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Stay, Stay, Stay

Chapter Forty-Eight

There was just enough time between my family leaving and Max arriving for me to change the bedsheets and get a good night's sleep. After the big announcement we spent the rest of their visit in the back yard or by the lake enjoy the summer sun. My mother tried to help me sort out wedding ideas while Sidney spend countless hours trying to teach Lyla how to use a tiny hockey stick he'd found at the hardware store. Watching his animated expressions as Lyla whacked at a plastic whiffle ball reminded me how lucky I was to have him. While I didn't want to give too much credit for for doing the 'right' thing, I knew I was fortunate to have someone like him in my life, someone who cared as much as he did.

When Max arrived I was laying in the sunroom with my head in Sidney's lap, reading the Ina May Gaskin book I'd bought, aloud. Sid was trying to listen, but I could sense his attention was wandering off every few minutes. He jumped up excitedly when we heard the long awaited knock on the door, causing my head to slum hard onto the couch.

"Sorry," he turned back to see that I was okay, then sped off in the direction of the front door like school boy greeting his highly anticipated play date. As per usual, I was nervous. The same twisting anxiousness I usually got when waiting, only this time it was five times stronger. I wasn't so much nervous to see Max, as I was to see him with Sidney. I hadn't seen them together since before the night I tried to bury my heartbreak in the warmth of his heavy body.

I pulled myself off of the couch, once again ready for a nap, and slowly made my way to join them. I took my time, giving them a minute alone, and carefully hid my ring at the bottom of the fruit bowl. It didn't seem right to tell Max everything before I'd told Serena. I made a promise to myself that I’d talk to her as soon as possible then made my appearance in the foyer.

“Beatrice!” Max grinned when he saw me, turning from Sidney and walking to me with his arms open. He pulled me into his embrace and held me tightly for a few seconds. I could smell his cologne and feel his whiskers scratch against my cheek. Memories of our intimate encounter flooded back to me and felt my face heating up. I pushed him away gently and laughed, I couldn’t handle his touch anymore.

“How was your flight?” I asked and moved closer to Sidney who slipped his hand around my waist.

“Good,” he smiled and I moved to show him his room. “The place looks great.” Max said as he dropped his bag on the floor the guest room and remerged into the living room where Sidney and I were already on the couch.

We sat together in the living room and talked for a few minutes, mostly discussing the playoffs and plans for the off season. When Max began talking about a girl he’d met in Quebec I took it as my cue to give them some time alone. I wasn’t jealous per say, but the idea of Max with another woman make my skin crawl. I knew that I had never loved Max, and we wouldn’t have ever been more than friends with benefits, but that didn’t stop me from feeling a pang of hurt when he described her as the most wonderful woman he’d ever met. Sure I was happy with Sidney, but in a strange and selfish way I was hoping Max would have pined for me just a little. My own ego had wanted him to like me, more than I’d liked him. I left the room with the excuse that I had to call Andy and returned to my spot in the sunroom. My computer lay on the coffee table in front of me and I knew what I needed to do.

I settled comfortably with the computer on my lap and logged into Skype. It was nearly midnight in Magnitogorsk and I half hoped that Serena would already be asleep. I’d been avoiding her since I’d found out about the pregnancy and the reality that I could tell her within minutes had me terrified. I wanted to run to Sidney, have him find the words for me, or find another reason for me to avoid her. But I knew that there was nothing Sidney could do to help me through this. This was my news to share with my best friend.

Within seconds of logging in she’d messaged me, sending me a video chat invite which I accepted after taking a few deep breaths.

“Hi,” she smiled weakly when the call was completed. She was sitting at a table, the lighting was too dark for me to see her surroundings, but I could see the shadows cast on from the angles of her thin face and the circles under her eyes.

“How are you?” I asked. Unlike most conversations I had with people, I actually wanted to know how she was doing. Perhaps I was looking for an excuse not to tell her, It wouldn’t be fair of me to share my news if she was having a bad day.

“I’m okay,” she lied. I could tell by the way her eyes moved from the screen to her keyboard and her shoulders hunched forward. But for some reason I didn’t call her out on it.

“How’s Geno?” I asked instead. I wasn’t going to pry and find a reason not to tell her. I wasn’t going to let myself avoid her for another week.

“He’s alright,” she sounded exasperated, like Geno was the last thing she wanted to talk about. “How’s Canada?”

