Before I met Sidney I had this magical idea that he, being a wealthy and incredibly busy man, had an army of staff to do all of life’s tedious tasks for him. I’d naively assumed that things like grocery shopping, laundry, and changing the sheets were automatically taken care of. It wasn’t soon into our relationship that I realized how horribly wrong I’d been. Yes, Sid had a lady come in weekly to clean the house and a lawn service to take care of landscaping in the sunnier months, but other than that, we were on our own.

The day before Max left, he and Sid sat in the living room day drinking and talking nonsense, while I stood in the laundry room folding a load of whites, because even the future wife of an NHL star has to wash her underwear. They were both nearing drunk and I’d escaped down the hall before my envy turned into bitterness, it wasn’t that I was some kind of lush who couldn’t stand the idea of not drinking, I just liked having the option to be some kind of lush who couldn’t stand the idea of not drinking. Despite being halfway across the house, I could hear their loud voices and jumbled words clearly. I was folding one of Sid’s t-shirts when I noticed the conversation begin to shift from light hearted to somewhat emotional.

“You’re fuckin’ awesome, you know that?” Max slurred and I imagined them sitting with their arms around each other in the opening credits of a summer bromance comedy.

“Nah, man, you’re awesome,” Sid giggled.

“I’m serious,” Max said sternly. “I mean I fucked your wife and we’re sitting here like this.”

“She wasn’t my wife,” Sid said quickly. “We weren’t together.”

“Still.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I’m sorry about that, I really am,” Max said and despite having finished with the folding, I decided to stay out of sight. “I mean I’m not sorry because she’s amazing, but I’m sorry because that was low, even for me.”

“Hey man, I told you, it’s okay. I try not to think about it. I chalk it up to another one of her regrettable ideas. Like the time she tried to melt soap in a microwave so she could mould it into little shapes,” Sid chuckled. I rolled my eyes remembering the burns on my finger tips. Someone on the internet had done it quite successfully!

“Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but I could have loved her. Man, I could have fallen for her, and I was jealous as hell when she told me you were back together. Anyone else and I might have fought a little harder for her.” I suddenly felt like I was intruding on a very personal and private conversation, my face dropped and I tried to turn my attention to emptying the lint screen. I had no right to hear why Max was saying and frankly I didn’t want to know.

“Yeah,” Sid said a little quieter. “She’s a good girl.”

I carefully picked pieces of lint off of the edge of the dryer screen and willed myself to forget what I’d heard. I didn’t want to start thinking about a life I could have had with Max. Not when Sidney was so sweetly sitting in the living room listening to it all. I knew the truth was that I didn’t want to be with anyone but Sidney, and I’d known that from the start, but that didn’t stop my mind from drifting of curiously.

Pulling myself out of my mind I slammed the screen back into the dryer and balanced the basket on my hip. By the time I got to the living room the energy had shifted back to jovial and as if nothing had happened they were laughing again about something I’d missed.
“So who’s hungry?” I asked with an over exaggerated grin and dropped the basked on the floor. If they could forget the conversation then so could I.

“Dis? Sweetie, can I get you anything?” I asked my groggy fiancé as he lay in bed with one arm draped over his eyes and his mouth slightly swollen and numb.

“You,” he growled quietly, beckoning to me with his free arm. I crawled onto the bed beside him, careful not to move it too much. He opened one eye to see where I was, then motioned for me to come closer. Hesitantly I shuffled so I was on my side facing him, close enough that he could wrap his arm around me. I felt his hand move under my shirt and rest against the bare skin of my already rounding stomach. He let out a light sigh and moved his thumb over my skin in figure-eights.

“Y’know, I’d kind of gotten used to you without teeth,” I teased, laying my head on his virtually smooth chest and letting my hand rest above the band of his boxers.

He scowled at me, moving his arm for only a second then letting it fall back on his forehead. The new, and unexpected, family member I was growing had put a wrench in our tightly planned schedule and as June came to a close Sidney had only just finished the first part of his dental implants the day before, but was still a little numb. According to him he’d postponed the appointment because he was worried about me, but I knew he was just nervous about the surgery itself.

