You and I

“So, how was last night?” Emma and I are killing time on set the morning after the Skates and Plates fundraiser. “Did you have fun?” “I did, at least until the end.” I bite my lip embarrassed over what happened in the locker room. Sure, Sidney and I fought when we were together, but he never raised his voice like that. “Sidney and I had a little talk.” My friend whips around, “What? I mean I figured you might exchange a few pleasantries, but something tells me this was more than that.” “To say the least.” I go over the events of last night quickly for Emma. “I had no idea Emma. I had no idea I hurt him that badly. You wouldn’t have recognized the Sidney I talked to last night. He was so angry and so…raw.” “How did you two leave it?” “We promised to meet again to actually talk about everything,” Emma squeals and I glare at her. “Don’t get your hopes up. Sidney hates me that much is clear and I’m pretty sure his teammates feel the same way. Besides, I doubt he still has my number.” “You’re going to leave it like this then?” Her mouth hangs open and I simply nod. “It can’t just be a coincidence that you are back in Pittsburgh. I mean at of all the houses you looked at one was his. Come on, this is fate Brooklyn!” I look at my friend in disbelief, “If I remember you weren’t too upset when I broke up with Sidney. Why the sudden change?” “It’s not sudden. I saw how you were when you broke it off. You haven’t been the same since. Not to mention I saw how you looked at him a few weeks ago. If you don’t believe in fate or serendipity or whatever at least believe in your own feelings.” Her words tempt me. Wouldn’t it be great if this was a fairy tale? Sidney and I would be back together by now. He would probably sweep me off my feet with a big diamond ring and maybe some flowers. Unfortunately, it’s not. This is real and I fucked up any chance of a happy ending when I left him brokenhearted with nothing but a note. “It doesn’t matter how I feel Emma. Remember, the real estate agent said he had a fiancée? He’s better off without me. At least he got the chance to finally put me in my place.” “Brooklyn, you can’t believe that you two are over forever.” “It’s been over for months Emma. Just because we ran into each other a few times doesn’t change anything.” I stand suddenly feeling like I need to get some fresh air. “He has his happy ending and it’s not me.” I’m walking around the studios trying to organize my thoughts. It’s too cold outside so I wonder through the sets. This role was supposed to be a break for me, something to relieve stress. Obviously Sidney wasn’t part of the equation, neither were these stupid feelings that keep popping up. I have no right to even consider anything with Sidney. I had my chance and I gave it up. Because he was supposed to be better off. Not that he looked better off last night. I sigh and sit on the first bench I can find. ****** “Are you sure about this?” It’s the Saturday after the fundraiser and a few of us are grabbing a drink after our win. I nod, looking at our goalie and his wife. “The two of us need to catch up, like friends. I mean it’s immature of us to live in the same city and avoid each other.” They don’t answer right away, but Vero takes a deep breath. “She texted me yesterday asking to grab coffee next week, so I have her number if you want it. Before you call her, you should know one thing.” “What?” “Something’s changed. Brooklyn’s different. I can’t put my finger on it, but she’s just off.” I look at Flower with his arm wrapped around the back of Vero’s chair. “I don’t understand.” She just shrugs, “Be careful Sidney. This isn’t some game you can analyze. The two of you are people who were in love. Maybe you should just let it go.” Vero probably has a point, but I don’t want to. Since Brooklyn left I’ve wanted answers and now I can finally have them. Besides why should Vero get to talk to her, but not me? “Thanks for the advice, but I think I know better.” “Sid…” “No.” I cut her off harshly and notice that Flower glares. With a sharp inhale I work to lower my voice. “I was going to marry her. I deserve this closure.” “Fine.” Vero reaches into her purse and scribbles Brooklyn’s number on a piece of paper. “I hope you get what you need Sid.” “Thanks.” I grab the piece of paper and then stand. “I got the check for you guys don’t worry about it. Have a good night.” I wait a few days before I call her. We just got back from a successful road trip and will be home for a week. Hopefully it will be easy to set something up with Brooklyn. I dial and wait anxiously pacing in my apartment. “Hello?” Her voice still surprises me. “Is someone there?” Shit, I lose the ability to communicate for a second. “Hey uh sorry, it’s Sidney.” There is silence