You and I

“Brooklyn, are you listening to me?” I turn and look at my personal assistant and friend Emma. No, I wasn’t listening, but I’ve heard this spiel over and over again. Tonight is the culmination of seventeen months of work. They’ve been hectic sure, filming three movies and doing the press in that amount of time is difficult, but it’s finally paying off. The international premiere for the third movie was tonight. If I can just get through tonight I will be able to go home for a few weeks and relax. “Of course,” I smile at Emma and fix the simple black dress that I’m wearing. Smartly Emma ends her instructions and leaves me to my own thoughts. I sympathize; she has been working just as hard as I have if not harder over the last year in and half. When our car pulls up to the red carpet I let my body go numb and feel the practiced smile fall into place. I step out with a deep breath and wave to the crowd assembled before making my way down the carpet. The next day I’m in my house in the hills. It’s a disaster area. I’m packing all of my winter clothes and most of my belongings for a trip home. I need to get out of Hollywood and have a breather. Downstairs I hear Janet walk in the door. “Brooklyn, good news, the reviews are in for the movie!” I walk down the glass stairs with some folders in my hands. “What are you wearing?” Janet’s voice insinuates correctly that I look like shit. I’m dressed in leggings and an oversized long sleeved shirt, hardly what Janet usually sees me wearing. “Can I talk to you in the living room for a second?” “Darling, what’s wrong?” Janet’s voice is smooth indicating the fact that she thinks I’m fragile. She’s right of course. We sit down and I play with the papers in my hand. “Brooklyn, what is this about?” “I took a new role. It’s for a T.V. show.” “A T.V. show? I thought we discussed this, film is where the money is at.” I shrug, “It’s a good pilot and it got picked up by HBO.” I laugh, trying to ease some tension. “So it’s essentially a movie.” “I don’t understand. You just had two exceedingly successful films and the third is looking promising. You might even be looking at two nominations this awards season.” “We are filming in New York, it’s closer to home.” “You are amazingly wealthy I could buy you a private jet to fly you to Ohio from anywhere in the world.” “That’s not the point,” I fidget with the folders once again. “Then what is? By some miracle your career has only risen higher over the past year and a half. We need to keep moving up. You are going to be named the sexiest woman alive.” “I need a change, a big one. And some stability. A television show would give me a place that I can call home. Maybe I could live in the suburbs, I already have some people looking at houses.” Janet screeches, “The suburbs?!! You know what I’m going to let you indulge in this fantasy for a little, but I’m going to have real roles waiting for you when this doesn’t work out.” “We have an order for 22 episodes, I’m confident this project will be very successful. But you don’t need to find roles for me,” I hand her the folder. “I’ve released you from your contract. I’ve found representation elsewhere.” “Are you fucking kidding me?” Janet doesn’t grab the papers. “Unfortunately not. I want to thank you for everything you’ve done. There is a nice package with benefits included, but I think we’ve reached the peak of this relationship.” “This is bullshit.” Janet grabs the papers out of my hand. “I made you what you are. Without me you would be married with that dope of an athlete and have three kids. A mere footnote in the film industry. You should be fucking thanking me, not firing me!” “Please, I want to make this civil.” “Oh of course, whatever you want. “ Janet stands. “I hope you enjoy throwing your career down the toilet. Have a great life.” My former manager and agent walks out the door. I stay seated on the couch, at least that when better than breaking the news to David. With a sigh I stand and grab a bottle of wine from the kitchen, it’s five o’clock somewhere right? ******* “Sidney, you’re not serious.” I’m in the dining room with Grace, my food barely eaten even though we started dinner twenty minutes ago. “Please explain this.” I sigh and decide to be direct, “I don’t think this is going to work out for us. You are amazing, incredible really, but I just…” “You just what? What did I do wrong?” Her voice is rising. “I’m practically the chairwoman of the WAG association, I keep your schedule organized, I’m always here to support you. What more do you