You and I

In the first week of February I’ve settled in to my routine pretty well. The cast gets a long great and so does the crew. All in all I’m having a lot of fun and I can spend the weekends at home with my family. The arrangement is working perfectly. Well, except when I ran into Sidney that first day, but thankfully we haven’t seen each other sense. Though, I can’t go anywhere in this city without seeing his face on some poster or his jersey. Walking around the city where we fell in love, pretending that everything is okay. I would be lying if I said it was easy to be around the constant reminders. On my lunch break one afternoon I’m grocery shopping when I hear my name, “Brooklyn?” I don’t want to acknowledge it at first. My current ensemble doesn’t work well for meeting fans. Focusing on the slightly ripe and out of season produce I pull my knitted beanie a little farther down on my head. And then I feel a tap on my shoulder. This can’t be avoided now. I turn ready to pose for a selfie or perhaps sign an autograph. “Vero?!?” My old friend is behind me smiling and immediately crushes me in a hug, “Marc said that you were back in town. It’s so good to see you!” “Likewise, hun.” We pull away and I look behind her. “Oh my god, is that your youngest?” The brunette beams with pride, “Yes, this is little Marjorie.” I can’t help but smile at the little girl. She is playing with a little stuffed bear, smiling in her own little world. “She looks beautiful. How old is she now?” “14 months.” I pat little Marjorie’s rosy cheeks and she giggles, “I remember when you first found out that you were pregnant.” “It feels like ages ago really,” Vero pauses and I know we are both thinking about the time lost. “Thank you for the gift by the way. You didn’t have to.” I wave my hand dismissively, “It was the least I could do, since I couldn’t make it to the shower.” “So, what brings you back to Pittsburgh?” “I signed on to film a television show,” I lean against my shopping cart. “Originally, I thought we were filming in New York. We moved last minute.” Vero just nods and we are both silent. “God, this shouldn’t be this awkward.” “It’s not awkward, Brooklyn. We just have a lot to catch up on.” Vero checks her watch. “And now that you’re back we will. I know we met because you were dating Sidney and all, but I would still love to be friends.” “I would too, really.” “It’s settled then. We will grab lunch this week. I must go though.” She scribbles her number on a stray piece of paper. “Call me, seriously.” I look at the ten digits on the paper written in Vero’s neat handwriting. It’s good to know that I might still have one friend in Pittsburgh. When I get back to set I immediately head to my trailer to look over some lines. After a few minutes I hear a knock on my door, “Come in!” Emma walks in with her bag and a Starbucks for me, “So, I have some news.” “Oh? Good news I hope.” I sip from my coffee and look over some lines. “Well, I think it’s good.” I arch my eyebrow. “You have plans tonight.” I turn back to my notes, uninterested in whatever Emma has arranged. “I really have no desire to go out. I just started this new book and all…” “When was the last time you went out for social purposes?” I open my mouth to answer. “No, no. I can answer that, it’s been at least a month. You never stay out past seven.” “Maybe, I’m not interested in that stuff anymore.” Emma rolls her eyes, “Bullshit. The reason you aren’t going out is because you’re afraid. You’re afraid of running into him.” She’s right of course, but I’m too stubborn to agree. I settle on silence instead. “You don’t have a choice anyways. It’s PR for the show, everyone is going.” Well, damn. “I suppose I’ll have to go then.” “It will be fun, promise.” “What event is it anyways?” Emma stays silent. “Is it that bad? Some stuffy dinner or a gala?” “Um, it’s the annual Skates and Plates with the Pittsburgh Penguins,” My friend answers in a rush, but I still pick out the important words. My mind doesn’t want to believe it, “I’m sorry, what?” “It’s their big fundraiser. All the guys dress in tuxes and serve the guests. The production team bought a table to show community support.” I go back to looking over the lines, in a vain effort to control my emotions. Sidney will be there of course and it will be almost impossible for us to not see each other. Tonight, it looks like I’m finally going to have face this head-on. With a grim smile I look at Emma, “I’m assuming I’ll need a dress?” Emma screeches and claps, “Finally, a normal response! Don’t worry I already have some items on hold at Saks. You relax and don’t worry you’re going to look sexy as hell.” I simply nod and Emma leaves my trailer with a little dance. Well, I’m glad one of us is excited about this. ****** I’m in the locker room trying for what I swear is the 87th time to attach my boutonniere. Our PR lady finally comes over, “You think that you would be better at this by now.” She attaches it with a smile. “While you have a moment, I need to tell you