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Stay, Stay, Stay

Chapter Forty-Five

“For fuck sakes!” I groaned, the words coming out of my mouth before I could stop them. My eyes were having trouble focusing and I could hear the blood pumping through my body. The body that I was apparently sharing with an unannounced embryonic guest. The thought of it made my heart rate excel and mouth go dry. I struggled to get air into my lungs, my chest tight and breathing laboured, the room around me was hazy, surreal.


 “Fuck,” I wheezed, bending over as far as I could and putting my head between my knees. I couldn’t tell if I was going to puke or pass out. Cry or throw something. 


“Beatrice?” I heard the doctor’s voice but he sounded a world away. It was as if my named had travelled through water before it met my ears. “Miss. Keller, can I get you something?” he sounded so unreasonably calm and collected. 


“Bourbon,” I croaked, lifting my head slightly then letting it fall back between my knees. I heard him speaking into the phone in hushed tones then hang up quickly. Certain he’d just called social services I I tried to regain my composure, pulling my body up and trying to breathe. My attempts were useless and I felt the tears begin to brew, my throat tightening, my head swimming with anxiety. By the time the nurse placed a glass of water in front of me I was sobbing. I continued to wail as I took shaky sips from the glass, nearly dropping it twice. There were too many thoughts racing around my tired mind; memories of Serena and Sara, images of Sidney leaving, I was in no way mature enough for this. I pitied the embryo that aspired to become my fetus, of all the people in the world it was stuck inside me. Not a nice woman with a husband who whittled and wrote her poetry, who had been trying for years to make a baby. No, this zygote had begun its evolution in the uterus of someone with no husband, with a boyfriend who was never home, someone who felt like a child most of time and couldn’t be responsible enough to use a condom. I thought back to all the plants and fish who had fallen victim to my carelessness. Fish I’d overfed and plants I’d forgotten to water, how could I be sure I wouldn’t do the same to the tiny human who planned to join life?

 My Life. I felt my body shaking all over. Nothing in my life would ever be the same. Nothing about the future from that moment forward would even resemble the life I’d made for myself. I wanted to go back ten minutes and cherish my false sense of security, so blissfully unaware, I’d been thinking about the bottle of wine in my fridge as I drove to the appointment.


 “Beatrice, would you like to talk about your options?” he asked cautiously, obviously unsure of my religious and moral beliefs. 
 Options I told myself, I had options! For the briefest of moments I believed it. For a split second I thought maybe I didn’t need to change my life. Maybe I could pretend this had never happened, keep it from Sidney and go on with our lives. Sidney. His face appeared in my mind, burned into my memory, memorized by my heart. Maybe he’d be furious, maybe he’d leave, but our combined genetic material and nested inside my unfit uterus and there was no way I could just erase that.

“No,” I squeaked, trying to find my voice. I reached for a tissue and loudly blew my nose, deciding I was done crying whether my body agreed or not. “No,” I repeated. “I’m going to follow this through.”

Of all the commitments I had run from in the past twenty-some years, this was the biggest I’d ever faced. This wasn’t a six month lease agreement or an invite in December to be a the plus one for a wedding in June. No, this was was permanent, bigger than any relationship or contract, this was motherhood.


 I sat across from my doctor for nearly an hour before he felt comfortable releasing me into the world. I promised to book an appointment in the coming weeks, and left with a handful of pamphlets. I’d managed to convince him I wasn’t a threat to myself or future spawn and that my reaction was largely hormonal and mellow dramatic rather than a warning sign- basically that I wasn’t going to end up on the six o’clock news. I drove through Halifax in a state of shock, the bright afternoon sunlight was blocked out by my dark sunglasses and even if I knew the city well, I still wouldn’t have had any idea where to go. After texting Sidney to tell him I’d be late, I drove around aimlessly for fifty minutes before pulling into a park near the coast. Leaving the pamphlets in the truck I walked through the grassy field, ignoring the families on picnic blankets and the children at the park. I passed the smiling faces with a sense of urgency, venturing deeper into the park and farther away from reality. When their laughter had faded into the noise of cars on the highway, and my only view was the expansive ocean, I stopped. I stood watching the waves the way I used to watch daytime television- completely captivated for no reason.

Standing a few yards from the tide I tried to let my mind wander away, hoping to find some relief from my anxiety. Instead it stuck on a line I’d read years ago: “Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again.” The first line in the last note Virginia Woolf wrote her husband. One of the last things she wrote before filling her pockets with stones and drowning herself in a river. I was stuck on those words, frantically trying to remember the next line, when I was pulled out of my own thoughts by the obnoxious buzzing of my cellphone.

