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Stay, Stay, Stay

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Sidney found me on the floor of the supply closet with my arms around my legs and my head in my knees. Serena’s sobbing had gotten louder after explaining that she was going to be induced in two days if her body didn’t expel the fetus itself. The word expel made me cringe and after that her words were no longer understandable. Geno took the phone from her after a minute and promised me they’d call later. I sat in the silence of the dark closet surrounded by bandages and medical supplies, my throat was tight and my chest heavy. My first instinct was to scream. Punch the walls, throw things, I was irrational with anger. Furious with the universe for allowing something like this to happen. After all that heartache, all the confusion she went through after finding out, there was nothing fair about it. Instead, I crumbled to the floor in a fit of angry, gut wrenched tears. Banging my fists against the shelf behind me, a few boxes of adhesive bandages tumbled to the floor beside me.
“Fucking wrong,” I screamed at no one and hugged my knees against my chest. Rocking back and forth, I let the flood of tears drip down my face and let out frustrated sob after sob. I wasn’t crying for myself or how sad I was that I would never get to give my niece or nephew the tiny Sex Pistols onesie I’d bought a few weeks ago, that I would never get to see Serena holding the baby like I’d been trying to imagine. No, I was screaming for the pain I knew she felt. Because unlike the day I found her laying on her bedroom floor with tearstained cheeks, I couldn’t offer any comfort this time. I could do nothing to fix this for her, worse, I couldn’t even begin to imagine the hurt she was feeling.
“Bea?” Sidney opened the closet door a crack, letting in the bright light from the trainers’ room. I looked up hesitantly, pushing my hair out of my face and squinting at the light. “What’s wrong?” his face fell and he dropped to his knees, letting the door open completely.
“I’m sorry,” I took a jagged breath. The room had cleared out and scolded myself for causing such a scene.
“It’s okay,” he pulled me into his arms and smoothed my hair.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt your work out,” the tears were slowing down but my voice was still shaking.
“Shhh, don’t be silly,” his voice was low and soothing. We sat on the floor of the closet with my body cradled in his arms. He rocked gently and waited for me to explain. I couldn’t help but cringe, knowing that someone had gone to get him, that someone had heard me and by now most of the team likely knew that I was crying in a supply closet.
“It’s not fair,” I sobbed, a new wave of anger coming. “It’s not right,” I beat my balled up fists against his chest and buried my face in the soft fabric of his pens t-shirt.
“What’s not fair?” he coaxed, rubbing my back in tight circles.
“She lost the baby,” I finally sighed. Saying the words made it worse. Acknowledging it was true enough to tell people made me sick. I clutched the fabric of his shirt in my hands and pulled myself closer to him. His shirt was already damp but he pulled me tighter and continued his rocking motion. I waited for him to speak, but it didn’t happen. Instead he kissed the top of my head and let me cry. Somehow he knew that I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to do anything. My throat was too constricted to form words and my limbs felt heavy, my mind racing in a whirlpool of angry thoughts. A throbbing ache had developed inside me and I couldn’t catch my breath.
Time ticked by and the room remained empty, his shirt stayed in my fists and my tense body in his embrace. I couldn’t find the motivation to move even after the crying tapered off and my breathing evened out. I don’t know how long it took for my words to return, but by the time I spoke my eyes had dried and my face was stiff from salty tears.
“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered without moving.
“There’s nothing you can do,” he spoke with his face in my hair.
“It’s just so unfair. She was halfway there and now… after everything.”
“I know,” he sighed. “Did she say what happened?” he asked hesitantly.
“Just that they couldn’t find a heartbeat. She has to wait until she goes into labour now.” I started to feel my voice wavering again but fought the tears.
“Shit,” he whispered and hugged me tighter. “How’s Geno?”
“I don’t know. I only talked to him for a second, he said he’d call later.” I released his shirt from my grip and wrapped my arms around his torso.
“He’ll probably miss the game,” he sighed and shook his head. “God that’s horrible. The baby I mean, not missing the game.”
“I know,” I moved slowly to look at him. I saw the sadness in his eyes and had to turn away, for fear that I would lose it again.
“Let's go home,” He tucked a piece of loose hair behind my hear and ran the pad of his thumb along my cheek.
I nodded and took a deep breath before climbing off of him and getting to my feet. He held my hand tightly as we left the rink in silence, leaving our coats behind and feeling the warm spring air on our exposed skin. I couldn’t believe that such a beautiful day would forever mark such a tragic moment. Neither of us said anything on the drive home, I followed him up to the bedroom after kicking my shoes off in the foyer and we crawled into bed. It was an hour earlier than he usual took his game day nap but we didn’t bring it up, instead we lay in each other’s arms and drift easily into a dreamless sleep.

