You and I

“Good news Sid, you’re cleared to play.” I’m sitting in the training room with just a few days before the playoffs.

“Really?”

Our trainer nods. “Really. We wanted to take this slow for you, but it’s clear that you’re fine to play. If we kept you off the ice any longer I think it would do more harm than good.”

I can’t help but smile. “Thanks, man. I needed this today.”

“No problem. I’ll let the coaching staff know. Have a good day Sid.”

I walk to my car in an amazing mood and on a whim decide to head over to Brooklyn’s place. She’s staying in Pittsburgh even though she’s done shooting for a few months. When I get there I knock on the door and a frazzled Emma answers. “Oh, hey Sidney. Were you on her schedule for today?”

Her questions stalls for me a second. “Uh, no. I just figured I would stop by for lunch. I have some news.”

“Oh thank God, I knew that I cleared her schedule.” The assistant scribbles something on a piece of paper.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course, sorry!”

I walk into the townhouse and notice that it’s eerily silent. Usually, Brooklyn always has some kind of music playing or something on. This just doesn’t feel right, then I notice a half zipped bag on the counter. “Is Brooklyn going somewhere?”

Before Emma can answer Brooklyn walks down the stairs carrying a large duffle bag. “Okay I think I’m just about ready to go. If you could bring my car around that would be great.” She reaches the bottom of the stairs and drops the bag before continuing. “And I have most of the stuff rearranged…oh Sidney! I was just about to call you.”

I’m confused. “Yeah?”

She nods and zips up the suitcase. “I have to go home for a little while. Hopefully it won’t be long, but you never know.”

“Why? Is everything okay?”

Brooklyn smooths out her pants quickly. “We are having a bit of a family emergency, so I just need to be home.”

I walk over to her concerned. “Family emergency?”

“My dad’s in the hospital.”

“What?”

“It’s nothing too serious.” She shrugs and I can tell the movement is forced. “I just need to get on the road so I don’t get stuck in rush hour.”

“What can I do to help?”

She smiles and finally relaxes in my arms. “Nothing right now. I really don’t want to stress you out. I know that you will be playing soon.”

I wince. “Actually I got cleared today.”

“That’s great Sidney!” I love when she smiles. “And another reason why you should focus on this. I’ll be fine. And really I’m sure it’s nothing too major.”

Searching her eyes I look for the thing she isn’t telling me. I know that she’s keeping something from me. But everything just feels like such a contradiction. Brooklyn should be a mess or at least nervous, but no she looks put together and calm. “I can come with you.”

“Sidney, really. Stay here, I’ll keep you updated okay?” I nod even though I’m still unconvinced. “But I really need to leave.”

“Fine.” I kiss her on the forehead. “Let me know when you make it there.”

“Of course. And congratulations. I can’t wait to see you back on the ice.”

I walk her to the car and as she pulls away I can’t help but feel like she’s keeping something from me. I glance at Emma. “What isn’t she telling me?”

She bites her lip obviously caught in a difficult position. “Sidney, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“That’s all I needed to know.” I slide into my car and head back to Consol, hoping that the coaches are still at the arena.

*****


“I’m looking for Mr. Donahue’s room please?” I ask the receptionist when I get to the hospital. Standing there I shake the eerie feeling that I was just doing this for Sidney a few weeks ago. Of course, the circumstances couldn’t be more different. I make my way to the private room that I told my mom to ask for when she called this morning. When I get to the small waiting room a lot of my family is already gathered. They offer me sad smiles as I walk in. “Hey everybody.”

My mom is sitting in the corner clutching a tissue with my aunt and I walk over to her. Immediately she pulls me into a hug. “Oh, honey.”

“I’m here mom.” I squeeze tightly. “Have you heard anything?”

“He’s with the doctor right now.” She looks at me. “You look nice.”

I smile slightly, remembering this morning when I debated what I should wear. Every part of me wanted to wear a pair of sweatpants, but I knew that I couldn’t. I feel like shit so I have to look great. “Thanks mom. Have you heard from Brianna?”

“She’ll be here in an hour.” I nod. “How is Sidney?”

