Cry to Me

Her face was so crimson with mortification that she thought she may start sweating from the heat. To say she was blushing was an understatement. She quickly closed the album, tired of seeing the picture of her naked with runny mascara, unkempt, disheveled hair, arms tied together at the elbows in a kneel as she posed with Henry's penis shoved all the way in the back of her throat. Her present face was the color of her ass that had recently been spanked in excess in the photo.

Sidney shifted uncomfortably in the corner of her eye, his face equally as red, but by the flare in his nostrils and hard look on his face, Dulci knew it was anger, not discomfiture.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled weakly, finding it hard to look at him.

"You're sorry because you have something to be sorry for? Or because I had to see all of this shit?" He returned in a clipped tone, waving his hand over all of the toys and album.

"For seeing all of this. Had I known this is what it was, I wouldn't have told you to open it.”Dulci quickly put the album back into the box along with the various toys and restraints, knowing that it would be easier to talk without iridescently colored anal beads and butt plugs on display before them. Why couldn't Henry have sent a birthday card, or nothing at all for that matter? What was his game, sending a box of used sex toys to her when she was in a relationship that didn't include that lifestyle apart from their night in Manhattan?

"So you would've rather opened it on your own? Hide the evidence?"

"That's not what I meant, Sid. Please don't be upset. This means nothing to me," she gestured toward the box, trying once again to reassure him that Henry was a distant memory, even if the remnants of him and their very erotic relationship was sitting on her counter in front of them.

"How can I not be upset when I see the intimate details of what my girlfriend and her ex used to do behind closed doors," he questioned harshly. Closing her eyes and swallowing hard, she willed herself not to cry. He wasn't being irrational. He had a good point. She wouldn't want to see Sidney and Carly sharing any intimate moments.

"Were they used?" He asked after some clipped hesitation. It felt as if all of her oxygen disappeared after falling off of the jungle gym at school. Why was he asking about it? She knew the package looked suspicious, but why did he want to torture her and himself by asking questions he knew she didn't want to answer. She looked at him, seeing that he was staring at a cock ring with a large dildo connection.

"Some of it," she responded truthfully and quietly as she slowly returned the toys to their box.

"This?" He asked holding up the dildo cock ring, pinching as little silicon as possible.

"No," she snatched it quickly from him, putting it in the box. She looked at him to read him. He looked disgusted, and her heart fell at his look.

"Did you know about the pictures?" He was gripping the edge of her island counter like it was the only thing keeping him standing. He kept his gaze away from Dulci's as if it the impending blow would be less painful or upsetting.

She weighed her options, nervously swiping her nonexistent fallen hair behind her ear. She could tell him she didn't and lie, or tell him she did and deal with the aftermath and possible judgment. They'd just discussed honesty only two days prior. She felt his solicitous gaze burning into her, and when she looked at him, he was looking at her expectantly.

"Yes," she whispered.

Sidney exhaled as if he'd been kicked in the stomach, as if her answer was an instant reversal to a sedative, smelling salt under the nose, instant sobriety. He paced back and forth, different scenarios going through his head. Henry had the audacity to send the pictures, and what if he had more copies? Who else would he send them to? And how irresponsible and naive was Dulci to let him take explicit pictures in extremely compromising positions? Unwelcome were the ideas about those photos being released on the Internet or to gossip magazines. He imagined his parents, extended family, and teammates, seeing the photos. What if his coaches and agent found them? How would he explain it away? What would it do to his reputation? He’d managed to keep his private life extremely private, but the pictures could compromise everything.More importantly, what would those photos do to Dulci's professional career? He could see sleaze balls coming in with their pets, making passes and comments about her. The thoughts only fueled his anger more.

"Say something," Dulci implored as she moved in front if him, reaching for his hand.

"I don't have anything to say," he said numbly and coolly, finally looking into her eyes again. "This is a lot to digest. I need to think," he muttered as he pulled his hand out of hers, walking around her toward the front door.