“It’s good, warm now. We’ve spent some time at the lake and in the backyard. Went to the island for a weekend. Saw the boys. Max is here now,” I prattled on, wasting time while I found the right moment.

“Max is at your house, with Sid, and you?” she looked at me surprised, her forehead wrinkled.

“Yeah, we’ll see how that goes,” I chuckled.

“I’m sure it will be fine, you guys are pretty well adjusted,” she tried to smile again but it looked like it was taking more energy than she had and the corners of her mouth drooped back to her resting face.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I figured I wasn’t prying so much as assuring her that I was there to listen if she needed me to, and if she talked about her state of mind it might improve her mood and make the news easier on her, I was just making things up to comfort myself.

“No,” she shook her head slowly and I could sense her throat was tightening. “I don’t think I’m okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. It doesn’t feel real anymore. I mean nothing feels real, but this feels forced. This thing with Geno. It’s like we’re trying to prove something to everyone Like hey, we know a lot of people break up after shitty experiences but we’re stronger than that. But here’s the thing Bean, I don’t think we are. I don’t think we’re any better than those people because at least those people were honest with each other. We’re just playing this fucking game. I mean I’ve never loved anyone like I love him, but it’s not enough to make me want to stay. This is going to make me sound like a horrible person, but the idea of spending every day with him makes me want to rip my hair out. It’s little things, it’s the expectation that I should love him, because he’s so fucking amazing. He could be a garbage man and he’d still be a fucking superstar.”

I watched her on my screen, I was completely speechless and frozen in time. I’d been expecting her to tell me she was still heartbroken and lost, that she didn’t understand Russia and maybe that things were still tense with Geno. But I’d never expected that. I could feel the raw emotions in her words and as the tears dripped down her gaunt cheeks my own eyes started to involuntarily water. I tried to swallow my sobs but seeing her on the other side of the world, wrapped in an old sweater with the light completely extinguished from her eyes. She was a shell of my person and there was nothing I could do. The feeling of helplessness rushed to me once again and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fight the tears that soaked my face.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked. “I just want to call you some day and tell you I’m okay. Why can’t I just pretend it never happened? I’m still waiting to wake up and feel alive again but every fucking day it gets foggier. He deserves so much better than what I’m giving him but I can’t fix it.”

I tried to find words but I couldn’t. I didn’t know the right thing to say and all I could think about was how selfish I was for being okay. I watched her wipe her eyes on her long sleeve and I struggled to catch my breath.

“Everyone says it gets better with time, but it’s not. And I can’t tell him any of this because he’s just trying to keep everyone happy. His family calls me грустная девушка, which I think means sad girl. They’ve stopped trying to talk to me, and I don’t blame them. I know that as miserable as he’s making me, I’m making him just as unhappy.” Her tears had slowed down and she was staring off into space.

“So come home then,” I wiped at my eyes and reached for a kleenex. “Spend the summer with me eating ice cream and pie.”

“I can’t,” she shook her head and sniffled. “I have to try for just a little longer. I can’t leave him yet. Because if it’s worse without him I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“Whatever you decide to do, I’ll be here.” I blew my nose into the kleenex and smiled at her. It was a sad but hopeful smile, the kind that tells the other person you’re as lost as they are but you’d be alright being lost together.

“Thanks,” she gave me the same smile and ran her hands through her hair. We sat without saying anything for a few moments before she tried to smile again and sighed. “I know you have something you want to tell me.”

“What?” I croaked. This wasn’t the right time, I wasn’t ready, she wasn’t ready. “What makes you say that?”

“I know you,” she let out a weak chuckle. “You have that edge of your seat, anxious look on your face.”

“It’s fine,” I tried to wave her off.

“Tell me Bea, please. Anything to take my mind off of Geno,” she rest her head in her hands, cupping her chin and waiting for me to reply.

“No, really. We can talk about it later,” I shook my head, panicking. “Have you learned anymore Russian?”

“Bea,” she stared into the camera. “Stop trying to change the subject and talk to me.”

There was really no use trying to avoid it any longer. Serena was relentless. I couldn’t get away with anything when it came to her and I knew it. “Please don’t be angry,” I began.

“I won’t, I promise,” she held up her pinky to me.

“Okay, well,” I took a deep breath. “Last week Sidney and I were taking a bath…”

“Is this going to be erotic?” she interrupted, and for a split second I could see my best friend again.

