“You think you can just crawl into my bed with pants on and I’m going to be okay with it?” I hissed as Sidney slipped under the covers beside me. We’d spent the day— our first full day on the Island— with my family. I’d spent most of my time admiring Felix and watching Sidney entertain Lyla, never had a grown man look so sexy at a tea party.
“Excuse me?” he looked bewildered, his face illuminated by the glow of the moon through my window.
“You can’t just spend the whole day looking like you do and then hop into bed expecting a cozy night’s rest,” I growled in his ear and placed my hand on the centre of his chest, pressing myself against his side.
“Is that a fact?” he smirked, not making a move.
“Truest words to ever leave my lips,” I nipped at his earlobe and let my hand drift down his stomach.
“And your parents being across the hall doesn’t bother you at all?” his resistance was impressive, never before had I seen him hold off my advances so well.
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” I let my hands move even further, lightly brushing my fingers over the slight bulge in his pants.
“Are you looking for more notches in this specific bedpost?” he took my hand in his and glanced at me seductively.
“Absolutely,” I groaned. Before I could continue his body was on top of me and his lips feverishly pressed against mine.
“I should have known you weren’t wearing anything under here,” he moaned, cupping one of my breasts in his big hand. My body was abuzz with excitement and I pawed desperately the fabric of his clothes.
“I told you pants weren’t welcome in this bed,” my words were breathy as he kissed down my neck to my collar bones, sucking lightly on the thin skin. His hand moved from my hyper sensitive nipples to the heat and pooling dampness between my legs.
“Well you certainly are happy to see me,” he looked up at me and grinned, shuffling his body down and taking the same nipple between his teeth as his fingers dipped into the sea of excitement.
“You have no idea,” I arched my back in reaction to his touch. His thumb brushed over the bundle of nerves that stood to attention, craving any kind of affection he was willing to give it, and I had to stifle a moan. He didn’t waste any time after hearing my excitement and his lips left my breasts in favour of the welcoming warmth under the covers and between my knees. His hand reached up and took mine as his tongue traced the organic lines of my flesh and lapped up my joy. Two fingers dipping in and out of me while the vibrations of his humming mouth sucked on my wanting clit. My breathing was shallow, frantic as the muscles in my sides and stomach began to tighten and twitch. I could feel it happen, sense the impending wave inside me was about to crash. One careful movement of his tongue sent me into a convulsing state of euphoria, my free hand clapped over my mouth to muffle the cries of release. Never before had I so quickly tumbled into orgasmic territory.
“Good lord,” his head popped out from under the blankets and stared at me wide eyed. “I had no intention of doing that so quickly,” he chuckled.
“So good,” I sighed and pulled him up to me. I was far from satisfied, hardly close to being done with him. The energy that rattled inside of me couldn’t be quelled by one slip into the pool of euphoria. I could taste myself on his lips and it was no surprise that that simple detail made me all the more desperate for him. It was suddenly all the more important that his clothing be far away from my skin. All it took was a tug at the hem of his shirt for Sidney to get the message and send it flying across the room. My hand slipped down the waist of his pants and they quickly followed suit. Finally I had the skin on skin contact I needed and my mind was foggy with desire and lust. Having him pressed against me was a feeling I didn’t dare articulate, a sense of contentment that I knew words could never do justice.
“Fuck I love you,” he groaned, looking directly at me. The intensity in his eyes made my skin flush and insides flip-flop. The reminder that he shared my feelings intensified all the emotions than ran through my heated body. The reassurance obliterated any hesitation I may have felt about anything in our lives.
I touched him with the utmost of care. Carefully moving my hand up and down his engorged erection, savouring the sensation of having him in my hand. His eyes clamped shut, he kissed me with a moan and pushed his hips into me. I let go, knowing he was as eager as I was and kissed him slowly, waiting to feel the fullness of our bodies connecting. He pressed into my more than ready wetness and I let out a staggered breath of pleasure. His movement was slow and gentle until I felt my nails digging into his back and heard myself moan “faster.” There was a sense of disassociation, I was there, but I had no control over my words, all my attention was focused on the feeling of him. He sped up in response but I wanted more. I motioned for him to stop and rolled onto my stomach, propped up on my hands and knees he had the range of movement to pick up the pace and he did exactly that. Feverishly pushing himself into me, his hands firmly on my hips and my face buried in the pillow to muffle the moans I couldn’t control. I felt his hand come down on the heated flesh of my backside and groaned loudly in approval. The smack of his hand against my skin took our actions from affectionate and deliberate to raw and animalistic. Something I hadn’t known I wanted until it happened. His hand came down again and I felt my body twitch with glee. Somehow he knew exactly what I wanted. After a third strike he kissed the tender area I expected would be red the next day, then returned to the rapid pumping rhythm his hips had gotten into. My body was electric with every move he made, teetering on the edge of fireworks.
When I felt his hand glide across my reddened skin I was already wondering how much longer I could last, but as his thumb pressed on a part of my body he’d yet to explore I knew the answer. I was a goner. The sensation of his thumb threatening to invade uncharted territory, combined with the familiarly of him inside me and his skin against mine sent me once again leaping into the waters of orgasm, bobbing in a sea of unmatched delight. An internal explosion of muscle spasms and breathtaking satisfaction turned me to putty underneath him. My tremors of joy gripped him and I heard him groan with his mouth pressed into my back, diving into his own earth altering state of pleasure.
We fell together in a pile of sweaty limbs and content smiles, both breathing heavy and glowing with satisfaction.
“That thing,” I panted, the blankets kicked to the end of the bed and my body laying bare beside his. “With your thumb, put that on the repeat list.”

