You and I

une 24th, 2014- Las Vegas, Nevada “Sidney, how do you still have problems tying your tie?” Taylor asks me from across the hotel room. I just stepped away from the mirror fairly confident in my appearance. Apparently my sister doesn’t agree. “It’s fine Taylor.” Honestly I couldn’t care less about how I look. It was Taylor’s insistence that I even come tonight. I would have been just as happy staying at my place in Nova Scotia and getting a call from Pat with the results. “You should be excited about tonight.” My sister who I’m used to seeing in shorts or hockey pads is in a dress. A dress that I wish was about four inches longer. “These things all start to run together after a while.” I check my watch. “Let’s head downstairs.” We are in the elevator and I finally let my sister fix my tie. She smiles in triumph. “Is this all about Brooklyn?” With a fortifying breath I look down at Taylor. “Did mom tell you to ask that?” “Maybe.” I groan, refusing to answer the question. She’s right though. It’s been weeks since I’ve found the letter in my kitchen. Weeks since I’ve tried to reconcile myself with the fact that Brooklyn is no longer part of my life and she doesn’t want to be. I shut my eyes tightly refusing to think about it anymore, refusing to think about her. That’s been the only thing getting me through this. If I take more than a second to focus on Brooklyn or on what I’ve lost I’ll lose it. And I’m not in a position where I can lose anything. There are too many people counting on me, to keep everything together. The elevator dings and my sister and I step out. A handler immediately approaches us and steers us to the press line. By the end I feel like I need a drink so we head over to the bar. “One Rum and coke and one plain coke please.” I can feel my sister rolling her eyes at me. “Drinking age in the states is 21, Tay.” “It’s dumb.” She sips on her drink nonetheless. “Oh, damn.” “What?” I turn to see what Taylor is looking at and have the urge to swear as well. Just a few feet away are Claude Giroux and his fiancée, Brianna Donahue. “Maybe they won’t see us.” “Fat chance.” Taylor is right. Giroux and I make eye contact. Both of us are obligated to speak to each other. After all, we are nominated for the same awards. The couple walks towards us. We shake hands and I give Brianna a quick kiss on the cheek before motioning to Taylor next to me. “This is my sister Taylor.” I pause and then motion to the couple. “Taylor, this is Claude Giroux and Brianna Donahue.” They exchange pleasantries and I rack my brain for a conversation topic. It doesn’t help that I can feel Brianna’s burning stare. I cough. “How is the wedding planning going?” “It’s hectic man, but I think we are about done.” My opponent throws a hand around Brianna’s waist. “Right babe?” She nods. “I mean we couldn’t do anything without Brooklyn’s help.” She smiles sweetly. “The girl has never been more driven in her life, like she has nothing else to worry about.” Next to me Taylor tenses. I can only focus on maintaining the wall built in my brain to keep Brooklyn out. Apparently, I’m the only one suffering in this scenario, great. Brianna’s words confirm my fears: Brooklyn doesn’t miss me, not one bit. This blatant mention of her tests the strength of my mental barrier, but it holds. “Babe, why don’t you go check our seats?” Claude slides his hand from Brianna and she leaves with a slight sneer. Taylor excuses herself as well and Claude and I are alone. “I’m sorry about that. She’s just a little overprotective.” “Funny, considering that Brooklyn broke it off with me.” Claude’s eyes are wide, expressive. “What?” “Brianna didn’t mention that?” “Honestly, I only get like a fourth of any story.” Claude orders a drink. “Seriously if I have to pretend to care about one more detail of this wedding.” I can’t sympathize for him. “You did this to yourself.” “True.” We are silent again and it strikes me how odd our relationship is. Never in a million years could I have imagined that Claude and I could be around each other like this. “You can ask me.” “Ask what?” “How Brooklyn is holding up. I know you still care.” His offer is tempting and I realize then and there that I am a weak, weak man. “How is she?” He sighs. “I think she is keeping something to herself. Really Sid, she looks just about as shitty as you. She hasn’t cried though and if I know one thing about girls post-breakup it’s that they love to cry.” “Thanks, I guess.” Of course she hasn’t cried; she broke up with me. I stare at my glass. “Wish I could be more help.” Claude rubs his wrist absentmindedly. “Good luck tonight.” “Same to you.” I pause. “And congrats on the wedding.” He smiles like a fool in love and for the first time in my life I’m jealous of Claude Giroux. I suppose this is rock bottom. Once he leaves Taylor returns. “So that was Brooklyn’s sister?” I nod. “Well, she’s a bitch.” Her words stun me and then I can’t help but laugh. “I won’t disagree.” The awards go well, spectacularly well. After the show I excuse myself from the parties. Taylor doesn’t seem pleased but goes