Stay, Stay, Stay

Day five without him. Each hour lagged on longer than the last, the days felt like months and I tried to rationalize that it would get easier. Day one without him the team had the day off. Day two: I called in sick. I couldn't stand the idea of watching them practice, the thought of being in the same building as him made me nauseous. Day three followed the same pattern as day two. Day four was an optional skate so Serena and I spent the day on the couch binge watching Grey's Anatomy with a carton of ice cream and two spoons. It was typical, but effective. Day five I had no excuse, I couldn't stay away forever. Serena drove me to the rink two hours before puck drop, I still hadn't picked up my car. My hair was pulled into a tight bun and my face bare, I couldn't be bothered to try, I had no one to impress and no reason to care.
Avoiding everyone, I snuck into my office and shut the door, leaving it open slightly. I didn't want to be disturbed but I tried not to appear completely self isolating. Music playing softly in the background I sat at my desk reading over paperwork and trying to keep myself distracted. On a normal day the work would be somewhat interesting, but on day five I found myself reading the same line over and over.
"Bea?" Geno peeked in through the crack in the door and knocked softly
"Come in," I forced a smile and closed the folder. He took a few steps inside the room and closed the door the rest of the way. "What's up?"
"Getting ready for game," he shrugged. "How are you? I talk to Serena."
"I'm alright," I didn't know what he was referring to. "What did she say?" I asked carefully.
"You and Sid," his face fell and he looked at me with those sad eyes like a basset hound. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine," I shrugged him off, knowing that if I said anymore I would fall apart.
He must have picked up on my hesitation because he didn't try to push the conversation. "Serena okay?" he changed the subject back to a common ground.
"She's doing alright, better than you'd think."
"She act strong, but I never know," he smiled slightly and stared down at his hands.
"I know what you mean. But I think she's doing the best she can. How are you doing?" I realized that no one had bothered to wonder how he was doing with the life changing news he'd just received. His involvement was different than Serena's, but he was still a part of it all.
"Been better," he said quietly. "But is for best. Sena need to do what best for her," he blushed.
"Sena?" I looked at him confused.
"Serena," he corrected himself. "I call Sena when we talk," he smiled, face now flushed and beaming. "I go get dressed," he turned to leave. "Talk after if you want," he smiled and I watched him walk away.