on the other end. “Oh hey, Sid. What’s up?” “Well, I was wondering if you were free this week?” Again silence and I don’t know if I’ve ever been this nervous on the phone. It feels like ages before she responds. “Yeah, I have some free time. Did you have something in mind?” “Actually, there’s this burger place about thirty minutes outside of town. It’s quiet, laidback.” I stop myself from blathering. “Sounds good to me.” We discuss a few more details and then a sense of awkwardness sets in. “So, how have you been?” “Good, good.” Another lengthy pause. “And you? I saw your goal in Sports Center’s top ten, you guys are doing great this season.” I can’t help but smile, but I press forward refusing to think about why her praise still matters to me. “Thanks, it’s been good so far. Other than that not much going on really.” “Really?” There is something off in Brooklyn’s voice but I can’t place it. “Yeah.” This final pause is long and I start to pace again. “Um, yeah so I’ll see you on Wednesday.” “Yes, you will. Good luck tonight.” The line goes dead. I look down at my phone. She knew I had a game tonight. Don’t read too much into this Sid. I’m sure she’s just being nice. It’s not like anything else is happening in the middle of February in Pittsburgh. As I lie down for my pregame nap I can’t help but think about whether or not she will watch my game tonight. ****** Wednesday night rolls around and I’m trying on my third outfit. What does one wear for a dinner with their ex-boyfriend? Especially one who clearly has some unresolved feelings and those feelings seem to be anger. I groan and throw off another sweater. This feels like a date, but it’s not. No, this is a reunion dinner. Sidney will talk about his fiancée and his family, maybe even the new house. And I will try to pretend that my life isn’t in shambles, that I haven’t drowned myself in work to numb the pain of everything. Finally I decide on a tight red sweater and a simple black skirt. Even if I don’t feel great, I’m going to look great. The drive to the restaurant gives me just enough time to almost talk myself out of this. I just have a feeling that this night will end rather horribly. Sidney wasn’t lying. The place is quiet. It’s tucked into a shopping center and I notice a few cars around. With one last fortifying breath I walk into the restaurant. The place has a bar in the center that is broadcasting some basketball games and then booths and tables scattered throughout. It’s mildly busy, but I’m still able to find Sidney. I give a nod to the hostess and then walk over to the booth. He stands when I get there. “Hey.” “Hey.” I shuffle my feet debating on whether or not to hug Sid. He goes to kiss me on my cheek while I go to hug and we bump noses. I chuckle slightly and step back. “We are so bad at this.” Sidney rubs his neck. “Yeah, you could say that. Maybe we should just sit.” I nod and slide into the booth. Hopefully no one else noticed our awkward exchange. “I hope you haven’t been waiting long.” “Nope.” Our waiter comes over to us. Holding two beers, he puts them down promising to come back for our orders in a few. “I ordered you a Yuengling, wasn’t sure if you still liked it.” Of course he makes this difficult. He shouldn’t remember things like my favorite beer. “Thanks.” We are silent as we look over the menu. The voice in the back of my head is telling me that I can’t eat any of this, but a burger sounds so good. When the waiter comes back we place our orders. “And could I have a diet coke when you get a second? Thanks.” When I order a second drink Sidney’s face falls slightly. He coughs and then traces some imaginary line on the table. “So, how is the show going?” “It’s good. The cast has a lot of fun. And really it’s nice being in one place for a while. A lot less traveling. More stability too. Of course, I’m close to family as well, which is good.” Damn, Brooklyn stop rambling so much. I need to form a coherent and complex sentence. I take a large sip from the coke and swallow unsatisfied. “Well, that’s good.” Sidney answers noncommittally and I notice him go back to tracing patterns on the table. “How’s Emma doing?” “She’s good really, happy that I’m slowing down a little.” “I talked to Claude briefly in Philly.” He trails off and I pick up his thought. “Claude and Brianna are doing really well. Brianna started a new non-profit that she’s working with now.” “Good for her.” Our waiter refills my drink and eyes my untouched beer. “Their wedding seemed…good. I saw pictures online.” “Yes, it was good.” I wrinkle my nose. “Too much orange though.” Sid chuckles. “I won’t disagree with you.” “How’s your family?” I bite my tongue, knowing that I really want to ask about the fiancée. “Taylor is still at university of course, she