along with it. I change out of my suit and sit on the couch with Taylor. “Sorry I wasn’t much fun tonight.” She shrugs with a small smile. “It’s fine. I’m used to you not being any fun.” We are silent for a little longer watching some horrible movie. “Have you talked to her?” Taylor doesn’t need to say her name. “I’ve called more than I like to admit. She never picks up, so I’ve stopped trying.” “I’ve never seen you like this. You don’t do anything for fun anymore. You’re always at the gym or alone in your house in Nova Scotia. This is too much even for you. We’re worried.” I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Their concern is nice, but unwarranted. I can handle this just like I handle everything else. Besides without Brooklyn as a distraction the team and I could finally win the Cup again. Truly this is the best thing that could happen. “I’m fine Taylor, really.” “You’re not. Anyone can…” “Just stop.” I cut Taylor’s diagnosis off. “I am a grown man who can survive one little breakup okay?” “You were going to propose Sidney. This isn’t some little breakup.” I do not want to have this conversation with my sister. “We were rushing into things. It was too early to propose. And Brooklyn was right, we wouldn’t have lasted. And now, I’m going to bed.” I stand and walk to my bedroom. Alone, I take a deep breath. I can feel the emotions right on the edge of my consciousness, nudging against the wall I have in my mind, the wall that I need to keep Brooklyn and any possible distractions out. As long as everything is neatly compartmentalized I can get through this. I just need to do what I’ve always done, what’s expected of me. As long as I can win some hockey games soon no one my family included will care about Brooklyn or I or what was. ****** “Happy Birthday!” I’m taken aback. Emma told me we were having a small dinner to celebrate since the Oscars are only in a few days. This though, this is a huge party. I look around the L.A. club and see that half of A-list Hollywood is gathered. “Oh my God, this is amazing.” I smile and bring Emma into a hug. “I can’t believe you did this!” “It’s your 26th birthday, which only happens once. Of course we need to celebrate!” She laughs and hands me a drink. A few hours later I’m ready to go home. The party is fun it really is, but I can’t help but think about all the stuff I have to do the next few days. “I think I’m going to go home.” “What? Why? Come on it’s only 1am!” Emma complains and I can’t help but smile. “I haven’t done this in a while and I have a lot to do for Sunday.” I force a laugh. “I’m old and boring now.” She doesn’t believe me, but mercifully lets me go. I leave quietly out the back and slide into the waiting car. At the hotel room I enjoy the emptiness and the solitude. I glance down at my phone, tons of missed calls and text messages. Scrolling through them I stop when I get to one name in particular, Sidney. Happy Birthday I frown, it’s a simple message, no punctuation no emoticon. This is frustrating, I have no idea what I should text back. The only thing I know is that I don’t want to ignore it. Part of my poor muddled brain hopes that this is a turning point for us and the other part is still pissed about the fiancée. With a sigh I text back aiming for flippancy. Thanks, no gift though? Disappointed. He doesn’t respond until the next morning. Your gift can only be picked up in person. ;) I text back without thinking. Why do I feel like my gift involves us being naked? You were always smart. There is nothing I can say to that so I don’t. I do have a dumb smile on my face though. This is good. We are joking with each other, returning to some semblance of normal or as normal as we can be at this point. After I read the article about his fiancée I haven’t seen Sidney. He had road games all week and we haven’t talked. Of course, not that I expected anything. I groan. I really need to figure out where I stand. Logically I know this will end poorly. He’s still engaged obviously and lying about it. But he’s not the kind of guy to cheat in a relationship. And I’m not the type of girl who would be involved with an engaged man or an ex or that matter. Nothing about our situation makes sense to me and most alarmingly I care less and less each day. ***** My cell ringing wakes me up. Struggling to find it I check the time. It’s 1am Monday morning no one should be calling me right now. Once I check the caller id though I know I have to answer. “Hello?” “Sidney.” “Brooklyn, congratulations. You won both awards tonight. That’s impressive.” “You watched?” She sounds surprised. “No, I saw it on the internet.” Okay, so that’s a lie. I watched it. I watched the whole damn show. It was addicting, but my pride won’t let me admit it. She looked so beautiful and so happy. “Oh. Remember when you came with me?” I nod. “I do. That was a fun night.” And it was. Both of us were drunk on happiness, drunk on each other. “We were good together.” My throat constricts. “Yeah we were.” I cough trying to fill the silence. “Why did you call?” She