“I think fucked might be a little extreme,” I tried to break the ice.
“I’m carrying the cellular composition of my DNA and that of a Russian hockey player, I think fucked is the perfect word,” she growled.
I couldn’t pretend I knew how she was feeling. I’d had exactly one pregnancy scare in my life and it only lasted two days, ending in the joyous appearance of long expected blood. I’d had no time to seriously consider the repercussions, let alone sit and plan my future. Serena on the other hand had spent that last five days doing exactly that; analyzing. While my heart ached for her, I knew it was nothing compared to the pain she felt. The gnawing uncertainty that had likely settled in the pit of her stomach, the anxiety that flowed through her veins. I lay on the floor beside her, moving the tissues away and taking her hand in mine.
“What can I do?” I asked and squeezed her hand.
“Find me a time machine so I can go back and fix this?” she sighed.
“Wouldn’t that be nice,” I chucked, recalling all the things I’d like to go back and change. “Have you gone to a doctor?”
“I have an appointment tomorrow,” she nestled her head against my shoulder. “Will you come with me?”
“Of course,” I brushed the hair out of her face and made a note to cancel my plans with Sidney. We lay there silently for a few minutes, both of us trying to find some kind of peace.
“Y’know,” she finally spoke. “I thought if I ever got pregnant I’d be excited, no matter what the situation was. When I was a teenager I used to wonder what it would be like. Sometimes I even hoped it would happen, but here I am in my twenties and I have never been more scared of anything in my life. There’s nothing wonderful or magical about this, and I’m not just talking about the physical discomfort. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and all I can do is stand here and watch it happen.”
I pulled her closer to me and wrapped my arms tightly around her tired body. I knew exactly how she felt, the only difference being I had more control in my life than she did in hers.
“Would I be a horrible person if I didn’t keep it?” she whispered, barely audible and voice shaking.
“Not at all,” I replied softly.
We lay together on the floor for some time. Augustana drifted from the stereo speakers, filling the space left empty by our silence. I tried to comprehend the severity of the situation. That at that very moment I was holding both my best friend and what potentially be her child. I couldn’t warp my head around the idea of Serena as a mother, let alone Serena and Evgeni as co-parents. Selfishly, I was relieved it wasn’t me, it was no secret that Serena was the stronger of the two of us. Her logic and never failing support had saved me time and time again. It was agonizing to see my usually put together best friend fall apart in my arms. I watched her drift off to sleep, the tension leaving her stiff body and her eyelids fluttering slightly. I wondered the last time she’d had a decent sleep and decided not to wake her, instead I held her tighter wanting nothing more than to protect her from her own life. I suddenly knew how she felt all those days I couldn’t pull myself from the cold relentless hands of heartache. The days I lived in a cloud of depression and self loathing, using my be as the only weapon to fight off the fatal abuse. I’d long lost count of the times she’d crawled in bed with me and held me in the very same way, whispering every comforting thought she could. She’d tell me it would pass and until it did she was there to help carry the load, remind me how strong I was, retell the stories from our youth. I was strong because of her. Without Serena I’d have fallen apart years ago. She was the only person who’d stayed with me not matter what.
Serena and I met in the sixth grade, she was the beautiful, radiant girl who loved everyone and I was the nervous, awkward one with thick glasses, and uncontrollable hair. The first time she spoke to me I was so honoured to have the attention of one of the popular girls that I nearly tripped on my own feet. A few weeks later she was still interested in me, while the rest of my peers quickly wrote me off as ‘uncool’, Serena was unaffected by their opinions. We slowly spent more and more time together and she told me she liked the unpopular music always coming from my C.D player, my collection of gel pens, and was unfazed by the giant Foo Fighters poster hung above my bed. She’d joke that every preppy girl needed an alternative sidekick and while I didn’t understand either of those labels, I was honoured to be considered her sidekick. Years later when I came to realize something was different, when I began my descent into darkness and so many of my friends backed away Serena stayed by my side. “If I didn’t want to be here, I would have left a long time ago,” she’d remind me when I worried I was a burden. “I’m in it for the long run.” Almost fourteen years later, she was still beside me.