I stood behind the bench with a heavy heart and clouded mind. As Sidney had predicted, Geno wasn't in the game. Neither he nor Serena had called me back and I was sick with worry. Sidney tried to provide some comfort, assuring me that everything would be alright and that they were just taking some time, but it did little to settle my anxious stomach. I watched joylessly as the Penguins beat the Flyers 3-2. I wanted to be excited for the team but I couldn't find the energy in me to have any emotions other than the bleak feeling of despair. Without the knowledge that she was okay I couldn't allow my mind to think about anything else. I was fixated on the issue, stuck in a mental limbo that I wanted desperately to escape. My actions felt robotic, doling out icepacks and stretching tender muscles, filling out paperwork and making a list of what we needed to take to Philadelphia for the next game When Sidney and I finally left the rink it was close to midnight and I'd lost all concept of time.

"I love you," he whispered and kissed the side of my face before heading up to bed. I couldn't think about sleeping and instead sat on the couch in the darkness of the living room. A gentle spring rain tapped against the ground outside the huge windows and reflection of the streetlights against the slick streets made me homesick of the rainy island I'd grown up on. Homesick for the security of my youth, our youth, the one Serena and I had shared. Memories of late nights spent wide awake reading Cosmopolitan in secret and our disastrous attempts at baking came back to me.

"I have a silly question," Serena warned. We were twelve and laying on her bed surrounded by magazines with silly quizzes and notebooks with our lists of crushes.
"Okay!" I grinned, loving her silly questions, loving that I had someone to spend my Saturday nights with.
"Do you..." she paused and blushed. "Do you know what IT looks like?" We'd been leafing through a book her mother had given her about 'growing up'.
"Like a boy's...y'know?" I clarified and tried not to giggle.
"Mmhmm," she bit her lip and grinned.
"I don't know..." I tried to recall the images I'd seen on the slow dial-up internet. "I think so, but I'm not really sure."
It didn't take long before we were hunched over a piece of paper trying to draw our own incarnations of the male reproductive organs, complete with eyes and terrifying smiles.
"That one just looks like a worm," she giggled and nudged me.
I stuck out my tongue and proceeded to draw grass and flowers around it.
"Wait," she looked up at me with a hint of fear. "What if my mom finds these?"
"She won't," I assured her. "Besides, if she does, she can't be mad at us for drawing..." I adjusted a few lines on one of her profile images that included a very large and round set of testes. "Cars," I looked up at her and grinned, having turned the awkward penis sketch into an even more awkward race car. "She'll never know!" We both burst into a fit of giggles and fell back onto the bed, clutching the paper between us. We didn't know it then, but in a few short years we would both be well acquainted with the truth about male anatomy.