sighs. “I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea. Obviously it wasn’t.” Her voice breaks and I don’t want to hear her cry. “We are so fucked up.” “We are.” I bite back the urge to tell her that it’s all her fault. I choose to blame my next sentence on lack of sleep. “But whatever we have now is better than nothing.” I wait wanting to hear her agree with me. She doesn’t. “But you have a fiancée.” That wasn’t what I expected her to say. And before I can set her straight she continues. “I deserve this really. l screwed everything up and now I just have to deal with it.” “Brooklyn, I don’t understand. Grace and I…” Before I can finish I hear loud voices on the other line. “Damn, I need to go. It’s fine Sidney. You don’t have to explain yourself.” She sounds resigned and closed off. “You’re still coming to my game this week right?” “Yeah, I’ll be there. But I really have to go.” “Congrats again.” And then I hear the dial tone. I lie back in my bed trying to figure out what Brooklyn was talking about. She knows I’m not engaged. I told her when we went out to eat. So why does she think the opposite? When she comes to Pittsburgh I need to talk to her, clear the air. There’s a lot she’s not telling me and if I’m being honest a lot I’m not telling her. ***** July 15th, 2014-Philadelphia, P.A. I vomit for about the second time this morning and quickly wipe my mouth. Really, Brianna should be the one nervous today, not me. Luckily no one else is awake yet and I quietly slip out the door of the bathroom into the main suite. My cousin and I are sharing a room for the weekend. Of course, Brianna has a large suite to herself across the hall and everyone else is scattered around. I slip on a pair of running shorts and head out the grand lobby entrance. As I run through the unfamiliar streets of Philadelphia I can’t believe that my sister is getting married today. It seems like a few days ago that we were playing dress up in the basement and now this. My mind wanders to the events of the past month and I feel my heart constrict. Unfortunately it has nothing to do with the pace I’m setting. I’ve found that if I think about Sidney or anything to do with him I become physically ill. Sometimes my head hurts or more often I feel the urge to puke. This was supposed to be the best decision for both of us. But as more time passes I start to feel worse and worse about everything. When I get back to the hotel I notice a few fans and reporters starting to set up. Philly is excited about the wedding and a lot of people are hoping to catch a glimpse of a few hockey superstars. And a lot of them will be there today, but one or sure won’t be. I stop myself from thinking his name. Upstairs my once quiet hotel room is now a flurry of activity. The aunts have arrived as well as my mother. When I walk in there is a noticeable pause in the action. I wave to the small group then head to the bathroom to shower. Even through my head phones I can hear my aunt ask my mother what’s wrong with me. I know she doesn’t have an adequate answer. Most of my family besides my mother and sister haven’t seen me since the breakup. I’ve thrown myself into wedding planning and anything else that will keep my mind off Sidney. Hell, I even signed on to do two extra films. Today I need to stay focused on Brianna’s wedding. After today I can cry and scream and wallow. With that thought in mind I rejoin my family. A few hours later I’m waiting with my mom and dad to see my sister for the first time in her wedding dress, all dolled up. I can feel the nerves radiating off all of us. The wedding planner is running through final lists to my mom and I’m talking with my dad. “So, are you excited?” “Of course Brooklyn.” He smiles. “A little sad too. I don’t like giving either of you up.” I let out a quiet laugh. “Oh, dad Philly’s not that far from Ohio.” I nudge his shoulder. “Besides you still have me.” He nods sagely. “But for how much longer?” His words for some reason bring tears to my eyes. “Always.” I look up at him and even his eyes are glassy and he never cries. He pulls me into a tight hug and I almost start to sob right there. “I love you so much my strong girl. You are so much more than a man.” “I love you too dad.” And then I have to excuse myself for a moment. It wouldn’t be good to be bawling when Brianna walks out. I walk down to the end of the hallway and take a few deep breaths. On my way back I run into Claude, literally. He helps me back on my feet. “Sorry. I wasn’t really watching where I was going.” I sniffle slightly. “You okay?” I shrug. “Weddings, get me every time.” Claude doesn’t believe me and I know it. “Look, you’re going to be my sister-in-law in a few hours so I need to know one thing. Do I have to go beat Crosby’s ass for breaking your heart?” I laugh. “Thank you for the offer, but no.” He places his huge hands on my shoulders. “You sure?” I nod confidently. “Fine.” We hug briefly and I smile. “For the record, I’m really happy that Brianna found you.” His smile is 100 percent genuine and I know he feels like the luckiest guy in the world. “Me too.” “I’ll