I woke up with the blankets twisted around my still naked body, and an empty space in the bed beside me. The pink alarm clock on the bedside table read 10:36am and I was pleasantly surprised that Sidney had let me sleep so late. I pulled on the pyjamas I’d left folded in my suitcase and headed downstairs. My bare feet padded along the cold hardwood floor making the same sound they’d made when I was sixteen. I found Sidney sitting across from my parents at the kitchen table, a glass of green liquid in front of him. I smiled at them sleepily and made a beeline for the tea cupboard. I pulled out a box of orange pekoe and plopped a bag in the biggest mug I could find. The kettle was still warm on the stove and the water steamed perfectly as I poured it over the bag. I dropped in a sugar cube and turned to get the milk out of the fridge when I noticed the bulky stainless steel blender on the counter. It looked out of place surrounded by decorative vases and teacups.
“Did you seriously bring your blender?” I called to Sidney, unsure whether I was amazed or disgusted. I emerged with my tea and glared at him.
“I wasn’t sure…” he shrugged and took a mouthful of the green concoction. He was wearing a a black Pens hoodie and gym shorts, by the look of his flushed face and sweaty hair he’d just gotten back from some form of morning workout.
“We might not have Sephora around here, but we have blenders,” I rolled my eyes and sat down beside him, trying to fight the smile that threatened my lips.
“Traffic lights too,” he laughed and kissed my cheek. I glanced across the table to find my parents watching us, matching smiles on their faces and their fingers intertwined with one another.
“How did you sleep dear?” my mother asked with a knowing smile while my father avoided my gaze.
“Great,” I said holding the mug to my mouth and taking a long drink. She winked and I felt my face heating to the average temperature of hell. Sid glanced at me in horror, his own cheeks a bright crimson and his jaw clenched.
“That’s good,” she nodded casually. “Do you two have any plans today?” I couldn’t decide which was more awkward, knowing that my mother had heard us, or how casual she was about the whole thing.
“I told Travis I’d stop by this afternoon,” I looked hesitantly at Sid. I’d forgotten to mention these plans to him and considering everything I’d told him about Travis, I expected some hesitation. Instead he just smiled, still avoiding eye contact with anyone and took another drink.
“You’re going to run out of room, Kid,” my dad smiled over his coffee.
“That’s the plan,” I grinned.

I stood in front of the mirror and glared at my reflection. Dressed in the same high waisted shorts I’d been wearing the first time Sid and I slept together and a tank top, something didn’t look right.
“Do I look okay?” I asked Sidney as he walked in drying his hair with a towel, another hung low on his hips.
“I guess,” he shrugged and rubbed the towel against his head.
“What do you mean you guess?” I turned to the side and slouched.
“Honestly?” he dropped the towels and pulled on a pair of boxer briefs.
“Yes,” I turned to face him, admiring the view of his still damp chest.
“Your shorts are too tight, the zipper is working really hard. You’re going to be uncomfortable.” He did up his own pants and smiled at me. “But you look hot, I remember those shorts. I remember taking them off you too,” he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head before moving to get a shirt.
I wasn’t mad at him for pointing out the problem in my outfit, his honesty was comforting. But I was upset that my months of careless eating had rendered my favourite shorts unwearable. I pulled them off in a hurry and groaned. I wanted to wear sweatpants for the rest of my days, but I knew Sidney wouldn’t appreciate Travis working on my leg while I sat on a table in my underwear.
“Do I look bigger?” I asked, reaching for a dress then turning back to my reflection in the mirror.
“No,” he laughed and stood behind me, running his hands up my sides. “You look rested, and glowy."
"Glowy?" I smirked. "Do you mean sweaty? Should I be taking a shower?"
"Nah," he buried his nose in my hair and inhaled. "You smell fine."
“Well I guess that’s all that matters then,” I rolled my eyes and pulled the yellow jersey cotton dress over my head. My hair was pulled into a lazy ponytail and I had no intention of putting on make up, there was no reason for me to dress up to see Travis and I wanted to make that very clear to Sidney. Despite his nonchalant reaction I worried he was the slightest bit jealous of my past.