My time hiding away came to an end and I was forced to interact with everyone around me. I sat in the trainers' room waiting for the rush of players coming in for a pre-game rubdown.The aching emptiness in the pit of my stomach shook me from the inside out and I swallowed back the anger and hurt that rose up my throat, unwelcome emotions triggered by the memories held within the four walls of the room. Our first real conversation, secretive kisses exchanged when no one could see, everyday moments that I already longed for. I'd yet to see Sidney and hoped to keep it that way, visiting the room wasn't part of his regular pre-game ritual and I couldn't see why he would make any exceptions on day five of all days. I couldn't imagine he'd want to see me anymore than I'd want to see him, I was the girl who'd dumped him. The scared, immature girl who had made his life hell then dumped him. Over the past five days Serena had made it her mission to remind me that Sidney had also played a part in the demise of our relationship, I refused to acknowledge any truth there may have been in her words. Instead, I held myself responsible and found a masochistic pleasure in reminding myself that.
"Hey, you feeling better?" James asked, taking a seat on one of the padded exam tables.
"Huh?" I looked over at him.
"You took two days off sick... are you feeling any better?" he eyed me suspiciously, swinging his legs onto the table.
"Right," I walked towards him. "Totally fine, just girl stuff," I said casually, immediately regretting my fabricated excuse. I couldn't have said twenty-four hour bug? Headache? Anything but that!
"Oh," he blushed. "That... uh.. sucks."
"Yeah..."I said awkwardly, standing near his feet. We both looked at each other without saying anything, marinating in the uncomfortable tension. "So what can I do for you?" I finally broke the silence.
"Coach just wants to triple check that I'm good to go tonight," he smiled.
"Right," I nodded. "Big game tonight." I walked to the counter to grab a flashlight, stethoscope and blood pressure cuff.
"I guess?" he looked perplexed. "I mean we're playing Colorado. I guess every game is a big game."
"Yeah," I strapped the cuff around his arm. "I was more referring to your first game back." I laughed stiffly.
"Oh, yeah, I'm looking forward to getting back out there." He looked past me while I pumped air into the cuff. It tightened around his arm and he stiffened.
"Try to relax," I pressed the stethoscope to his chest.
"I hate these things," he groaned softly. It reached full capacity then started to deflate, giving me a reading.
"Well you're blood pressure is good," I took the flashlight and held it up to his eyes, watching each pupil dilate individually. "Follow my finger," I held up my index finger and watched his eyes move.
"Hey, can I ask you weird question?" he asked without taking his eyes off my moving finger.
"Sure," I kept mine focused on his movement.
"Is something going on with Sid? He's been weird lately. I'd ask him myself but he's hardly ever around."
Of course there was something going on with Sid. How could I expect him to go back to normal after I'd ended our relationship? I immediately felt guilty knowing that my actions could be affecting his game. At this point in the season they needed all the wins they could get.
"No idea," I lied, again. Talking about the break up with Geno was one thing, but if Sidney hadn't told the team I wasn't going to. "Probably just focused on the rest of the season."
"Yeah," he smiled. "Probably."
"So I think you're cleared to play. But I'm just going to grab Larry for a second check." I returned the tools to the counter and left the room, popping my head into Larry's office on the way to mine.
I was supposed to be in the room until the warm up, but I needed a few minutes to myself. I'd rather be scolded for not being around than breakdown in front of my colleagues. My head down and mind focused on composure I rounded the corner and felt my body collide with something solid. Two big hands grabbed my shoulders as I was falling backwards.
"Woah there, girlie!" A deep accented voice cried, stabling me.
"I'm so sorry," I blushed, looking up to see Max Talbot grinning, his hands still holding me. I wasn't in the habit of associating Max with Colorado yet. As a Flyers fan I was heartbroken to see him go, even if Steve Downie belonged in Philly.
"Where you off to in such hurry, Mrs. Crosby?" he laugh, slowly dropping his hands.
I tried to keep my face neutral but I could feel it falling. "My office," I mumbled and tried to move past him. Normally I'd have been delighted to see him, but between my already brewing anxiety and his reference to Sidney, I wanted to get away.
"Hey," he said softly, putting his arm out to stop me. "What's wrong? Still hurt about my trade?" he teased. Sidney must have told him.
"I'm fine," I forced a smile, my jaw and teeth clenched. My throat was once again doing that spazzy tightening thing, the precursor to tears. "How are you liking Colorado?"
"It's really nice. Are you sure you're alright?" He returned his hand to my shoulder, this time more comforting than stabilizing. He was dressed in an Avalanche t-shirt and gym shorts. I could see his muscles move under the fabric.
"Just having a weird day," I shrugged.
"Those suck," he smiled apologetically. "Have you seen Sid? I came down here to see him but he's not where I thought he'd be."
I groaned and shook my head. The mention of him again made my chest tighten even more. I didn't want Max to see me break down either and I knew I had to get out of there quickly.
"Coming for post game drinks?" he cocked his head to the side and grinned.
"Maybe," I swallowed hard and tried to put on my best face.
"You should, I'll buy you the cure for a weird day: shots."
"I'll see," I forced a chuckle and pushed past him, quickly finding refuge in my quiet office.

The tension on the bench was more than I could stand. We were down 4-2 and Sidney was doing his damnedest to ignore me. Again, I couldn't blame him, but I still wanted to grab his shoulders, shake him furiously and scream 'You may hate me now but trust me you'll thank me!!' Fortunately for my reputation I kept my hands to myself and the startling words hidden away inside me. At the end of the second intermission he brushed against me. The touch of his gear against my clothed body sent shivers down my spine.
"Sorry," he mumbled, finally breaking the five days of silence. I quietly rejoiced, his single word had to be a step towards civility. That or the instant reaction of a born and raised Canadian. He walked to the other side of the bench before I could reply.
Colorado won 5-3, the locker room was quiet with the exception of sticks being thrown in anger. I waited in the trainers' room fortunate to avoid the dreary atmosphere. I would never get used to the sad faces of the players after a loss. My maternal instincts gave me the strange desire to hug them all and feed them soup.
"Hey," Beau said, standing awkwardly in front of me.
"Hi," I smiled up at him. "What's going on? Is your hand bothering you?"
"No," he shook his head and looked at his healed hand. "It's great actually."
"Good," I stood up to face him properly.
"Look, this is like really weird and stuff but I brought your car. I figured you'd need it and Crosby is being kind of a tool. I, uhm, grabbed your computer too, I hope that's okay." He held up my familiar laptop bag.
"Oh Beau!" I pulled him into a tight hug and felt my same tightening in my sinuses. "I really appreciate it, buddy," I laughed, trying to remain casual.
"Don't worry about it," he grinned. "I really miss having you around the house," I noticed a blush rise in his cheeks. "Whatever happens with you guys I want you to know you're a huge beauty." I squeezed him again, then wiped away the liquid that tried to slip out of my eyes.
"How is he?" I asked hesitantly. Was it selfish of me to care after I'd caused so much chaos in his life?
"You know Sid, he doesn't talk about it. He's focused on the game now. But I know he's not happy."
"Right," I murmured. At least he had hockey to distract himself.
When all the check ups were done and the paper work was filed I was finally free to go back to my cave of sorrow, my perfect spot on the couch with my equally distraught best friend. Pleased to have my car back, I cranked the key in the ignition and saw a full tank of gas. I made a note to steal one of Serena's baked creations of Beau as a thank you. Stopped at a red light a few blocks from the rink I felt my phone vibrate in my jacket pocket. I ignored it, the light changing and continued on my way home. It vibrated again, then once more. Worried it might be important, I finally checked at the next red light.
Unknown Number:
Its Max I stole ur #
Unknown Number:
I hd 2 wrestle Geno 4 it.
Unknown Number:
Im stayin @ the Hilton and expect u here in n hour.