“Bea?” Sid knocked softly on the door.
“Come in,” I called back, quietly so as not to wake her.
“Is everything alright?” he asked slipping into the room and closing the door behind him, just as I had. “Oh, she’s asleep. I guess that’s probably a good thing.”
“Yeah,” I smiled down at her peaceful face. “I think it’s been a while.”
“I bet,” he took a few steps towards me and then crouched down beside us. “So Geno is in the living room. I take it she still hasn’t told him?”
“She’s pretty torn up,” I noticed a hint of judgement in his voice and shot him an unimpressed look.
“She still needs to tell him,” he shook his head.
“And she will. I thought you didn’t want to get involved in this?”
“I don’t,” he stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets. “But my friend is out there confused as hell.”
“And my best friend is in here falling apart,” I sighed. His limited understanding of her situation was frustrating. There was no way he could possibly comprehend the range of emotions she was feeling, the decision she was being forced to make.
Her eyelids fluttered then opened, brown eyes alert and staring up at us. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled then sat up, rubbing her face.
“Don’t worry about it,” I smiled and stretched my tingling arm. I sat up beside her and ran my hands through my hair.
“How was your trip, Sidney?” she tried to deflect the attention to him.
“It was good,” he smiled politely. I held my breath, hoping he wouldn’t say anything that would give away how much he knew. “I just came in here to let you guys know that Geno is in the living room,” he was nonchalant, playing it cool.
“Oh shit!” She buried her head in her hands and let out a frustrated groan.
“Tell him we’ll be out in a few minutes,” I looked up at his concerned face and softened. He was in uncharted territory and I couldn’t blame him for being harsh.
He left us alone and I stood up, stretching my stiff limbs. Serena remained hunched over on the floor, cradling her head and shaking.
“You’ll feel better when you get it over with,” I crouched down the way Sidney had and rubbed her back in circles.
“I know,” she wiped her red eyes with her sleeve and looked up at me. “It just makes it so real, y’know?”
She finally stood up and pulled her dishevelled sweater off, searching for something clean. She found a Penguins shirt I’d bought her and pulled it on, turning to the mirror the sighed and reached for the brush. When her hair was pulled into a ponytail and her face was clean of tears she turned to me and smiled.
“Now or never,” she headed for the door, pulling her shoulders back.

With the intention of giving them privacy, Sidney and I lay on my bed with the door closed. It didn’t make much difference though, we could hear the entire conversation through the walls. At first I tried not to listen, I wanted to respect their discussion, but it was impossible.
“I’m so sorry,” she cried.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he said softly. I hoped he was touching her, comforting her in some way.
“I don’t know what to do, this is so fucked up,” her voice was hoarse and forced.
“We have baby,” he replied confused. “Not so bad.”
I heard her crying even harder and had to stop myself from running out to her.
“I don't want to!” she said between sobs. “I’m not ready for this.”
“But I be here, with you.” He wasn’t understanding and I imagined she was getting frustrated.
“I can’t keep it,” she said dully.