After our short visit with Max, I realized how quickly the summer was already going by, and panicked, I’d made Sidney sit dow with me and explain his schedule in detail for me. He’d wiped his time in Toronto off of the table and already started training in town. I had to appreciate how willingly he’d agreed to change everything just to make my life easier. In red he’d marked off the week he was in Alberta for the olympic camp and in blue was the weekend he had to shoot the new Reebok campaign in New York, both with a “B?” written in the corner by him and a “maybe” written beside it by me. The schedule was immaculate, colour coded and neatly filled in with details and notes, but it missed one thing. On three dates Sid had drawn little bells with question marks beside them- August 10th, August 17th, and August 31st. They were the three days we were discussing for the wedding. We were both fine with any day, but finding someone with a legal privilege to preside over the wedding was another story. Our parents had all hoped we’d go the traditional rout and do a full Catholic mass, but I wasn’t about to explain to a priest why I couldn’t be drinking any communion wine.

“How’s that residual Novocain?” I asked stroking my fingers gently up and down his stomach and around his belly button.

“Mmmmm,” he groaned and gave me a thumbs up. Something about him laying in just his boxers with a helpless look on his face made me want him more than I should.

“Any pain at all?” I moved my hand a little lower, flicking the elastic band that stood between me and what I’d become to consider the promise land.

“Just my head,” he replied without moving his arm and I flicked the band again.

“So you have a headache? And I should keep my hands to myself?” I whispered with my breath hot against his ear.

“I didn’t say that,” he smirked and moved to look at me with one eye. One big brown eye inviting and tempting me all at once.

“Oh good,” I kissed his neck and let my hand dip under the elastic band and fabric of his boxers.

We lay in a pile of twisted sheets and limbs, a cross breeze coming from the window and tickling over my bare, flushed skin. The sun was setting and Sidney’s head lay on my chest while his hands moved lazily over my stomach. It was blissful, laying skin to skin with him, the warm air coming from the window, and the smell of fresh grass and sun filling the room.

“It’s pretty amazing,” he murmured and looked up at me.

“That you can get me off three times? I agree,” I smirked.

“No,” he chuckled and shook his head, “Although that’s pretty impressive. I meant it’s pretty amazing that you’ve got a little person in there. Just hanging out, growing, stealing your food, just a little cluster of us.”

“A little cluster of us,” I smiled and traced his hair line lightly with the tip of my index finger.

“When do we get to see it?” his eyes were closed and I admired the length of his lashes and the even tan that had spread across his nose and cheeks.

“I’m not sure,” I sighed. I’d been thinking about that a lot lately. I’d always planned on having the most natural pregnancy possible. I’d read more than enough articles claiming ultrasounds changed cell formations, I firmly believed in the less is more way of life. But after being beside Serena through the complications of her pregnancy, I was terrified. I’d estimated I was a little over two months in and was already waking up in the dead of night in a panicked sweat, willing the creature inside me to make some kind of movement, just something to tell me he or she was still alive.

“Hey,” he looked up at me, propping himself up on his elbow. “What’s wrong?” his brow was crinkled and concerned and I couldn’t believe how in tune he was to my energy.

“Nothing,” I smiled and shook my head, pushing his hair back from his forehead. “We’ve just got a lot going on.” I wasn’t ready to tell him how anxious I was because despite his calm exterior I knew it would just make him worry as much as I was.

“We can do it,” he snuggled his head back into my chest. “We can start right now. Tell me what you want, like colours or whatever.”

“Colours?” I chuckled. “I have no idea. I haven’t thought of thematic colours.”

“No colour schemes? Maybe a theme? Like Hawaiian luau or old Hollywood glamour.”

“No! Please, no!” I giggled. “We’re getting married, not competing on a TLC show.”

“So no pig roast?” he moved his hand over my stomach.

“Let’s save that for the first anniversary.”

“Deal,” he smiled up at me. “But seriously, what do you want? A big hall? Outdoor? The wedding world is kind of your oyster right now.”

