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Stay, Stay, Stay

Chapter Forty

The days following Sara’s delivery went by in a blur. My time was split between end of season physicals and paperwork with the team, and trying to be of some comfort to Serena. Needless to say one of those jobs was coming easier than the other. She spent two nights after the labour in the hospital, hooked up to a steady stream of IV fluids and almost constantly sedated. Geno sat at her bedside and watched her drift in and out of consciousness, hardly able to open her eyes. His devotion wasn’t surprising, but we all worried for him. His sad eyes and exhausted body stayed slumped in the hard arm chair for hours on end, only moving when completely necessary, only eating when reminded. He spoke softly to her, mumbling an incomprehensible string of Russian while she slept, and repeating the same comforting phrases when she’d awake for the brief and fleeting minutes before remembering and falling back into despair. He told her “is safe”, repeating the words like a prayer, a promise between them. I wondered if he was telling Serena she was safe, a reaction to the fear the clouded her eyes, or if he was reassuring both of them that Sara was safe, wherever she happened to be.
Serena didn’t go home with Geno after being discharged. Much to Sidney’s superstitious dismay Luna had been staying with us— sleeping directly on his pillow— allowing Serena to spend as much time as she needed with Geno. But she wanted to be home. He offered to stay at the apartment with her, he offered to do anything she wanted, he’d give her the world on a silver platter, desperate to provide some relief. Every offer was met with refusal, she wanted to be alone. We all knew that nothing was going to ease her heavy heart, but Serena was the only one willing to admit it out loud.

After a day spent torturing players with extensive athletic and medical testing, I sent Sidney home alone and set off on my third attempt of the say to communicate with Serena. Armed with bags of take away I trudged up the stairs to our purple door and pushed it open. Our home was a disaster zone. Unlike before, Serena hadn’t channeled her anxiety into productive tidying, instead her fits of rage sent objects flying around the room. Couch cushions out of place, piles of dishes on the counter, I hardly recognized the usually neat surroundings. Setting the food on the table, I tried to make the space livable. But my efforts did little to change the environment. I could clean every dish in the house and wash the floors on my hand and knees and it wouldn’t change anything. I did what I could with the living room and wiped down the sticky kitchen counters. Admitting defeat I opened the fridge hoping to find a bottle of wine, instead I was met by an image stuck to the white door. And image I hadn’t seen before. The black and white ultrasound, Sara’s last picture.
I sat with her that night, but we didn’t speak. We ate in silence, sat in silence and I left in silence. I was tired in a way I couldn’t explain. A way that words would never be able to fully capture. My eyes refused to stay open, but my body wouldn’t sleep. I tried time and time again to find some stillness in my mind, but the racing thoughts kept my body alert and on edge. I watched myself standing on the edge of life, dipping my toes into the realm of insanity. The temptation of darkness threatened to pull me into its suffocating embrace. It told me it could take away the mountainous main, overwhelm the heartache in a wash of somber grey. We’d done this dance before, the dodge and weave of battling foes, struggling for power and dominance. I watched Serena dive head first into the pool of despair and bob with the waves of treacherous agony. I was given the option of bleakness, she wasn’t so fortunate. There was no one who could jump in and save her. All Geno could do was sit by and watch helplessly as the once mother of his child lost herself. His eyes so clouded with confusion couldn’t differentiate between the waving arms of invitation and the flailing limbs of lunacy. And so again and again I watched her push him away, breaking his heart bit by bit until the damage would resemble a fraction what had been done to hers.
There was a wedge between Sidney and I that I couldn’t find a way around. It was an uneasy tension that left me with a sense of empty isolation. Our conversations felt forced, as if he never knew what to say to the shell of who I used to be that sat beside him. My body was the same, but inside I felt like a different person had taken over. My day to day functions were robotic, running on safe mode in hopes of avoiding a total melt down. Everything had shifted, my diet returned to a controlled 1,200 calorie intake—just enough to keep me functional— I traded my usual witty banter for silence, and my enthusiasm for a monotone acceptance. The darkness hadn’t come completely, but the shadow of desolation had washed me away.