Dulci stood like a statue in her kitchen for what seemed like an hour, replaying the afternoon over and over in her mind before she sunk to the floor, leaning against the island cabinets. She'd never doubted or regretted her life style until that moment. He was judging her, just like she feared from the beginning and he didn't even know her deepest, darkest secret - the abortion and the reason for her decision to participate in BDSM other than the vague explanation she told him. She felt dirty all of a sudden, as if he found her undesirable because of the things she used to do. It shouldn't have been a shock considering he met her only wearing leather cuffs. Carly caught him looking up BDSM sex toys. He even bound her wrists with his belt and insinuated on doing it again before the ice skating incident.

Reaching into the counter for her phone, she dialed him number, growing more and more anxious with every unanswered ring. She ended the call when his voicemail answered, pulling her legs up, letting her head fall to her bent knees as she hugged them and cried.

Sidney sat in Marc’s driveway, aimlessly and vacantly staring ahead at his friend’s house as he recounted the events of the last hour.He was going to drive to his house, but decided he needed someone to talk to, needed some sort of normalcy after being faced with the toys, the restraints, the album.Of course, when he arrived, both Marc and Vero’s cars were gone, and Sidney didn’t have the mental or physical capacity to put his car in reverse to drive away.

What was she thinking letting someone take her picture like that?It was so mind-boggling and maddening that Dulci could be so mindless and compulsive while also being incredibly intelligent and sensible.She didn’t even seem to care that those pictures had resurfaced, or that he was simmering with rage when he saw them.He thought about why she let him take the pictures.Were they supposed to be utilized as a pleasure device along side of the toys?Were they for Henry’s pleasure to use when they weren’t together, and if that was the case, was he still using them?Did Henry think Dulci would use them?

Pulling out his phone, he saw the notification that Dulci had called but didn’t leave a message.His thumb hovered over the call button as he wanted to call her, but he needed some time to process everything, mostly his immense jealousy over Dulci’s past relationship with Henry and his own feelings of inadequacy.She’d reassured him numerous times what Henry meant nothing, even while in their strange relationship, but he always seemed to creep unwelcomed into theirs.

Clearing the notification, he opened the Internet browser, typed in “Dulci Hammett,” and pressed search, holding his breath as he waiting for the images to load.He prayed that there wouldn’t be any incriminating photos of her from that album.He quickly scanned the tiny thumbnails, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief when nothing of Dulci appeared except the professional photograph taken for the animal hospital’s website.Her innocent, passionate, professional look made him smile.She was wearing her white doctor’s coat with a mauve colored shirt underneath. She was cradling one of her textbooks in her arms, looking very smart.It was one of the first things he found very attractive about her when they met for the second time.She, like him, was lucky enough to find something she was exceptionally good at, something that she had an unfaltering passion for.

It occurred to him that he’d never actually looked at the hospital’s website, and on a whim, he tapped on the photo, letting the hospital website load.Underneath the website photo was a small bio:

Dulci Hammett, DVM

Dr. Hammett joined our team in 2012 after obtaining a Doctorate of Veterinary Medicine from the Virginia-Maryland Regional College of Veterinary Medicine at Virginia Tech. She attending undergrad at Virginia Tech and graduated Summa Cum Laude in 2008.Not a native of the Pittsburgh area, she moved here shortly after graduating and decided to call Pittsburgh her home.

Dr. Hammett is an active member of the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA), the Pennsylvania Veterinary Medical Association (PVMA), and is USDA accredited.

While she enjoys all aspects of veterinary medicine, Dr. Hammett takes a special professional interest in oncology, internal medicine, geriatric medicine, orthopedic surgery, and rehabilitation, making her an invaluable asset to our team.She does not shy away from a difficult case. One of Dr. Hammett’s long-term goals is to open an orthopedic rehabilitation facility in the area.

In her free time, you can find Dr. Hammett reading various genres of books, cultivating her cooking skills, jogging and exploring, and spending time with her cat Meatball.

“And posing in compromising positions while participating in deviously kinky sex,” Sidney sighed, vocally adding to her bio as he looked at her picture.Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone walking up to his window from behind his car, and when he looked, he found Vero and Estelle waving at him from outside.

“No Dulci?” Vero asked as Sidney opened the door to climb out.Sidney barely shut the door before Estelle was reaching out for him through Vero’s arms.