“What does she mean she can’t keep it?” Sid turned to face me.
“What do you think she means?” I cocked my eyebrow and reached for him, running my hand down his chest.
“Adoption?” he looked at me so naively and I wanted to smile but I couldn’t. There was nothing pleasant about our conversation.
“No,” I shook my head slowly and kissed him. His lips moved with mine, his hands slipping under the back of my shirt. I wanted to feel him close to me and touching was the easiest way I knew how. I felt his hands move around and cup my breasts, pushing my bra out of the way. I groaned shifting closer to him.
“How could she do that?” he stopped abruptly, pulling away from me and leaving me cold where his body had been.
“What?” I scowled at him, unamused.
“I know it’s a big decision or whatever, but how could she think about doing something like that? Killing it.” He sat up on the edge of the bed and stared off into space.
“It’s her decision,” I flopped back onto my pillow, trying to avoid a debate.
“Is it though? How can you say it so simply?” he turned to me confused.
“Say what? That she has the right to decide what does or doesn’t happen to her body?” I said harshly.
“Yeah, but what about the baby?” his voice was tense and rising.
“We are not arguing about this,” I sat up, annoyed that he would even start this. “First of all, you don’t get to have an opinion on this, and second it’s no where near a ‘baby’ yet.”
“I don’t get an opinion?”
“No, you don’t! You will never, ever understand the situation she or thousands of other women are in, it will never affect you the way it affects them, therefore you have no right to comment on it.” I felt my blood boiling and my voice reaching an unnatural pitch.
“Don’t give me that shit!” he growled. “Don’t act like I’m some idiot.”
“You’re the one acting like an idiot,” I rolled my eyes and lay back down. “I told you I don’t want to talk about this. It’s not something you need to worry about so leave it alone.”
“I just don’t understand how you can be so heartless,” he shook his head in disgust. “There are so many things wrong with abortion and I thought you’d be able to see that, the girl who cried for days after her nephew was born”
“I’m not heartless, I’m sick of seeing women forced to do things they don’t want to. I’m sick of seeing people like you value a potential life over one that is already living.”
“People like me? You mean people who value life?” he spat at me.
“Y’know what?” I snapped back up and stared at him. “If you’re going to be such a narrow minded prick, you can leave!”
“There you go, looking for another fight,” he slammed his hand down on the bed beside me. “I try to express an opinion and you shut me down like a g’damn child.”
“I’m looking for a fight?” I screamed. “You started this! I told you I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to argue with you about something you don’t understand.”
“Whatever,” he stood up and grabbed his jacket from the end of the bed. “Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know you?”
I watched him leave, slamming the door behind him, and willed myself not to fall apart. How quickly we’d found ourselves in the middle of another argument. I would never waiver on my beliefs and was hurt to see him so adamantly disagree with me. Could we do anything without fighting? I crawled under the covers and tried not to think the worst. But the thought crept into my mind anyway, that nagging feeling, two little words, one life changing decision. We couldn’t live like this anymore.

Serena and Geno spent the rest of the day together, locked in her room while I tried to forget what had just happened. After a restless night of sleep I woke up the next morning with the same anxious feeling. I skipped breakfast and considered heading to the derby track to skate out my aggression until I remembered that my car was still parked in Sidney’s garage and my skates were still in his closet. My computer was on his desk, my toothbrush by his sink, and my work uniform packed in the suitcase I’d left in his car. I was left with whatever I could find in my nearly empty room and the hope that I could get it all back.
I lay on the couch reading a novel Serena had left on the coffee table when she came out dressed in yoga pants and an oversized sweater. Her hair was pulled out of her face and her eyes were still puffy.
“Ready to go?” she asked slipping her shoes on.
I sat up from the couch and glanced down at my outfit, I’d managed to find an old pair of leggings and a hoodie. The world wasn't a fashion show and it would have to do. I grabbed my purse from the counter and followed her out the door.

“You seem to be about eight weeks along,” the doctor told us after removing the internal ultrasound and taking off his gloves. “I’m going to suggest you start taking a prenatal vitamin and come back to see me in about a month,” he reached for his prescription pad.
“What can you tell me about my options?” Serena spoke nervously, her hands clasped in her lap.
“Options?” he replied, narrowing his eyes.
“I don’t want to continue the pregnancy,” she glanced and me for support and I took her hand.
“I would advise against that,” the doctor shook his head and stood up from his seat, reaching for a pamphlet.
“It’s a good thing she’s not asking your advise then,” I glared at him, enraged. “She’s asking for information not opinion.”
He muttered something under his breath and handed her a pamphlet before leaving us alone in the room.
“Fucking asshole,” Serena hissed, putting her clothes back on.

She made an appointment with Planned Parenthood that day to discuss the procedure and dropped me off at home before going. Noticing my foul mood she assured me she would be perfectly fine to go on her own and we’d have dinner when she got home. I felt horrible to leave her side but was relieved to have time alone in the apartment. I knew what I needed to do and it would be easier to do it without an audience.

