Lachlan passed his first medical tests with flying colours, despite my worst fears I had given birth to a perfectly healthy little person. The rest of the day was surreal. It passed in a blur of excitement and exhaustion. Serena picked up my mum and Big Bea at the airport while Sidney and I very slowly made our way up the stairs to the bedroom. My body felt like it had been pulled through a wood chipper, my insides felt loose and bruised, but my heart was bursting. I was delirious, intoxicated by his tiny toes and scrunched up face. I wanted to spend the rest of my life studying every pore in his smooth skin and every ridge of his finger prints.

“He is so perfect. Are all babies this perfect or his he just exceptional?” Sidney gazed down at the sleeping bundle in his arms. We’d set up shop in the bedroom, and Sidney was sat on the bed with Lachlan cradled in his arms while Clem helped me wash myself at the bathroom sink.

“Oh I think he is definitely exceptional,” Clem replied, helping me into a very attractive, luxurious pair of mesh underwear with perhaps the largest maxi pad I had ever seen built into the crotch.

“I guess Lachlan isn’t the only one wearing a diaper in this house,” I grumbled and adjusted my nightgown.

“You’re going to be thankful you have that on, trust me,” she helped me waddle back to the bed. I felt raw like a piece of meat that had been tenderized from the outside in, it was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. “Don’t be alarmed if some of the blood clots are about the size of a golf ball. And your uterus will continue contracting and cramping for the next few days.” She reminded us as if what she was saying wasn’t completely terrifying.

“Oh you are so lucky you’re worth it, buddy,” I looked down at Lachlan who was still asleep in Sidney’s arms. And it was true, we’d only known him for a few hours, but already he was completely worth all of the pain in the world.

Sidney didn’t join the team on their trip to Buffalo the day after Lachlan was born. Dan agreed that he should rest up for Sochi, but I’d overheard Sidney asking to be scratched so he could stay home with us. It was something I’d never imagined him doing. His job had always come first in his life so it came as a surprise when he declared that we were far more important than a few hockey games.

Having my mum and Big Bea with us was better than an army of ten nurses. The minute they walked in the door a few hours after he was born, they began helping. Sid and I had a steady stream of snacks brought to us in bed and my mother was always armed with a new ice pack for a different part of my aching body.

“You two make some nice looking babies,” Big Bea remarked the first time she held him. “This boy is destined for greatness.” And I had to agree, because if he was already so perfect at just a few hours old, I could only imagine how fantastic he would be in the coming years.

The days passed in a strange continuum, there seemed to be no end or beginning, just hours separated by naps and meals, breastfeeding and diapers. On our fifth day as a family of three I was finally ready for visitors. And by ready I mean it took me less than an hour to walk down the stairs and I could muster the energy to put pants on. I hadn’t intended for it to be a big event, but by two in the afternoon our living room was alive with conversation and Big Bea had laid out an impressive feast on the dining room table. It would appear that Lachlan, like his father, knew how to draw a crowd and captivate an audience.

I’d made myself comfortable on the couch, surrounded by pillows and taking up more than my fair share of space, while Lachlan charmed everyone around me. I watched intently as he was passed around, received by each person like the most fragile of gifts. I had expected myself to be uncomfortable with so many people holding him, I was already finding myself wildly protective and obsessed with making sure his every need was met with great perfection, but surprisingly there was a sort of comfort that came with watching a community of people invested in his well being.

“So,” Beau sat down carefully beside me, pulling me out of my thoughts. “How’s it going?” He held out his plate offering me some of the food that I had been too comfortable to get up and retrieve myself.

“Considering I expelled a human out of my loins less than a week ago, pretty damn good,” I replied and grabbed a few crackers off of the plate.

“Well that sounds horrifying,” he shuttered and gave me a sympathetic look.

“It’s definitely not on the list of things I want to spend my time doing,” I chuckled. “But he’s kind of worth it. At least I think so. Have you had a chance to hold him yet? Smelt his head? Maybe it’s a weird mum thing, but I swear his head smells heavenly.”

“Why do I have the feeling you just sit here and smell the kid when no one is looking?”

“Oh I do it when people are looking,” I smiled. “Seriously though,” I lay my hand on his leg to make a point then scanned the room for my husband. “Dis,” I called, motioning for him to bring Lachlan to me.

“Does he need to eat?” Sidney asked, walking carefully towards us with Lachlan snuggled in the crook of his arm.

“No, but Beau hasn’t smelt his head,” I told him.

“Oh no! He hasn’t smelt his head!?” Sid replied with mock horror. “How did he get this far into the house without smelling the baby’s head?”

“Hush!” I warned, rolling my eyes. I gestured for Sidney to hand Beau the baby and watched as the colour drained from Sunshine’s face.

“No it’s totally okay,” he bumbled. “I can smell him from over here. Really great, super infanty.”

“You don’t want to hold him?” I asked confused.

“No, he looks really comfortable, I don’t want to disturb him or anything,” he replied anxiously.

“He sleeps like 22 hours of the day, I’m sure he’ll be fine,” I snorted. “You have to hold him someday, if you plan on coming home.”

“It’s really fine,” he shook his head. “I… I wouldn’t want to like drop him or something.” A blush rose on Beau’s cheeks and he tried to avoid making eye contact with me.

