been wheeled into the middle of the room for the song we were covering. “I thought you said it wasn’t serious?”

“It’s not. I mean, it wasn’t. But I…it…” I trailed off and pursed my lips. I took a deep breath. “It didn’t end well.”

“I’m so sorry, Delia.”

Rich was still Rich. He was my true friend no matter what. I knew because he showed concern for me when he really shouldn’t. I’d told Parker all along, and I’d told Rich recently, that the time I spent with Ben wouldn’t be a big deal when it ended. It was my responsibility to live up to my word. My drama wasn’t supposed to be a concern for anyone else in the band. Still, the expression on Rich’s face was one of sympathy.

“If you want to talk about it or, or if you want to talk to Parker, you can. Really, we don’t have to do this right now,” Rich continued, motioning around us. “The song can wait.”

Putting off the song wouldn’t change anything. Putting off the song wouldn’t help me forget. I had exactly what I’d chosen and I had to accept the fallout. Ben walked away from me before I could do any more damage on his heart. I chose music and myself over a relationship with Ben because it was what I thought was right. I did still believe that.

“No.” I answered Rich firmly. “Let’s play.”

Fin.

Notes

Extended Chapter Notes

There it is. True to the summary page, it didn't end well. I feel very strongly that this was the appropriate ending.

...at least for now. Surprise! There's going to be a sequel. I don't know if it's something that you ladies would be interested in reading, but it is definitely happening. I'd like to have a large chunk of it written before I start posting so realistically you'll see the first chapter in December or January. If you stay subscribed to this story, I believe you will get a notification when the sequel begins.

Between now and then I have some short stories to share. Here's the link for the first, a one-shot I'll be posting in a few weeks, if you'd like to subscribe.

Thank you so much to all that have read, subscribed, commented, and rated this story! More than Islands and more than Shell Games, this is the hockey story I always wanted to write. I never expected to get as much positive response as I did, and I'm so grateful that I did. Your feedback is always greatly appreciated. Thank you.