I watched the seconds countdown on the scoreboard. 5 minutes 33...32...31..30. The third period had felt like an eternity. My job was usually not one that had me wishing time moved faster, but with the score 1-1 and my head spinning I found myself wishing someone would score, anyone, just so I could get away from the screaming fans and florescent lights. My face felt hot and I couldn’t shake the anxious feeling that welled inside me. I couldn’t tell if I was incredibly hungry or extremely nauseous. I took a sip of water, trying to ground myself.
I am in the Consol Energy Center.
We are playing St.Louis.
Sidney has an assist.
It’s November.
I rattled of facts in my mind trying to distract myself from the growing discomfort that was taking over my body.
My favourite colour is purple.
My favourite movie is The Exorcist.
4 minutes 2 seconds, 1 second. 4 minutes. 3:59...3:58. We were getting closer to the end and it was getting harder to distract myself.
I was born in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island.
My father is a doctor.
My mother is a writer.
I have 34 tattoos. No, 33. No, 34.
It was at that point that everything started to go out of focus. I don’t remember the time passing, but I remember walking to the locker room with the team before we went into overtime. I remember Dan asking if I was okay. I remember Sidney’s face. But I don’t remember falling.

I woke up to the squealing sirens of the ambulance and the figures of two men beside me. Even with the bright light, it felt like I couldn’t see anything. My eyelids were heavy and my thoughts were fuzzy. I decided to close my eyes again.
The second time I woke up I wasn’t moving anymore. It was relatively quiet except for the hum of the lights and the soft beeping of machines. I opened my eyes to stare up at a tiled ceiling with blinding lights. Confused and groggy I looked around to see a closed curtain surrounding me and Serena asleep in a chair at my side. It didn’t take long for me to realize I wasn’t at the rink anymore.

“Oh good!” I cheery nurse peeked through the curtains. “You’re awake.” She came in and checked the IV that I hadn’t noticed I was attached to. “How are you feeling?” She asked writing something on the chart next to my bed.
“I’m not sure,” I replied. My voice horse. “Why am I here?” at this point Serena started to wake up.
“You took a little snooze while standing up,” the nurse chuckled. “But I’ll send the doctor in to see you right away.”
I looked over at Serena who was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. Fear came crashing over me as the realization that I was in a hospital room with no memory of the event that sent me there.
“Serena?” I whispered, my vocal cords tight as I tried to fight back tears. “What’s going on?”
Without saying anything she kicked off her shoes and crawled onto my bed. While she held my weak body against her, she tried to explain what she knew.
She’d been in bed when the phone rang. She’d ignored it the first few times, but the persistent ringing pulled her from the comfort of her blankets. It was Sidney on the other end of the line. She told me his voice was panicked and he was hard to understand. He’d found my phone in my purse and didn’t know who to call. After I’d passed out, Larry rode with me to the hospital. Sid had to go back on the ice for overtime, but the second St.Louis scored and ended the game, he was pulling off his gear and heading to the hospital. Frantically, Serena agreed to meet him at the hospital. The doctor couldn’t tell her exactly what had happened because of confidentiality laws, but he assured her that I was fine and gave me a sedative so I could get some rest. Apparently I’d woken up in a panic shortly after Serena and Sidney had arrived.
Although she hadn’t given me any answers, I was comforted by my best friend’s voice, by her arms supporting me. We lay together for almost an hour before Sidney came in. His hair was a mess, his suit was wrinkled and he looked exhausted. When he saw that I was awake, he dropped the bag he’d been carrying and ran towards me, scooping me up in his arms and kissing the side of my head repeatedly. I’d never bring it up, but for a moment I swore he was crying. When he finally let go, he looked at me with such relief you’d think I’d nearly died. He didn’t say anything, just kissed my forehead and held my hand between his. I was about to open my mouth when the doctor came in. He was an older man, with dark hair that was graying at the temples.