“He just got cleared to play actually.” I wonder again if I was right to keep this from Sidney. Of course, I didn’t lie, my father is in the hospital, but it’s very serious. “He sends his love.”

She nods and we both sit down. It’s tense in the waiting room and I notice a few more relatives walk in. All of us knew we were eventually going to be in this position, I just don’t think any of us actually wanted to believe it. The doctor walks in and I stand with my mother as we talk in the hallway. We hold hands as Dr. Thacker speaks. “He is stable and comfortable for now. I’m afraid at this point, this is all we can do for him.”

My mother squeezes my hand tightly, but doesn’t respond. “What does that mean?”

The doctor looks uncomfortable. “Without any more treatment it won’t be long. It’s up to you and Mr. Donahue on whether he would like to go home or stay here.”

I glance at my mother who is clearly in shock. “So give him more treatment. Chemo or radiation just do something.”

“We discussed this possibility a few weeks ago, Miss Donahue. Mr. Donahue and your mother are hesitant to go through another round of treatments.”

I didn’t know this. I assumed that they were doing everything to get him better. This just seemed like giving up. I got angry. “Well maybe we should rethink that.”

The silence is tense and finally my mother speaks up. “How long?”

The doctor sighs. “Without any more treatments and if we keep him in the hospital a few weeks maybe.”

“And if he goes home?”

“A few days.”

All conscious thoughts leave me. My father could be dead in less than a week. I try to breathe and find that I can’t. And then I feel my mother sway next to me and realize that I have to be the strong one here. “Thank you doctor. I know we have some things to discuss. Can we see my dad?”

He nods and leaves my mother and I alone. “Mom, are you okay?”

She sighs. “I suppose I knew what he was going to say, but still.”

“Why didn’t you tell me dad was refusing treatment?”

“It was tough on him, Brooklyn. He’s just been through so much and he hates it.”

“So he’s going to give up?” My words are harsh.

“That’s not what it is.”

I don’t even pretend to understand. “Can you make it back to the waiting room? I’m going to see Dad.” I stand outside the hospital room for a second trying to gather up some courage. And what I see inside, breaks my heart. My father looks close to death and it’s clear. I resist the urge to immediately start to cry. He’s sleeping and gently hold his hand, trying to ignore all of the tubes and wires around my dad. My brain can’t connect this man to the man that has been my rock, the man that raised me. I’m glad he’s sleeping because I have no idea if I could even talk to him. I sit there feeling alone, wishing desperately that Sidney was here. I should have told him. Finally someone comes in. It’s my aunt “Brooklyn, honey, your sister just got here.”

I nod and give my father a quick kiss on the forehead. “Can you sit with him please?”

Back in the waiting room I sit with my sister. We are all sitting quietly discussing dinner plans and taking turns sitting. Something needs to give though. I look at my mother and know that we need to talk about the future, about dad, about everything. For now though all of us are content to sit and wait until he wakes up.

We just finished ordering pizza when I notice a shadow at the doorway. I look up and I can’t believe that I see Sidney standing there. “Sidney?”

He looks at me and the assembled group and I know that he has realized that this is obviously a bigger deal than I led him to believe. I walk over to him and we hug. “Hey babe, how are you doing?”

“As best as can be expected.” I reintroduce him to my family before we take a seat near my mom. They hug and she seems genuinely happy to see him.

To Sidney’s credit he doesn’t ask for the real story just yet. I know it’s probably killing him not knowing. We sit making small talk and finally visiting hours are almost up. I talk to the nurses and arrange for at least one of us to stay the night. “Mom, you can stay tonight if you want. The staff said it was okay.”

She looks surprised, but just nods. “Thank you, Brooklyn. I’ll see you in the morning?”

I nod. “Of course. I have your list and I’ll bring that stuff in the morning. If you think of anything else let me know.”

“And thank you for coming as well Sidney.”

He smiles and gently hugs my mom. “I’m here to help, Mrs. Donahue.”

She nods tightly. “Alright, you three drive back to the house safe.”

We leave and all drive to my childhood home. Brianna heads to her old bedroom while Sidney and I stay downstairs for a few minutes. Now that we are alone I wonder how this is going to go.