I answered without looking, desperate to find some distraction. A telemarketer’s call would be better than standing near the ocean trying to remember a suicide note.

“Salut, Beatrice,” Max’s happy-go-lucky voice sang through the phone and into my heart.

“Bonjour,” I replied, searching for the energy to display my enthusiasm “Ça va?”


 “Pas mal, et toi?” he asked, triggering a rush of emotions inside me. They weren’t romantic or sentimental, just raw and unorganized. My chest was tight again and I had to fight to get the words out of my mouth.

“I’m alright,” I prayed I sounded convincing. Just held together enough that he wouldn’t pry.


 “You sound different,” he replied and I wanted to give in to the tears that were starting to sting my eyes. I wanted to tell him everything, to find safety in him just as I had months ago.


 “Just tired,” I lied, resisting the temptation and wiping the potential tears away with the back of my free hand. “What’s up?” I needed to distract him before he noticed how shaky my words were, how unsure I was of every syllable I spoke.

“I just called Sid, I’m in Canada and was hoping to visit. He said to talk to you,” he chuckled and I could hear him scratching at his beard.

“Right on,” my voice cracked and I tried to cover it with a fake cough.

“I was thinking next week,” it sounded like a question more than anything. I tried to envision a weeks time, would my life be any different? Would I have everything figured out by then? Would I still be with Sidney?”

“Next week is good,” I told both of us, trying to convince myself more than anything.


 “Awesome.”

I stared out at the water again, Max still on the line, trying to push Virginia Woolf out of my mind. I knew I’d never fill my pockets, but the ideation was soothing. It was all so melancholy, to drown in the roaring waters. Terrifying, but haunting.

“Bea?” his voice pulled me further away from my own paralyzing thoughts. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I should have known I wasn’t convincing. Lying to anyone was hard for me, lying to Max was almost impossible.


 “Yeah,” I tried to sound happier, more alive. “But I’ve got to run, so call me when you’ve got everything sorted out?”

“Oui, bien,” he replied. “I’ll talk to you soon. And text me if you need anything, okay?” I felt guilty for not telling him, even worse for alerting his suspicion.

“Thanks,” I let the fake tones fade from my voice and hung up. 


Shoving the phone back in my pocket, I kept walking along the coast. The afternoon sun had started to set and I felt my text message alert go off twice as I shuffled through the grass. I considered checking them, but couldn’t trust myself not to tell the next person I spoke to. I was desperate to share the burden I had manifested, but knew the second I told anyone it became real. I headed back to the truck in a sort of limbo, my life had changed forever, but no one else’s had. I was holding the information that was about to knock Sidney’s world off its usual rotation. I had the power to decide when he found out, if he found out, how he found out.


 The sky was dark by the time I climbed into the driver’s seat and rest my head against the steering wheel. I was ping ponging between excitement and fear, I was telling myself to be excited, that logically this was a good thing. I was an adult, Sidney was an adult, we were in a committed relationship, we could handle a baby. But my irrational fear and insecurities told me otherwise, they battled against all logic and destroyed any positive thoughts I tried to create. The tears returning, spilling down my face while I tried desperately to breathe through it all. I needed to tell someone, to hear that I’d survive this. I just couldn’t tell Sidney, not yet, not like this. I scrolled through my contacts searching for an answer, I found it under K.



 “Little Bea?” she answered, my grandmother’s voice sounding the same as it always had.

“Big Bea,” I croaked, tears still coming.

“What is it?” she asked simply, without unnecessary pleasantries or hesitation.

“I’m having a baby,” I said for the first time. It was mixed with joy and shame, so much uncertainty that I needed her to help me sort through. 


“You are? Then why are you crying? I thought you were going to tell me something happened to Luna,” she laughed the way I wanted to, carefree giggles that she wasn’t trying to hold back.

“Because I have no idea what I’m going to do,” the tears hadn’t let up and I was choking to breathe again.

“What do you mean you have no idea what you’re going to do?” she sounded shocked.
“You’re going to have a baby. You’re going to have a beautiful baby with your fancy boyfriend. That sounds like a pretty good plan to me.”

“But I’m so scared. I had no intention of getting pregnant, not for years. Not after what happened to Serena,” I let my head fall back against the seat and closed my eyes.