I groaned at his butchered text speak, but was glad he hadn't included any lingo that the hockey players seemed to regard as real words. The light changed and I tossed the phone on the passenger seat. I spent the rest of the ride home debating whether or not I should go. It was a ridiculous idea, going out to party with the team who'd just beat mine. There was also a chance that Sidney would be there and I didn't want to intrude. I climbed the stairs to the apartment, having decided not to go, it wouldn't be right. When I opened the purple door I noticed a large pair of men's dress shoes against the wall.
"Go get dressed," Serena said, popping her head out of the bathroom then disappeared.
"For what?" I peeled off my jacked it tossed it on the couch.
"We're going out, I'm sick of sitting around," she reappeared with a toothbrush in her mouth.
"I'd rather not," I called to her, heading for the kitchen.
"It wasn't a question. Geno is waiting in my room so hurry up." She said over the running water. I rolled my eyes and let the fridge door slam closed.
I had nothing to wear. I'd spent the last few days in sweatpants and leggings, neither things I could wear to... wherever we were going. All my nice clothes were held hostage in Sidney's closet, provided he hadn't burnt them. I tore apart my drawers finding a clean pair of lacy underwear I never wore because they gave me the worst wedgie, but nothing else useful. I ripped through my closet, almost ready to tell Serena there was no way I was going anywhere when I found the same pair of high waisted black skinny jeans that I'd worn my first day to work. I was sure I'd left them with the rest of my clothes, but by an act of fate, they were there, neatly folded and waiting to be worn. If I could find a top it would be a sign that I should go. Nothing. Just a few t-shirt and worn out hoodies, none of which I could wear outside of the house.
"I meant to give this back to you," Serena pushed open the door and tossed something onto my bed. "Hurry up!" she added before closing the door.
I had no recollection of her borrowing my sleeveless black and white gingham blouse, which meant I hadn't actually leant it to her, she'd just taken it. We didn't often share clothes because Serena was a good five sizes smaller than me, but she must have found some way to wear the oversized shirt. I pulled off my work clothes and sat in front of the mirror. There wasn't enough time to do anything extravagant. I lined my eyes in black and layered my eyelashes with mascara, a red lip stain and some concealer would have to do. I brushed my hair and pulled it into a loose ponytail then put on my miracle outfit. Nothing would ever look good enough on me, but it wasn't bad. The pants hugged my hips and the shirt hung casually. Again, I had no one to impress, if I had the confidence I could have worn a paper bag and no one would have noticed.
"Are you happy?" I walked out of my room and into the living room where Serena and Geno sat waiting.
"Yes, you look good," she smiled and got up, Geno following her.
"Pretty," he patted my shoulder.
I laced up my black boots and pulled a leather jacket over the top. The outfit was a strange homage to my teenage fashion self. All I needed was the lip piercings and bad attitude.
"Where are we going?" I asked from the backseat. Serena was driving and Geno sat beside her in the passenger seat.
"Hilton," she turned to face me slightly.
"Sid not there," Geno assured me. I suspected Max had something to do with our impromptu outing.
Unknown Number:
R U coming??

Bea:
On my way now. Not that I had a choice.

