Maybe the biggest thing that brought me to snowboarding was the sensation of being able to fly. When talking to other boarders, often times they would say that they felt like those moments in the air seemed so brief and then they were back on the ground. For me, these moments were endless perfection. It was the ability to fly, be free, to be without restriction or fears. I could trust in the things I was sure of: myself, my board, the powder. Throughout everything, these three things had never changed.

However, before I was really able to learn how to fly, I had to learn how to fall. One of the biggest reasons why I had never had any real injuries before the ankle and rib incident was because of how often I practiced falling. When I was little and first learning the sport, back when my mother was hesitant about it all, I spent hours upon hours learning how to fall. It’s not the body’s natural reaction to relax when one is falling, instead, the natural reaction is to tense up, to fight the fall. That’s how you get hurt.

Flying and falling go hand in hand. That was what I was learned very early on. But I preferred flying. I wasn’t about to fall.

At least that is what I kept telling myself.

But not this time.

I was off of the jump and already in rotation when everything came together in my head. And it was all because of some damn sponsorship logo for Hurley flag.

Hurley. Hurl. Hurling.

I’d thrown up just that morning. It wasn’t just that; it was the upset stomach for weeks now. And my mood--my ridiculous irrational up and downs. And when was the last time I had--?

The ground was approaching much too fast. Reaction kicked in and I felt my body relax the split second before I hit the ground.

My landing was hard.

There was a loud snap which I felt resonate throughout my body.

I tumbled down a couple more feet through powder before I slowed to a stop on my side. I didn’t move. My entire body hurt, but nothing felt like it was in incredible amounts of pain. But the lack of pain could be because I was in shock or denial. Denial that my dreams were now over. The Olympics were now over. Not because of this new injury but because....

But first, what was broken?

Ever so carefully, I went through all 10 fingers and 10 toes, wriggling them to make sure I had function. Not only did I have function, there were no immediate sharp pains coming from the process. Next, I rolled slowly over from my side to my back. Again there was no pain as I performed this slight movement, so it seemed that my ribs were still intact as was my back. As I made this bigger more visible movement, I could both feel and hear the entire crowd exhaling in relief. Relief that I was actually alive. Everything seemed functional and nothing was causing me agonizing pain. Even more slowly than when I rolled over, I sat up, confused as to what body part was not going to move. My feet moved apart easily as I made this movement.

Wait.

I began to laugh almost hysterically in relief realizing that it was my board that was broken and not any body part. Boards could easily be replaced, bones could not be fixed and retrained this close to Sochi. I was pretty sure I would have some monster bruising all over, but other than that my body was fine.

And then I remembered the reason I fell.

Everything would not be fine.

Still down, I unclipped my bindings and slipped my feet out before ripping off my goggles and helmet. Taking those pieces of the equipment along with the two pieces of my board, I gingerly stood up and headed off to the side of the course to wait to be picked up by the emergency crew that I knew was heading in my direction.

The crew brought me straight to the med tent for my check up. The doctors and I went through the protocol quickly. I might have spoken five words during the entire check up. They confirmed that I was fine, just would have some ugly bruises in different areas.

I quietly withdrew from the competition, claiming stiffness and soreness from the fall. I knew my withdraw would spark gossip throughout the boarding community that I’m not actually ready for the Olympics yet. That I’m not healed, and that the fall injured me more. But I just didn’t care. This was just a practice run; it didn’t count towards qualifying towards Sochi and I didn’t care about the prize money. Without any real explanation to anyone including Jen, I quietly packed, and took a cab to the airport. The seven hour direct flight ahead of me seemed daunting, but I knew that it would have me in Pittsburgh by the morning.

---

I stood cautiously in the middle of the driveway staring up at the giant brick house. It had grown so incredibly warm and inviting over the last several visits, but now, it just stood imposing, empty, and almost threatening.
Taking a deep breath, building up my nerve, I headed toward the front door. It was locked. He wasn’t home. I finally exhaled and turned around to make my way to the garage. I slid open the garage pad to key in the number, 9687, without hesitation. It was a number I’d been told months ago. A number I had teased Sid about; true, Taylor’s birth year was sweet, but the 87? His response was logical, to him, as he threw me over a shoulder and dragged me upstairs, both of us giggling the entire way.

I felt my lips tremble slightly.

It all felt like an entire lifetime ago. A life that was too good to be true. A life that couldn’t be a real life. A life deep down I knew couldn’t and wouldn’t last.