want?” “That’s the thing. All that we ever talk about is hockey. You used to be interested in so many things, but now all that you care about are the parties and the games.” It’s true. Grace today isn’t the same from when we first started dating. She’s quit her job now and it seems that the only productive thing she does is her nails. “I thought that’s what you wanted. “Grace, that’s great and all, but I don’t want an assistant I wanted a wife, a partner.” Her beautiful face softens, “I can be that for you Sidney, just give me a chance.” I shake my head, knowing that this isn’t what I want. “I’m sorry. I’m not happy, and I don’t think you are either.” I fidget and make eye contact once again. “Look, I’m going to stay at a place downtown for the weekend, to give you some time to move your stuff.” “How generous of you,” All that I want her to do is show some emotion, some passion, but she stays as cool as a cucumber. “Here, take this too while you’re at it.” Grace rips the engagement ring off her manicured fingers and places it on the table. I look at the ring and then at her. “If you need any help, let me know.” “Fuck you, Sidney.” She stands finally showing some passion and heads upstairs, presumably to go pack. When she’s gone I stand and clear the table. Realizing that this is the first time I’ve done dishes in what’s felt like months. Finally I return to the dining room and grab the ring. Looking around I notice the subtle and not so subtle changes Grace made in my house. Some new furniture, lots of pillows. Really, it’s almost a new house. I sigh and grab my pre-packed suitcase. In my car I call up Flower, “Hey man, want to come to my place downtown, have a few drinks?” There’s yelling on the other end, “Look I wish I could but Vero and I need to put the kids down for bed.” Of course, he’s busy. He has a family. “Oh right, sorry.” There’s some shuffling and a quick curse word. “Wait, did you say your downtown place? Sid, did you break up with Grace tonight?” Everyone knew that I was going to break up with Grace. I made the decision about two weeks ago and the guys agreed. They liked Grace sure, but if I’m being honest they haven’t really taken to anyone since Brooklyn. “Yeah, but seriously don’t worry about it. I’ll call Geno or Nealer.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah. I’ll catch you up tomorrow at practice.” I hang up the phone and pull into the parking garage of my downtown apartment. I’ve always had this place but I rarely used it. Ever since Grace started spending more time at the house I’ve found reasons to stay here after a late game. In my apartment I drop my keys on a table and grab a beer. Instead of calling someone else I just sit down on my couch and turn on the T.V. I wince when I notice what’s on the newest film made by Brooklyn fucking Donahue. Immediately I change the channel as the familiar hole opens in my heart. It sucks having your heart broken by a woman who is literally everywhere. I focus on some dumb action movie that comes on instead. There is a knock on the door and I pray that it’s not Grace. I stand and breathe a sigh of relief when I open the door. “I said you didn’t have to come.” Flower shrugs and holds up a six pack, “You needed me, mon ami. Besides Vero was in one of her moods.” We sit down on the couch and enjoy our beers in silence for a bit. “So, do you want to talk about it?” I sigh, “You know most of it already. Grace is great really, but she didn’t want to do anything in her life. Well besides marry me.” I take a sip of my beer. “I don’t know why I thought it would work. We dated years ago and I’ve known her forever. If it didn’t work then there was probably a reason.” “You wanted something more in your comfort zone.” I know where this conversation is going even before Flower continues. “Someone completely different from the last girl. This thing with Grace didn’t work, do you think that means something?” “It’s been a year hell, it’s been a year and a half. If we could not automatically assume that I’m still in love my ex-girlfriend that would be great.” Flower raises his hands, “I never said you loved her. I just think you never got closure and that might be why you can’t find anyone else.” “Since when did you become an expert on relationships?” “I’ve been in a relationship with the same woman for my entire life and I haven’t fucked it up yet. I think that makes me an expert.” “Yeah, whatever.” “Back to Grace. What are you going to tell your parents?” “The truth I guess. Luckily we haven’t planned anything yet so