The days and nights without Sidney only became slightly more manageable with time. Luna was enjoying the freedom to sleep in our bed at night, but I was struggling without him beside me.

“Do they make like Sidney Crosby body pillows? Y’know how they have the stuffed dolls, I need one but in life size.” I lay in our big bed alone with the phone pressed to my ear. The sky was black outside the window and I could see the moon through the blinds. I’d already locked up for the night, checking all the doors at least twice and setting our rarely used alarm. With Beau back on his feet I was completely alone in the big house. I’d considered spending the nights Sidney was away in my old bedroom at the apartment, that I had yet to completely clean out. I liked the idea of having Serena close by, but I couldn’t convince myself to walk up all those stairs.

“I don’t think the NHL store has thought of that one yet, Sweetie,” Sid laughed on the other end of the phone. His voice was deep and sleepy, I wanted him beside me even more.

“They should. I have your side of the bed full of pillows and I still can’t fall asleep. Does it comfort you to know I’ll never replace you with pillows?” I was goofy from exhaustion, having not had a solid night of sleep since he left five days ago.

“It does,” he yawned. I imagined him alone in a hotel room, stretched out on the scratchy bedspread in his pyjamas and a pang of jealousy hit me. I yearned to be in that sterile room with him.

“I think the baby misses you too. He doesn’t get as excited when I talk to him, and he keeps jabbing me in the ribs which I think is fetus for ‘I miss Daddy, I wish he would come home and make Mummy pancakes.’ He’s already so smart, Sid! He knows that Mummy would kill for pancakes!”

“You’re breaking my heart here, Bea,” he groaned. “I hate that I’m not home making you pancakes right now. I’m sorry it’s like this.”

“Oh no! We don’t want to break your heart! He says to tell you that it’s okay because you’re going to make up for all the nights away when you get home.” I poked my stomach gently, feeling a flutter of movement inside and smiling.

“You bet I am,” Sid chuckled and I could hear how tired he was. I selfishly prayed he wouldn’t tell me he had to go soon. “Hey, I got a call from the league the other day. Y’know that NHL Revealed series they’re doing? They want to do some bits with the families of players who are in Sochi and asked if you’d be interested. I know the baby will still be new but I thought it might be easier to manage the media attention if we’re open with everything from the start.”

My instant reaction was to say no, absolutely not, no chance in hell. It was cruel to even ask, and likely the idea of a completely oblivious man. But I forced myself to listen to what Sidney was saying, and it made sense. If we didn’t try to hide the baby they had no reason to go looking for information.

“What would it entail?” I sighed reluctantly, while it made sense the idea wasn’t at all appealing.

“They’d probably send over a camera crew during a game and talk to you for a bit. They’d go over questions before filming anything and we can give them a list of topics not to bring up. They’ll also know that you just had a baby so we can tell them to keep it quick. It’s entirely up to you, Bea, but they want to know soon.”

“You think it’s a good idea?” I asked, mulling over what he’d told me.

“I do, but don’t do it if you’re not comfortable,” he replied softly. It was almost as if he was laying beside me, whispering in my ear.

“You’re not worried about the world finding out you married a weirdo?” I giggled, wishing I could feel his breath against my ear.

“Nah,” Sid chuckled. “It was bound to get out eventually.”

“Okay,” I said quietly, before I could analyze the offer to death and change my mind. “Tell them I’ll do it, and tell them to call me themselves. I don’t want you to be the go between.”

“You’re sure?” he clarified, voice strong and comforting.

“Yes,” I assured him, secretly wondering if I’d lost my mind.

“Awesome, I’ll have someone call them in the morning.” I heard him moving in the background and shifted my own position, imagining he was beside me.”So,I was thinking,” he changed the subject. “We haven’t really talked about names other than Stanley. Do you have any ideas?”

“Yes!” I replied eagerly. Did I have ideas? I snickered to myself and reached for my journal on the nightstand. I’d been writing down names for months, waiting for the right time to bring it up. “You go first,” I suggested excitedly, opening the book to a page filled with chicken scratched names and grabbing my pen. “We can go back and forth.”

“Okay, how about Harry?”

“Not bad,” I flipped over the page and added it to a fresh list. “Niall?” I read the first name I saw on the other page.

“Liam, Louis, and Zayn. Are we just listing members of One Direction?” he teased.