something.” “Sure, what’s up?” She smooths out my jacket one last time, “The new television series filming here, Reckless, have you heard of it?” I give a mirthless chuckle, of course I’ve heard of it. The leading lady, who happened to be my ex-girlfriend was just in my house a few weeks ago. And I haven’t seen her since. “Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.” She winces, “I figured. Well, their PR team bought a table tonight for the stars of the production.” She doesn’t have to continue, I know what she means. Brooklyn will be here tonight and more likely than not the two of us will have to have a civil conversation. With my luck we will probably pose for some pictures. “You’ve been talking to the guys.” “Marc mentioned something about you two running into each other.” She breaks off when I glare. “Just know that you aren’t assigned to her table.” Laughing I look at her in disbelief. “You know I make the rounds to all the tables.” “True, but, I don’t want you…” “I’m not some lovesick teenager. I can talk to an ex-girlfriend. Please feel free to spread that around the locker room.” I walk away suddenly in a bad mood. The guys have been walking on egg shells around me since the run in with Brooklyn and the broken engagement. Frankly I’m fucking sick of it. We take the group picture and somehow I manage to smile. Flower notices something is off. “Oh, so they told you.” “You know Brook- she isn’t the only thing I can put me in a bad mood.” I glare at our goalie. “Sometimes I’m just pissed at my overbearing, nosy teammates.” “Yep, it’s definitely Brooklyn.” “It’s not her!” I yell and all of the guys turn towards us. I lower my voice. “Seriously, it’s not her.” “Whatever you say, Captain.” As we line up to get introduced I can’t help but fidget. Tonight is always a little nerve-wracking. We have to remember orders, be charming and make sure to not spill too much wine. I’m introduced and I step out into the dining area, which is really just the rink but covered and decorated. I smile and wave and then line up with my teammates. Finally all of the food is served and we are given instructions to mill around and schmooze the guests. Table after table goes by in a blur. In my head I sigh in relief once we get to the next table. She’s not at this one, maybe she is at the next one or the next one. At one of the last tables I finally see her. She is leaning towards a costar and laughing loudly. God, she looks beautiful. As I get closer I can see the flush in her cheeks, she must be a little tipsy. When I approach the table I try to remain casual, “I hope everyone is enjoying themselves.” My remark draws the attention of the table and they stop conversing. Naturally, my eyes slide to Brooklyn who has stopped laughing and is I think looking at me. Now this close I can take in the rest of her beauty. She looks better than the last time that I saw her. Dressed in a green gown she glows in this setting. I feel a slap on my back, “Huge fan, man. I try to go to as many games as possible.” “Thanks,” I shake the vaguely familiar actor’s hand. “We’re glad you guys could make it tonight.” Finally we make eye contact and I see her plump lips form a small smile. I make my way around the table until I get to her. She turns to me and I’m ready to speak when someone interrupts. “I heard a rumor that you were here Brooklyn, I’m happy to see that it’s true.” Mario Lemieux has snuck up behind me and is now staring at Brooklyn. Her eyes slide from mine and focus on the owner of the Pittsburgh Penguins, “Yes, it was a bit of a last minute thing. We are having a great time though, truly.” He nods, content with her answer and then gestures to the dance floor, “I would be honored if I could have this dance. You and our dear Captain can catch up later, I promise.” She looks unsure and a part of me hopes that she would rather stay here and talk to me. The moment passes though and Brooklyn gives her hand and smile to Mario. “Sounds wonderful.” I watch helplessly as Mario leads Brooklyn to the nearly empty dance floor. Naturally, I appreciate the gentle sway of her hips as she walks away. The dress is gorgeous of course, but I’m more concerned with the woman wearing it. The entire room watches her and I know that she can feel the stares, but she handles it with grace. Slightly she inclines her head in acknowledgment of the room and then smiles. A shy smile, one meant to convey modesty maybe even embarrassment but above all appreciation. It seems familiar to me, she seems familiar to me and yet there was a look in her eyes that told me everything had changed. “You’re drooling,” James whispers beside me. God, I didn’t even know he was there. Brooklyn and I don’t see each other again until well into the night. Most of the guests are gone, but the band is still playing. About thirty minutes ago the guys were given leave to raid the open bar. I’m on about my second drink watching from the sidelines as some people dance. It’s mostly the young women who no doubt are hoping to