“Where are you?” Sidney asked, walking towards me and brushing my hair out of my face with his wide palm.
“I’m here,” I mumbled and tried to break away from him. I wasn’t ready to be having this conversation, let alone in the kitchen while Beau and James played video games down the hall.
“You’re not,” he shook his head and took a shaky breath. I cringed and the sight of him, eyes wide and ready to spill tears, forehead wrinkled with concern. “Where are you, Beatrice?” He asked again and took my hand in his.
“It’s just my period…” I tried to scare him away but unlike most men I knew, mentioning my uterine activity didn’t phase him. Instead he held my hand tighter and locked his eyes on mine.
“Please talk to me,” he pleaded, his voice still low enough that only I could hear him.
It was getting harder to breathe, it felt like I hadn’t taken a real breath in weeks, the kind that fills your lungs with air and makes the world seem all the more manageable. Instead I’d been existing on shallow puffs of oxygen that only lasted a few seconds, much like my days I was taking things a few seconds at a time.
“I don’t… have words,” I pulled my eyes away from him, unable to handle the desperation on his face any longer. To my own surprise I felt my body falling towards his, my arms wrap around his torso and my head pressed against his chest. Before I could run away from him I was grasping for him, holding onto him like a life raft in the hurricane waves of my own mind. I wanted him to keep me grounded and save my from myself, hold onto me with everything he had and refuse to let go. He did just that. Without a word he pulled so close to him that even the most threatening of demons couldn’t tear us apart. His tight embrace pushed the anxiety out of reach and I could finally breathe. Tears of relief slipped down my face and my silent cries were cleansing the tense energy around us. It swirled and nipped at my heals but the force of his affection obliterated the dark entities that tried to pull me away from him.
We stood in the kitchen until time and reality didn’t matter anymore. Our bodies rocking together and my tears rinsing away our pent up anger and easing the burden I held inside me. We held onto each other long after James left and Beau went to bed, neither of us spoke or tried to break away. Our breathing became timed in unison and I couldn’t tell where he ended and I began.
The house was dark with the exception of the light over the stove, when I led him upstairs. My fingers tightly laced between his, afraid to let go as we walked slowly to the bedroom. He closed the door gently behind him and we only broke apart to undress. My long sleeve shirt and jeans fell to the floor quietly with my bra and underwear, his gym shorts and shirt in a separate pile, garnished with his boxers on top. He stood in front of me, bare and raw with the light from the window illuminating his light skin and defined body. There was an innocence about us, both gazing lustfully at the other. I didn’t feel exposed under his enchanted stare. We didn’t speak as he took the steps towards me and pressed his lips hungrily against mine, burying his hands in my hair. I pressed against him and let my mouth submit to his, my arms circling his waist so our hips touched. His hands slipped from the tangles of my hair to my bum and my arms moved around his neck. There was a silent communication between us, and I knew to lift my weight at the right moment allowing him to hold me effortlessly in his arms, my legs wrapped around his waist. His lips didn’t leave mine, his tongue as a part of me as my own. We held on tightly to one another before he took the few steps to the bed and laid me down with the utmost care. His lips left me and I let out a light whimper before feeling his eyes study my partially illuminated form. He smiled so sweetly before kissing his way down my neck and burying his face in my swollen breasts. His hand held mine while the other stroked gently along my hip bone. His teeth grazed my nipped and fingers danced down towards my wanting core. Every nerve in my body felt at attention and I didn’t want to stop him. To break away from the trance we were in felt like betrayal, but I had to. As his fingers grazed my clit delicately I let out a stifled moan.
“I’m…” I began, but my lips were met with his softly.
“I don’t care,” he shook his head and moved off of me to allow me to do what I needed to.
I got off the bed and hurried into the bathroom, closing the door and removing the menstrual cup, then after making sure everything was in order I returned to him and impermeable trance that had taken over our room. Lost in reverie together he kissed me the same comfort and want as before. A raw tenderness that dissolved any negative thoughts that remained. The racing in my mind slowed to a stop and for those moments nothing else exists. His hands gripped my hips and he held me against him as we rolled to the middle of the bed, ending with me on top and my legs on either side of him. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how nothing had ever mattered so much in the history of the world as he did to me, but I didn’t need to. My hands on his chest and my lips lightly pressed against his said more than words ever could. Hands still firmly on my hips he moved suggestively and I hovered over him. I felt his excited hardness lined up against me and I moved down slowly, breaking the walls that had been built between us in our months of abstinence. The barriers shattered with every rhythmic movement. There was nothing rushed about him as his hands explored the curves of my body, holding and squeezing parts with a groan when I moved in the right way. Desperate to feel more of him I leaned down and pressed my nose against his, brushing our lips together and tangling my fingers in his short wavy hair.
His forearm was pressed against my back, holding me against him when he moved to a sitting position. So lost in the heat of his body I paid no mind him reposition us, my legs over his and his hands on my back. We moved together, fading into each other. He rocked into me and kissed me with an increased hunger. I moved my tongue along the empty space where his teeth had been then rest my forehead against his, taking a minute to lock my eyes on his. His lips curved in a lazy smile and hands moved to guide my hips against him. We swayed together under the influence of desperation and moving with fervor and an intensity like never before. He knew where to touch, where to focus his attention, how to get me where I wanted to be, and with his precise movements I felt my vision going fuzzy and my body tensing. His soft groans and my own noises making it harder to hold on to reality. Stretching upwards in ecstasy I felt his lips on my neck and fell over the edge. Except this time I wasn’t on the edge of life, dipping my toes into the insanity. I was plunging head first into a sea of irrevocable affection. Rushes of electricity coursing through me still as he followed me into the depths, holding us tightly together.
He’d taken away my tension without a single word. We lay in silence, a tangle of limbs and lust. Neither of us dared to move as our heart rates returned to normal and the world became focused again. It didn’t matter than we were damp with sweat and the sheets were stained beneath us, I didn’t matter that we hadn’t set the house alarm or brushed our teeth. Nothing mattered when I he had his skin against mine and his face in my hair. Nothing mattered because the bleakness was fading and contentment overwhelmed the despair, because I was feeling something again.