“ I can’t believe you just named all of One Direction. Wow Sidney, I’m impressed.”

“Pshh, everyone knows their names,” he scoffed. “ I know you’re sure it’s a boy but we need to be prepared for both, Charlotte?”

“No, I don’t think everyone does know them, and Charlotte Keller-Crosby? Say that three times fast.” I laughed, even though I had the name written on my original list.

“Whatever,” I could almost hear his eyes rolling through the phone. “And I forgot it’s important to be able to say a kid’s name three times fast on a daily basis.”

“It’s super important. What about Pennilyn?” I looked to one of the girls names I’d circled frantically a few weeks ago.

“I like that, put it in the yes column of your list,” he said, ignoring my sarcastic remark.

“How do you know I’m writing a list?” I asked, looking down at the book in my hands.

“Because you’re my wife and I would expect nothing less of you,” he chuckled. “Asher?”

“Asher Keller-Crosby, I like that. Noah?

“No, too common. Blakely?”

“Yes.” I scribbled the name down. “Imogen?”

“Not feeling it. Lachlan?” I could hear him rustling his own papers in the background.

“Lachlan,” I repeated. It wasn’t a name I’d heard often. Not often enough for it to have any connotation. “Lachlan Keller-Crosby. I really like that,” I smiled as I felt the jab of a kick to my ribs. “Luka?”

“It’s not bad, but it reminds me of that song. The one about the abused kid?”

“Oh man, you’re right,” I groaned, scratching the name off of my list. “What about Gloria?”

“You just like that name because you can sing it, right?” he snorted.

“What do you mean?” I balked, not sure if I should be offended or not.

“It’s a song, just like Lyla, you can sing it. That’s why you like it,” he explained.

“Maybe…” I replied suspiciously, not willing to admit that he was right.

“Well either way, add it to the list, I like it. The name and the song. What do we have so far?”

“For boys I have: Harry, Asher, and Lachlan. And girls there’s: Pennilyn, Blakely, and Gloria,” I read the list aloud, smiling to myself at my favourites.

“Do you want to add more? Because honestly I think I know my picks and I think they’re the same as yours.”

“I think they are,” I grinned, even though he couldn’t see me.

I feel asleep with the phone pressed against my ear and the sound of Sidney’s rhythmic breathing and soft spoken words filling the silence around me. When I awoke the next morning around eight he was still on the line, gently trying to wake me before he had to hang up. His scratchy morning voice tickled my ear and sent a flutter of excitement through me. Just one more night and he’d be home. We didn’t talk long, just a few minutes of ‘I love yous’ and a promise to talk after the game against St.Louis that night. By the time we hung up I was fully awake and couldn’t stand the idea of staying in bed any longer, a rare sensation for me given my close relationship with our bed.

I was sat at the kitchen counter wearing Sid’s snug fitting hoodie and scrolling through nursery ideas online, waiting for my toast to pop, when my phone lit up with a text from James.

James:
Morning. Can you do me a favour?

Bea:
Sure, provided it’s legal.

James:
90% sure it is. Colbie is working on a project for school and needs some help. She doesn’t really know anyone in the city yet. Can you help her? It’s something with photography.

I couldn’t help but smile at his message, it was cute to see him so invested in someone. Having already decided I liked her I immediately agreed and within minutes he’d sent me her contact information. With just Serena and a few derby girls on my list of local friends, I understood her situation and text the number James gave me before bothering to get my toast from toaster.

Nearly two hours passed before I got a reply and I’d managed to do a load of laundry, shower, and had been sitting in the empty room across the hall from ours that would soon be outfitted as a nursery for forty minutes. There were a few bags and boxes piled in the closet, things we’d already picked up, but otherwise the room was empty. The walls were stark and white, contrasting the dark floors that could be found throughout most of the house- with the exception of the yellow room. I had hundreds of ideas for the room and with the high ceilings, sizeable windows, and impressive square footage the opportunities were endless. I’d seen so many beautiful rooms online that I wanted to recreate in our house, but I needed to be realistic. We didn’t need nicknacks all over the place or a cute theme that I might get sick of in a month. I wanted to be as gender neutral as possible, because even though I was convinced we were having a boy, I didn’t know for sure. Luckily I wasn’t keen on stereotypical gendered decor anyway, so that made the planning somewhat easier. I was looking through different warm grey hues when I got her text asking if I was free. Eagerly I replied and we made plans for that afternoon, leaving me with hours to fill before she arrived.

