The only way to describe my relationship with Sidney was hard and fast. Both words that terrified me. My plan to take things slowly was thrown out the window the day he brought me home from the hospital and even further obliterated when it was assumed that I’d be the one looking after his recovery. The series of MRIs done after the hit had shown a lasting, but manageable concussion and in the spirit of caution, Sidney wouldn’t be doing anything physical until after the holidays. The only time I’d ever seen him angry off of the ice was the day Larry delivered the news.
“For fuck sakes!” he cried, slamming his fists on the desk. “As if I don’t have enough people doubting me, now we have to tell the media I’m on IR again!?”
My hand resting on his thigh, I rubbed my thumb in circular motions against the skin showing as his shorts rode up, trying to provide some kind of soothing support.
Larry went on to tell him that it was imperative that he take a few weeks to relax and we would revisit the issue after Christmas. Dan added that his health was more important than impressing the critics and I reminded him that Christmas was only two weeks away.
“Look on the bright side, Sid. How many players can say their team medic is also their close friend? We’re basically giving you time off to spend alone with an attractive female.” Larry laughed, managing to earn a slight smile from the otherwise sour Sidney.
“About that,” Sid looked at Dan, who was laughing along with Larry. “We want to make sure that our relationship isn’t going to be a problem for the team.” I dug my fingers into his thigh nervously. We’d talked about making sure it wasn’t a problem, but hadn’t expected him to bring it up so soon. I held by breath waiting for an answer. I instantly decided that if Dan should say no, I would quit and go back to working at the community club. A thought that was against everything I believed in. Quitting my dream job for a guy was a ridiculous idea, but I was dead serious.
“It shouldn’t be a problem,” Dan replied after a slight pause. “I trust that you two are adults and can handle yourselves in such a manner.” In a professional way he was saying don’t have sex between periods.

Before we could leave, Sidney had to speak to the press, an activity that left him jittery and anxious. I stood off to the side as he answered their questions.
When will you be back? - We can only estimate some time after the holidays.
How are you feeling?- I’m doing okay, but we want to stay on the safe side.
Have you watched the replays? Do you know what happened?- I try not to watch those until I’m closer to returning. From what I can tell it was just a wrong place wrong time kind of thing. Obviously there was no malicious intent I just had my head down for longer than I should have.
Are you planning on travelling with the team on this next road trip?- We haven’t decided yet.
Any comments on Shanahan handing out a three game suspension on the hit?- Nope.
Their questions were as expected, and we were all relieved when Sidney wrapped everything up by thanking them for coming. We’d all seen press conferences get ugly and no one wanted to deal with obnoxious reporters, least of all Sidney who was visibly tired.

“That went well,” I squeezed his hand as we walked out to the parking lot. “The press I mean, not the whole IR part.” I laughed nervously as we approached the truck.
“Yeah, it could have been worse. The press and the MRI.” He fished in his pocket for the keys to his truck.
I stood next to him and held my hand out palm up, waiting for him to hand them over.
“I’m fine to drive,” he whined, holding them in front of me.
“I wasn’t aware you had a masters in sports medicine,” I put my hand on my hip and looked at him annoyed.
“I wasn’t aware...” he paused, trying to think of something sarcastic to say. Coming up with nothing he shook his head and dropped the keys in my open hand.
“Thank you,” I kissed his cheek and unlocked the doors.
He grumbled and walked around to the passenger side.
I pulled out of the parking lot and headed towards my apartment. I was running low on clothes and with a few days off I was going to want some of my things. While I refused to technically move in to the oversized house with him, I hadn’t slept in my own bed in weeks. We hadn’t discussed the idea of anything permanent and I was more than happy to hold on to some shred of independence when it seemed like everything else in our lives was becoming increasingly intertwined. After everything I’d gone through with Millie, I had to continuously remind myself that this was different. They were different people in so many ways. I was a different person in so many ways. Serena once used the word guarded when describing me. Of course I was unable to recognize that in myself, to me it seemed like everyone knew too much about me. It was as if people could see my crazy no matter how hard I tried to hide it, but in reality those were just insecurities I was projecting onto the world.