“Beatrice Keller,” he greeted me, referring to his clipboard. “I’m Dr. Aplin.” He held out his hand and I shook it, forcing Sid to let go of me. “Do you mind if we chat in here? Or would you be more comfortable in my office?”
“Here is fine,” I smiled, I couldn’t imagine he’d say anything that I didn’t want Sidney to hear, much less Serena.
“Okay,” he flipped through the pages of my chart and frowned. “Beatrice, we have your medical files here and what concerns me is the inpatient care you received in Philadelphia and the circumstances.” I felt my face getting hot. I looked at Sid who stared back at me confused. Immediately I knew what was wrong. I knew what I’d done, and I wanted desperately to keep it from Sidney. But it was too late, the doctor kept talking.
“We did some blood work while you were asleep and the labs have shown a few things. First, is a drastically low sugar level which alone explains your lightheadedness. Now according to your chart you’ve been on a medicated called quetiapine for some time now.”
I nodded, confirming his statement. I refused to look at Sidney, who stood silently beside me.
“One of the side effects of quetiapine is increased sugar levels. The other things the labs showed was that there are no traces of quetiapine in your system. Do you know what happens when you stop taking things cold turkey?” His voice was kind, but I felt like I was being chastised.
I nodded again, unable to speak. Tears filling my eyes.
“Is there a reason you stopped taking it?” he asked.
“I...” my voice wavered, “I forgot.” It was a terrible excuse, but partially true. With Sidney around, I didn’t feel like I needed it anymore. I felt healthy, I felt normal. More than that, I didn’t want him to know I was on anything.
“I’m almost certain that the reason you fainted is a side effect of withdrawal. While the drug isn’t addictive, your body does come to rely on it in some ways.” I stared down at my hands as he spoke, avoiding the eyes of everyone in the room.
“But she’s going to be okay?” Sidney spoke, his voice, like mine, was unsteady.
“Provided she isn’t falling into old habits, and continues to take the medication prescribed to her, Beatrice should be perfectly fine.” Dr.Aplin replied smiling.
He told me he’d be back in a few hours and left us alone in the room. Humiliated, I closed my eyes and tried to choke back the tears that threatened to escape my squeezed eyelids. Serena said something about getting coffee, and soon it was only Sidney and I. Being my best friend, Serena knew about my past and my present. Nothing the doctor had said could come as a shock to her. But in a few minutes, Sidney had learned more about me than I’d ever wanted to tell him.
I felt my bed shift. My eyes were still closed but I knew he’d climbed up next to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his chest. Every touch made it harder and harder to fight the tears. His clean scent, the security of his embrace and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat under my head, all made it next to impossible to keep myself together.
“Can you explain this to me?” Sidney broke the silence in the room.
“I’m not crazy,” I replied, finally looking at him. “I know that’s what you’re probably thinking.” I wiped my damp eyes with the back of my hand. He looked down at me with such gentleness. A look I’d never seen in my life.
“Nope,” he brushed my hair back from my face. “You can tell me anything.’
I took a deep breath and tried to remember when it started. “My whole life I’ve struggled with things. We didn’t really realize it until I was in high school. For most of my life before that I thought it was normal to feel the way I did. Racing thoughts, nervous habits, and sadness. Anyway, I started on anti-depressants during my first degree. I’m not ashamed, but it’s the last thing I want to tell people.” I paused, waiting for a reply, but his eyes told me to keep going. “They helped so much, for the first time in my life I felt like I could handle things. I slept at night, I could focus in classes. It wasn’t until I started taking them that I really realized how much of my time I spent hiding from the world. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with anything, but the word bipolar has come up a few times.”
“That’s scary stuff,” he murmured, still holding me tightly.
“I know it is. And that’s why I don’t tell people. I don’t want you to think that I’m some kind of weak or broken person.”
“I wouldn’t think that,” he replied. “So if the pills were so helpful, why did you stop taking them?”
“It started because I’d forget to bring them with me. I’d always go home in the morning so I was able to take the other ones, but I just kept forgetting to take the night ones with me. I felt okay without them. I felt like with you I could handle anything. I didn’t want to have to explain what I was taking before we fell asleep every night.” I knew I was rambling, but he listened patiently.
“I understand why you’d think all those things,” he said, after taking a few seconds to process what I’d said. “But taking medication isn’t going to scare me off. If I was going to run I would have done it when you locked me out of the bathroom our first night together.”
I laughed remembering that night. It felt so long ago.
“So is this why you were in the hospital in Philadelphia?” He asked.
I sighed and tried to find the best way to tell him there was more to the situation. “Kind of,” I began. “After Millie and I broke up for good I was kind of a mess. I spent the first few weeks hiding in my apartment playing video games, but eventually something clicked and I decided I needed to do everything I could to better myself. I was so overwhelmed by everything in my life, school, Millie being gone, the idea of graduating. The only thing I thought I could control was food.” I didn’t want to continue. I didn’t want to tell him my biggest weakness. I didn’t want to risk what we had.
“And?” He gently urged me to continue.
“And I made some really stupid decisions. The summer after I graduated it got worse. I was living with my brother and I guess I took it too far because I collapsed one day in the middle of a room full of people. I spent the rest of the summer in treatment. For the most part I’m fine. I thought was over it, but with the changes in my life I started to feel overwhelmed. It sounds so stupid but things were too good. I got scared I needed something I could control.” I held my breath while I waited for his reply. I silently prepared myself for goodbye. No one wanted to have to deal with this kind of drama. His silence terrified me and the tears returned to my eyes. I wasn’t ready to let go of him.
“I’m sorry,” he finally spoke. He wiped the tears off of my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. “I’m sorry you’ve gone through all this. I know change is hard, I wish you could have told me this sooner.” He still had that look of compassion and love that gave me goosebumps.
“I understand if you want to end this,” I said softly, giving him an out.
He stared at me bewildered. “Do you want to end this?” he asked hesitantly.
I shook my head furiously and wiped the tears off of my cheeks.
“Good,” he smiled. “Because I’m not very good with change, and I’ve gotten used to your hair in my face while I sleep and your terrible music in my C.D player.”
I cried harder knowing that he wanted me around. Tears of relief and exhaustion slipping down my face.

I was released later that day after assuring the doctor that I’d take better care of myself. Sidney and I drove in silence to my apartment, somehow he seemed to know that I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to move on, forget about the humiliating experience. He sat on the couch with Serena while I showered. Relieved to get the smell of hospital out of my hair and the residue from the IV tape off of my hands, I stayed under the hot stream twice as long as I usually would. I tried to stop them, but as the got water beat down against my back memories flooded my mind. Memories of Millie, and my time after her, the hospital, the move to Pittsburgh. Things I hadn’t thought about in years. Fear was the main reason for my initial fall into disordered eating, and again it was fear that had led to my literal and figurative collapse. Fear of the unknown, fear of losing control, but most of all fear of failing. As I sat in the bathtub, under the spray of the shower, I promised myself that I wasn’t going to let fear control me anymore, it wasn’t going to ruin my job, my relationship with Sidney, or my life.

Notes

I cannot explain how nervous I was to post this. I wrote it a few weeks ago and kept putting it off and writing chapters to lead up to it. I was going to wait until next week to post again, but I have a lot of time on my hands lately and I'm getting really into it. I hope you guys don't mind, but I don't think I'm going to stop anytime soon, especially not until school starts up again. I really want to hear your feedback.

Also, if you have any questions or need to chat, my inbox is always open :)

Also, also, I listen to a lot of the same song again and again when I write. Would you guys be interested in me posting links to those songs in my note?
xx T