I was bored out of my mind by 11:30am. Having given up on nursery designs, I’d moved to the living room and was flipping through channels on the television hoping to find something to distract me. I was out of luck. Unable to focus enough to watch Dr.Phil or any other talk show, I shut off the TV and tried to read. It began as reading to myself, then— after finding little entertainment in that alone— I decided the baby might want to hear the story too, and I continued reading Caitlin Moran’s ‘How to Be a Woman’ only this time aloud. It definitely wasn’t a book that would be found in the children’s section, but I figured it wouldn’t cause too much physiological damage given that the baby had no idea what the term ‘twat’ actually meant and probably couldn’t hear me that clearly through the amniotic fluid. Story time lasted about ten minutes and soon I was pacing the house trying to decide what to wear, and whether I should bake something for her arrival. I was waffling between putting on proper clothes and doing my makeup or staying in the cozy sweater and comfortable leggings I’d thrown on after showering. The first snowfall of the year had began the night before and continued to cover the outside surfaces so the warm outfit felt perfect as I stayed tucked inside away from the elements. My need for comfort quickly won out and I kiboshed the makeup idea, then went back to considering my baking options

I paced for what felt like hours, carrying on a one sided conversation with my protruding midsection. When I realized my walking had lulled the baby to sleep and I was getting no response to my request for him to “kick once if you think I should whip up a batch of cookies,” I finally hit an all time low in my battle with boredom and called Sidney again. I knew he was on the flight to St. Louis, but having been on the plane with him enough I knew that aircraft had better cellphone reception than most parts of the rink.

He answered on the second ring.

“Whatcha doin’?” I asked casually, flopping onto the couch again. I didn’t want to admit it but I was a little embarrassed to be calling him.

“What’s wrong?” he ignored my question. Surprisingly my usually anxious husband didn’t sound worried, or annoyed.

“Nothing,” I lied, pulling the blanket on the back of the couch over me.

“Obviously something is wrong, you never call during the day,” he said lightheartedly.

“I’m just bored, and James’ girlfriend is coming over soon-”

“And you’re nervous,” he cut in before I could finish.

“Maybe a little,” I admitted. “It’s so stupid! I’m an adult, I should not be nervous to have someone come to my house.” I let out a frustrated groan and kicked my feet against the couch cushion under me.

“It’s not the most rational thing you’ve ever been anxious about,” he giggled. I missed his laugh almost as much as I missed his physical presence beside me. I knew being apart was going to be hard, I’d been spoiled having the same schedule as him for the first year of our relationship, but the moments when I wasn’t distracted made it all seem unbearable. I’d been trying to keep myself occupied, I had books to read, decorating to plan, Netflix to watch. I’d spent time with Serena, talked to Big Bea, and even kept the house spotless, but it was never enough to fight off the loneliness. To be honest, my reliance on him disgusted me. I was appalled that I’d let myself become so attached to another person that I felt cold and lost without him around. I never wanted to be that person, I prided myself on my independence, but the closer I got to my due date the more I felt that strong, self-sufficient person I used to be slipping away.

“I’m a freak,” I sighed, pulling the blanket tighter around me.

“Not a freak, just a little neurotic,” he corrected me softly. He spoke in the tone he used when we were laying together alone, those quiet moments when his fingers would run lazily through my hair and the palm of his other hand would rest against the bare skin of my stomach. Those were my favourite minutes in our busy day. They were the brief intervals when the world faded away, work didn’t matter, hockey didn’t exist, and we were together. They were peaceful, free, the fuel I needed to get through the chaotic times that never ceased. Everywhere we turned there was something, and interview, a losing streak, an injury; but those fragments of stillness made it all tolerable.

“I miss you,” he told me in that same velvety voice. “I can’t wait to get home. I plan on spending the entire day in bed with you.”

“Have you ever actually spent a day in bed?” I giggled, picturing him in his pyjamas at two in the afternoon.

“Only due to injury or illness, but I think I can manage it,” he replied. “You’re pretty good company, Mrs. Keller-Crosby.”

“Lucky for you, ‘cause you’re stuck with me,” I snorted.