loves it though. She even has a boyfriend.” He pauses and I wonder if it’s the same guy that we talked about a while back. “Overall though, everyone is” Sid searches for a word. “Good?” I offer the word that we’ve both overused. Sidney realizes it and laughs. “Yes, I suppose that’s a…” He pauses and smiles mischievously. “a good word to use.” Now I start to laugh. “Good one.” I wink and Sidney rewards me with another laugh. And then he does his high-pitched laugh and I lose it. Before long both of us are laughing loudly with tears in our eyes. Finally the waiter comes over and drops off our food. I can barely thank him between my deep breaths. We start eating and the two of us are finally more comfortable with each other. And I even decide to start drinking the beer that Sidney had ordered. Between bites Sidney starts the conversation again. “Did you ever find a place to stay here in Pittsburgh?” “Yeah, it’s a townhouse downtown. Nice really and not too big for just me.” I nod and then wipe the corners of my mouth. His question has provided a perfect segway for the question that I wanted to ask. Now I just have to gather up the courage. With one last gulp of beer I look at Sid. “Speaking of which, how is the fiancée?” I expect Sid’s face to light up and him to dive into a wonderful narrative of their life together. Instead, he seems confused. “Fiancée?” “Yeah, your relator mentioned it briefly. I figured the two of you were going to buy a house together.” I try to keep the bitterness out of my voice. He coughs clearly uncomfortable. “He was half right. I was engaged but I broke it off in January.” Sid shrugs in an effort to appear casual; it doesn’t work. “I figured that I should just forget about the whole family thing, so I sold the house.” “But you worked so hard on it.” “It represented a future that I now know isn’t in the cards for me.” He finishes his beer in one gulp and attracts the attention of the server. “Another please.” “I’m sorry.” “About what?” His question makes me stop. I realize that I don’t know what I’m sorry for. Is it his failed relationship, the house or our failed relationship? I take a deep breath. “Everything.” He laughs mirthlessly. “Too little, too late.” We are quiet again and I’m tempted to ask for the checks. And then I look at Sidney again. He’s single and clearly hurting. I’m single and obviously not in a good place. Emma’s voice filters through my brain. Her words about fate and serendipity are messing with my already fragile psyche. This isn’t good. I cough and suddenly feel stifled in the restaurant. “Sidney…” “Do you want to get out of here?” There is something in Sidney’s eyes that I should be nervous about, but I can’t find it in me to care. “Um, sure.” He calls for the check and I protest when he tries to pay for both of us. “I’m paying for my half.” “Don’t be absurd. I’ve always paid for you. Why would you start pulling your weight now?” I scoff. “You never complained before.” Sidney very obviously peers down to my cleavage. “There were certain benefits.” “In that case.” I pause and stare at Sidney with hooded eyes. “Then I’m definitely paying for my half.” I grab the check and add a twenty before handing it to our waiter. “Shall we?” We stand and Sidney helps me with my jacket. Outside in the parking lot Sidney walks me to my car. I have my hand on the car door when Sidney’s hand encloses my wrist. “Do you trust me?” His words stop me and I turn noticing how close he is to me. “Of course.” Sidney’s answering smile is all roguish-little-boy. “Follow my car.” Somewhere in my head I know this is a bad idea, but I slide into my car anyways. I follow Sid’s car through the winding and confusing roads of Pittsburgh. “This is a bad idea Brooklyn. You had your chance with Sidney and you blew it.” I pause. “But he’s single now and obviously miserable.” And I’m miserable too. Do two miserable people deserve each other? I groan and bang the steering wheel. Now I’m talking to myself, great. ****** I park my car at a meter and am satisfied to see that Brooklyn has pulled in behind me. Now here I realize that I have no idea what I’m doing. This wasn’t the plan. The two of us were just supposed to have a dinner and fill in some blanks from the past year. I sigh, maybe I never wanted that. Through my rear-view mirror I see Brooklyn get out of the car and I realize that the time for thinking is over. I get out of my car and lock it. “Is this where you murder me and toss my body into the river?” She chuckles and I have to admit that this place does look a little circumspect at night. “Uh, no. Our destination is actually a little farther down this way.” I lead her from the street down closer to the edge. We are on one of the mountains that overlook the city. And