“Mildly,” I gave her a sly smile and continued. “We were in the bathtub, and he… he asked me to marry him,” I bit my lip waiting for her reaction before I went on.

“Oh Bea,” she smiled again, this time effortlessly. “That’s incredibly.” I noticed her eyes welling again but I could tell that these weren’t painful tears.

“Yeah,” I nodded, trying to psych myself up for the next part. “It is pretty amazing. But the funny thing about it, is that a few hours before that I got some interesting news. I went to get my birth control fixed and, well they uh…” I stopped. I needed to take a second before it all came flying out of my mouth. Serena’s eyes were fixed on me, her eyebrows crinkled together with worry. “They told me I’m pregnant.” I finally let the words spill from my hesitant tongue and I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at her as the new sunk in. There was a long pause before either of us spoke.

“Wow,” she finally said quietly. “Really?”

“Yeah,” I let my teeth dig into my bottom lip to keep myself stabilized. “We didn’t plan this, and I wanted to tell you sooner, but I just couldn’t stand the idea that it might make things worse. I’m so sorry…”

“Bea, stop,” she interrupted me again. “Don’t apologize for living your life,” she pulled her hands through her hair again and closed her eyes. “Don’t you dare apologize for being happy.”

“It’s just the timing,” I began.

“I know,” she nodded slowly and let out a struggled sigh. “But I’m so happy for you.” The tears were back and dripping down her face. This time I couldn’t tell if they were good tears or not.

“I’m not far along, but I want you to be as involved as you want to be. No pressure.”

“Okay,” she said, covering part of her face with her sleeve covered hand. “I want to be there, I’m so happy for you, I just need time.” Her words were choked and laced with sorrow.

“I get it,” I replied softly. “Tell me when.”

“I’m going to go, but I’ll talk to you in a few days,” she assured me and as quickly as she’d come onto my screen, she was gone.

I sat on the couch for a few minutes before closing my computer and walking back into the main part of the house. I was still struggling to keep my composure and all I wanted to do was press myself against Sidney’s body and let go. I found them where I’d left them in the living room and immediately squeezed between them on the couch. Despite my chair still being empty, I wanted to feel their warmth.

“Woah baby,” Sidney laughed when I sunk into the space and fell against him.

“What’s this all about?” Max teased, giving me a suggestive look.

“I told her,” I said, breaking the dam I’d been trying to hold back and opening the floodgates. Heavy sobs left my body and I could hardly recognize the sounds I was making.

“Told who what?” Sidney wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tightly against him.

“I… told… Serena,” I managed to say between gasps and sobs.

“Bea, what’s going on?” Max asked confused taking my hand in his. I adjusted myself in Sidney’s arms so I could see him.

“We’re getting married,” I tried to smile. “We’re getting married and I’m pregnant. My best friend just lost her baby and is losing her boyfriend and I have all of this while she’s alone in Russia.” I was laughing and crying all at once. Laughing because I couldn’t believe how ridiculous it sounded, and crying because the pain I felt seeing her was so overwhelming I couldn’t think straight.

“Congratulations!” Max grinned and squeezed my hand. “I am so happy for you, mon chou.” He leaned forward and kissed my cheek gently. “And you,” he looked at Sid. “Way to go buddy! You hit the jackpot here, and we won’t let you forget it.”

I spent most of the evening nestled between them. To an outside it would have looked five different kinds of weird, but for me, I was surrounded by the warmth of two people I’d come to rely on. After a week of emotions and anxiety, I finally felt a sense of ease in the arms of my fiancé, and one night stand turned confidant.

Notes

I know it's short but I was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check at the end there.

xx- T

Comments

This was so good!!! I was in tears at the end when thinking about Sid retiring haha

Court31 Court31
2/17/21

Beautiful story.

Aleja21 Aleja21
10/29/18

This story was great and very relatable because of the beliefs that Bea and I share. You really captured the struggle of being in a relationship and making a marriage work. Keep up the good work and don't stop writing. :)

RoxPensChick RoxPensChick
9/17/17

@melindaone
I'm so glad you enjoyed it!!! Thanks for sticking through and reading :D :D



TheoAirplane TheoAirplane
9/11/17

Well, that was sooo good. I loved their story. I still do. Their love, strenght, humor..this all made me fall in love. So thank you for a chance to be a part of K.C. family.

melindaone melindaone
9/8/17