“Best contract I’ve ever signed.”

“I’m flattered that you love me more than $104.4-million over twelve years.”

“$104.4-million over twelve years doesn’t keep me warm at night,” he laughed.

“It could, if you spent it all on luxurious blankets and fire places,” I teased, moving the phone to my other ear and snuggling deeper into the warmth of the couch.

“Can you just let me try to be romantic for once?” Sidney groaned lightheartedly. “You’re impossible.”

“Okay, sorry! Go ahead, tell me how much you like me,” I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing and moved my freehand over my stomach.

“Nope, moment has passed. You’re just going to have to use your imagination.”

“I’ve been using my imagination for days, Sidney. I’m going to run out of imagination soon,” I let out a melodramatic sigh.

“You have a good imagination though, you’ll survive,” he chortled.

We stayed on the line for a few more minutes, until I’d forgotten about my anxiety and the house didn’t feel as lonely anymore. Sidney reminded me that I wasn’t completely alone, even if he was miles away, he was still there when I needed him. As saccharine as it all was, those mushy sentiments made the moments pass with just a little more ease, and the world didn’t seem so overwhelming.

Colbie finally arrived about an hour later, providing the much needed relief to my anticipation. I welcomed her in as soon as she rang the bell, having watched her trudge through our snowing walkway up to the house.

“Hey!” I grinned at her, she stood looking radiant, the white snowflakes contrasting her vibrant red hair and the frosty hair making her cheeks flush. “Thank God you’re here.” I laughed, trying not to envy her slim frame as I ushered her in. “I’m so damn bored I think I’m losing my mind.”

“Thank you for having me over,” she smiled, undoing the buttons of her camel coloured peacoat. “You have a beautiful home.”

“Thanks,” I took her coat from her and hung it in the closet, that without Sidney and Beau home looked empty. “Honestly, I forget it’s my house too sometimes,” I blurted out without thinking.

“How long have you lived here?” she asked, adjusting a heavy looking bag on her shoulder.

“On and off for nearly a year,” I laughed and led us into the living room that I’d ensured was damn near immaculate before opening the front door.

“That’s not that long,” she chuckled and sat gracefully on the couch. “Now if you’d have said five years then I’d be worried.”

“Right?” I smiled and lowered myself cautiously into the armchair, trying to seem as refined as possible. “So, tell me more about your project?”

“Oh right, well I’m a photography student and my final project for the semester is to do a series. I originally wanted my theme to be youth and changes but I’m not actually sure what I have going on right now.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a a folder, then began placing the photographs it held in a line on the coffee table. “Most of them are of the kids I nanny for,” she explained hesitantly.

I shuffled forward in my chair, trying to reach the pictures. It was a little embarrassing to be struggling to move in front of her, my stomach keeping me from bending over properly. Noticing my struggle, she passed me a few of the photos and I smiled sheepishly. The pictures I held in my hands were breathtaking, like something you’d find in a coffee table book. The first was of a little boy laying surrounded by the spirited colours of fall, leaves cushioning his head and creeping into his messy blonde hair. His eyes were closed but he was grinning wildly, showing the space where he was missing a tooth.

“Wow,” I finally spoke after she’d handed me all of the photos, each of them more captivating than the last. “These are incredible.”

“Thanks,” she blushed, taking the pictures from me and putting them back in the folder. “I just need one more set, something different to tie them together.”

“Is these where I come in?” I was nervous to ask. The idea of having my picture taken had never thrilled me, and I certainly wasn’t looking my best.

“If you’d be willing. I promise I won’t take up your day…”

“Oh please,” I interrupted. “Time is not an issue. I’m thankful for anything that will take up my day when the guys are gone.”

“Beau mentioned you were a little bored,” she smiled. I grinned at the thought of her interacting with my rambunctious live-in, glad that James was integrating her into his life. “So I was thinking maybe we could shoot in the nursery? If that’s alright I mean. It’s all up to you, Bea.”

“Alright,” I pulled myself to my feet. “It’s actually more of an empty room, but you can look at it if you want, I’ll show you the rest of the house too.” I led her up the stairs and down the hall to the embarrassingly stark room where I’d spent a portion of my morning. She circled the room, smiling, then set down her bag before we moved on to the other rooms of the main floor, ending with the yellow room.