Sidney’s Range Rover was missing from its normal spot. I hadn’t texted or called to let Sidney know I was coming so it wasn’t like I was expecting him to be there to welcome me. My phone had remained off since before my fall. I couldn’t yet face all of the questions about my sudden disappearance.

I shut the garage door before opening the door to the house. I dragged my stuff into the foyer and dropping it all in front of the door before taking a seat on one of the steps with the seemingly harmless brown paper bag next to my feet.

Time passed in a strange way as I sat there waiting. I knew some a great amount of time had past because the sun had gone down, but it had only felt like a few seconds as I stared, unmoving, at the bag.

Finally with the sound of the garage door opening again, I knew Sidney was back.

Also, I knew I had my mind more then set.

Sidney wasn’t quiet as he entered the house. He moved around the other room clattering things around in what sounded in an aggressive manner.

And then Sidney stopped.

“Lily?” the surprise in Sidney’s voice was overwhelming. He was still far away, my guess was that he saw my bags from the other room.

“I-uh, let myself in,” I called back, not looking up from the brown paper bag I had been staring at since I had sat down.

“Lils, Jesus Christ. I--we, we all were watching and saw you fell and I kept trying to call and you weren’t picking up. And Jen had no idea where you went. No one could find you,” his voice was angry. Angry and growing much closer toward me. I had to look up.

I did.

“Lily?” Sidney was striding across the room, his arms reaching out expecting me to melt into them like I had done so many times over the last several months whenever I’d seen him. It felt like something in my chest broke, but I didn’t understand what it was. He was clearly furious but at the same time.... It just made no sense to me.

But.

But, I couldn’t touch him.

I shook my head, hoping he would understand.

Sidney saw the rejection and stiffened.

“Lily?”

I thought I was going to throw up. Not because of, it, but because of this, everything would change. Everything had changed. I had to tell him. But the words weren’t coming out of my mouth. So I did the next best thing.

Slowly, I leaned down to take the brown paper bag off the step, then I reached across the distance between us to hand it to him. Sidney took the bag carefully from me with a confused expression.

“What’s this?” He asked as he opened the bag to look inside. He pulled out the pink and blue box that was decorated so disgustingly cheerful it made me want to vomit even more. Though, I guess most people were supposed to be happy about this sort of thing so it was kinda meant for it to be decorated as such.

Sid turned the box over clearly not understanding as he looked at the obnoxious item.

And then he understood.

And then Sidney visibly paled.

“Are you?” he choked on the words as they came out.

I shrugged my shoulders and barely was able to breathe out, “I am late.”

Sidney didn’t say anything. I was sure he was thinking about all of the implications of the three little words I had just spoken. ‘I am late’. In its normal context, it wasn’t such a big deal.

Now, he was probably thinking about his future, his career, his family, his life, maybe even my own career and future. Well, probably not mine.

“Okay, alright, okay.” now he softly saying as he nodded his head as if trying to understand what exactly was going on.

He fell silent again and that silence hung very awkwardly. I knew he was trying to think through this potential bomb I had just dropped on him out of nowhere.

But he needed to know something before he thought through things.

“If I am,” I broke the silence standing up and standing tall, my voice so very different than the hushed cracked words mere moments ago, “I am keeping it.”

The silence was heavy, though I knew I had to continue.

“You don’t need to be involved with it. I won’t hold you accountable for anything. I don’t have any expectations. I just know.... It’s just that--the man who got my mother pregnant didn’t want me. Mom never specifically told me that, but it was pretty obvious. But mom did. She gave me a chance, and I wouldn’t be here without that chance. Without her.”

Sid looked like he was about to say something, but I held up a hand and continued.

“And snowboarding can wait. Will wait. This isn’t like the foot. It’s not because I did something stupid and will miss my chance to medal again. There will be other Olympics. There won’t be other, other,” my voice drifted into silence as I lost what words I had.

Once again Sidney looked to be on the verge of speaking, but I was about to lose my nerve.

“I’m going to--” again I couldn’t finish the sentence, so I just took the box out of his hands and headed quickly into the bathroom.

I went into the bathroom and followed the instructions to the exact detail. I set both the tests I took face down on the counter. I washed my hands in what felt like slow motion and then dried my hands before setting a timer on my phone. Maybe I should just stay here in the bathroom for the next couple of minutes? I glanced at the little sticks sitting oh so innocently on the counter and fled from the bathroom.

When I opened the door, I saw Sidney was sitting on the floor across from the door waiting for me. He was sitting with his chin resting on his arms which were resting on his knees and he was staring intently up at me. I gulped, which I was sure he could hear as I chose to slide down to the ground across from him as I shifted my eyes away from him.