With the season and end of season exams done for us, Sidney and I were both free to do as we pleased. Or at least that was the illusion we were under for a few hours until his agent called to discuss the off season schedule. My dreams of lazy beach days and family barbecues were dashed when he sat down across from me with a calendar and a marker.
“If we fly out this weekend we can have a few weeks before I have to go to training,” he explained while I picked at my breakfast. “I have the Olympic camp the end of August, and and appointment to get my teeth fixed in Halifax in June.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or to himself as he filled out the dates in the lighthouse calendar my mother had bought us. “I usually train in Toronto, but I can go in July and the beginning of August and fly back to the house for the weekends. I also have promotional stuff to shoot in L.A in September, so we’ll get to go there…”
“Sidney,” I interrupted him, calmly placing my fork on the table.
“Yeah?” he looked at me, but was completely distracted by the schedule in front of him.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” My first off-season as someone in the life of an NHL player left me with a million questions. I knew we were going to Nova Scotia but what was I supposed to do while he was training? Was he expected to be available for the media the whole time?
“The off-season schedule, we have to plan to fit everything in.” He returned to the calendar, referencing his phone every few seconds.
“Sidney,” I interrupted again.
“Yeah?” he didn’t look up this time. Too focused on the task.
“Do I get any say in this?” I pushed my plate away and waited.
He looked up at me tentatively, not sure how to respond. “I guess,” he finally said.
“Just checking,” I shrugged and gave him a half smile before returning to my food. I didn’t particularly want a say, largely because I had no idea how it all worked, but I needed the reassurance that I was included in the process and had some control, however small it may be.
In the end it was decided that we would leave for Nova Scotia in three days, spend the remainder of May enjoying the house, in June he’d begin getting the dental implants and training, July would be training, and August more training with a dash of media and Olympic camp. He promised it wasn’t as hectic as it sounded but I told him I’d believe it when I saw it.

I nervously waited with the phone pressed against my ear for Serena to answer. With only three days left in Pittsburgh I needed to make sure she would be okay and that Luna could go home.
“Hi,” she answered with a little more energy than I’d seen recently. “What’s up?”
Startled by her chirpy tone I checked to make sure I’d called the right person. “Serena?” I asked carefully. The voice sounded right but the attitude didn’t.
“Bea?” she replied questioningly.
“Are you okay?” I asked hesitantly.
“I’m a bit better than I was,” she said with a sigh of relief. I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders and I couldn’t keep the smile from creeping across my lips.
“I’m so glad!” I said with a relaxed sigh.
“Yeah,” she paused. “I uh, went to talk to someone. It’s helping.”
I knew there was no instant or easy fix, but any improvement in her mood was cause for excitement. The more determined she was to fight the darkness the more successful she would be. “I’m really happy for you,” I smiled. We hadn’t had a real conversation in weeks, only meaningless text messages and me checking into the apartment every so often.
“You know how it is, good days and bad days. This is an okay day,” she explained.
“So about days,” I steered the conversation. “Sid and I leave in three days.”
“And Geno and I leave next week,” she knew what I was getting at.
“You’re going to Russia?” I asked surprised. I wouldn’t have expected her to be willing to travel when things were still so unstable.
“I decided I didn’t want to be alone,” she remarked. “I knew you’d be gone and I’m on a leave from the station. I might as well.”
“So we have a problem,” I laughed nervously.
“A black fluffy problem.”
“I guess if I have to I can take her with me, but crossing the border with animals is a pain, and I don’t know if I’ll be staying in one place the whole time,” I thought out loud.
“Does anyone owe us any favours?” she chuckled.
“We could bribe Andy? Send her on the bus and pay him in hockey tickets?”
“Or we could put her in one of those fancy hotels where we can watch her on the internet,” Serena’s suggestion was more amusing that realistic.
Luna circled around my legs and meowed impatiently, rubbing her whiskers against my leg. She couldn’t go a day without affection let alone three and a half months. Serena and I decided to split off and search for a solution. We’d touch base the next day with possibilities and figure it out. In the end, Luna was going to have someplace to stay, or Sidney would be spending his summer alone.