Before I knew it we’d gone through my closet, put on my makeup and were sitting on the dark nursery room floor. She decided to keep me in my leggings in miss matched socks, but switched my sweater for a white Penguins tank top I’d actually forgotten I’d bought. I sat nervously, watching her set up her old style camera and flipping the lamps in the room on and off. I wondered briefly why I’d agreed to do this, why I couldn’t have continently ignored James’ text message.

“I’m not really into poses,” she explained. “So I was thinking maybe we could just have a conversation and forget I have the camera?”

I nodded and adjusted myself, trying to find a comfortable position, even though I knew it was futile. Between the hard floor and my increased body weight getting comfortable was a chore.

“So, when did you move to the states?” Colbie began, sitting across from me on the floor as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “You’re from PEI right?”

“Yeah. I guess it’s been a few years now. I originally moved to Philadelphia after my first degree to live with my brother, but not long after that I decided to go to Penn State so I moved to University Park. Ending up in Pittsburgh was kind of random really,” I laughed, conveniently excluding the details about her doppelgänger, Millie.

I heard the click of the camera but she continued talking. “So I take it you like it?”

“I do,” I nodded. “I miss Canada a lot though.”

“I know what you mean,” she sighed. “I’ve been here since September and I’m still a little homesick.”

“It gets easier,” I reassured her. “Especially when you have someone. And you have school so that must kind of help, at least to keep you distracted.”

“It does,” she nodded and clicked the button again. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever really enjoyed, photography. Well, the only thing you can legally get a job doing,” she giggled.

“Probably a little safer too,” I laughed.

“No kidding. So you and Sidney met at work, right?” she quickly changed the subject.

I told her about the first day in the locker room, and our first conversation while I rubbed his shoulder. She listened carefully as I recalled the highlights of our first year together, laughing at quickly we ended up stuck together. Every so often she’d move, or ask me to change positions, lift up my shirt to show my stomach, look away from the camera. She had to remind me a few times to ignore the metal contraption in her hands. It didn’t take long before our conversation began to flow naturally, and even after she’d put her camera away we sat on the floor discussing the world around us. She told me about her family, the drunken night that James had mentioned, and how weird it felt to be dating someone who had his own bobble head. I could relate in so many ways and tried to give her what little advice I had; don’t pay attention to the media, don’t take the moods personally, and don’t let him get away with shit just because he’s a big name. The sun had began to set by the time we paused, and my stomach growled obnoxiously.

“Do you want to stay and watch the game?” I asked as she packed up and we headed down the stairs. “We can order dinner, or I have a few boxes of Kraft dinner I smuggled across the boarder and a bag of ketchup chips I’ve been saving for a special occasion if you’d rather that.”

“Yes!” she cried excitedly. “I don’t understand why they don’t have ketchup chips here. I didn’t even realize I liked them until I couldn’t find them in the store.”

Our conversation continued as the water boiled and I cooked one of the precious boxes of Canadian Macaroni and Cheese from my stash hidden in the back of the pantry. It didn’t stop as we sat in front of the T.V eating and watching the first period, and by the end of the third we’d finished the chips and covered only a fraction of the topics we wanted to. We won 4-3, but I couldn’t tell you anymore about that game, my attention was too focused on the energetic girl beside me. The postgame show had ended and I’d flicked off the television, when our phones rang within seconds of each other, Sidney and James calling as they’d promised. We glanced at each other, both waiting for the other to pick up first before bursting into a fit of laughter. In that moment I think we both knew that we weren’t alone anymore.

Notes

Writer's block is trying to kill me. This chapter was like trying to churn a cement block into butter. I want to bang my head against the wall rereading it but I need to get it out there so I can move alone to the next bit. I wanted to have this out over a week ago but that sure did not happen.

If you're not already aware, Colbie is the protagonist of my side project which can be found here: http://www.hockeyfanfiction.com/Story/22980/The-Longest-Time/

I hope it makes sense without reading both, but I assume reading both will help.

I'm back at school, so as per usual I don't know what my updating schedule will be like, but I wanted to assure you guys that I don't ever forget about this story. I write nearly everyday, so even when I'm not updating I am working on it. Things just happen a little slower now, which trust me is as frustrating for me as it is for y'all.

Anyway, I'm really eager to hear what you guys think. I'm hoping you enjoy it more than I do.

xx-T