catch one of my teammates’ eyes. I chuckle surrounded by the married men, who have all removed themselves from any temptation. Of course the cast of Reckless is still here and I’m pretty sure they’re all drunk. All night I’ve been discreetly looking at Brooklyn. She’s been having fun and has fended off would-be admirers well. I keep looking at her costar; it’s obvious that he wants her. The thought makes me sick to my stomach so I order another drink. “Honestly, you’re holding up better than I thought you would.” I look at Pascal, “Your confidence warms my heart.” He laughs and pats me on the back. “Maybe you should slow down. It looks like you still have a job to do.” I follow Pascal’s pointed hand to our PR girl. She is approaching us with an official looking clipboard. “Last picture Sid, I promise.” “Who is it with?” I push myself from my perch on the bar. “Cast of Reckless,” She looks at me in worry. “You know, never mind I will have Geno do it.” My hand shoots out to rest on her arm, “Don’t worry about it. I can do this.” I down the rest of my drink. “What could be the problem?” As I follow our PR girl I hear Flower mumble behind me, “More like who.” Once again I greet the group of actors. “Okay, let’s just get a quick picture. Sidney, stand in the middle of the group.” I do, and carefully arrange myself so Brooklyn is about two people away from me. From my position though I can see a guy wrap his arm comfortably around her waist and pull her close. “Perfect. Thanks guys.” I nod my thanks and turn to leave, but not before another person asks for a picture. “Can we get one with just Sidney, Max and Brooklyn please?” Our PR girl looks a little miffed, she’s not used to taking orders, but she looks at me for confirmation. I can feel my teammates wondering if I’m strong enough to do this. My competitive spirit kicks in as does what I hope is a nonchalant attitude, “No problem.” Brooklyn is placed in the middle and I see who I’m assuming is Max put his arm around her waist. My blood boils but I maintain a respectable distance. “A little closer please?” I can feel Brooklyn take a deep breath before she slides closer, her body tense. The alcohol must be finally kicking in because my hand confidently finds its way to her waist. A tense moment passes and I half expect her to pull away, but then I feel her relax into me. And for a brief second I have Brooklyn back in my arms. For this photo my smile is genuine. “Great guys, thanks.” Reluctantly I remove my hand and look at Brooklyn next to me. Her blue eyes sparkle and then she speaks, “So, how are…” I stop her, gently grabbing her delicate wrist. Dipping my head to her ear I whisper, “Meet me in the locker room in ten minutes.” With that I walk away and towards my teammates. All that they do is give me quick discreet nods of approval. For a minute I feel powerful on top of the world, until I remember that I invited her to the locker room…in ten minutes. ***** I let Mario lead me away from Sidney, the knot in my stomach only growing larger. Since I arrived tonight I’ve been half dreading/ half anticipating seeing Sidney again. It was inevitable and honestly I was hoping we could at least have a normal conversation, maybe discuss the weather. He looked so damn adorable all night serving the guests and smiling. Once he got close to our table I thought we were going to finally have a chance to at least exchange a few words. Apparently, that wasn’t in the cards though. My hand gently smooths my green silk chiffon dress and then I let Mario pull me into a respectable dancing hold. Around us the couples are trying in vain to make it seem that they aren’t affected by our presence, for that matter so is the whole room. I gather my thoughts and then force a smile on my lips before briefly finding Sidney in my line of vision. God, why does he look so good? Mario leads us for the first few measures and we sway back and forth in silence. Finally he breaks it. “Honestly, I didn’t think you would come tonight.” “Why wouldn’t I come?” My eyes meet Mario’s in a challenge. “Hollywood might not remember that you and Sidney dated, but I can assure you Pittsburgh does. “ He spins me out and then pulls me back in. “You don’t have many friends in this room.” I resist the urge to roll my eyes, “What happened to, ‘Sid needed someone like me’?” “I’m surprised you remember that,” He pauses for a second in thought. “But that was before you broke his heart. And make no mistake Brooklyn that’s what you did.” No one has ever accused me of that, at least not to my face. “I did what was best for him. You were wrong that day, Sidney didn’t, no doesn’t need someone like me. The two of us would have never worked.” It sounds weak, even to me. “You keep telling yourself that Brooklyn.” A photographer comes up to us and asks for a picture. We stop of course and smile, giving no hint to the topic of our conversation. “I should be thanking you.” This should be good. “Why?” “Since you left him, that kid hasn’t had a single thought that isn’t