nothing to cancel officially.” Flower nods, “And you never made a public announcement so no worries there.” “Yep, I’m just so damn lucky.” I mutter sarcastically and pop open another beer. “How long are you going to stay here?” I look around the sparsely decorated apartment and shrug. It wouldn’t be too inconvenient to live here. “I gave Grace the weekend to get her stuff out. Maybe I’ll just stay here indefinitely, embrace my bachelorhood. I’ll let Nealer be my wingman and just give up on this marriage crap. Focus on hockey and women.” “Sidney, don’t you think you’ve been focusing on hockey a little too much?” “I was engaged Marc, how is that focused on hockey?” Marc scoffs loudly, “Please you weren’t invested in that relationship. You did what people expected you to. After HER, you threw yourself into training and you haven’t taken a breath. Essentially, Grace was your assistant who you slept with. You gave her the ring and she let you focus on hockey.” “You can say her name you know.” “Really, I can?” Marc puts his beer on the table. “because you’ve avoided everything that has to do with her. When commercials come on with her you leave the room, or Vero talks about a quick conversation they had you ignore her. You’re fucking miserable when anyone mentions her or even alludes to her. So no I don’t think I can say her name, at least not until you can say it.” I’m silent and I don’t know what to say. Part of me knows that every word Flower just said is true, but I’m too stubborn to admit it. “Thanks for coming over man. Maybe you should go though.” “Shit, Sid I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...” “No you did. And that’s fine. I’ll see you at practice.” The door closes behind Flower with a soft thud. I haven’t left the couch as I still mull over my best friend’s words. Concluding that something needs to change I grab the remote and change it back to Brooklyn’s movie. Seeing her stings for a second but I try to lose myself in the storyline. She’s amazing of course. It feels like she’s here, almost. Soon enough I’m lost in the movie. It doesn’t matter that I was in love with her or maybe still am. That’s how talented she is. Once it’s over I don’t have the energy or motivation to move to the bed so I just stay and sleep on the couch. ****** “Welcome home dear,” My mom crushes me in a hug at our small regional airport. “How many bags do you have?” “A lot unfortunately.” We wait at baggage claim and then walk to our car in the cold January air. “I think I actually missed the snow you know.” My mom just laughs, “Yeah, I’m sure the sunshine gets annoying out in California.” “Okay, so it’s really not all that bad.” In the car we crank the heat and catch up on the short ride home. Before we get out of the car I put a hand on my mom’s arm. “How is dad doing?” She sighs and pats my hand. “As well as can be expected. He is excited that you are going to spend some time with us for a little.” “I’m excited to finally have some downtime. The past year has been hectic.” “I would say. We’ve missed you. Everyone has.” I roll my eyes, “It’s not like I disappeared mom. I was working and I was here for holidays.” “Honey, you were here, but you weren’t really here. I think you know that.” With those final words my mom gets out of the car and helps me get my bags inside. My dad is waiting for us in his favorite chair watching the Ohio State basketball game. “Dad!” I walk over and hug him tight. My eyes water slightly feeling that he is cold despite being under blankets. “What’s the score?” He groans disgusted, “They aren’t playing defense worth shit.” Dad looks at me. “I was thinking that I would make homemade pizza tonight, in celebration of your homecoming.” Nothing sounds better and I can feel my stomach rumbling. “Only if you’re up to it.” “Nonsense. I feel great.” He gestures to the television. “Once halftime starts I’ll get to work.” We settle in to watch the game just as my phone rings. I take it in the kitchen noticing that it’s our producer. “Hello?” “Brooklyn, I’m glad that we caught you.” “Is something wrong?” “Not wrong, just a change of plans. Originally we didn’t want the series to take place in New York. I just got word that studio space opened up in our original location.” I’m nervous, what if this location is even farther from home. “Honestly, I would like to film as close to Ohio as possible. It’s part of the reason I was so interested in the project.” “I don’t think that will be a problem. Studio space just opened up in Pittsburgh, we are moving production there. I’m