see you at the church.” He nods. “I’ll be the one looking like he’s about to pass out.” I laugh and yell walking away. “You guys already did all the hard stuff. Today will be a piece of cake.” Turns out that I’ve missed the big reveal in the hotel room. The wedding planner instead escorts me very roughly to the limo waiting to drive the other bridesmaids to the church. I slide into the limo and realize that I’m last, good. My cousin hands me my bouquet. “How does my makeup look?” “Atrocious.” At least she’s honest. I utilize the short ride to the church to fix my face and am pleasantly surprised with the outcome. Outside of the church a fairly large crowd is gathered and as we exit the limo a few call for me. I ignore them though and hurry inside. The guys come in a few minutes later and I send a quick wink to Claude. Finally they close the doors to the sanctuary and we wait. My sister and father arrive minutes after and my breath leaves me. She looks gorgeous and exactly how I imagined she would look. I grab a tissue and dab my eyes. Brianna spots me. “Glad you could finally make it.” She says it with a smile though and opens her arms for a hug. “Can we get a minute please?” Just like that the two of us are alone. “You look gorgeous Bri, seriously. I’m so happy for you.” She smiles. “It doesn’t feel real actually. Can you believe it? I’m getting married.” She holds a hand to her chest. “Oh my God, I’m getting married. Brooklyn, I’m getting married.” Oh no, this is not good. “Take a deep breath Brianna. Come on, do it with me.” She does and I nod in encouragement. “You have an amazing man waiting for you down that aisle. You have an amazing future waiting for you.” “I know, I know. I just forgot for a second.” She brushes a strand of hair out of my eye. “Thank you for that and for all that you’ve done. I know that these past few weeks have been hard.” “Please don’t. Today is your day.” “Exactly, and I want to talk about this. And who knows the next time we will have a moment to ourselves. Think about it. This is the last time it will be just you and me against everyone else.” I do and my heartbreaks, but it’s also so happy for her. Dear god, I’m a mess. “The point I’m trying to make here is that I love you and you’re going to get through this. You are going to find your amazing man one day too and I’ll be the one wearing a god awful bridesmaid dress.” I laugh through the tears. “It really is awful.” “Well, if you weren’t so gorgeous I wouldn’t have had to pick something so hideous.” We both sigh. “And now that that’s settled I have to go get married.” “Yes, you do.” We get back into formation and I walk down the aisle. I hope to God that I’m smiling. All through the ceremony my sister’s words flow through my head. I can’t help but think that she’s wrong. I already found my amazing man and I left him. I left him so he could have what he needed what he wanted. And I doubt that I will ever have the opportunity to put Brianna in a hideous dress because I can’t see myself getting married to anyone else. At the reception after I’ve made my toast and danced the obligatory dances I find myself outside on the patio of the hall. It’s a beautiful night and I’m sober. I was too afraid that alcohol would make me lose the fragile grip I have on my emotions. The hall was getting too crowded and too loud. People were starting to get drunk and press me for photos and autographs. Family members wanted the inside scoop on Sidney. Hockey players invited me up to their rooms. Everyone wanted something from me. Out here though, no one wants anything. I’m alone and it feels so good yet so horrible. Primarily because I shouldn’t be alone. No, Sidney should be here with me. He should be here keeping me company but I’m an idiot. I look up at the sky wondering where he is. Wondering if he is thinking about me. He shouldn’t be, that was the whole point of this. He needs to go find a better woman a more stable woman. Something inside me though whispers that we have one more chance, that maybe we aren’t really over. That if I can hear his voice one more time that I will come to my senses. Holding onto this hope I find my cellphone and dial the familiar number. It rings and I’m chanting in my head and probably out loud for him to answer. The phone continues to ring, and ring and ring. Finally I hear the tell-tale beep. It sounds final, it sounds lonely. It sounds like the final proverbial nail in our relationship. It’s done. I hang up the phone and toss it back in my clutch as I feel the first tear fall. My dad walks out then. “Here you are. We were looking for you.” He gets close enough to see me. “Brooklyn, what’s wrong?” No words come, just deep wrenching sobs. I collapse into my father’s chest and cry into his arms like I was 17 again, when Bobby Macintyre broke my heart. But this is so much worse. This is worse because while I know there are plenty of Bobby Macintyres in the world there is only one Sidney Crosby. I pushed him away and he is never coming back.

Notes

Just a little glimpse into the fallout after Brooklyn left, enjoy!