You and I

The next morning I’m walking on air. Last night with Brooklyn was great. It felt easy and right, something that I haven’t felt for a very long time. Once I get to the locker room I drop onto my bench and start getting ready for practice. “What are you smiling about?” James asks me from across the room. I shrug hoping to play it cool. “Nothing.” “Bullshit. You look happy, like too happy.” Nealer is thinking hard about this and approaches me. He moves his face close to mine and squints. “You got laid last night.” There’s the usual ribbing of course and then Geno looks at me. “Didn’t you have dinner with Brooklyn last night?” It’s like you could hear a pin drop. “Wait, Brooklyn Donahue?” The rookie Nate asks again and I can see everyone roll their eyes. James smacks him upside the head. “Shut it rookie.” When eyes are focused back on me I answer Geno’s question. “Yeah, I did.” Next to me I can feel Flower tense. “Some old habits die hard.” I shrug and lace up my skates. A few of the guys who weren’t on the team the last time Brooklyn and I were a thing are intrigued. “Well?” “What do you want me to say?” Nate opens his mouth to ask a question but James silences him. “Shut it.” Geno coughs, “What does this mean?” It’s an excellent question and truthfully I don’t know. Part of me wants everything to go back to normal with Brooklyn, but I know it will never happen. If she wanted me back she wouldn’t have waited this long. I sigh resigning myself to the fact that whatever I had with Brooklyn is done. What happened last night is better than nothing. “Probably nothing. We aren’t back together and I don’t think we ever will be.” “So, you two are going to be fuck buddies?” James asks. He looks at me in part surprise and part admiration. “Maybe.” After practice Flower pulls me aside once the guys leave the locker room. “Do you think that’s best?” I look at my best friend and teammate. “It’s better than nothing.” “Let me understand this. Instead of talking to her and trying to work something out. You two are just going to sleep together.” He sounds appalled and disappointed. Frankly I don’t care though. “It’s obvious that Brooklyn doesn’t want to date me or marry me or anything so I’ll settle for this. I refuse to go back to not having her in my life. If this is the only way I can have her so be it.” “Mon ami.” Flower shakes his head. “Please just talk to her.” I shake my head. “The time for talking has passed Flower. I know that now.” “This is going to kill you.” Picking up my bag I make my way out of the locker room. “It would be worth it.” When I get back to my apartment I don’t know what to expect. Will Brooklyn still be here? She probably had filming to do. I sigh not knowing what I will say if she is still here. When I open the door I call out her name. No answer. I notice the sticky note still on the wall still perfectly in place. Maybe she didn’t notice it. She’s not here. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that it bothers me. If I want this to work I have to keep feelings out of it. Friends with benefits don’t miss them in the morning. Right? My phone ringing helps me forget about any stray emotions. “Hey mom, what’s up?” “Sidney, how are you?” If only she knew. “Great mom. Any reason you called?” “Well I just wanted to confirm our visit for late March. Your dad and I are going to spend a few days in Pittsburgh remember?” I nod and locate one of my calendars. The week in question had four home games in a row and included teams like the Flyers and Boston. It was going to be a fun week tough for sure, but fun. “Yeah I remember mom.” “Okay good. I’ll have your father book the hotel.” “I told you I would pay for it, mom.” God, how many times have we had this argument? I can afford all of this. “Nonsense.” She pauses. “And how is Grace? We need to start planning the wedding you know.” Oh shit, I really need to tell them about Grace. Honestly I just don’t know how to do it. I can’t just casually tell my mom that I broke it off with Grace. Mom was excited about the wedding, I think. It will break her heart. “Sidney?” “Oh, uh she’s fine mom. Look I need to go.” “Fine. Be safe. We love you!” I hang up with a groan. I need to tell my family about Grace sooner or later though. Maybe I’ll just wait until they are here in person. And then I can also explain why I sold the house that I spent years working on. As if my life wasn’t complicated enough ******* I wake up on a couch