on a clear night, like tonight it offers spectacular views. In about another minute we get past the trees and can see the city. “Oh, wow.” I look over and watch as Brooklyn takes in the scene. “It’s beautiful.” “It gets better.” I lead her over to the outlook. It’s a concrete circle that juts out from the mountain. “Watch your step it might be slippery.” We cautiously step onto the outlook that’s covered in snow. The city beneath us glows and is as well lightly covered in snow. I smile loving everything about this city. As we get closer to the railing at the edge I hear Brooklyn yelp and see her stumble. Automatically my hand reaches out to steady her. “Thanks.” I can see her breath in the bitter cold. But her body is warm beneath my hands. My eyes flit around her face until they settle on her eyes. A memory is on the edge of my conscious and when it comes back I can’t help but smile. “Remember, I’ll never let you fall.” Her intake of breath assures me that she remembers. She smiles, but gently extricates herself from me. The loss of her heat is crippling but I focus. Brooklyn is now leaning against the railing and I join her. “What do you think?” “About what?” She throws my words from earlier tonight back at me. “Anything.” I just want to know what is running through her brain. A large part of me hopes to god that it’s me and if it is that it’s something good. She doesn’t answer right away. She opens her mouth to speak and then closes it and then finally she turns to me. “I think that I wish that it was two years ago.” Her answer stuns me. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. And suddenly I find that I can’t meet her eyes. Instead I seek the familiar view of the skyline. Two years ago, I think back in my head would have been right before her past drug use was exposed to the world. Two years ago, we were in love even if we hadn’t said it to each other yet. “Why?” “Because I would know what to do right now.” I notice the rise and fall of her chest when she takes a deep breath. Her hands tighten on the railing. “We could talk and we would talk for hours. I would tell you about the drugs before the rest of the world knew and we wouldn’t break up for weeks. You wouldn’t hate me and I wouldn’t have written that damn letter.” She smiles but I can see the tears on her face from here. She laughs. “I’m a silly woman, clearly. And you?” What would I do two years ago? If I was here with Brooklyn I would only want to do one thing. “I would kiss you.” Brooklyn looks at me again her mouth slightly parted and I realize something. There is nothing more in this world I want than to kiss her again, even just one more time. A voice tells me clearly though that one more time won’t be enough. I reach up slowly and cup her chin in my hand. Then I lean down and close the space between us. At the first brush of our lips I feel her tense and then a quiet sigh. Kissing her is everything that I remember and more. Her soft lips slide against mine and I quickly lose myself. I pull her close to me needing her close again. It’s been ages since she’s been in my arms, but right now it feels like she’s never left. And then she’s gone. I open my eyes and she stands at the end of the outlook. “We shouldn’t.” She’s right of course. But she’s always been like a drug for me. I can’t just stop with a little. All that I want to do is pull Brooklyn back into my arms. “But we should.” My response has the desired effect. Brooklyn cracks a smile. “And what would happen next?” I push myself off the railing and walk towards Brooklyn. “We could just keep pretending it’s two years ago.” Her eyes flash and meet mine. I know there is something dangerous happening between the two of us, but I don’t want to fight it. Quickly I take a few more steps and trap Brooklyn against the railing. “So?” She doesn’t answer; instead she pulls me to her. Once again Brooklyn’s lips are on mine. For a few minutes I let her have control and then with a groan I push hard against her. Firmly, my hands settle around her waist. My lips trace her jaw and her neck before finding that old sweet spot. I’m rewarded with a whimper. Brooklyn’s arms tighten around my neck and I’m white hot despite the freezing temperatures. Feverishly my lips find her ear biting down quickly. “Come home with me.” We are frozen for a second our bodies flush against each other with little room to breathe. And then Brooklyn sighs and offers the sweetest affirmation. “Yes.” ***** By some miracle we separate from each other long enough for us to get to our cars. In the cold of my car I take a second to catch my breath. God, what the hell was that? There is no doubt that we still have chemistry. As I follow Sidney’s car down the mountain towards downtown proper I keep