“Boys like him are a dime a dozen,” I’d repeated my new mantra over and over while driving to the rink. Sitting alone in my office I reminded myself again. “Despite his fantastic body and celebrity status, he’s just a guy. A stupid boy who I can easily replace,” I said over the music playing on my computer. “You’re a bad bitch who can handle this.”
However pathetic my attempts to calm myself down before leaving my office were, they seemed to work. I headed down the hallway to the locker room with a false sense of confidence.
“Are you new here?” James asked when I sat down beside him.
“New enough,” I winked.
“I like the hair,” he pointed to my head. “It’s really hot.”
“Thanks,” I scanned the room for Sidney but couldn’t find him.
“Why the sudden change?” he eyed me.
“Just wanted a fresh look,” I avoided his gaze.
“It isn’t my business but, are either of you going to admit you broke up?” James finally said after a prolonged pause. There was a sincerity in his blue eyes, his pale face concerned and honest.
I stood up and headed for the door. I wasn’t angry, I just didn’t want to have that conversation, not with James, not with anyone. I stopped a few feet shy of the hallway and turned to him. He was sitting there, watching me walk away. “I will when he will,” I said flatly and left the room.
As I turned the corner towards the trainers room I collided with him. There was no reason for me to be continuously walking into people, the hallways were plenty wide but I was oblivious, too busy replaying the interaction with James over and over in my mind.
“I’m sorry,” Sidney said, grazing my shoulder with his hand. It was obvious he didn’t recognize me. I lifted my head slowly and watched his expression change from friendly to hostile. The animosity clear in his eyes. “What the fuck?’” he mumbled under his breath, studying the pile of blonde curls on my head.
“I changed my hair, “ I said flatly, looking past him.
“Yeah, I can see that,” he spat back. “Is this some big life change?” he scoffed.
“I need my stuff back,” I purposely ignored his snarky question. The opportune timing was too good to miss, I was wearing the same uncomfortable pair of underwear and hadn’t had my good makeup in weeks. I was tired of making do, I wanted my life back and I wanted it that very instant.
“Did you lose your house key?” he rolled his eyes. “Maybe you’ll find them with your heart.”
“Fuck you, I’ll talk to your roommate. You just carryon being an immature prick,” I pushed past him. I could feel the anger boiling in the pit of my stomach. I was seething.
“Walk away, Beatrice. It’s what you do best,” he called after me. I tried to think of something horrible and biting to say back, but my mind was blank. I couldn’t tell if I was hurt that he could be so cold or furious that he felt the need to be such an ass at our place of employment. We’d promised we would keep our relationship out of the rink, not let anything affect our jobs. But there we were, letting it ruin everything.
I made my way to my office and slammed the door behind me. Slamming doors was the next best thing to slamming him against a wall. I needed to get back on the track, I needed to skate on eight wheels and throw my weight around, let my aggression free. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have time to take care of myself. Because my world still revolved around Sidney and the team and we had another road trip coming up.
I sat at my desk, slamming drawers and throwing pens across the room. I needed a distraction, someone else to be mad at for a change. Someone who wasn’t Sidney or myself. After a quick google search I picked up the landline and punched in the numbers. It rang twice.
“Bayer and Kelp Law offices, how may I direct your call,” a female voice sang through the line.
“Camilla Morris, please.” I was holding my breath and clenching my fists.
“Please hold.”