“Sid,” I whined as I made my way down the stairs into the kitchen where he was drinking a post work out smoothie.
“Bea,” he whined back at me and offered me a drink of the concoction. I wrinkled my nose and pushed it back at him.
“I have a problem,” I pouted, allowing my inner six year old to take over.
“What’s wrong?” he flicked my pushed out lower lip with his thumb and smiled.
“Serena’s going to Russia, and we’re going to Canada, and Luna has no place to go,” I pushed myself onto the counter and sighed. “I’m trying not to panic, but It’s not working,” I returned to a more mature state and rubbed my forehead anxiously.
“Don’t get stressed out,” he came over to me and placed his hands on my knees. “What are your ideas so far?” He was so calm and rational and I instantly felt at ease.
“We can take her with us, send her to Philadelphia, or put her up in a five star cat resort.”
“Okay,” he nodded. “Taking her with us is an option, but it might be hard. I wouldn’t wish Philly on anyone though,” he grinned. “And I’m not sure cat resorts exist in Pittsburgh.” One by one he shot down my ideas and I felt the anxiety return.
“Well I can’t just leave her in the apartment with some food at water for three months! Maybe I should just stay here,” I cried in frustration.
“Or,” he squeezed my leg to pull my attention back to him. “You could ask one of the many people on the team who have families and spend the off season here…” he suggested.
“I could do that?” I looked at him with my head cocked to the side.
“What do you think I do with the house?” he chuckled and rubbed my knee. “I’m pretty sure we can find someone who has a daughter who will be more than excited to look after your freaky Sailor Moon cat. When in doubt and Duper or Mario.” He kissed my nose playfully and pulled me against him, his arms wrapped around me.
“Thank you,” I hugged him. My blood pressure returning to a healthy level and my mind relaxing.
“Don't let the little things pull you back into the darkness,” he warned and kissed my cheek. “It’s better in the light, with me.”

Notes

You, my readers, and incredible. I'm a little obsessive about tracking reads and right now between Mibba and HFF I have over 87,000 which I thought was quite fitting.

Anyway, that chapter happened. I'm not really sure what to say. If y'all haven't noticed I like to write about things I think are important, such as feminism, and tattoos, and the Flyers. So of course I wanted to throw in some sex positivity and channel my inner Laci Green (check out her YouTube if you're not familiar with her glory.) Anyway, apparently people have opinions on intimate things like sex at certain times of months, and I guess if you're really not into it that's cool. I'm just the kind of granola hippie who thinks people should embrace everything and be open and live in communes with gardens (I wish I was kidding) So I suppose I'm sorry if you're not down with it all but y'know, it happens. I hope you'll appreciate it all otherwise.

So many big things coming I can't even!
xx-T

Comments

This was so good!!! I was in tears at the end when thinking about Sid retiring haha

Court31 Court31
2/17/21

Beautiful story.

Aleja21 Aleja21
10/29/18

This story was great and very relatable because of the beliefs that Bea and I share. You really captured the struggle of being in a relationship and making a marriage work. Keep up the good work and don't stop writing. :)

RoxPensChick RoxPensChick
9/17/17

@melindaone
I'm so glad you enjoyed it!!! Thanks for sticking through and reading :D :D



TheoAirplane TheoAirplane
9/11/17

Well, that was sooo good. I loved their story. I still do. Their love, strenght, humor..this all made me fall in love. So thank you for a chance to be a part of K.C. family.

melindaone melindaone
9/8/17