and after a few seconds everything comes back to me. This isn’t good. Nope this isn’t good at all. Hurriedly I search for my phone. I have three missed calls from Emma. At least I’m not late yet. If I don’t stop at my place I’ll make it to set on time. Tentatively I look around the apartment wondering if Sidney is somewhere. “Sidney?” No answer. He must be at the arena. I’m almost out the door before I notice a post-it-note. It says to help myself to some breakfast and to make myself at home. As if I wasn’t confused enough about our whole situation. I leave the note figuring that I can pretend I didn’t see it. From his apartment it only takes me about ten minutes to get to set. When I walk into my trailer Emma is waiting for me and she looks pissed. “Where have you been?” I plop down in a makeup chair. “You don’t want to know.” “Wait, didn’t you have dinner with Sidney last…” She trails off and then spins my chair to face her. “You did not.” I wince and try to make myself invisible. It doesn’t work. I just feel a slap on my arm. “What was that for?” “Why would you sleep with him?” “He’s hot?” I shrug and feel another slap. “Will you stop that? Look, I don’t know what happened. Dinner started out so awkward and then we just clicked at some point. And he took me to this place that looked out over the city.” “Were you drunk?” “Nope.” I groan. “What do I do next?” “Did you talk to him this morning?” “No, he was gone before I woke up. We didn’t even sleep in a bed.” “You didn’t make it to a bed?” I shake my head. “That’s pretty hot.” We are both silent as I contemplate the disaster that was last night. “Where do we go from here?” “Well, I doubt you’ll like my advice. You stop this right now, unless you want to get back together. Clearly the two of you can’t just sit around and talk.” “I resent that.” Emma just stares at me. “Fine. You probably have a point. He’s better off without me anyways.” I say it like I actually believe it. “So, you aren’t going to see him again?” “Nope.” My answer lacks conviction. We are silent for a little. “But you know, how was it?” I throw a hairbrush at my good friend. “None of your business.” I blush though remembering last night. It was like we were never apart. Last night if repeated could be dangerous. “Damn. I’m having coffee with Vero this afternoon.” “Are you going to tell her?” “My bet is that she will already know from Marc.” The two are married so I don’t really expect anything else. As I continue to think about it, I decide that the last thing I want to do is discuss this again. “You know I’m really busy today. I probably won’t have time to meet her.” “Brooklyn, you just can’t cancel on her. Won’t it seem a little suspicious?” “I’ll promise to reschedule.” When I text Vero to cancel our plans later in the day I do in fact ask for a rain check. She sounded a little disappointed, but understood. A week or so flies by and it’s a Friday night. For once I’m not going to visit my family this weekend so I’m trying to figure out plans. I refuse to stay in and be alone tonight. Emma would point out that I do enough of that already. So I decide to finally call Vero and reschedule. “Brooklyn! I was wondering when you were going to call.” “Yeah, sorry I’ve been busy this past week. I was wondering though if you wanted to do something tonight.” There is a pause. “Tonight?” “Yeah, if you don’t have plans.” “Well the guys have a game.” I knew that of course. Before I came back to Pittsburgh I was vaguely aware of the team’s performance, but now I follow religiously again. “But, we have a babysitter for the girls. Let’s get a drink tonight. I’ll go after the game.” “Alright sounds good.” We hammer out a few more details. “Can’t wait to see you!” “Likewise.” After we hang up I head back to set finish up filming for the day. A few hours later I get out of the taxi in front of a low profile bar in downtown. It’s a nice place, but nothing like some of the clubs one can find up and down this block. Outside as promised Vero is waiting for me with a smile on her face. She doesn’t have a jacket on so I’m assuming we have a table. We hug, “So good to see you!” “You too! Let’s get inside though, I’m freezing.” We walk into the mildly crowded bar. For a Friday night the space is pretty laid back. A lot of people are milling around and talking. Vero gestures to a staircase to our left, “There’s a dance floor upstairs with live music if you want.” “Maybe later.” I raise my voice