hockey. They made it to the Finals last year and this year, they’re going to win it all. And it’s because he has never been better, never more focused. That man is in the gym every day, eats right, does everything he needs to do to produce results. He’s a hockey machine that’s going to make me millions.” “That’s sick. Sidney is a human being with feeling, someone that you mentored. He loves you and I know you love him like a son. If he keeps going on like that he’s going to exhaust himself.” “He’s a human being?” Mario’s eyes meet mine and I feel his hatred for me, for what I stand for. Simply, I was a distraction. My presence back in Pittsburgh could ruin his hopes for this season. “Funny, you surely didn’t treat him like one.” His words cut me to the core and I’m thankful that the song is finally over. I give a robotic nod to Mario and step away. I step away from everything. In the bathroom I have time to think, time to get myself together. Damn, I thought I repressed those feelings. When I first broke it off I debated every day for weeks on whether or not I made the right choice. Eventually I convinced myself it was the right decision figuring it would be the best. And it was right? Sidney is going to win the Stanley Cup, he’s getting married. Because I’m gone he has everything he wanted. And we’re both happy, right? I splash some water on my face; well one out of two isn’t bad. For the rest of the night I focus on keeping up the appearance of the carefree actress. Thankfully, Mario doesn’t approach me again and neither do any of Sidney’s teammates. I’m tempted to go say hi to Geno of course, but I can’t bring myself to. Truthfully, it’s fear. I’m afraid that Mario is right, that Sidney’s teammates, who I considered my friends, now hate me. The night is winding down and I get called over to take one last picture. It’s with Sidney and our whole cast. I refuse to make eye contact as we get settled. Max’s hand slides around my waist and I can’t help but wince. It doesn’t feel right, especially with Sidney here. We break apart after the photo and I think I’m home free. After my dance with Mario no part of me wants to talk Sidney. “Can we get one with just Sidney, Max and Brooklyn please?” Lyla our PR girl questions and I freeze, my purse in hand ready to go. Unintentionally my gaze slides to Sidney and the Pen’s PR girl. I see the power struggle but Sidney merely shrugs, “No problem.” The three of us come together with me sandwiched in the middle. I feel Max’s hand first around my middle, but no contact from Sidney. We are probably a good few inches apart, but I can feel his body heat and I know I blush at the thought. “A little closer please?” I inhale sharply at the request wondering what Sidney thinks about this. Then I tense my muscles briefly before sliding closer to Sid who does the same. Surprisingly I feel Sidney’s arms wrap around me as well. It’s lower than Max’s and feels more intimate, more possessive, like it belongs there. Like his hand knows the spot well, and it does. My body reacts accordingly and relaxes to the familiar touch. I’m smiling fully when the camera finally flashes. “Great guys, thanks.” We pull away and I turn to Sidney finding him much too close for me to from coherent thoughts. “So, how are…” His strong hand snakes around my wrist and my voice stops. Memories rush back unbidden. His strength holding me back pinning me to his bed, I shake my head to focus as Sidney leans close, “Meet me in the locker room in ten minutes.” Sidney pulls away and all I can do is nod. Nine minutes and thirty seconds later I’ve said my goodbyes and made my excuses. The rest of my group thinks that I’ve gone back to get my purse and I will catch a cab home. But here in the bottom of Consol I’m doing anything but fetching a lost article. I take a deep breath before I walk through the familiar doors. Inside the room Sidney is pacing. He looks up when he sees me and we both smile. “Hey.” “Hey.” We are silent. And I don’t know what is going through his mind but mine is full of incoherent thoughts. This is the first time we’ve been alone with each other since, well since we were in bed together. I cough uncomfortably and rub my arms suddenly chilled. “Shit, you’re cold. Do you want my jacket?” He’s still sweet, that’s good to know. I shake my head though and walk a little farther into the locker room. “Wait, wait. Um, don’t step on the logo.” I look down at the floor and realize that I did almost step on the Penguin in ice skates. And he’s still superstitious, I smile at the familiarity. “Sorry.” “No worries.” We are silent again and finally I decide to sit down in one of the vacant stalls. The alcohol of the night is slowly catching up to me, making me tired. At the same time my body is tuned to every move that Sidney is making just a few feet away from me. “You, um you looked great tonight.” He rubs the back of his neck self-consciously. “Thanks.” I stare at my shoes. “I heard through the great vine that you were a great waiter. You only spilled