Sid waited patiently while Travis inked the new piece into a space above my left knee. It fit perfectly in the dip before my knee cap but was far from comfortable. I winced and reached for Sidney’s hand as the needles grated against my bone leaving the shadows and lines that made up a moon and stars against the backdrop of a purple night sky. It was a sort of homage to Serena and Sara, a reminder of the light they both brought the world. The symbolism was corny, I knew that, but it felt right. Serena was my guiding light through all the darkness, my sailor moon.
“You coming to the show tonight?” Travis asked, trying to distract me as he shaded in the details of the glowing moon.
“Show?” I winced as he got closer to my knee cap. I’d had worse places tattooed, ribs, feet, places that they warn you about, but as he wiped away the access ink and kept going I wondered if I could make it through.
“Yeah, a couple bands are playing The Duke. Buddy’s new band Crashing Canine is there. Bunch of the guys will be there, you should come.” Buddy was a longtime nickname for Mitch, Travis’ best friend and one of the notches on my figurative bedpost. They were part of a select group of people I could actually stand in high school, a crew of easy going individuals who kept me sane for the years I lived at home.
“That sounds awesome,” I squeezed Sidney’s hand and looked at him for approval. He glanced up from my phone and smiled weakly, likely reading my twitter feed. He claimed to hate social media and avoid it on principle, but in reality he didn’t need it because he used mine instead.
“Smack might be there too,” Travis winked, referring to Teigh, the third member of their group who I’d slept with.
“Do you think it’ll be a chill place?” I asked, nodding towards Sidney whose attention returned to my phone.
“Throw a hoodie on him and he’ll blend in,” he chuckled. “I’ll put you guys on the guest list at the band door, you can hide out in the back if you want.”
It was a relief to know that Travis understood the complications that came with secretly dating a local celebrity. I personally didn’t think it would be tragic if the story of our involvement was leaked, but I had to respect Sidney’s anxiety about the attention. In the end, it affected him more than it did me.

Two hours later Travis covered the finished piece in absorbent pads and taped them to my knee. The beautiful moon fit perfectly in the crook near the outside and looked like it belonged on me. I promised to text Travis when we got to the bar, and hobbled to the truck, tossing Sid the keys on the way.

“You’re sure I’m going to blend in?” Sidney asked, holding an old Misfits zip up in front of him. As per my request, my mother had saved all of the clothes I left behind after high school and I’d found a garbage bag of band t-shirts and sweaters in the attic.
“I think so,” I shimmied a pair of fishnet tights over my hips. “Are you sure you won’t try the eyeliner? I think it would be fun.”
“No make-up,” he warned and pulled the sweater over his shoulders. I stood in my bra and fishnets and studied his appearance. The hoodie matched with his jeans seemed to fit the part, but something was missing. He looked to perfect, too put together, too recognizable. I closed the space between us and ruffled his hair with both hands, hoping it would help.
“Something’s missing,” I frowned.
“Yeah, a mohawk and fifty tattoos,” he replied sarcastically. “That was a joke, don’t get any ideas,” he smirked before I could reply.
“What about a nose ring?” I teased, leaving his hair to finish my own outfit- an old denim shirt, a white tank top, and my favourite leather jacket from high school. I pulled my hair into a high ponytail and tied my trusty red bandana around my head, my eye makeup was dark and my lips bright red. For the first time in a long time, I looked like myself. Or rather, I looked like the Beatrice Keller than Travis knew. I slipped on a pair of worn Doc Martens that hadn’t made the move with me, and tossed Sidney a pair of black and white Converse.
“These aren’t going to fit,” he shook his head and stared at the dusty shoes.
“They’re a size eight men’s, I think you’ll manage,” I replied, waiting for him.
“Are these yours?” he stuffed his foot in and bent down to tie the laces.
“Yes,” I stood impatiently jiggling the car keys and checking my pockets for everything I needed.
“Your feet are huge,” he looked up and grinned at me.
“Not really,” I felt myself blushing. The size of my feet had always been a sore point, as a teenager I’d longed to be a size six or seven women’s but they just kept growing.
He let out a chuckle and got to his feet. “I love you and your huge feet,” he kissed my forehead and hugged me with one arm.
“Oh good,” I said sarcastically. “I was worried you were going to dump me because of my shoe size.” I kissed him gently, leaving a light smudge of red on his lips and headed out the door.