I lay back on the couch and let my eyes close, I wasn't ready for sleep but I hoped it would come anyway. I knew Sidney wanted me in bed beside him, but it didn't seem fair that I keep him awake with my tossing and turning when he needed all the sleep he could get. We were heading to Philadelphia the next afternoon for a game that could end the series. Should the Flyers win we'd be knocked out of the playoffs and I knew the idea made Sidney furious. I pulled the knitted afghan from the back of the couch and draped it over me. I was on my side facing away from the window hoping to fall asleep when I heard a light knock on the door. I groaned and cursed Beau for forgetting his keys again and stood up, taking the blanket with me. It dragged behind me, draped over my shoulders like a cape as I made my way to the front door, carefully avoiding the shoes that littered the entry way.
"Y'know, I really should just let you sleep on the lawn," I whispered loud enough for him to hear and unlocked the door. But it wasn't Beau standing in the rain, it was Serena.
"What are you doing here?" I pulled her inside and wrapped the afghan around her wet shoulders. She was wearing a large t-shirt that likely belonged to Geno and a pair of gym shorts.
"I...I.. didn't know where to go," she stammered, shivering and pulling the blanket tightly around her.
"Where's your car?" I closed the door and guided her towards the kitchen.
"I was at his house, I walked," she avoided my eyes and sat lifelessly at the table.
"That's like two kilometres," I stared at her in disbelief.
"I needed to leave," her voice was low and weak.
I didn't say anything, instead filled the kettle with water and placed it on the stove to boil.
"I couldn't stand him looking at me anymore," she continued. "He keeps asking if I'm okay and I don't know what to say. I'm not okay, but I can't tell him that because it just makes him upset. I...." she looked down at the table in front of her and took a shaky breath. "I've never seen someone cry the way he did."
I left my position beside the stove and sat down beside her, reaching out and taking her cold hand in mine. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't find any words that would help.
"He's just so heartbroken and I don't know what to do because it doesn't seem real to me. I keep telling myself it is but everything feels surreal. I swore I felt her move tonight and I convinced myself the doctors were wrong, but I know they aren't. I know it's over but she's still here. She's still inside of me." She pushed off the blanket and pressed her hands against her still pregnant stomach, showing me. "How can she still be here but already be gone? What did I do? I felt her! I felt her all week Bea! I know I'm not crazy, why do I feel crazy?" Her voice was panicky and louder with every statement. "Why can't I fix this?" she broke down. Tears spilled from her eyes and heavy sobs shook her body. Serena rest her forehead against the table and pounded her white knuckled fists against the hard surface.
"I know," I tried to soothe her but felt utterly useless. "It's not fair." I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her the way Sidney had held me, but I knew she didn't want to be touched. In the cold embrace of anguish she wanted to move freely, she always did. The kettle whistled but I didn't move, the high pitch squealing matching her earth shattering sobs.
"It's a girl," she finally looked up at me croaked. Tears slipped down her face as she tried to catch her breath. "We called her Sara Beatrice."
I felt my own eyes tickle with the threat of tears and my chest grow tighter but I willed myself not to lose control. It was her turn to fall apart. She moved towards me and rest her head wearily on my shoulder. We sat in silence as the minutes ticked by. At some point Sidney came down and turned off the kettle, pouring what was left of the water into our prepared tea mugs and placing them beside us, then returning to the bedroom. We didn't speak because there was nothing to say. She didn't need to hear the empty promise that everything would be okay, I didn't need to tell her I'd be beside her when she needed me. We both just knew.

They lost the game in Philadelphia 5-1 and the season ended. It was premature for some, but to me it felt like it had taken forever. Geno stayed in Pittsburgh with Serena and kept me updated on her condition. There were no signs of labour and she wasn't talking. I sat on the floor of the visitors locker room and packed the unused medical supplies in my bag, the atmosphere around me was bleak and the air heavy with disappointment. I listened to the players say their final words, how they were proud to have made it this far, how there as always next year. Sidney addressed the team and talked about the battle they'd lost and the promise that tomorrow held. With Serena's permission he told them why they were missing their star forward and watched the pain stricken faces of the fathers in the room. Pascal mumbled something in French then blessed himself while Marc- Andre shook his head in disbelief. Like Serena, I still couldn't believe it was true. Surreal was the only word that fit.

After a red-eye flight home and a few hours of restless sleep I held her hand while she lay in the hospital bed, stone faced and waiting for the Pitocin to kick in. She refused the epidural and the nurses told her how strong she was, but I knew it wasn't about strength. She needed to feel the full affects of the contractions to know it was real. I sat on her right, with Geno to her left, keeping an eye on the Cardiotocograph. The CTG machine measured uterine activity. The baseline fetal heart rate was flat but we watched the contractions begin slowly, every ten to fifteen minutes I'd see her body tense and feel her squeeze my hand making only a faint whimpering noise. 