Calling Millie was an act of desperation. Calling Millie at work was a sign of insanity. I had her mobile number but for some reason I wanted to go through the hoops to get to her. I wanted to say her full name and feel the reliability of the landline, the anticipation of being on hold. When she answered, Millie had no idea I was the one waiting for her. It was evident in her shocked voice.
“This is Camilla,” she sounded so professional.
“Mills?” I said softly, already wondering what I was doing.
“Trix?” There it was; the shock, the confusion, maybe a hint of hurt.
I apologized for calling her at work, then after she cleared my conscience, I told her everything. I told her about the good, how supportive he could be and how much I loved the feeling of his body against mine. I told her how our lives had so quickly blended together, everything intertwined and how much that terrified me. I told her how crazy he made me. How he could be so cold and so mean, I even told her how I could be so cold and so mean. When I was finished, neither of us spoke. There was a silence on both sides of the line that made me queazy and I started to regret calling.
“Wow,” all she said was wow. The bile was rising in my esophagus and I considered hanging up. I couldn’t make myself drop the receiver though. I held on. “You’re not mean,” she finally said. “You can be cold, but you’re not mean. I know this about you. Stubborn and complicated, but never mean.”
“But…” I croaked.
“No, Tix, you’re not mean. Trust me. I’m the last person who is going to lie to you. I have nothing to lose here.” She took a deep breath. “I Watched him.”
“What do you mean?” I imagined her peeping through his window and tried not to smile.
“The night we had dinner, I watched him. The way he looked at you, the way he touched you. It killed me, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I went over that night determined to get you back, and we both know I tend to get what I want,” she chuckled. “But he looked at you in a way that even I never had. A way that I don’t know I ever could. And that look, that look of respect and affection, it made it easier for me to leave without you. It kept me from calling day and night. I don’t know Sidney, but I know that look. I’ve seen that look. It was the way you looked at me.”
I had no words, I wanted her to tell me more, to give me every little detail. I had no idea what look she was referring to and worried she had confused his usual face for something meaningful.
“I have no doubt that he’s an asshole, because guys usually are. You have to admit, you kind of like assholes. It’s your thing, it’s why we were together for so long,” I could hear her smile. “And I’ll be the first to say that you deserve awesome. That’s why I sabotaged our relationship. I left you for the same reason that you left Sidney. Fear. Fear and the absurd idea that I would never be good enough for you, because I thought you loved me more than I could loved you.” We’d never spoken so honestly. I’d never heard Millie’s side of our breakup, or her feelings about things. I’d never listened.
“Why didn’t you tell me this?” I didn’t know if I should be sad or relieved. I couldn’t limit how I felt to one emotion.
“Why haven’t you told Sidney?”
She had a point. A valid point that pushed me deeper into the unidentified emotions. I wanted to laugh, and cry, I wanted to jump up and down screaming and hit him and kiss him and hide from him all at the same time.
“I have to get back to work, but I need you to know that your relationship with Sidney isn’t the same as our relationship. It may seem similar but you’re different people. Don’t let our past ruin your future.” I liked hearing her voice. I didn’t want her to leave me, I wanted us to stay in this circle of honesty forever.
“Thank you,” I tried to steady my shaky voice.
“I’m glad you called, Trix. I’m always here.” Comforting words and then the click of the phone. I stayed on the dead line for a few seconds before placing the phone back on the cradle.
That night they lost in overtime and dropped another spot in the standings. I felt bad for them, but not bad enough to stay around. I left as soon as I could and returned to my sanctuary. Serena had Geno, and I had my bed. I could get used to it, I’d have to get used to it.
We’d been apart for almost a month when I finally found the nerve to get my things. I sent Sidney a courtesy text, telling him I planned to go over after the skate, if he wanted to be there that was his decision. I didn’t see him at the rink that morning and I hoped that meant I wasn’t going to see him at his house, if he had any sense left he’d stay away. I left after most of the players, giving him a chance to avoid me. I wanted to make it as easy as I could for him, although the idea of storming in showing him exactly how I felt was appealing.
I didn’t see his truck when I pulled up to the house, but with a three car garage that didn’t mean anything. I shut off the engine and took a deep breath, there was no turning back. I hurried to the front door and found it unlocked, my breath hitched and I prayed it meant that Beau was home. Inside, the house was exactly how I’d left it, right down to my shoes in the entryway and my scarf on the railing. My throw pillows were still on the couch and the book I was reading was still face down on the coffee table. I slipped off my shoes and headed up the stairs, hoping my clothes would still be there. They were, in fact half of them were still on the floor where I’d left them, right down to the bra that hung on the side of the full length mirror. I pulled my suitcase out of the closet and set to work packing as much as I could into it. I was trying to roll a sweater small enough for it to fit down the side when Sidney walked in.