Max:
I hve no idea wat ur tlking bout.
Max greeted us in the luxuriously decorated hotel lobby. He was a bundle of energy, grinning when he saw us. Gabriel Landeskog, Matt Duchene and a few other players I didn't recognize stood beside him talking amongst themselves.
"Geno," Landeskog smiled, clapping Evgeni on the back. "Good game buddy."
"I let you win this time, next time not so nice," he laughed.
"You keep telling yourself that," Duchene added with a chuckle.
"This Serena," Geno reached for Serena's hand and grinned. "Serena, this hockey players."
"I thought they were accountants," I muttered to no one.
"That was my back up plan," Max said so only I could hear. "Guys, this is Bea, don't even think about it because she's shacked up with Crosby." He placed his hand on my shoulder protectively like he had earlier.
"Where is the superstar?" Landeskog asked after shaking my hand.
"Probably studying game tape," I joked. "He's not much of a partier." It wasn't completely untrue, rather a lie of omission. In fact everything I'd said that day seemed to be lying by omission. It just made things easier.
We walked a few blocks to a busy nightclub with a line outside the door. It took one look at Geno and Max for the bouncer to escort us in, bypassing the cold Pittsburgh patrons. We were given a reserved table in the back and free bottle service. Just typical perks of being around recognizable athletes. We squeezed into the booth, Serena to my left and Max to my right. The tall waitress with waist length brown hair took our order. Without hesitation I ordered a Strongbow and two Jagerbombs. If I was going to get through the night in one piece I was going to need to drink. Serena ordered a whiskey and a glass of water. Geno and I both glared at her.
"Since when do I drink whiskey?" she whispered to me. "It's for you, I just didn't want to seem suspicious."
"Right," I eyed her as she told Geno what I assumed was the same thing,

The music was loud and the lights almost nonexistent, typical for any nightclub. I sat quietly while everyone around me chatted excitedly, laughing and hollering at each other. Even Serena got involved in the action. But I didn't know what to say. Anything I'd say would inevitably lead to questions about Sidney and I didn't want to have to lie anymore. In fact, I couldn't trust myself to lie. Two Jagerbombs, two shots of tequila, a Strongbow, and Serena's cover up whiskey, needless to say I was feeling a bit light headed. A few of the guys went off in search of late night companionship and Serena dragged Geno onto the dance floor. I watched them sway to the bass heavy music, her arms around his neck and his her hips. I envied her ability to not only dance sober, but find some joy when things seemed otherwise bleak and depressing. I realized that I'd never danced with Sidney, it was probably safer that way, he wasn't exactly light on his feet, but I still ached to feel his body pressed against mine. I reminded myself again for the thousandth time that this was my own doing and I would have to live with the consequences. Geno leaned down to kiss Serena and I decided I needed another drink. Excusing myself from the conversation I was hardly a part of, I climbed over Gabriel and headed to the bar.
I ordered two shots then promptly drank them before paying the bartender. It was much quicker than waiting for our waitress who was being chatted up by one of the Avalanche players. The bass from the music, flashing lights, and wall to wall bodies had me overwhelmed and nauseous. I hadn't noticed from the table how busy it was. I needed to get away, not leave but find a safe space. I searched around the room for any indication of a bathroom. All I could see was people, dancing, talking, drinking, people everywhere. My heart started pounding and I could feel it in my ears. I felt a hand grab mine and pull me out of the crowd without saying anything. He led me down a dark hallway and into a stairwell.
"You okay?" Max asked, letting go of my hand and leaning against the wall. "You looked a little lost."
"I'm fine," I slurred and leaned against the wall beside him.
"Do you want me to call Sidney to come and get you?" He stood in front of me, his eyes fixed on my face.
"I said I'm fine," tears slipped down my face.
"What's going on?" he whispered. My back was against the wall and his hands were pressed flat above me, his body hovering over me. I was taken aback by his interest in my well being. He didn't know me from Adam. We'd met once and to him I was just a fan girl who happened to be dating his friend.
"I know we don't know each other well, but you're Sid's girl so by association I care," he smiled.
"I'm not Sid's girl," I choked back a sob.
"What do you mean?" his eye brows knitted together.
"I'm not Sidney's girl anymore. We broke up." My voice cracked on the final word and I gave into the tears.
"I'm so sorry," his arms fell by his sides and his face dropped. "I had no idea... I didn't mean..." he stammered.
"No, it's okay. No one really knows yet." I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. In just one day four people had inquired about Sidney, separating our lives was going to be a bigger adjustment than I'd anticipated. Max wrapped his big arms around me and pulled me close to him.
"Do you want me to take you home?" he asked without letting go.
"No," I shook my head. "Just take me someplace quiet."
Without a word we gathered our coats from the table and left the bar heading in the direction of the Hilton.

Notes

I'm sorry this has taken me so long to post, I feel like it's been forever. This semester has finally come to a close so I'm hoping to get some good writing time in. I can't wait for the next few weeks off, I've been commissioned to paint a piece for my university but other than that I get to do nothing and not feel guilty. (other than see the Flyers play twice)

Anyway, I can't wait to read your comments.

xx-T