“You should be scared,” she said with a chuckle. “Anyone who says having babies is easy is lying to themselves and everyone else. Between you and me I didn’t plan on getting pregnant ever. I was going to be a nurse, or fly airplanes. But then I met your grandfather and had your uncles and forgot all about airplanes by the time your daddy was born. Things work out the way they’re going to work out. For some people that’s travelling the world, for others that’s staying on the same island their whole lives. Now I don’t think what happened to Serena was some cruel act of fate, I think it was just sad, but I don't think you should let that keep you from doing things.” 


“You wanted to fly airplanes?” I said after a pause.

“You bet, Little Bear. I wanted to to fly fighter jets.”


“Wow,” the tears had slowed down and I was starting to feel in control again.

“Now, I don’t care if you get married or run off with that baby and join a circus. But you need to tell the young man who helped you with this, then you need to stop crying and get excited, because you’re giving my a grand-baby hat trick.”


 There was no use trying to fight the laughter that came with my grandmother’s strange use of hockey terms. “A grand- baby hat trick,” I smiled.


 “Good girl, now go kiss your man, because crying about a baby when you’re a well off adult is just plain silly. I love you, Beatrice.” 
 I heard the phone click and sat in the silence of the dark truck letting her words sink in. I was going to stop crying and get excited. I was going to kiss my man. But first I was going to drive home to him while listening to every sad Sarah McLachlan song on my ipod and singing as loud as I could.



 I walked in the door with a scratchy throat and a sense of clarity. The cold wind from the Atlantic had set in and the fireplace was already crackling.

“Aeb?” Sidney called from the sunroom, our backwards names had become a regular greeting. 


“Hi,” I called back to him as cheerily as I could, stuffing the pamphlets in my purse before stashing it in my pink room. I was going to tell him, but I wanted it to be the right time. I found him in on the couch in his usual position with a book in his lap. 


“You're home late,” he grinned and stood up to greet me. “Everything alright?” 


“Yup,” I nodded and slipped my arms around his torso, hugging him tightly and letting my head rest against his chest. “I just needed a day to explore.” 


“Did you eat?” he rubbed his palm in small circles on my lower back and nuzzled his face into my hair. 
 I shook my head and inhaled deeply, the smell of his soap and laundry filling me with a warmth. I shuddered to think that my news might push him away, that I could lose my sense of security, that I could lose him. The panic started to rise in me and I had to let go before I let myself get overwhelmed.


 “I think I’m going to take a bath, can we eat after?” I asked casually, dropping my arms and heading to the door.


 “No problem,” he said as I left him standing in the room alone.



 I might have forgotten my makeup and birth control, but I hadn’t forgotten to bring my stupidly expensive bubble bath. At least I had my priorities straight. I turned the hot water on high and added a quarter of the bottle to the two person bathtub in the master bathroom. Quickly, the decadent smell of rose petals and lily of the valley filled the room and I stripped my clothes off, leaving them in a pile by the door. With the lights dimmed and a candle lit, I slipped into the steaming water and hoped to escape myself- just for a moment or two, just until I could feel normal again. The bubbles covered my naked body and I let my hands rest against my stomach. Despite the debacle with my shorts a few days prior, it didn’t look different, I didn’t feel different. Not pregnant different at least, maybe a little rounder, but definitely not what I expected five, maybe six weeks pregnant to look and feel like.

When I’d thought about pregnancy in the past, I’d always imagined I’d know right away. Like some magical maternal instinct would kick in and I’d suddenly be overwhelmed with warm feelings of affection. Everything would fall into place and I’d know exactly what to do. I thought I’d be the glowing woman with long hair and hemp dresses, growing organic food and talking about the gift of pregnancy. But so far I wasn’t off to a good start, I’d sworn, asked my doctor for hard liquor, recalled a famous suicide note, and cried multiple times. As it stood, I was not mummy material. I sank deeper into the tub and my thoughts, making mental to do lists and silently chastising myself for still being so immature. Immature enough that I was slightly bitter that the bottle of wine in my fridge would be consumed by someone else, that my bath was not complimented by irish creme, and I would not be permitted to ride any roller coasters. Despite the fact that I didn’t actually like roller coasters, it was these thoughts that filled the space between the titles of books I told myself I’d need to read and the habits I hoped to form. I let myself slip under the surface of the water and decided in certainty that drowning would suck. Bubbles of air rose to the surface from my mouth and nose while I stayed in the warm womb-like water, my eyes squeezed shut and the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears. It was a nice existence, until I ran out of air in my lungs. However useless I thought I might be as a mother, if my womb was anything like the bathtub, I was jealous of my barely formed future baby. For the next nine or so months it got to develop in there while I tried to figure everything out. When I realized that being jealous of a fetus was right up there with being annoyed about the future roller coasters I’d be missing I shook the thoughts from my mind and tried to focus on important things. Things like how I’d tell Sidney, where I’d buy maternity clothes, and what circus I’d join if he rejected us both. I was considering a future as a Cirque de Soleil clown when he peaked his head in the door.