“No Dulci,” he responded sadly as he swung Estelle around in his arms, happy that her tiny giggles pulled him out of his sour, gloomy mood.

“Everything alright?” Vero asked, picking up on his melancholy tone.

“Yeah, but it’s complicated.”She could tell by look that he didn’t want to discuss his and Dulci’s issues in front of Estelle or outside.“Come inside.Marc should be home soon.”

“Make yourself at home, Sid,” Vero shouted from a different room as Sidney scouted the refrigerator for something to drink, hopefully of the alcoholic variety.Taking his jacket off, he settled onto the couch, wondering if Vero could give him some advice.Could he tell Vero about Dulci’s past preferences?Would that be a breach in trust?Would Vero judge Dulci if he told her?His thoughts were interrupted as Vero sat down next to him, Estelle in her arms as she turned on some children’s show that he didn’t recognize.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she said as she pointed at the television.

“Not at all,” he smiled politely, taking a swig of beer that he decided on from the refrigerator.

“Alright.What’s going on?” Vero probed.Sidney hesitated, looking at Estelle with a look that told Vero he didn’t want to talk about it in front of her young daughter.“She won’t understand anything you’re saying.”

With a large intake of breath, Sidney thought about how to condense and summarize everything in a way that wouldn’t tell Vero about Dulci’s past.As he began to talk, stopping and starting several times, he realized that the fundamental problem wasn’t the pictures or the toys, it was the paralyzing, unfounded idea that he couldn’t please her sexually like Henry could, that she would want what Henry gave her more than what he could give her, that if he tried to do what she liked, that he would be mediocre at best.

“Dulci’s last relationship was unconventional,” he started, not sure how he would follow up.

“How so?”

“She likes to do unusual things,” he fumbled as he tried to find a way to be cryptic while explaining in enough detail to get the point across.

“I’m not really following,” she smiled confusedly.

“She’s into BDSM,” he resigned, rubbing his cheek as a distraction and a way to hide the embarrassment evident on his face.He waited for the surprise of his admission to resonate around the room as Vero registered what he said, but all he could hear were the sounds of Estelle playing with a doll and the children’s TV show.

“And?” Vero asked, her voice inquiring as if encouraging him to continue.He was taken aback by her lack of reaction.

“And it’s not something I’m familiar with.”

“Does she give or receive?” Vero investigated, still not at all surprised.

“Receives.”

“So, you’re feeling inadequate because you’re not familiar?” Vero asked as she put Estelle on the floor with her doll. It made Sidney redden with mortification that his teammate’s wife was getting to know the intimate part of his relationship with Dulci, and the problem he was having, and it made him feel like he was impotent.

“For the lack of better words, yes.”

“Does Dulci make you feel inadequate, or is it an idea in your head that’s making you feel inadequate?”

“The latter,” he muttered, half of him regretting starting the conversation.He feared that Vero would tell Marc about what they discussed, and if she did, he knew he’s get teased relentlessly for it.

“What’s making you think you’re not good enough?”

“Her ex-boyfriend or whatever he was sent her a package of BDSM toys, restraints, and an album of pictures he’d taken of her in the act.I’ve never seen some of that stuff in my life.”

“Are you afraid she’ll ask you to indulge in that lifestyle, or are you nervous that you won’t be good enough?”Sidney looked at Vero in awe.She knew him and understood his competitiveness, his need to be the best at everything. “You don’t have to answer.If you don’t want to do it, then don’t.If she cared about you, then she shouldn’t make you do something you don’t want to.”

“That’s the thing, she’s never asked for it except for one time,” he remembered.

“And was it something you’d do again, assuming you did it?”

“Yes,” he smiled, remembering how erotic and sexy that night was.

“Did she enjoy it?”

“Yes.”

“Then stop overthinking everything.If she thought you were inadequate or only wanted to be in that kind of relationship, she would’ve dumped you by now.”

Thankfully, his phone started vibrating in his pocket, allowing him to focus on something else.It was Dulci, calling for what looked like the second time, but before he excuse himself to answer it, the call ended.