“Beast!” I heard someone call as we walked through the backdoor of the pub. The back hallway was cluttered with equipment and instruments and I could hear the music from the stage muffled but loud. “Beast Killer, I can’t believe it!” Teigh ran towards me, leaving his guitar behind. He pulled me in his arms and twirled us around, I shrieked as I felt my feet leave the floor. This was the same way he’d greeted me last time I’d seen him, and the time before that, and every day of our high school careers. Despite everything, somethings didn’t change.
“How are you?” I giggled when he’d returned me to my own feet. He stood in front of us, a few inches taller than Sidney, wearing black and white raglan sleeve shirt and tight black jeans. His sandy blonde hair fell in the same shaggy mop it always had and the only difference I could see was the tattoo on his neck.
“Great,” he grinned. “How are you? God you look good,” he gestured to me and winked.
“Thank you,” I beamed and felt Sidney take my hand in his protectively. “Smack this is my boyfriend,” I began to introduce them but stopped, unsure whether to tell him Sidney’s real name or keep him a secret.
“Sid,” he held out his hand and smiled.
“Teigh,” Smack shook it enthusiastically. “Shit Beast, why didn’t you tell me you were dating a celebrity?” he teased.
“Shh,” I laughed at his excitement. “We’re trying to blend in!”
“Right,” he nodded. “Nice to meet you average dude.”

I spent the night surrounded by people I’d known a lifetime ago. In reality it had only been a few years, but my life seemed unrecognizable. It didn’t take long before the girl I’d been came back and I found comfort in the blasting music and pushing crowds. Teigh and I danced wildly while Mitch and Crashing Canines played a five song set. Sidney had assured me he was fine to stand off to the side, that I should have fun, but I couldn't help glancing back at him every so often and feeling overwhelmed by guilt. During the last song of the Crashing Canines’ set, Teigh motioned to the crowed then to me, I nodded and quickly he and the guy beside us lifted me over their shoulders and hoisted me into the crowd. I felt the waves of the people beneath me, their hands cradling me like the ocean cradles our island. Hands firmly on my back, legs, bum, hands keeping me off the ground, passing me through the crowd towards the stage. I’d done it more times than I could recall, surfed along the hands of my peers. It had seemed so terrifying the first time, but now I felt a surge of adrenaline coursing through my carefree body. I got to the edge of the stage and felt them push me to my feet and hold on until I’d regained my balance. I stood beside Mitch watching the dancing crowd and waiting for him to notice me. Time moved differently in the brick walls of The Duke, reality seemed a world away, and social norms were thrown away. I scanned the room trying to find Sidney but was blinded by the stage lights. Finally Mitch saw me and wrapped his tattooed arm around my waist, pulling me closer.
“Beatrice Keller,” he said into the mic as the band continued to play. “The girl who got away!” he grinned and kissed my cheek. The sweat from his hair and body mixed with my own and I could feel the energy radiating from him. The crowed roared and my only reaction was to laugh and dive back into their arms, back into the chaos.

I found Sidney backstage with Travis, leaning against the wall and nursing a bottle of beer. His disguise seemed to work, and I couldn’t help but feel myself heating up at the sight of him.
“Looks like someone was earning her nickname,” Travis teased as I approached them, wiping the sweat off of my forehead.
“I’ve never been able to resist a good mosh pit,” I smirked and snaked my way under Sid’s free arm.
“Always the wild one,” he chuckled and took a swig of his own beer.
“You should show me more of this wild side,” Sidney whispered in my ear when Travis turned to greet Mitch who was coming towards us. His hand slipped from my shoulder down to my lower back. My stomach fluttered and I had to force myself not to jump him.
“Well look at you!” Mitch held his arms open for me and I moved away from Sidney, hugging him despite his shirt being drenched with sweat.
“Amazing set,” I grinned, returning to Sid’s side.
“Thank you, we’re heading out on tour next week actually,” Mitch shrugged casually and took a beer being offered to him.
“Look at you, Mr. Big Shot!” I teased. “Fancy pants.”
“Yeah, I’m looking forward to it,” he gave me a coy smile and I was reminded of our first night together. His boyish looks and shaking hands when I started taking my clothes off. Unlike Teigh, Mitch was quiet. His energy intense and strategically placed. He did everything with a purpose and his whole heart. He’d been the one I’d sought out after one too many bong hits when things started to feel too serious and my thoughts couldn’t be contained.
We stood in the hallway, talking as if no time had passed. Sidney’s hand resting under my skirt while the three boys drilled us with questions about our surreal life in Pittsburgh. My mind was whirling with old memories and new emotions. The temptation of Sidney’s hand distracting me from the conversation. After twenty minutes I couldn’t stand it anymore. Pretending to be suddenly exhausted I said goodbye to the guys and pulled Sidney towards the door, promising to call sooner rather than later.