“What are you doing?” he glared at me, gym bag slung over his shoulder.
“I told you I was coming,” I didn’t bother looking at him.
He dropped the bag behind the door and left, muttering something under his breath. I continued to push as much as I could into the suitcase and when it had reached the very maximum I pulled the zipper as close to closed as I could and went downstairs to find a garbage bag. Sid was in the kitchen blending something when I pushed past him to grab a bag from under the sink. I noticed the dishes I’d bought for the dinner party still displayed on the counter.
“Where’s the box?” I asked flatly.
“What box?” he stopped the blender.
“The box for my dishes.”
“You’re taking the dishes?” he looked surprised.
“They’re my dishes,” I rolled my eyes.
“Where the hell are you going to put them?” he scoffed.
“They’re my dishes,” I repeated, looking for newspaper to wrap them in. I found the Local section on top of the recycling, it was a glorified gossip section, the page six of Pittsburgh. I wrapped the first bowl, aware of his eyes on me, and set it on the other side of the counter. I reached for the next page when something caught my eyes. In small bold print was the headline “Captain Crosby Warms Up With Mystery Girl.” It stung, but I reminded myself he was allowed to move on. I was about to crumple it up when I saw a small colour photograph under it. The picture was of Sidney with his arm around a tall blonde girl wearing a dark coat and a yellow scarf. I squinted to see it better and noticed the scarf had small black images on it; bees. It was just like the scarf that hung on the railing in the entry way, my scarf.
“What the fuck?” I held the picture in front of his face.
“We broke up,” he replied emotionless.
“I know that shit for brains, I’m talking about the scarf, why is she wearing my scarf?” I pushed the picture closer to him.
“How do you know it’s your scarf?” he spat back defensively.
“Because I’m not an idiot,” I almost screamed at him. “It’s the same fucking scarf that I left right there,” I cried.
“She was cold,” he said pathetically.
“So you’re just giving my stuff away to every pretty girl you get with?”
“You’re overreacting, it’s not that big a deal,” he spoke as if I was completely irrational.
I glared at him, jaw clenched and mind racing. I wanted to hit him. It was one thing to be an insensitive prick, but it was another to try and blame it on me, to act as if I was the problem. Without thinking I reached behind me and grabbed the first thing I felt, one of my plates. Before I could fully grasp what I was doing, the plate was flying towards his head at full speed. He ducked just in time and it fell to the ground with a loud crash, tiny pieces of porcelain shattering everywhere.
“Are you out of your mind?” he screamed, a noticeable vein bulging in his neck. I’d never seen him this angry, not after the worst game of the season.
“I told you I was coming,” I was yelling so loudly it hurt my throat. “I made it clear that I just wanted to get my stuff and leave. But you just had to be there. You couldn’t give me a break.” I was dangerously close to stomping my foot.
“It’s my house.”
“Yeah, it is. It is your house, so why is my stuff still everywhere? You didn’t think that maybe it would be smart to pack some of it away so you didn’t have to look at it?” My voice was strained from screaming but it didn’t make me stop. “You hate me so much you couldn’t just throw it in bags to make this easier? You think I want to be here, doing this?”
His face fell and I could see the muscles in his jaw and neck flexing. “You think this is easy on me?” he hissed. “You think I want to make your life miserable? Are you that selfish?” he slammed his fist against the counter. “I didn’t move your shit because I didn’t want you to leave. I didn’t want to admit you weren’t coming home.” His voice was tight and I could see the tears forming in his eyes. He let out a struggled breath and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
“Well I am leaving,” I said, softer than before. “I’m leaving because that’s what is best.”
“Best for who?” he choked out. He wasn’t trying to fight it anymore and tears dripped down his face. The sight of him so hurt made me sick to watch.
“Best for both of us,” I took a step towards him. “We can’t live like this.”

“It’s not always like this and you know it. You just run away when it gets tough.” His muscles were clenched and I wanted to reach out to him. Before that moment I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much and hate them at the same time. With every harsh breath he took I felt my anger dissipate. I wanted to go on hating him, it was so much easier to write him off as an asshole than it was to love him, to put up with his idiosyncrasies and inconsistencies. He dropped his head in his hands and turned to walk away, to leave me with the literal and metaphoric mess I'd made. Without thinking I did the one thing I'd wanted to do for the last month, I reached for him. I wrapped my hand around his thick forearm and tugged him towards me. My arms found their way around his daunting body and we stood holding tightly to one another. Saying his arms felt like home would be an underestimation, a cliche. They felt liked I'd never left, like my body had been sculpted for the sole purpose of resting against his. Our problems weren’t fixed by the warmth of our chests together, and his tears were not an elixir that would erase the past, but in his kitchen with bits of broken plate surrounding us, I knew there was no way I could let go.

Notes

Don't go getting used to this multiple chapters a week business. This one was too good to save.
I hope you all had a tolerable holiday.

xx- T