*****


I watch as Brooklyn pours herself a glass of wine and hands me a beer. We are sitting in the kitchen of her childhood home and I don’t know how to feel. Part of me wants to be angry, but the other part just wants to hold her. Her father is dying and apparently has been for some time. After finishing her first glass she pours another. “Why are you here?”

“Brooklyn.” I want to understand this hostility. I can feel her putting space in between us and I want to know why. “Why did you lie?”

She sighs. “I didn’t want to inconvenience you.”

“Inconvenience me?” I’m shocked that she thinks I would consider this an inconvenience. “Your father is…”

“Dying. Yes, my father is dying Sidney. And really there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it.”

“You knew that this morning?”

“I’ve known for months. It’s cancer. He has a few days maybe a few weeks.”
She’s known for that long? She’s known this since we got back together and she’s been dealing this alone. “So that’s why you always go home. Why didn’t you say something? I could have helped you.”

“That’s the thing Sidney. There isn’t anything that anyone can do. He is going to die whether or not I told you about it and whether or not you are here. So I didn’t want you to come. You have responsibilities and I get that. I understand. I don’t need you here.”

“You don’t need me?” I scoff. “That’s really great Brooklyn. You’re right I do have responsibilities and I put you before them. I thought you would appreciate that.”

I said something wrong I can tell. She closes up. “That’s exactly what you aren’t supposed to do, Sidney. Don’t you understand! I’m holding you back. You should be playing in the game tomorrow, not here with me. I’m holding you back Sidney, like last time, like always. And tomorrow when people find out why you aren’t playing they are going to hate me even more. I’m bad for you Sidney, I always have been.”

Her words shock me and sound familiar. We aren’t talking about her father anymore, that much is obvious. This is all about us. “Do you really believe that?” She doesn’t answer and I push harder. “That’s why you left because you thought that you weren’t good enough.

“Sidney, don’t be dramatic.”

“That’s rich, coming from you.” He scoffs. “Stop it. You were afraid. You thought you were inadequate, bottom line.” I walk closer and corner her against a counter. “You are everything I wanted though and if you had talked to me I would have told you that. And now I thought we were back together, but apparently you still don’t need me.”

“It’s not like that.”

“But it is. This time around, is anything different? Or were you already working on a sequel to your letter?”

She sighs and starts to speak again.

“Please, be quiet for one second.” I hold her face in my hands and look into her blue yes, glassy with emotions. “You told me that you wanted me to have all the happiness the world. Don’t you know that you make me happy? Even when you are being stupid and secretive, you make me happy. Even when you snore at night I smile at you. And even now when I couldn’t be angrier I don’t know if I should shake you or kiss you senseless.”

We are silent and then finally Brooklyn relaxes into my arms. “I would really like you to kiss me.”

I chuckle. “Of course.”

We kiss and I can feel some of the tension release from her. We break apart. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“I shouldn’t have kept this from you. I just, I just can’t talk about it, because if I talk about it then this whole thing is actually happening. And I won’t have a dad. And when that happens I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

I see her façade slowly slipping and realize that she probably hasn’t had a moment to really let go all day. “There’s so much he is going to miss out on. He won’t see me get married or have children or anything else. Or Brianna’s children. What am I going to do?” She falls into tears and I pull her head to my chest. Brooklyn is shaking underneath me. “I’m so happy that you’re here Sidney, really.”

We stay there for a few minutes then we walk up to her bedroom. She blushes when I slide into bed with her, “What?”

“I never had a boy in here.”

I laugh. “Now I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, my dad would never…” She breaks off and takes a deep breath. Gently, I stroke her cheek. “He wouldn’t have approved.”

“I’ll apologize to him tomorrow.”

She laughs lightly. “You better.” I pull her body against mine and take a deep breath. “I’m sorry for everything Sidney.”

“Let’s never talk about that letter again. I just want to think about our future.” I pause and tilt her head up to face me. “I love you Brooklyn. Will you please be my future?”

She doesn’t answer immediately and I hold my breath. Then she smiles and I feel like I just scored an overtime goal. “I love you too Sidney and I would be honored.”

Notes