“Do you want me to drive?” Sid asked as we approached the truck. He’d had maybe one beer.
“No,” I bit my lip deviously. “Get in the passenger’s side.”
I kicked off my boots before climbing into the truck and pulling my tights off frantically and tossing them, along with my sweater, into the back seat.
“What are you doing?” he looked at me alarmed, buckling his seatbelt.
“Shh,” I dove across the centre console and onto his lap, my lips attacking his and my body aching for him. The closer I got, the more I wanted him.
“Really?” he pulled way for a brief second. “In the car?”
I moaned and pawed at him desperately, my hands going straight to the button of his jeans and popping them open. He kissed me back in approval and moved his hands under my skirt, teasing me through the fabric of my already damp underwear. I was abuzz with adrenaline and lust, my head in a cloud of excitement. It happened quickly, his pants pulled down and my underwear ripped and discarded in the backseat. A frantic dance of overwhelming desire and want, we rocked together, bodies tightly intertwined and lips eagerly mashed against each other. Time and space didn’t seem to exist, it was just us. The surroundings faded away, the front seat of the car could have been a bed, or a boat, we could have been in a snow storm and I wouldn’t have noticed, my focus was 100% on him. I didn’t flinch as my head smacked against the ceiling and my foot fell asleep, wedged between his body and the door. It didn’t matter if we could be caught at any moment, but likely wouldn’t be, it only mattered that he was inside me and I was close, I was on the edge, I was there. Transported to a state of euphoria as my body twitched and convulsed on top of him. My heart pounding my my ears and my temperature spiking. In his arms, parked on a quiet Charlottetown street, I was more alive than I’d ever been.

Say goodbye to my family was far easier than it had been at Christmas. We’d only had three days together but with only a couple hours between Halifax and Cherry Valley, it wouldn’t be long before I was back. Lyla cried when Sidney handed her back to JJ and my mother made sure we had the lunch she’d packed us. We drove down the red dirt road, the house shrinking the the rear view mirror and I couldn’t help the grin that spread across my lips. Everything felt perfect. Everything felt manageable.

We were an few hours from Halifax when my phone rang, startling me out of a nap. I answered, groggy and covering my eyes with my arm to block out the bright sunlight. I managed to navigate my way through a conversation with the receptionist at the doctor’s office and arrange an appointment for the next day before falling back asleep. When I woke up I was on the bed, still dressed in my driving clothes, with Sidney beside me reading. Exhausted from the trip I slipped out of my pants, took my pills and snuggled beside him, quickly returning to the dreamland I’d been in.

“Miss. Keller? Did you hear me?” I sat across from the doctor staring at the wall behind him. His degrees were displayed in gold frames and a window looked out on the yard behind the facility. There was no way I’d heard him.
“Say it again,” I turned my attention to him, forcing myself to listen. I’d come in under the impression that he’d write me a prescription and send me on my way, home to Sidney.
“Beatrice, your test results came back positive. You’re pregnant.” He said the words so clearly but I struggled to understand him. A slight smile appeared on his dry lips, the rest of his face looked uneasy.
“One more time?” I took a deep breath and felt the world spinning around me. “Just say it one more time,” my voice shook and I dug my nails into my thighs. Maybe this time he would make sense.

“Beatrice, you’re pregnant.” This time I heard him, this time I understood it. But it still didn’t make sense.

Notes

It feels like I haven't written in so long. But now that finals are done I can finally focus on the important things in life.... like Beatrice.

Today (april 21) marks the one year anniversary of my first post! I worked hard to make sure I could post this today. It's been a crazy year, I am so incredibly thankful for all of you. I cannot believe the warm responses I have received over the past 12 months. Thank you so so much!!

xx-T