“Can I come in?” he smiled innocently.

I nodded and sat up straighter with my back resting against the edge of the tub. I’d have to put my planning session on hold, there were more important things to worry about. His smile broadened to a grin and he closed the door behind him before pulling off his shirt and shuffling out of his shorts and boxers. I looked up at him alarmed, I hadn’t excepted him coming in to mean literally coming in the water with me. Seeing him standing there completely unclothed, I couldn’t object and moved forward, giving him space to get in behind me. The water sloshed and rose as he slipped in and positioned me between his legs, pulling my back against his abdomen.

“I missed you today,” he said in hushed tones, tucking a piece of wet hair behind my ear as I lay with my head on his shoulder.

“What did you do?” I asked, intertwining my fingers with his under the water and resting our hands on my thighs. I wasn’t ready to have him touch my stomach, not until he knew.

“Just read, went to see my parents for a bit. Taylor comes home in a few weeks,” he replied. His body cradled mine under the bubbly water and the same feeling of safety and affection welled inside me.

“That’s exciting,” I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy the moments we had.

“Yeah, it’ll be nice to see her again. My mom wanted me to tell you that she can come stay with us after the first part of the dental work if you want some company. I told her how bored you were last time, I thought maybe you two could get to know each other better.” Keeping our fingers intertwined, he moved our arms up and wrapped them around me, holding me closer to him and kissing my temple.

“That might be nice,” I murmured, aware of the chance that I might not be around after his surgery, depending on his reaction.

“I like that you two get along,” he chuckled and squeezed a little tighter.

“I like her, I like your whole family actually.”

“They like you too, a lot.” His words brought a great deal of comfort to me. If his family liked me, the chances of us staying together might be better, maybe. “I like you too actually,” he added lightheartedly.

“Gee, thanks,” I laughed and snuggled my head in closer to him. It was always nice to hear that the naked man in your bathtub actually liked you.

“No problem,” he laughed and I felt the vibrations against my back.

“But in all seriousness, I love you, and I hope you know that.”

“I love you too,” I sighed. Would he love me that much when he found out? Or would he realize he loved the idea of me more than he loved me?

“Good,” he paused and I felt him take a deep breath and shift his position slightly.

“Because…uh…” he took another breath and squeezed me tighter again. He was nervous, I could feel his anxious energy which made me anxious. Convinced he was about to tell me he knew about the pregnancy and that he was leaving me I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could and tried to count to one-hundred to will away the tears.

“I was wondering… if you wanted to marry me?” the words left his mouth in a fast jumble, his voice cracking at marry.

For second time that day I was speechless. My mind unable to process the words my ears had heard, I turned to face him. He stared back at me with a nervous smirk and flushed cheeks, beads of sweat forming along hairline. 


“What?” I finally croaked, my throat tight and mind completely still.

“I was going to do the whole one knee thing with a huge crowd and huge ring, I was going to wait until my sister got home and make it a big family thing but I’ve been waiting to ask you for months and I can’t wait anymore.” He was talking faster than I’d ever heard him speak before, his hand gripping mine tightly and eyes shifting back and forth trying to read my blank expression. “I can still do that if you want, but I figured this might be better. I know you’re not really into cliche romantic things and I like that about you. I like a lot of things about you. Like your face, and the way your hair smells, and your frankly disturbing sense of humour. I even kind of like your creepy ass cat.”

I wanted to say yes, I wanted to scream it so loud the neighbour heard, but my mouth would form words and I couldn’t make real sounds. So I stared at him, wide eyed and amazed, heart bursting with love until I realized my news might change it. Could he take back a proposal? Were you allowed to do that? 


“Jezus Christ, Beatrice! Will you say something please?” his hands were shaking against mine and the tips of his ears had gone red.

“Do you…” my voice got stuck in my throat and I took a deep breath and cleared it. “Do you mean married married? Like publicly? In a church?” It was the only thing I could think to say. My mind was telling me to say yes, but I was hesitant, nervous he’d take it back right away.

“Or city hall, or someone’s living room. But married married. Real life, legal contracts, public handholding- married.” He gave me a hopeful smile and I didn’t know if I was going to cry or laugh. Married married. Real life, happily ever after, married.