two drinks I think.” He chuckles and my heart warms. “Well, I dropped three plates too.” “I wasn’t going to mention that.” “I was nervous tonight.” I look up just as he does and our eyes lock. My heart clenches and I know that I need something, but I’m not sure what. “I was too.” We fall back into silence and I wonder if Sidney can feel the energy just waiting on the fringes. Sidney finally gives in and sits, across the locker room from me, but he sits nonetheless. “This is where we met.” Tears spring to my eyes and I fight hard to control them. I was wondering if he would remember that. “I know. Over two years ago.” He looks at me and only nods. In his eyes I can see him missing the time we lost or at least I hope he is. Maybe he’s thinking about his fiancée. “I don’t know why I wanted to talk to you. It seems too late now, doesn’t it?” I’m not sure if Sidney wants me to answer the question or not. “It’s not like it matters now, right? It’s been months, everything has changed.” I look at him wishing with all my heart that he wasn’t right. “I suppose it has.” “Maybe I just wanted a chance to say my piece,” Sidney is talking to the ground and I can barely hear him. When he finally looks up at me I see fire building in his dark eyes. “Considering you never gave me a chance that morning.” “Sidney, I…” He stands and shrugs his jacket off. “No, you said your part. Everything was in that letter, that horrible fucking letter. I would like to say what I think now, at least part of it. You never gave me a chance to explain, to question, to show you were wrong. You gave up. It’s like we were in game seven of the finals and you gave up. Fucking hell, everything was perfect, we were fucking perfect and then suddenly it wasn’t.” Sidney’s voice rises with each sentence as he paces the length of the locker room. “That letter killed me. I’m sure you really don’t care how it made me feel, but it hurt. It hurt more than losing to the Flyers it hurt more than losing to the Rangers. And I won’t tell you the rest of the torture and hell that I went through when you abandoned us, abandoned our relationship.” He breaks off and looks at the ground for moment. I tense in the eerie silence of the locker room. “You don’t deserve to hear what I went through when you left. I just have one question.” Sidney takes a deep breath and turns to me. His eyes shine with emotion and his breath labored. “Why? Why couldn’t you have told me? I would have done anything to keep you, I loved you Brooklyn.” His voice cracks when he says my name and hearing that causes the first tear to fall and then the fact that he said ‘loved’ tears open old wounds. I look at him; the passion is gone from his eyes now. They are simply dull. Sidney is damaged and near tears; my ignorant blissful imagination of his life post breakup shatters. I figured our break up would hurt but I never wanted to break him. Me leaving was supposed to save him was supposed to save us. I rise and slowly walk toward him. He draws in a sharp breath. Gently I reach up and hold his face in mine. I can’t find the words to make him feel better, and this is the only thing I can do. It takes a second but I feel him rolls his shoulders than he places his forehead against mine in an exhale. **** Brooklyn’s hands on me should aggravate me, but they don’t. No, under her cool touch I feel my body loosen and stress fall away. She was always so good at this. I close my eyes as my forehead rests against hers, “Sorry, it wasn’t my intention to yell at you.” “I deserve it, really.” Everything in me wants to close the distance between us and take her into my arms. Our breathing matches then slows. With one look into her eyes I can see that she wants to kiss me just as badly. I lean closer, a hairsbreadth away from one of my favorite things in the world when I hear a cough. We jump apart. Standing in the doorway is Marc, “Sorry, we were just wondering where you were.” His eyes shift to Brooklyn. “Brooklyn.” “Marc,” She nods at him and then takes another conscious step back. “I should go. Um, I’m sure I’ll see you around.” “Brooklyn wait,” I gently reach out to stop her. My voice lowers to keep some of this private. “I want to talk, really talk with you.” She smiles and glances down. “I would like that Sid.” “Great,” I let her go. “I’ll call you.” Brooklyn doesn’t respond, she merely waves and then walks out of the room. I notice that both her and Flower avoid each other. Once she is gone I look at my teammate, “What?” He shrugs and leans against the door, “You tell me, mon ami.” I groan. This cryptic French bullshit needs to stop. I head out of the locker room. “You’re the one who said I needed closure. Talking with her will give me that.” “So you almost making out in the locker room counts as closure?” Flower laughs when I have no response. “Do you even have her phone number?” Shit, Flower’s right. I deleted her number ages ago, to prevent myself from making stupid decisions. “Doesn’t Vero still have it?” “What would you do without me?”

Notes