“Beatrice?” his voice came through the phone and I tired not to melt. The way he said my name gave me shivers.
“Hi,” I said softly, searching for the words to say.
“How are you?” he seemed genuinely concerned and I had to remind myself of all the reasons I was doing this.
“I think we should break up,” my voice trembled. I’d said the words we’d both been thinking for days.
“What?” he cried.
“This isn’t working for either of us and it’s not fair,” I explained.
“I know,” he said quietly, backing down easier than I thought he would. “I’m sorry.”
“I am too, but we have to be realistic,” tears dripped down my face and I tried to hide the pain in my voice.
“I’m not ready to let you go,” he admitted. I didn’t want to hear his sadness, I wanted to forget that he was just as much in love with me as I was him.
“You have to,” I sighed, trying to relieve the pressure in my chest. “We’re not good for each other and it has become incredibly clear over the past few weeks.”
“I’m willing to work on it,” he offered.
“I’m not,” I took a jagged breath and said goodbye.
I'd felt my heart break into a million pieces, the good I had found in my life came crashing down and I was left alone in my apartment. I wanted to call him back and beg his forgiveness. I wanted to tell him I'd made a horrible mistake and I would stop being so hard to get along with. Instead I pulled a blanket over me and turned on Netflix. Dozing in and out of consciousness with the phone cradled in my lap and Skins playing on the television screen, I tried to forget my life. But every time I slipped into the warm embrace of sleep I saw him, his hurt eyes and comforting face, his body begging to hold me close and his lips with apologies written all over them. I had become the antagonist in my own life’s story. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t accept that he had done anything wrong, in my mind our demise was entirely my fault and there was no way I could possibly fix it. Instead I would be forced to spend the rest of my days regretting all the mistakes I’d made that led me to that moment alone on the couch with tear stained eyes.
When Serena woke me up a few hours later the light had left the sky and for a split second I’d forgotten who I was. There was a momentary relief until I saw her face, tired and anxious looking at me with an air of confusion.
“I have an appointment for next week,” she told me, sitting down at my feet and putting them on her lap.
“That’s good,” I turned off the television and tossed my inactive phone onto the coffee table.
“Yeah, I guess,” she sighed and let her head fall back. “I guess it’s better than not having an appointment.”
“It’ll be over soon,” I gave her a weak smile and tried to fight back the emotion that boiled inside me.
“Thank god. Geno isn’t very happy about it but I think he understands.” A smile crept across her lips and she shook her head. “He said he wants to be with me,” she laughed. “How fucked up is that?”
“He really cares about you.”
“Yeah, well,” she rolled her eyes and sighed. “So what happened with Sid last night?”

I cringed and turned my face away from her. For the hundredth time in two days the tears tickled my eyes and dripped down my face. If I said it out loud it would become too real, just like Serena said the night before.

Notes

I've had this chapter written for almost a week now but I've been a bit nervous to post it. It's one of those heavy game changing chapters that can either work out wonderfully or piss everyone off. My intention is never ever to piss anyone off. I really hope that you keep an open mind after reading this and understand that I do have a plan for this. I'm not just stirring the pot for the sake of drawing out the story. Honestly, I've been leading up to this moment for chapters now, and to actually do it is both surreal and exciting. Surreal because I didn't think I'd have the nerve to, and exciting because there are so many things in the coming chapters.

As for the Serena storyline. I respect that everyone has their own opinions on very controversial subject. I would be lying if I said I didn't side with Beatrice on the matter, but it's not about what I think. This storyline is about Serena and decisions she is making. As far as the topic, I have discussed it with many people who do not share my beliefs and I understand their perspective. Frankly, debates of this nature generally just leave both parties frustrated and hurt and because of that I ask that this doesn't became a battle of beliefs. I am always open to conversation (about anything) but this topic is one that I'd rather not hash out on the internet. I hope this doesn't come across as rude or unwelcoming, I will forever appreciate the comments and encouragement I receive and the silent readers who make the numbers constantly increase. What I'm trying to say is that I want the focus to be on the story and characters, rather than heavy, controversial topics and debate.

xx- T