“No big halls,” I replied instantly. “No big crowds of people to gawk at us. No media, no business people, no one we wouldn’t invite to dinner. And no cliche things like seating charts or fake flowers. I don’t do fake flowers.” Apparently I had more an opinion on it than I knew.

“Okay,” he chuckled and kissed my chest. “Nothing over the top, I know. I do want to get married in Canada though.”

“Of course,” I agreed.

“And, I’ve been meaning to ask, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but are you inviting Millie?” he looked a me hesitantly.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” I shook my head. “I would like to invite Travis and the guys though, if you don’t mind.”

“That’s totally fine,” he smiled. “I like them, I just know that Millie upset you last time…” he began.

“No, I totally understand. We’ll sit down and make a guest list later.” I assured him. “We still need to find a place for it though, most places need to be rented a year in advanced don’t they?”

“Probably,” he shrugged. “We could hire someone to figure it out if you want.”

“But then it becomes a thing,” I sighed.

“A thing?” he questioned.

“Yeah, a thing. Like as soon as we start hiring people to do things it becomes a big event. And when it becomes a big event we have to worry about media and people and all sorts of things that are way too complicated to make it enjoyable. I don’t know about you but I’d rather be partying than dealing with wedding crashers and keeping the peace.” I said with a slight smile.

“Unless we get Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn crashing, I have to agree with you there. Which rules out any hotel or big hall or really any place with people around at all.” He sat up beside me with his back against the headboard and laced his fingers between mine.

“Right,” I nodded. “So that leaves some abandoned building, here, the middle of the ocean, or my parents’ house.”

“Deep sea nuptials? I thought you said we weren’t doing the whole TLC extravagant rout?” he cocked his head to the side and smirked at me.

“Yeah, the middle of the ocean might be too tempting for me to accidentally push you overboard and take all your money,” I winked and bumped my shoulder into his.

“That and you would probably puke all over your pretty dress as soon as we hit a wave,” he bumped me back.

“If we do it here the whole town will find out,” I continued, ignoring his jab at my motion sickness.

“I’m fine with doing it over on Keller Lane,” he said excitedly and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

“And we wouldn’t have to decorate because the ocean is across from the orchard and you really can’t compete with the ocean.” I pointed out, making a mental note to call my mother and inform her I’d be using her house for a weekend, I’d make sure she was compensated with love.

“Easiest wedding ever. Now we just need to find someone with the power to actually marry us,” he was grinning excitedly like he’d just finished the world’s hardest jigsaw puzzle and was about to show his work off.

“We’ll figure it out,” I rest my head on his shoulder and let my eyes close.

I sat across from my mother and Helen at the kitchen table with a stack of wedding magazines and my laptop open to an internet full of inspiration. Upon hearing that I planned to get married in her backyard Shirley Keller put her foot down and demanded I come home for more than a weekend. With Sidney almost fully recovered I had no reason to say no and crossed the Confederation Bridge with a suitcase and butterflies in my stomach. Sidney and I hadn’t spent a night apart in months and I wasn’t looking forward to the separation.

“What about roses?” My mother asked flipping through a magazine and twisting the end of her ponytail.

“This is a wedding, not a prom,” I remarked and scrolled through a stranger’s dream wedding board on Pinterest. “Something a little less… strategic, y’know?”

“Sunflowers?” Helen asked, Felix asleep in the sling wrapped around her.

“Yeah, maybe some wild things too,” I kept scrolling.

“So basically just whatever we have growing around us?” My mother looked up from her magazine and pushed her reading glasses up the bridge of her nose.

“Pretty much,” I shrugged.

“That’s easy,” she laughed winked at me.

“Oooh, look at this!” Helen held up her magazine for us to see. “You can get your faces on M&Ms!”

“That might just be the one thing Sidney hasn’t had his face on,” I snorted and shook my head.

“That really takes eating each other to a whole new level,” my mother added with a completely straight face and returned to her own magazine. I shot Helen a look of sheer disgust and decided to start googling people who could preform the ceremony.

“Do you have to be protestant to be married by a Minister?” I asked scrolling through the names of hundreds of religious figures on the Island.

“Yes dear,” Mum said flatly.