slightly to be heard over the conversations. “Where are you sitting?” She bites her lip and I swear that she looks nervous for some reason. “We’re in the back.” I follow Vero through the crowd when I feel a hand on my elbow. Turning I look at the offending hand and gasp. “Geno?” The massive Russian doesn’t respond he just crushes me in a hug. “Brooklyn!” I pull back and can’t help but smile. “How are you?” “Good! We lost, but they have vodka so very good!” He laughs and I realize that Geno has already started the party. “You here alone?” His brow furrows at my question and then laughs again. “Of course not!” My eyes slide to Vero who looks guilty. She grabs my hand. “Come on Brooklyn. See you later Geno.” As Vero leads me further through the bar my mind is slowly putting pieces together. “Vero, why do I feel like you aren’t telling me something?” She laughs or tries to. “Beats me. You know what maybe we should get a drink first?” I stop and Vero jerks when I don’t follow. “What is going on?” Before she can answer I hear my name being yelled again. This time the voice belongs to someone who looks vaguely familiar. It takes me a second but then I place it. This kid is one of the rookies on the team and was in Sid’s old house when I was looking at it. He approaches us clearly inebriated. Is he even old enough to be in here? “Hey Vero.” Vero winces. “Hey Nate. Can you give us a second?” The kid nods and then sticks his hand out a little shakily. “Just wanted to say it’s nice to finally meet you, Miss Donahue. I was wondering if we could get a picture.” Oh great, he’s a fan. I smile. “Maybe later.” Then I look at Vero accusingly. “Vero, do you want to warn me about any other people we might run into?” “Brooklyn, I’m sorry. I just figured it would be nice to have you around again.” “Don’t apologize. You’re not sorry at all are you?” She laughs loudly. “Of course not.” I take a deep breath and count to ten. This is a defining moment. And apparently my vow to have no further interaction with Sidney will not hold. I can either embrace this or complain about it. I refuse to be that girl who can’t be around her ex. I look at Vero and crack a smile. She squeals and pulls me into a hug. “Before we go over there though I will need at least one drink.” “Fair enough! And with you along neither of us are going to have to pay!” She’s right of course. Once we get to the bar the bartender gives us each a shot on the house and his number. And then two nice guys each buy us a vodka cranberry before we make quick excuses. With one last fortifying breath I follow Vero to a large booth in the back populated by abnormally large men. ****** We decide to grab drinks after the game. Even though we lost it’s a Friday night and next week will be full of away games so everyone wants to let off some steam. Tonight we chose a bar that’s a little more laidback somewhere we can actually hear one another. I’m seated next to Flower and Geno watching the rookie make a fool of himself. It’s entertaining to say the least and I can’t help but think about how I was at his age. He’s under pressure sure, but I was under more. My hand tightens around my drink. I really need to let loose a little. “Have you talked to Brooklyn?” I turn to answer Flower’s question. “Nope. I don’t know what to say. Maybe after a few more of these I’ll take a risk.” “Honestly dude Brooklyn’s not worth it. She treated you like shit in the end. Besides, desperate and drunk is never a good look,” James interjects his eyes scanning the bar. “Unless it’s on one of those beautiful women.” He smiles his signature up to no good smirk. “Gentlemen.” He leaves our group and all of us just shake our heads. We fall back into casual conversation and my eyes wonder around the bar. There’s a lot of potential here and I know that it wouldn’t take much if it was something I wanted. Just then Vero slides into the booth and kisses Marc on the cheek. “Hello everyone. What were you talking about?” “Brooklyn.” Geno volunteers and I resist the urge to kick him under the table. I know that Vero and Brooklyn have talked to each other and I don’t want this getting back to her. Vero fidgets. “Really? Have you seen her recently Sid?” “Nope.” It’s a tense silence and then her phone vibrates. “I’ll be right back, my friend is here.” “What’s up with her?” I ask. Usually Vero is all smiles, but tonight she just seems nervous. Flower doesn’t answer immediately he just shrugs. “Beats