We unlocked the heavy purple door expecting to find the apartment empty. Instead, we found the TV on and a pair of men’s dress shoes in front of the door. I couldn’t imagine Serena would have any non-platonic company over during the day, and assumed it was one of her coworkers.
“S?” I called, noting that the kitchen and living room were empty. No sooner had a called for her, did the bathroom door swing open releasing clouds of steam into the hallway.
“You’re officially not allowed to wear a shirt anymore,” Serena giggled to the mystery man as she stepped out of the bathroom.
“We’re just grabbing some stuff,” I said a little louder and headed towards her.
“Holy shit!” She screamed, startled by my presence. “I didn’t know you were here.” She was wrapped in a towel and her wet hair was slicked back.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” I laughed and tried to get a look at who was in the bathroom.
“Bea?” I heard a deep voice coming from the bathroom. Before I could reply, Geno stepped out of the fog and stood behind Serena, a towel wrapped around his waist and water dripping from his body.
I stared at my best friend confused, my mouth hanging open.
“Babe, I’m going to make a sandwich or something, do you want anything?” Sidney called from the kitchen, obviously unaware that his teammate was standing half naked in the hallway.
I continued to stare at them, not quite able to form words.
Serena looked at me blushing, her teeth digging into her bottom lip.
“Babe?” Sid said again, his voice coming closer as he came up behind me. “Oh,” he stopped, seeing Evgeni and Serena. “What’s up guys?” He laughed and placed his hand on my hip.
“How’s head, Sid?” Geno asked casually while Serena and I stared at each other.
“It’s been better,” he replied casually.
“How long have you two been...?” I finally asked my best friend who stood nervously hugging the towel around her.
“A few weeks?” She looked back at Geno for support. “We’re not like together together,” she clarified.
“That’s cool,” I replied, taking in the situation and realizing that there was no reason for me to be upset or concerned. They were adults, just like Sidney and I
“Wait,” Geno cried looking Sidney and I up and down. “You two?” he questioned us, grinning.
Sid smiled and nodded at him.
“Way to go Captain!” Geno laughed and they highfived. “I knew it from the start!”
“Weirdos,” I looked at the two men while they patted each other on the backs.

Serena and I left the two hockey players in the living room and retreated to her bedroom so I could get the details. I lay on her bed with Luna purring softly beside me while Serena got dressed.
“How is it?” I asked, scratching the cat behind her ears.
“He’s pretty awesome,” she replied, doing up the zipper of her jeans. “I don’t think it’s going to be serious anytime soon.”
“Nothing wrong with that,” I chuckled, remember a time when I didn’t want anything serious with Sidney.
“Yeah, I don’t plan on getting a job with the team and moving in with him,” she laughed, putting deodorant on and adjusting her bra.
“You don’t plan that kind of thing. First you get the job, then you get the guy, then you both end up in the hospital and things escalate.” I grinned at her. “Besides, I didn’t say I was moving in with Sidney.”
“Might as well,” she pulled her sweater on.
“That’s a one way ticket to long term.”
“Not ready to return to your rightful place as Mayor of Monogamy?” She asked, standing in front of the mirror.
“Monogamy is fine, I just don’t want get to be the Senator of Serious.”
“I think you’re already pretty serious,” she looked back at me with slight concern. “Yeah, I guess.” I got off of the bed and started straightening out the sheets and blankets.
“He told you he loved you, didn’t he?” She was my best friend for a reason.
“And that he wanted to have tiny humans.” I kept myself busy with making the bed.
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing, on the surface.” I took a breath, I’d been trying to forget about the mess of emotions inside of me.
“I get it,” she went to the other side of the bed and helped me pull the comforter straight. “I remember how hard it was for you when you moved here.”
“What if I fuck it up somehow?” I fluffed the pillows and placed them at the head of the bed. “What if he fucks it up?”
“Then we get drunk, eat some ice cream, and you’ll eventually get over it.” She said frankly. “If that’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. It doesn’t matter who you’re dating, there are going to be struggles. What matters is how you let them defeat you. Would you rather walk around scared and wonder about everything, or just say fuck it and jump in, knowing that if something happens I’ll be there to help you pick up the pieces. Don’t let what happened in the past with Millie ruin your future with Sidney.”