“So, I guess the real question is,” Sidney cleared his throat, “is whether our baby will compete for Canada or the United States?”

My head snapped up and I stared at Crosby unsure if he had actually said that or I was also going insane as well as potentially being pregnant.

“Did you--did you really just say that?” I asked earnestly as I stared at the man sitting just a few feet across from me.

“I did,” he replied calmly as I continued to stare at him now with my mouth open slightly and eye bulging slightly. Sidney’s eyes were filled with anxiety and fear, but there was something else there. Excitement? No, that couldn’t be right. But the curl of the right corner of his mouth was up. I think I was actually going insane.

“You really just asked if the baby would compete for the States or Canada?” I tentatively asked. My tone seemed to say I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be true or not.

“I did,” he repeated those two little words. Now there it was, that definitely was the smallest of smiles on his face.

“And you really think that should be the primary concern at the moment?” I asked dumbfounded at Sidney’s seemingly lack of concern of the bigger issue presented in front of him and myself at the moment.

“Lily,” Sidney sighed, sliding his legs down so they were now straight out in front of him. I think he was trying to make his body as open as possible, “Why wouldn’t I want to be a part of our baby’s life? And for the record Lily, our. Our baby. Not just yours. Not just mine. Ours. Together. It takes two to create a new human life. Maybe your father was too stupid to realize the incredible gift he was given when you were born, but I’m not. This--this would easily be the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Better than being drafted. Better than winning an Olympic gold medal. Even better than winning the Stanley Cup.”

Sidney and I grew into an uncomfortable silence again, the implications of his words hanging between.

‘He said having a baby with me would be better than winning the Stanley Cup,’ was all my brain could chatter repeatedly.

I just couldn’t--

My phone beeped to let us know it was time to check the tests. Quickly I turn it off but neither of us made a move to actually go find out what it would say. Sidney seemed like he had a lot he wanted to say before we found out. And I found myself needing to find out what he was going to say.

“For the first time in my life, I could actually see myself asking a woman to spend the rest of our lives together. And not just because she may be pregnant with my child. Lily, I could see myself marrying you because I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. And only you. But I’m going to promise you right now that if this is actually happening, if you are pregnant, I won’t propose any time soon. I know that’s not what you’d want, and it’s not what I’d want either. When I do ask you to marry me, it will be organic and true. It will be at the right time and place with all of the people we care about with us. And it will not be because we’re going to be parents together.”

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I knew for sure that I had never seen Sidney so serious in my life.

“Marriage... God, that isn’t even the main point here. The main point is... Lily Rivers, please don’t think for just a moment that I would ever abandon you or our child.” Sidney finally finished.

I stared at him.

And just like that the walls came down. I don’t remember moving across the hall or climbing into his arms or even exactly when the tears started streaming down my face. Sidney just held me close rubbing circles on my back.

“The States,” I sighed softly after a while.

“Mmm?” I heard the rumble from his chest at the same time as I felt his lips on the top of my head.

My eyes crinkled slightly as I couldn’t help the small smile that broke across my face, “The baby would definitely chose the States over Canada.”

His chuckle caused a warm feeling to spread throughout my entire body. I felt, safe. I felt more safe and sure than ever before in my life despite the terrifying circumstances.

“You wish,” Sid muttered into my hair.

It was way past time to check the test, but I wanted to stay here, just for a moment longer. Just a few seconds longer in this perfect place before we were faced with reality. Sidney seemed to know I was stalling, so he got up, pulling me up quickly afterwords. I tentatively headed to the door and pushed the door open.

The plastic tests were sitting there waiting for us as we came into the bathroom. It felt oddly like an out of body experience as I reached out for the tests. My head told me to turn the pieces of plastic over, but my hand didn’t move. But I couldn’t. My hands were holding it facedown and I couldn’t flip it over.

I saw one of his hands coming up through my peripheral vision at the same time I felt the other snake around my waist to hold me.

“Together?” Sidney’s voice was soft and unsure and I knew it was asking me more than just to flip over this little plastic test which would tell us what the future held.

“Always.” I whispered.

We seemed to both take a deep inhale at the same moment before we flipped our hands over together.

---

“Non-fat carmel latte?”
I glanced up from my phone and saw the steaming cup in front of me before I looked up a bit higher at the person offering me the little peace of heaven.

“Uh, not mine. Can’t drink coffee,” I smiled at the conference room attendant wistfully wishing it was actually my drink.

“It’s mine,” said a sharp voice coming up next to me.