me.” He answer lacks confidence and now that I look at him more he seems suspicious as well. His eyes keep looking towards the entrance. Next to me Geno gets out of the booth. “What’s going on Flower?” My teammate takes a sip of his drink. “Rien.” I don’t believe him, but I sit back and try to relax. A few more minutes pass and Geno returns all smiles. “What are you smiling about?” “Sid, guess who -“ Flower shoots Geno a look and interrupts his sentence. “Get me a beer.” Our center grumbles but leaves. I look back at Flower to try to “Wait, are you two trying to set me up on a date?” “Something like that.” Once he finishes his sentence Vero emerges pulling her friend behind her. I’m not even that surprised when I see that it’s Brooklyn. Vero and Flower never could mind their own business. I lean over and whisper to Flower. “You are so dead.” “It was all Vero’s idea.” Then the enigmatic goalie smiles. “Besides now you don’t have to waste that misspelled and embarrassing text you were going to send tonight.” I roll my eyes and take a sip. Brooklyn is getting reacquainted to my teammates. And some of them, James especially aren’t giving her the warmest reception. She takes it in stride though and smiles. Eventually her eyes land on me. I nod in acknowledgement and she does as well. Even from here I can see that she blushes slightly. Last week starts to replay in my head and I wonder if it is for her as well. I have to stop my brain from getting too off track, but then I notice her outfit. God, she always looked good in leggings. And the heels just extend her already gorgeous legs. At that moment I know I’m a goner. Brooklyn is going to end up in my bed tonight, there’s no other option. The two women finally reach our table and greet us all. Whether by luck or some sick joke the only seat is next to me and I motion for Brooklyn to take it. She does. “Hey, what’s up?” “Nothing much.” We are silent for a second and Brooklyn bites her lip. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t know that Vero had this all planned. I don’t want to intrude.” “Don’t worry about it.” I pause wondering if I should add more. “We will always love you Brooklyn!” Geno has returned to the table and I wonder for the millionth time since I’ve met him how a Russian his size can’t hold his liquor better. “Well, besides James.” So I wasn’t the only one who noticed. I try to steer the conversation to more neutral topics. “So you came with Vero?” She nods. “I did, yes. We were supposed to catch up, but something tells me she never intended that to happen.” I nod in understanding and then gesture to the married couple to my right. “Those two are trouble together.” They turn and smile innocently. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” “No idea, mon ami,” He pulls Vero into his side. “It’s good to see you again Brooklyn.” She just nods and the two of us examine the bar. “Pretty busy tonight isn’t it?” “Yeah it is. I can’t remember the last time I was out on a Friday.” Why does that sound so sad? I don’t have time to really think about what she said because she jumps into the next topic. “Look about last week I-“ “If you’re going to apologize you can stop right now. I don’t regret that night.” I take a sip of my beer and glance at my ex-girlfriend. “I don’t regret kissing you, I don’t regret sleeping with you.” Her mouth parts in a small ‘o’ and I can’t resist leaning a little closer. My lips find the shell of her ear. “And I sure as hell don’t regret hearing you say my name when you came.” I try not to smile too much. Brooklyn is rarely flustered, but right now I see the flush in her cheeks and her labored breathing. She swallows deeply then looks up to me. “For the record, that’s not what I was going to say.” “And you were going to say?” She smiles. “Well I can’t seem to remember anymore.” I laugh a little. “Sorry about the game tonight.” “You watched?” To say I’m surprised would be an understatement. I’m glad that she still watches our games. Her calm demeanor has returned and she waves her hand dismissively. “It’s kind of hard to avoid in this city.” And my ego deflates. She only watched because there wasn’t anything else to do. I struggle for something else to say. “Well you should come to a game. The guys would love to have you there.” Okay, that doesn’t make sense. But she’s no longer flustered. Brooklyn is too calm and I’m struggling to present the same façade. The question does throw her off