“I was a jerk,” he admitted as he looked at Dulci’s name under his missed calls.“She told me to open the box while she went to the bathroom, thinking it was from one of her English family members, and I lost it when I opened it.I was accusatory and it wasn’t her fault.She didn’t know.I guess I never expected to see an album full of orgasm pictures that she knew about or two dozen brightly colored toys, some of which were used according to her.”

“Sidney, maybe you should talk to her about this.I’m sure she’d understand your reservations.”

“I’m angry that she knew about the pictures.I can’t wrap my head around it.Did she even think about how this could come back to haunt her?Or me?”

“I’m sure it was done in the moment.She probably didn’t think even remember them, and she probably never considered the possibility of dating her best friend’s boyfriend and face of the NHL.”

“And what’s worse is that had I not been so infuriated by the whole package, I probably would’ve enjoyed those pictures.”

His phone vibrated in his hand, signifying a text message. It was from Dulci.

*Please let me know that you’re ok.

“She obviously cares about you,” Vero smiled as she stood from the couch, scooping her sleeping daughter into her arms. “Go to her and talk to her.”

As they walked toward the front door, Sidney said goodbye to Vero and Estelle, who was grumpy from being awoken from her catnap. Sidney tickled her neck playfully, causing Estelle to giggle in spite of her moodiness.

“Thank you for the chat.”

“Anytime,” she smiled warmly. “And after of this is all said and done,” she started, putting her hand over Estelle’s exposed ear, “maybe you two can make your own private album,” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, making Sidney shake his head his head and snort out a laugh as he waved and walked to his car.It wasn’t a bad idea.

Dulci was startled awake as she felt two arms picking her up. While she knew it was Sidney, probably carrying her to bed so she didn’t spend the entire night sleeping on her couch, she wasn’t expecting him to return.He hadn’t returned her calls or text message.She was in such a haze from the narcotics she took after she over extended her weakened and underused muscles taking the box to the trash outside.She nuzzled into his neck, hoping he was there to stay for the night and not just to put her to bed.He gently set her on her feet once they arrived in her bedroom.She wasn’t sure if she should say anything, so she stood in silence, watching him as he shrugged his jacket off.He moved toward her, pulling at the Velcro of her sling as he slowly and carefully pulled it from her arm and over her head.He pulled at the hem of her shirt next, pulling it over her head, leaving her top half in just a bra.He reached around to unsnap it, pulling the straps off of her shoulders.Dulci felt exposed, and not in a good way.She recalled the picture of her wearing nipple clamps, and worried that that image would sully the way Sidney saw her.She didn’t want him to see her through Henry’s pictures.She feared that he would forever see her as that girl.Never taking his eyes away from hers, he pulled a sleeveless shirt over her head and arms.She was ready to tell him she could dress herself when he spoke.

“This is one thing I have with you that he didn’t.” His voice was quiet, and it killed her that Sidney always compared himself to Henry.

“There are plenty of things you have with me that he didn’t,” she responded.

“Like what?”

“He’s never made love to me. He’s never sent me flowers when I was upset.He’s never held my hand.He’s never taken me to Canada,” she smiled, trying to lighten the heavy mood in the room.She relaxed a little when he gave her a small smile.“He’s never paid for me to go to a veterinary conference, which I will pay you back for.He’s never cared about what I didn’t for a living.He’s never invited me to his house.He’s never introduced me to anyone in his family.He’s never asked me about anything other than sex.He’s never wanted me for anything other than sex.He never made me feel beautiful or cherished.He didn’t love me,” she told him, imploring him to tell her he loved her still, that the pictures and toys didn’t fuck everything up.

“I know this is unrealistic, but I hate that he made you look the same way that I do. I want to be the only person to see you like that, ever.”

“You’re the only person I want to see me like that, ever.”

He kissed her sweetly as an answer to her unasked question as to whether he loved her still, and as a display of his appreciation for their small, but monumental admissions before repeating the entire process on her lower half, taking her jeans off and replacing them with pajama pants, walking her over to the bed. He undressed himself and climbed into bed next to her, settling in behind her as they laid down to sleep.

Notes