waiting for my hormones to fall or at least level. They don’t though. And now I start to hope that maybe my mind will create a convincing argument to get me to go home. As Sidney’s car pulls into a parking garage I realize that there is no argument in the world that could stop me from going up to his apartment. I shove feelings and logic aside instead focusing on the promise that tonight is two years ago. We are silent in the private elevator and remain that way until we enter his apartment. It’s amazing. Cozy, like I imagined but also distinctly manly. This was a bachelor pad, pure and simple. I don’t make it much farther into the studio apartment when Sidney’s hands pull me against him. His mouth runs scorching hot patterns up and down my neck before finally I turn. I want his lips on mine, now. He groans when I thrust my tongue against his battling for dominance. It’s foolish of course, Sidney loves to be in charge and quickly he pushes me against a bare wall. I push against his pelvis yearning for some kind of friction and Sidney inhales sharply. “You were always impatient.” I smile. “Early bird gets the worm and all.” I gasp as Sidney slides a hard thigh in-between my legs and grinds it against me. “Yeah, but good things come to those who wait.” Any snarky reply I had is cut off by Sidney’s mouth against mine. God, I missed this. No one kisses like Sidney. I need more though as I grind down on Sidney’s jean covered thigh. With a hiss I start working his belt. My hands brush over his package, with some intention. “Brooklyn…” Sidney warns and I back off slowly. Running my fingers along the hard expanses of his chest, I nearly moan. This man was built for hockey sure, but it suited more pleasurable activities as well. Sidney’s hands pushing up my shirt distract my musings. In record time my chest is bare and Sidney’s attention is focused on my breasts. Almost reverently he grasps the first one. “Absolutely beautiful.” And then he is sucking and nipping and my eyes roll back in my head. His hands drift lower and slide up my skirt. And finally his hands are right where I need them. “You’re so wet for me.” I don’t even have the good sense to blush. I love what Sidney does to me that will never change. “All for you.” His smile is self-satisfied predator. “Damn right.” And then quickly and fully Sidney thrusts into me. “Oh, god.” I moan tightening my grip on his shoulders. He gives a little groan and then pushes me up. My legs instinctively wrap around his backside and I pull him closer to me. “You are so damn tight.” He thrusts again, hard and I drop my head back. “Do that again, Sid.” He does and I see stars. I’m panting as Sid continues to drive in and out of my pliable body. I don’t care about anything right now except Sidney and when he was going to make me come. Pulling his face close to mine for one last deep kiss I match my hips with his. Sidney seems to get the memo and I feel his thick finger working my button. I fall apart almost instantly and I feel Sidney’s eyes on me. “Fucking gorgeous.” With a quick kiss to my forehead he continues to thrust long and deep before I hear him groan in release. We are silent for a moment both catching our breaths. Finally Sidney looks at me. “Brooklyn?” “I’m good.” I know I’m not though. Sidney and I just made a huge mistake. From here on out nothing will be the same. We didn’t solve any of our problems tonight. If anything we created more and judging by the look in Sid’s eyes he knows it too. He pulls out and takes a half a step back. Suddenly I’m cold and I doubt my sweater will help warm me up. The two of us take a second to right our clothes. “I could have let you pay for dinner.” He chuckles, but my joke doesn’t land as well as expected. “Drink?” Again, I shouldn’t stay, but I don’t know if I could drive home right now. “Please.” We end up on his couch watching some dumb movie. The two of us don’t cuddle and we don’t talk much. Neither of us even changed clothes. As the silence stretches I look towards in an attempt to figure out what’s running through his brain. I can’t though, his face is impassive. I turn back to the movie and stare at the screen without really watching the movie. “I should go.” It’s not a sincere suggestion and Sidney knows that. Nonetheless his hand snakes around my ankle. “Don’t. Just stay and let’s pretend for one night.” I nod. The prospect is too tempting and my weak brain can’t handle it anymore. My heart is already in tatters and my hormones are a mess. All of my defense systems are gone. I can’t even bring myself to stress about Sidney’s and I’s relationship or lack thereof. With a sigh I try to let all of this go and I stretch out on the couch. The last thing I remember is Sidney covering me with a blanket.

Notes