her game. It takes her a second to continue. “That would be fun. When?” “Whenever.” I shrug once again striving for nonchalance. “The Oscars are next week so that’s out.” She’s back in her comfort zone. Her schedule is still more important than mine and I feel it burn like it always did. This is partly why we broke up, at least according to her. My bruised ego fights to repair itself. “We are away this week anyways. So the week after?” I’m doing the math in my head and know that the Oscars land the day after her birthday. “I have a friend coming to town, a belated birthday gift.” “By all means invite them.” Another ticket won’t hurt me. “You can have the loge if you want.” She shakes her head. “Tickets will be more than enough.” I pull out my phone and scroll through my schedule. “We have a game that 8th, it’s a Wednesday versus Carolina. Sound good?” She smiles. “Perfect.” It’s getting late and everyone around us is having a great time. I’ve limited myself to two drinks and I’m just about done with my beer. Brooklyn has mingled with my teammates and finally gave Nate the picture that he wanted. Now I’m in the booth talking to a girl whose name I can’t remember. She’s nice and cute. But I’m looking at Brooklyn who is at the bar with Vero. They have been attached at the hip all night. A guy approaches them and Brooklyn smiles clearly impressed. Then she has the nerve to look at over me. Inclining my head I wonder what she has in mind. She winks and leans closer to the guy. I see red. Brooklyn was in my bed, or at least against my wall, last week and tonight she’s mine again. His hand drifts lower and I finally notice the baseball hat he’s wearing. It’s a Penguins one. I smile, this will be easy. I look at the girl next to me and smile. “Excuse me.” She isn’t pleased as I leave the booth but I don’t care. Instead I find Beau and tell him to go charm the girl. I approach the trio and Vero loudly acknowledges my presence. “Sidney!” The guy turns to me and naturally freaks out. “Oh my god, dude. You’re Sidney fucking Crosby!”” Brooklyn’s eyes go wide and I have to stop from laughing. “Yeah I am. Are you a fan?” “Of course. I’m a huge fan. I was at the game tonight. The refs totally blew that offsides call in the second period.” “Couldn’t agree more.” I nod and try to ignore Brooklyn’s burning stare. “Do you have a favorite player?” I ask already knowing the answer. There’s a number 29 on his hat. “As much as I want to say you, it would have to be Fleury.” There is a squeak next to me and I look at Vero. “Oh, I’m married to him!” She giggles and I thank god or vodka cranberries. This guy can’t believe his luck and I jump in. “Vero, why don’t you introduce them?” “Really?” Vero and I both nod. “Thanks man!” They leave and Brooklyn starts to follow. My hand shoots out and she stops on a dime. She must have only had one or two drinks as well. “Not so fast.” She turns and is clearly pissed. Seeing the fire in her eyes is wonderful. “This isn’t like you.” I shrug and lean against the bar effectively blocking Brooklyn from public view. “You haven’t been around me for almost two years.” She inhales sharply but her eyes still burn with anger. “Why did you do that?” “You shouldn’t go home with him.” My voice remains level even though I’m full of anger and jealousy. Brooklyn rolls her eyes. “And what should I do?” I look her dead in the eyes. “Come home with me.” For the second time tonight I shock her. “The two of us were always good together.” “I don’t want a boyfriend.” Something is lurking behind her eyes. It stings and hurts just like the morning I read her letter. But I push on. Now I know that this will be the only way Brooklyn can be in my life. I’ve resigned myself to it and I’m going to take advantage of any time that I can get with Brooklyn. “And I don’t want a girlfriend.” Well, at least a girlfriend that isn’t her. She takes a deep breath, downs the rest of her drink and then blinks twice, hard. “Your place or mine?” ****** I wake up the next morning in my bed. Last night Sidney chose to come over to my place and unsurprisingly it was…amazing. We never had a problem with sex. It might have been the thing that came easiest to us. I sigh and roll out of bed. Sidney fell asleep afterwards, but apparently he’s already gone. That’s probably a good thing. I don’t know if my fragile psyche could handle seeing him in the morning. His eyes still blurry from sleep, his hair a little disheveled. It’s