It was Bethany. She scooped up the coffee and took a small sip, only slightly making a face which clearly read, ‘Why the hell did I leave New York?’

“You know, you didn’t have to come,” I was pretty proud that my voice had only dropped a few degrees colder than it was just prior.

“I know,” Bethany’s voice was much softer, almost gentle.

There was a pause between us.

“How is Crosby handling everything?” Her tone definitely wasn’t as judgmental as I expected it to be.

“Great,” I answered. It was the truth. More or less. It’d been a week since I had left Pittsburgh and it felt like life was moving a speed or two faster than normal. But despite the changes, things were good. Albeit slightly awkward at moments.

Bethany was looking at me like she wanted to say more, but luckily an attendant came over.

“Ms. Rivers, we are ready for you now.”

“Great,” I repeated myself. It was a word I had been saying a lot lately, why stop now? I thought to myself as I smiled, standing up.

The attendant opened the door to the conference room and I walked in.

“I would like to announce and congratulate Lily Rivers on being,” Director Michaels said into the microphone, “named captain of the 2014 USA snowboard team we are sending to the Sochi Olympics this coming February.”

I smiled as I made my way up to the table set up facing all of the press. When I finally reached Director Michaels, we shook hands, paused facing all of the flashing cameras before we both sat down at the table.

“She and I will be answering your questions now,” Director Michaels added.

I glanced to the first reporter.

“Lily, how does it feel to be heading to your third Olympics and how does it change now that you will be competing in two events and as the captain?”

I blinked at the ridiculous question for a second, “Every chance I have to represent the United States is an incredible experience. And as always I hope I will be able to do the best I can to meet the expectations of this country both leading our team and as a competitor.”

“So you weren’t injured at all in your fall?” The next reporter asked

“A statement going into more detail was released which can be found on our website,” Director Michaels intercepted the question for me, “But again, Ms. Rivers is suffering no lingering effects from that fall.”

What Director Michaels wasn’t including was that I had been diagnosed with amenorrhea from taking everything a little too far. My caloric intake was too low and my body weight had shot down too low from my normal base. Thus why I was feeling so sick and the missed period.

“So there isn’t any worry of flight risk if there is another fall?” a reporter asked.

Internally I bristled, externally I smiled nicely, “At the time, I didn’t want to push a non-qualifying competition. Thus withdrawal was a better option for me.”

“How will you handle the difference in the amount of your personal support in this Olympics versus prior experiences?”

‘You mean how will my mother being dead affect everything? Why don’t you say hello to the past world champ awards sitting--’ I hushed my brain keeping the smile on my face before answering, “I don’t think the USSA is worried about that and neither am I.”

“We have full confidence in Ms. Rivers and support--,” Director Michaels began to ramble on as my brain shifted away.

‘Support,’ my brain repeated.

Was I worried about my support system? I had thought about not having my mother a lot these past couple of weeks at an Olympics, yes. True, it hadn’t been announced that Sidney and Geno would be headed to Sochi, but of course they would be. Though they would be as insanely busy as I was, so I knew not to expect to see them regularly. But I had my Russian family, Mama and Papa Malkin were coming. And Sidney’s parents and Taylor had expressed interest in attending my events. That was a support system, right?

And clearly I had Sidney. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that if I needed Sidney, if I fell again.....

Except, I wasn’t falling. Not anymore. I had fallen.

“Oh my God.”

The entire room went silent.

Oh fuck. I had said that out loud and into the mic.

“Sorry,” I smiled nervously, “I am just really excited to lead the team to Sochi and bring back as many medals as possible for the United States.”

Everyone in the room begins to chuckle, so I think I have passed off my outburst as something relatively sane.

Soon after, I am cut loose and I bolt out of the room as quickly as I can without making a scene.

I check my phone and immediately open the text from Sid, “Nice work. You only looked in slight pain throughout that entire process.”

Rolling my eyes I momentarily forget my epiphany as I shot back, ‘Yeah, yeah, well we can’t all be press gurus like you. Good luck tonight. And miss you too.’

That left me staring at my phone as I wondered what the hell I was supposed to do.

“You alright?” Bethany nudged me out of the staring contest I was having with my phone.

I bit my lip. Even though Bethany and I were still at odds, I felt the intense desire to share this knowledge with her. But instead, I nodded rather than say what I really wanted say.

No, what I really wanted to say was ‘I’ve fallen completely in love with Sidney Crosby and I have no fucking clue what to do now.'

Notes

Dear Friends,

I apologize for the delay of this chapter. I am pretty sure that things are going to be able to go back on track.

Thank you for you patience!!!!!!!