I sighed and closed the computer lid, leaning back in my chair and closing my eyes. “Hey, Simon,” I called into the living room. Seconds later my brother appeared looking bored.

“Need my opinion on centre pieces?” He asked excitedly.

“No, but do you feel like getting one of those online marriage officiant licence things?” I looked up at him hopefully.

“Why me?” he stared back at me in horror.

“Because you look the most… priestly?” I was hardly convincing. I didn’t even believe myself so it was more than a surprise when he nodded and grabbed the computer from me to look up the process.

“Holy shit,” Simon squinted at the screen and looked at me alarmed. “This thing costs $500!”

“Seriously?” I grabbed the computer from him and read over the requirements. Sure enough you had to pay $500 and be over 18. The application was lengthy and I was expecting to find a print your own lab test sheet so the applicant could provide a urine, blood, and bone marrow sample.

“Well it makes sense, I mean you wouldn’t want to give just anyone that power,” Helen chuckled, rocking Felix gently as he stirred.

“What do they think is going to happen? Someone’s going to go on a random marrying spree?” Simon cocked his eyebrow and shook his head.

“Realistic threat,” I shrugged and passed the computer back to him. “If you’re willing to do the work don’t worry about the money,” I told him and made a mental note to inform Sidney of my plan.

The more I tried to plan everything as quickly and efficiently as possible, the more I realized how much I had to do. After spending the day with my mum and Helen trying to make sense of everything and discussing options of potluck versus catering and if a sound system is need, I lay on my bed reading and trying to forget about the day.

“Bumble?” I heard my father say as he knocked on the door lightly. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” I called to him and pulled the covers over my bare legs.

“Hey sweetie,” he appeared in the doorway and made his way to my bed, sitting at my feet. “How’s the planning going?”

“Good,” I smiled weakly and set my book on the night table. “Overwhelming,” I admitted.

“I can imagine,” he gave me a warm smile and squeezed my ankle affectionately. “But it’ll be worth it.”

“I know,” I sighed. “I am excited, just tired.”

“I know Bumb,” he paused and looked down at the floor. “So,” he hesitated. “I wanted to ask, are you still taking the same medication?” he looked at me intently.

“A variation,” I nodded. “Why?”

“I thought so,” he smiled. “I’m glad. But now with the baby coming I think it’s important that you get in touch with your doctor. There’s a lot we don’t know about anti-psychotics and pregnancy yet.”

I looked at him confused, trying to process what he was saying. Since starting the medication in my teen years I’d tried to go off of it once or twice, both had ended horribly and the idea of trying it again made my heart pump anxiously and the bile rise in my throat. There was already too much change for me to handle, I could feel myself starting to panic with every passing day and my saving grace was the drugs keeping my mind level. I thought about Sidney and how he’d never seen me unmedicated, how he’d never seen the dead look in my eyes and never been there for the days and days I’d sleep away. He’d been so incredibly supportive of everything in my life, but everyone had a breaking point. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my fists tightly as the anxiety began to wash over me. It wasn’t my fathers soft spoken words that sent me into a panic, it was the image in my mind of Sidney seeing me like that. Like the person nature had unfortunately created me to be. The shaking, morbidly depressed shadow of who I was supposed to be. What scared me the most though wasn’t the threat of returning to that state of surreal despair, rather the knowledge that in the early weeks of baby Keller-Crosby’s life I could have exposed him or her to something that would ruin them too. Since finding out I was pregnant I’d cut out caffeine from my diet and made a conscious effort to eat as naturally as possible, all the while swallowing back tiny pills that could be causing more damage than caffeine could even dream of.

I let out a struggled sigh as my father reached for my hands and held them tightly between his. I opened my eyes and watched him intently as he clearly outlined a plan, repeating the names of people we could call in town and the alternative measures we could take. But his words didn’t give me the comfort I needed, instead all I could think about was how selfish and clueless I’d been.

Notes

Sorry for the delay guys, I was actually in PEI for a few days so I wasn't getting a lot of writing done. Pretty inspiring being there though!
If you guys are desperate for even more Bea she is now on Twitter! @BeaKeller87 Your very own behind the story look at her life!

Enjoy :)
xx-T