private and a side of Sidney only a handful of people get to see. In my kitchen I start a pot of coffee and start reading through my e-mails. Pre-Oscar work is coming in hard and fast. I have so many things to choose and discuss with people. My mind can’t focus though. It just keep replaying the events from last night over and over again. This time we did make it to a bed and it was glorious. I shake my head and once again try to focus on work. I fail miserably and decide to watch a movie instead. After the Notebook and halfway through How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days I’m an emotional mess. I don’t know why I decided these were good choices. Each one makes me think of Sidney and the fact that we aren’t together. It’s almost 2 and I’m debating on getting some wine when I hear a knock on my door. Haphazardly I wipe my eyes and check the peephole. Oh good, it’s only Emma. I let her in and she bursts through the doorframe like a hurricane. “This is unbelievable!” I collapse back onto the couch assuming that Emma is overreacting. Unpausing the movie I grab a handful of chips. “What’s so unbelievable?” “You haven’t seen it?” I hear her rustling with something behind me. “Seen what?” She better hurry up Kate Hudson is about to visit Matthew's family in Staten Island. She doesn’t answer right away so I turn around waiting for an answer. Emma is holding up a dark black sock that is obviously too large to be mine. She twirls it around her finger. “Whose is this?” I debate lying but really don’t care at this point. “It’s Sidney’s. We sleep together casually now.” Vainly I try to sound like a worldly, modern, urbanite who is totally fine with emotionless sex with their ex. Somehow I don't think it's believable. “That bastard. I want to hear everything, but first you have to see this.” Emma throws a newspaper onto my lap. “Read the highlighted article.” It’s the local Pittsburgh paper, specifically the society page. I read aloud. “This past Thursday Miss Grace Cavanaugh, fiancée to the Captain of our Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby, was seen at a local wedding dress boutique. Apparently the Canadian native, and active WAG member tried on about five dresses before her appointment was over. She left empty handed. Sources confirm that the beauty wasn’t concerned about a budget and tried on gowns that featured a lot of crystals. During her appointment Miss Cavanaugh, accompanied by her mother and sister, was mum on any other wedding plans. As far as public knowledge goes this is the first bit of planning that the ever busy couple has started. Regardless, all of us here are even more excited the pair’s wedding which is sure to be the social event of the summer.” I stop reading and am happy to say that I remain calm. Gently I put the paper down and look at my best friend. “What day is this from?” “This morning.” Slowly I stand and walk to my fridge. I grab two bottles of wine and one glass. Returning to my living room I sit down. “Only one glass?” I open the bottle of Moscato. “It’s for you.” “Brooklyn, I’m sorry really.” “Nothing to be sorry about.” I take a gulp. “Sidney and I aren’t dating. I have no claim to him.” But this hurts, this hurts horribly. Emma nods. “I can’t believe he’s still engaged though.” “Me either.” Something just isn’t adding up. Sidney would never cheat on his fiancée and he told me that he broke it off. Why would he lie? If it was over though why is Grace shopping for dresses? I look again at the little blurb unable to decide if it’s a good thing that there isn’t a picture. Could I look at the girl who has been with Sid the past year? “Of course she’s fucking Canadian.” “I bet she has a hooked nose.” Emma jumps in. “Or maybe an unfortunate birthmark. And really crystals on her dress? Are we five again?” I snort appreciating the effort. Emma has on multiple occasions actually praised wedding dresses with crystals. I take the offending article and rip it in half before turning to Emma. “Take-out, wine and movie marathon?” Emma smiles. “Just like old times.” The movie starts again and I sit in silence with my good friend, wondering what I would do without her. I barely pay attention to the plot instead I focus on the mess of Sidney and me. Even with all of this unfortunate information I don’t regret the time I’ve spent with Sidney. I’m just wondering where we go from here and if I can suffer through being the other woman.

Notes