“I need to tell you something,” I finally said after a long pause. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I didn’t want to see the look on his face if this upset him, instead I looked down at the dissipating bubbles. It dawned on me briefly that I could say yes and tell him in a few months, after we’d gotten so far into engagement that he couldn’t back out. But I couldn’t do that to him, I couldn’t trick him into loving me. I took a shaky breath, the room around me so still that I could hear the tiny bubbles popping and the candles flickering.

“I’m pregnant,” I let the words out like champaign in a shaken bottle, exploding all over our world and covering us in tangy sweetness. “I’m pregnant with a baby…” I added for clarification. “Your baby.”

When I finally looked up he was watching me, his skin pale and his eyes wider than ever before.

“Well I’m glad we’re pregnant with a baby and not a puppy or a turtle,” I watched the smile break across his face and his eyes crinkle until they were almost gone. My heart was pounding in my chest and I couldn’t feel my finger tips or my teeth. There was a swirling sensation inside me, a tornado of emotions, relief and disbelief, excitement and confusion, all spinning inside my stomach.

“You’re not angry?” I asked hesitantly, studying the lines around his eyes and the whites of his remaining teeth. “You’re not leaving me?”

“Leaving you?” he scoffed in outrage. “You thought I'd leave you?” beneath the smile I could see the hurt in his eyes. His eyebrows scrunched and the wrinkles on his forehead told me he wasn’t about to take his proposal back.

“I thought a lot of things today,” I shrugged, feeling the blush rise in my cheeks. In retrospect it was a little irrational, he deserved more credit.

“So just to clarify, you’re pregnant with a human child, my human child, and you will marry me?” he asked clearly, looking directly at me with a smile still plastered on his face.

“Oh right,” I sat up straighter and felt the weight lifted off of my chest, the overwhelming sense of relief relaxing all of my clenched muscles. “Yes,” I giggled. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” I was grinning wider than I thought possible. “Yes I’ll marry you, yes I’m pregnant, yes I’m glad you didn’t did do anything flashy, yes I love you and your family and your face and the fact that you like my cat!” I prattled on and pushed myself into his arms, squeezing him tightly and kissing my way from his jaw to his lips. “Yes,” I added once more before losing myself in him, our bodies damp with soapy water and my fingers tangled in his hair. He held me so tightly I thought we might stay that way forever, his lips on mine were all the confirmation I’d needed, we didn’t need to hear our options, there was only one path I wanted to take with him.

“Wait, he pulled away slightly and I opened my eyes to look into his.

“We’re having a baby?” he looked briefly panicked then the smile returned. “We’re actually having a baby? We made it and it’s in you and it’s coming and we’re going to be parents to it and it’s going to exist?”

I nodded excitedly and couldn’t contain my smile. His reaction was better than I could have dreamed, he wasn’t going anywhere and neither was I.

“I’m going to be someone’s father? This is insane!” he laughed, an over the top roar that shook his chest and made his eyes tear up.

“I know!” I broke out into my own set of giggles. “I’m going to be someone’s mother,” the words set us both off. Tears streaming down our faces as bodies jiggled against each other, a chorus of delighted hysterics filling the bathroom. We sat in the tub, now just lukewarm and cloudy, in a state of astonishment and delirium, we’d just made two of the most important decisions of our lives… in a bathtub.


Notes

Oh man I hope you guys like this. I have been so nervous about this turn of events for so long. I've literally had it all planned out since Christmas! I can't believe it's actually happening now, it's kind of surreal.

I'm not lying when I say I cried three times while writing and rereading this. I'll probably cry even more when I reread it again. I'm not pregnant, just a secret sap.

P.S- is it easier for you guys to read when I double space the paragraphs? let me know!

xx-T


Comments

This was so good!!! I was in tears at the end when thinking about Sid retiring haha

Court31 Court31
2/17/21

Beautiful story.

Aleja21 Aleja21
10/29/18

This story was great and very relatable because of the beliefs that Bea and I share. You really captured the struggle of being in a relationship and making a marriage work. Keep up the good work and don't stop writing. :)

RoxPensChick RoxPensChick
9/17/17

@melindaone
I'm so glad you enjoyed it!!! Thanks for sticking through and reading :D :D



TheoAirplane TheoAirplane
9/11/17

Well, that was sooo good. I loved their story. I still do. Their love, strenght, humor..this all made me fall in love. So thank you for a chance to be a part of K.C. family.

melindaone melindaone
9/8/17