pretty sure you’ve filmed a project there before.” The words come out of my mouth on autopilot, “Right, yes the facilities are great and the crews are awesome.” “Perfect. We are going to push it back about a week to give everyone time to change their plans. We are so excited for this Ms. Donahue, we hope you are too.” “Um, of course.” Our producer hangs up and I’m left speechless in our kitchen. I’m going back to Pittsburgh. I’m going back to Pittsburgh to live, to have a permanent home. My head starts to swim and I have to hold onto the counter to balance myself. I hear my mom enter the kitchen, “Everything alright?” “Great news, actually I’ll be even closer to home during filming. They moved the shoot.” “Where?” Mom is smiling. “Pittsburgh.” I say it with a sigh and watch as my mom’s face falls. “Oh.” “Yep.” “It’s a big city right?” Two weeks later I’m back in Pittsburgh, looking at houses of all things. Shooting starts in a few days and I would really rather not live in a hotel room. Everything just feels like déjà vu. Our realtor is showing Emma and I around some houses. This is the last one we are looking at today and I’m unimpressed. “So what do you think?” I look around at the modern home and it just doesn’t feel comfortable. “I don’t think this is it. The house just feels sterile you know?” To the realtor’s credit she keeps the smile on her face. “I’m just going to take a quick phone call. If you’ll excuse me for a second.” I can feel Emma staring at me, “What is it?” “You’ve picked apart every home that we’ve looked at today and these are the ones that I prescreened for you. I don’t know what you want.” “Maybe I shouldn’t look at a house. I think an apartment or a town house would work just fine.” I sigh and brush some dust off a counter. “I guess we can look at more tomorrow.” “Are you sure it’s not something else?” “Not you too.” I groan. “Everyone thinks I’m worried about Sidney. It’s been a year and a half if I can’t live in the same city as an ex then I have a serious problem. Trust me, it’s not Sidney.” “If you say so.” The realtor comes back in with a smile on her face, “I just talked to a colleague. If you want I think we can squeeze in one more showing. The owner really wants it to move and the open house just ended without any quality offers. It’s much homier than anything we’ve seen today.” I look at Emma and shrug, “Might as well give it a shot.” This house is only about ten minutes away. As we get closer and closer I notice that things are looking familiar, eerily familiar. “Did she say where this house was Emma?” “Nope, I’m just following the realtor.” She slows down and Emma and I have the realization at the same time. We’ve been here before. I practically lived here. Emma voices our surprise, “Well, fuck. Do you still want to go?” “Yeah.” Some morbid curiosity propels me out of the car and towards the front door. The last time I was here my heart was breaking. I can’t help but wonder why Sidney wants to sell it. He designed this house himself; he put his soul into it. We shake hands and the realtor gives us his speech. I can’t bring myself to spend too much time in the master bedroom. Once the tour is done they leave Emma and I to discuss things. “How are you holding up?” My throat is dry and my head is pounding but I focus on Emma, “Can you give me second? Just pretend to count the outlets or something.” She nods and leaves me in the kitchen. I look around as the memories start to suffocate me. The place looks different; there was definitely a woman here at some point. She added feminine touches, the bedspread is different. I see a lot of pillows, Sidney was never a pillow guy. On a whim I open the fridge and chuckle; I guess some things never change. The fridge is practically empty besides frozen meals and red meats. My hands run along the counter and I remember leaving the note here. It broke my heart and I thought I made the right decision I really did until this moment. Would Sid be selling this place if we were still together? I hear a door open and assume that it’s the realtor and I can’t resist, “Why does he want to sell it?” “Something about his fiancée. Really, Mr. Crosby didn’t go into specifics.” My heart stops; he’s engaged. Sidney is getting married to probably a perfect woman. Someone who can give him the life he wanted, the life I couldn’t give him. “Oh, good Mr. Crosby you’ve returned. I hope you don’t mind, but I figured one last showing wouldn’t hurt.” I turn at the sound of the realtor’s voice and my mind goes blank. He’s there, standing