I left with a sense of comfort and security. I could always trust Serena to ease my troubled mind. She was right, as usual, things were going to happen in their own way.
“We should go get a tree and stuff,” Sidney suggested as we pulled away from the apartment. I’d packed a bag full of clothes and things I was going to want, including extra bottles of my favourite bubble bath and shampoo. “Maybe some decorations.”
We’d only talked about decorating a few days ago, but it was nice to now that he hadn’t forgotten his promise. He suggested Macy’s and I agreed enthusiastically, pulling onto the busy road heading downtown. As the traffic flowed through the snowy streets, I looked over at him sitting beside me. His hair peeked out under the edge of his black Penguins hat and the colour had returned to his face. He looked more alert than he had in the last few days. I admired his shoulders, they filled out his black peacoat perfectly. I was often surprised that a small town boy could dress so well. He wore well fitting jeans, that I had recently learned were custom tailored to accommodate his abnormal bum to leg ratio, and leather shoes that weren’t quite dress wear but were far nicer than sneakers. I smiled to myself, knowing that I had a hot boyfriend. Sidney reached across the centre console and squeezed my leg affectionately. I’d changed out of my regular work clothes at the apartment in favour of heavy burgundy knit tights and a a short black dress with buttons up the front. My green felt jacket flared out at the waist and had shiny black buttons. Paired with brown lace up boots and a gray scarf I felt good, not to mention warm.
We drove along hand in hand and chatted candidly about the Christmas decor of our homes growing up. I told him about my mother’s train set and model village and he brought up fresh wreaths and garland. He told me since moving into his own house a few years prior, he hadn’t bothered to do much decorating, turns out he wasn’t the most gifted of tree trimmers. By the time we pulled into a park space at Macy’s, I had an idea of what I wanted. Lights, garland and of course, mistletoe.
I had assumed that because we’d told the team about our relationship, we were free to be together in public. He had another idea. When I reached for his hand while we walked through the isles, he casually reached for something at the same moment, any time I tried to stand close to him, he’d shift his weight away from me. I tried not to be hurt by his unaffectionate distance, but I had hoped we’d spend the day romantically picking out things to enjoy together. He pushed the cart while I loaded it with fake garlands and boxes upon boxes of lights. We briefly considered buying an artificial tree, but decided there was no reason not to go for the full experience and buy the biggest real tree we could find. I picked out different coloured balls, sparkling snowflake ornaments, and some candy canes for an additional touch. By that point our cart was spilling over and Sidney had already been approached twice. Once by a young woman with a tiny baby strapped to her chest, who exclaimed excitedly how happy her husband was going to be as Sid signed a scrap of paper and I took a picture of them, and another time by an older woman and her grandson who nervously told Sidney about his own hockey career. Both times Sidney greeted the fans with a big smile and thanked them for their support. When the young boy asked my name Sid smiled and told him I worked for the team and was helping out with the decorating. As they walked off, I glared at Sid and decided I’d had enough shopping for one day.