The light streaming through the windows of the private room faded from morning to evening. Sidney offered to bring dinner but Geno and I both declined. We had no appetite and it seemed wrong to eat while Serena was fasting. Sid text me every few hours, checking in and sending his love to Serena, but he knew I didn't feel like talking. Better yet, I had nothing to say.

"Do you remember our first concert together?" I wiped her forehead with a cool cloth and tried to distract her from the pain.
"The Jay-Z one," she said between clenched teeth.
"Yeah," I forced a smile. We'd just moved to Pittsburgh and the station had given her comp tickets.
"We were the lamest people in the crowd," she laughed. "You wore a dress and we almost got trampled in the mosh pit."
"We mastered the fist pump at the end of that," I added. "And the guy behind us had his hands in your back pockets but I swore he was gay."
"That's right," she laughed but it quickly turned to a moan as another contraction picked up.
"Do your remember the day we brought Luna home?" I continued, giving her something to focus on other than the pain.
"She slept in the pocket of my sweater," she replied as the pain lessened and the contraction ended.
"And kept us up all night."
"And clawed at your leather boots."
"Do you remember when we slept in my parents' backyard and were convinced we'd be attacked by a bear?" I asked, smiling.
"Yes," she giggled. "Your dad spent an hour explaining that we didn't have a lot of bears on the Island because they can't afford the ferry ticket."

We spent the next three hours talking back and forth about our adventures together. Geno listened intently, smiling and asking the occasional question. After fourteen hours the doctor declared she was fully dilated and was ready to push. A group of solemn nurses stood by as she clenched her jaw and pushed with everything she had left in her. We held her legs and wiped her forehead, fed her ice chips and gave whatever encouragement we could think of. I watched the tears form in Geno's eyes as a tiny head came out after half an hour of pushing. I couldn't hold back my own pained whimpers as the rest of Sara's tiny body came into the world without her. The doctors cut the umbilical cord and turned to take the tiny bundle away but were met by Serena's screams. She wailed for them to bring her back and demanded to hold the fragile body of the daughter she was supposed to have. After the placenta was delivered they left us alone with the bundle that Serena held tightly against her.
Sara fit in the palm of Geno's hand and weighted under a pound. Her skin was translucent and features undeveloped. I ran my finger gently along her forehead and with tears reappearing told her I loved her before leaving Serena and Geno to say goodbye. In the bright lights of the sterile hallway I took a cleansing breath and decided I was out of tears. I took even steps and walked calmly to the waiting room, thinking about how badly I wanted to be home with Sidney. I entered the room digging through my purse to find my phone to call a cab, having forgotten that I'd driven with Serena that morning. Through the windows I could see the darkness of the sky and the reflection of the street lamps in the rain, the automatic doors opened and I could smell the clean wet air. And then I saw him, sitting in the corner with his hands shoved in the pocket of his hoodie and his legs stretched out in front of him. The brim of his hat was pulled down over his eyes but I knew right away it was him. Sidney had come for me.
"Let's go home," I said placing my hand on his knee and waking him up.

Notes

Another hard chapter to write.
I guess my knowledge as a hopeful midwife comes in handy when writing story lines like this. But I have to admit it's a challenge to address these things gracefully having very little personal experience with them so I do hope I've done it fairly.

I love your comments. All of them. they let me know that you're reading and always inspire me to write. Thank you!

xx-T

Comments

This was so good!!! I was in tears at the end when thinking about Sid retiring haha

Court31 Court31
2/17/21

Beautiful story.

Aleja21 Aleja21
10/29/18

This story was great and very relatable because of the beliefs that Bea and I share. You really captured the struggle of being in a relationship and making a marriage work. Keep up the good work and don't stop writing. :)

RoxPensChick RoxPensChick
9/17/17

@melindaone
I'm so glad you enjoyed it!!! Thanks for sticking through and reading :D :D



TheoAirplane TheoAirplane
9/11/17

Well, that was sooo good. I loved their story. I still do. Their love, strenght, humor..this all made me fall in love. So thank you for a chance to be a part of K.C. family.

melindaone melindaone
9/8/17