sweaty from practice I’m sure. My mind can’t find the words. It’s on playback of every moment we’ve shared. The laughter, the tears, every intimate moment is running through my brain. When I get back to the present I’m frozen. What am I supposed to do, what’s the protocol? Neither of us says a word and then I hear more voices. Behind him a few of his teammates appear and all of them look appropriately shocked to see me. I like to imagine that Geno cracked a smile when he noticed me. Emma and our realtors have rejoined us. “May I introduce Brook-“ Sidney holds up a hand, “I know who she is.” It’s awkward I know and I’m trying to look anywhere else but at Sidney. Finally I look at my realtor and Emma, “I don’t want it. Great house, but not for me. Thank you though. I’ll show myself out.” I practically run out of the house and away from the situation. I’m hyperventilating by the time I get to the car. Blessedly Emma has followed me to the car. “Are you okay?” “Can we just go please?” “Brooklyn…” “Come on. I can’t be here. I don’t want to be here.” I get in the car and Emma drives away. Once we are a few streets away I take a huge breath and then proceed to hyperventilate. After the episode subsides I lean back against the seat. “Girl, what the hell was that?” Emma glances away from the road to look at me in concern. I focus on my breaths. “Fuck if I know. Just when I saw him, everything came back to me. I haven’t seen him since that morning, at least not in person. And when I heard his voice…” I groan. “What’s wrong with me?” “It’s obvious.” Emma doesn’t elaborate and I gesture erratically for her to continue. “You’re still in love with him.” ****** “Guys, that was Brooklyn Donahue!” Our newest rookie, Nate, speaks up once Brooklyn, Emma and I’m assuming her realtor leave my home. All of us turn and give him a glare while Geno hits him upside the head. “What?” Ignoring my teammates I head over to speak with the real estate agent. “How did the open house go?” “We had a few offers, but they were all below the asking price.” He pauses and I know he is unsure about something. “If I did something wrong showing the house to Ms. Donahue then I’m sorry sir.” “No, it’s fine really. I was wondering though, did Ms. Donahue mention why she was looking for a home in the area?” I shouldn’t care, but I do. My realtor shrugs, “Her assistant, Emma I believe, mentioned that she is starting work on a television series and is looking for something more permanent. I suppose this won’t work out for them, will it?” “No, I don’t think it will.” My mind is racing. Brooklyn wants to settle down, interesting. God, of all the houses she looked at she had to look at mine. “You know what, the highest offer we got today, I’ll take it. I don’t want this place anymore.” He nods, “Very good, Mr. Crosby. Have a good night.” I escort the realtor out and then head back to the kitchen. My teammates are circled around the island and James is explaining why no one was too excited that Brooklyn was here. “So, she just up and left one day. All that she did was give Sid a note. Really, I don’t think he ever got over it.” “Thanks Nealer, but I think that will be enough.” I reach in the fridge. “Who else needs a drink?” A while later the guys are getting ready to go and it’s only Flower and Geno left. Finally, we talk about the event earlier today. “So, she’s here huh?” I nod. “I guess. It’s news to me. Apparently she is filming a TV series here.” “She wants to live here, permanently?” Geno asks and even I can hear the hopefulness in his voice. Him and Brooklyn always got along. When she left without so much as a goodbye he took it hard too. “I don’t know Geno. We haven’t talked since that night.” “How do you feel?” Flower avoids my eyes as he asks that question. “Like I was punched in the gut.” I exhale. “My brain is just relieving everything right now. And she looked so perfect, a little tired, but fucking perfect.” My friends and teammates are silent. “This doesn’t mean anything. It’s just some horrible coincidence. Pittsburgh is a big city; we probably won’t even see each other again.” Geno snorts, “You have the worst luck in the world, Sid. You will see her again.” I look over at Flower who is biting his lip, “Something you want to add?” “Maybe you will finally get your closure Sid, that’s all.” Our enigmatic goalie shrugs one last time on his way out. “Maybe you will finally get what you want.” “And what’s that?” I yell out the door. Neither of them answer me, instead I just hear them laugh.

Notes

And here we go! Enjoy!