The drive back to his house was quiet, I didn’t want to say anything for fear of losing my composure. We both had enough stress and I didn’t need to bring up how hurt I was by his comments, not yet at least. I turned on the radio and we sat listening to a public broadcast on consumerism and age demographics. He could tell I was angry, but in the interest of peace, didn’t bring it up. I was thankful for that, I just needed a few hours to myself and I’d forget about the whole thing.
We brought the bags into the house and left them unpacked in the living room. Beau sniffed around them eagerly, but I told him we’d decorate later. There were only two things I needed and neither of them involved being around other people. After trying to hug me and being greeted by an ice glare, Sidney left me to do my own thing. After grabbing a muffin from the pantry and a bottle of Irish Creme from the liquor cabinet I ran up the stairs and into the yellow room that was without a doubt my room in the house. I threw my bag of clothes down and pulled out the bubble bath. Normally I would have used Sidney’s bathroom with the jacuzzi tub and adjustable lighting, but I wanted to be undisturbed, so I made myself at home in the guest bath next door to the yellow room. Three vanilla candles lit, lights off, and a steaming claw foot tub filled with Noble Isle willow song bubble bath that I had to order from the UK, I’d created my own little heaven amongst the chaos of our lives. I peeled off my dress and tights and took two plush towels from the shelf and placed them on the toilet seat. I stood in front of the mirror in my bra and underwear and studied my reflection. It seemed to be a very stereotypically female thing to do, but in some way it helped me feel grounded. I ran my hands over the curves of my hips and the soft skin of my stomach. There was nothing stereotypical about my body, it was bigger than some bodies and smaller than others, stronger than most but weaker than many. My skin was pale than the majority and had patches of bright colours and images that represented who I was and who I’d become. I pinched my padded stomach and wondered if I shouldn’t work harder to lose weight. Maybe if I resembled the elite celebrities I’d seen Sidney photographed with he wouldn’t be so hesitant to tell people who I was. I shook my head and tried to erase the cruel and self loathing thought from my already over filled mind. I turned away from the mirror, took a bite of the muffin and took off the rest of my clothes. With the bottle of Irish creme on a table next to the bathtub, I placed the rest of the muffin beside it and slipped into the warmth comfort of the steamy water. The soothing aroma of the bubble bath surrounded me, helping me to drift off to a cedar and rose scented dreamland.
I thought about everything that had happened in the last 48 hours. I’d gone from being Sidney’s secret girlfriend to someone he wanted to have children with, back to being a secret. I reached for the bottle beside me and took a swig of the room temperature cream. It was sweet and burnt a little going down but was exactly what I wanted. I thought about Serena and Evgeni. It didn’t surprise me that they got along so well, Serena could make friends with anyone, but I was surprised that she hadn’t told me sooner. I took another drink and followed it with a piece of muffin. I would have assumed that as my roommate and best friend she would let me in on these kinds of things.I mean, I’d told her about Sidney right away. There was no use being too hurt over it, but I was slightly annoyed. More than anything, I didn’t want to see her get hurt. It seemed that I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, I’d been juggling trying to protect everyone around me, including myself.
“Fuck it,” I said to myself and took a huge gulp from the bottle, leaving it at less than the halfway point, in my defense it was already open when I grabbed it. I put the bottle back on the table and sunk deeper into the tub. Without a clock in the room I had no idea how long I’d been in there, but my fingers were starting to wrinkle and the water was getting cold. I considered adding more hot water but decided I might as well fix things with Sidney before it got too late. I let the bathtub drain and wrapped myself in the towels, one around my body and the other perched on my head to dry my hair. I blew out the candles and took the bottle with me to the bedroom. Unfortunately my yellow room didn’t have a bed or dresser so all my clothes were in Sidney’s room. I shuffled down the hallway, listening for any signs of movement from the living room. Silence. I slammed the bedroom door behind me and let my towel fall to the floor. Returning the bottle to its rightful place at my lips, I made my way to the stereo and plugged in my iPod. Turning the volume up to 21 I pressed play on Sara Bareilles and let myself go.
Halfway through the first song the towel came off of my head as I danced around the room frantically, using the bottle as my microphone and my muse. I liked the first song, so I hit reply, then as it came to an end hit replay again. I must have hit replay 10 times before I finished the bottle and collapsed in a heap on the unmade bed.

I woke up with a blanket covering my naked body and the bottle no where to be found. It was completely dark outside and the clock next to the bed read 9:35pm. I’d had no intention of sleeping, or drinking so much. I sat up slowly, my head still spinning and got up from the bed. I stumbled to the closet and grabbed the first thing I could find, a long sleeve penguins shirt that looked much better on Sidney than it did on me. It hung loose at my chest but clung to my hips, too big and too small the way that men’s shirts often were. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and found my glasses on the bathroom counter. I looked rough but I had no interest in doing anything about it.

“Bea?” Sid called as I tiptoed down the stairs.
“Yes?” I replied calmly, I didn’t want him to realize I was still a bit tipsy.
When I entered the living room Sidney and Beau sat on the couch, behind them the biggest tree I’d ever seen in a house. They grinned up at me, the decorations strewn all over the room but not at all organized.
“How ya feelin’?” Beau laughed, taking in my haggard appearance.
“That’s a big ass tree,” I croaked, marveling at the plush branches.
“We called some people,” Beau replied, obviously pleased with himself.
“Apparently we know tree people,” Sidney added.
“Good people to know,” I smirked at them and threw myself onto Sid’s lap, regretting it when I realized how dizzy I still was. He wrapped his arms around my and kissed my forehead. I wanted to leave all my anger in the past and relish in the affection of the beautiful man who had somehow had a giant Christmas tree set up in our living room in less than four hours.

In true holiday spirit, we sang along to carols and spent the rest of the night decorating the main floor of the house. Every railing was wrapped in garland and every doorway garnished with mistletoe. Lights illuminated the giant tree and were pinned around the room. Shiny bulbs, sparkling ornaments and candy canes looked at home on its thick branches. By midnight we’d created our own winter wonderland. Martha Stewart might have had some criticism, but I was impressed with our efforts. Impressed enough to forget the pain I’d felt shopping earlier that day. There were more important things to worry about.

Notes

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