“You’ve never held a baby have you?” I bit back the giggle that threatened to come out of me. He looked so nervous, he looked so young.

“No,” he shrugged, obviously trying to put up a tough exterior.

“Well, I can assure you, you’re not going to drop him while sitting beside me on the couch.”

“He really doesn’t move much so it would be like dropping a sack of potatoes,” Sid added with a smirk. “A very very cute sack of potatoes,” he clarified, grinning down at Lachlan’s sleeping face and running a finger along his soft forehead.

“Oh look, it’s baby’s first obscure compliment,” I teased. Coming from an island known for potatoes, I couldn’t deny that it was a pretty good compliment.

“Okay,” Beau finally sighed and held out his arms to Sidney. I watched as Sid carefully placed Lachlan in Beau’s arms, causing him to barely stir from his peaceful baby slumber. Once they were comfortable, Beau still looking terrified and Sid trying not to laugh, I lunged towards the coffee table, reaching awkwardly for my phone while trying to remain on the couch. It didn’t seem to matter to me that the sudden movement caused a surge of pain inside me, I was determined to capture the first interaction between my practice son and my infant son.

I snapped pictures rapidly, capturing the evolution of Beau’s face from nervous to serene. When I’d taken nearly 100, I tossed my phone back on the coffee table and smiled to Sidney, who was now across the room talking to Geno and Pascal. I wanted to find the code that would allow me to control time, and stop in this moment forever— or at least a little longer, long enough to savour it. It all felt so utopian, so unbelievably perfect that I wondered if I would blink and open my eyes only to find it was a mirage, and everything would be up in flames. Sid laughed at something I hadn’t heard, his head tipped back and his mouth open wide, eyes squeezed tight and the boyish guffaw leaving his body and filling the room with more joy than I’d ever seen in one space. Serena sat with Big Bea, her hands in the warm embrace of my grandmother’s and their heads leaning towards each other. Serena’s eyes were on Geno, watching as he grinned at Sidney. My mother was in the kitchen with Colbie and James, a place I’d never imagined I’d find James Neal, then again I’d also never imagined I’d see James fall so completely in love with someone so quickly. After our day together, Colbie and her camera had become another welcome member of our family. And that’s what this was, my family. Beside me, Lachlan let out tiny purrs and seemed to snuggle closer to Beau who was stroking the blonde baby hairs on Lachlan’s head and murmuring something softly that only they could hear. His words sounded like promises, not unlike the ones that ran through my mind while I watched the people around me. I promised to try a little harder, I promised to give a little more of myself, to be around more often, but most of all I promised that Lachlan would know how many people loved him every day of his life. Because I couldn’t control where Sidney travelled, or who was traded where, but I could love him with everything I had in me and nothing less.

Like everything, the bliss I felt with my family of three came to an end, or maybe it was a pause. He left with glassy eyes and a tight jaw. We were both trying to hold it together, but as salty tears trickled down my face I knew he was winning. Sidney held Lachlan against his shivering body and kissed me with what we both hoped would be enough love to last us the next few weeks. And then he was gone pulling away in the black town car that he’d decided was safer than me driving him to the airport, he decided. I had no say, just like so many other things in our lives. I resented him for leaving us. It didn’t matter that I’d known about this trip since we’d met, hell since the last Olympics in Vancouver. We’d done everything we could to help us through the separation, but nothing could prepare me for the soul crushing panic that came when I could no longer see the car in the distance. In that moment it didn’t matter that he was representing our country or that he’d be home before the end of the month. All I could think about was how he’d left me with a newborn and I couldn’t stop him. I had two generations of Keller women to help me, but as much as I loved them, I wanted him. I wanted his nervous questions and awkward way of handling Lachlan when they were both half asleep. His eager glances, looking for my approval as if I somehow knew more than he did about being a parent. Most of all, I wanted the calmness I felt seeing him asleep with the baby on his chest, his eyelids fluttering and hands in place protecting Lachlan from the harsh world around us. They’d wake up when one of them was hungry, a patch of drool in the centre of Sidney’s chest, and only a matter of time before they were back on the couch drooling together.

The day before he left I woke up to an empty bed, the clock beside the bed told me it was 8:16am, only two hours since I’d fallen asleep after the second feeding of the morning. Waking up to Sidney’s side of the bed empty wasn’t a surprise, but I was startled to find the co-sleeping bassinet in the same state. If I hadn’t been awake before, Lachlan’s absence catapulted me into the waking world. I pulled myself out of bed and found them in the kitchen, Lachlan held snuggly against Sidney’s chest in the pink wrap carrier I used on a daily basis.

“You do know we have that in other colours, right?” I teased, coming up behind him and wrapping my arms around him, and in turn Lachlan.

“I thought you said colours don’t have genders?” he replied, turning to face me.

I smiled up at him and draped my arms around his neck. “That’s true, I’ve just never actually seen you in pink. It’s very becoming. It matches your bloodshot eyes.”

“Oh you!” he flicked his wrist flamboyantly and kissed me gently.

“Is Mum up yet?” I asked giggling at him.

“They went for a walk, ” he was interrupted by the toaster popping and wiggled out of my embrace to finish what he had started before I got up. “Spud and I were going to bring you breakfast in bed.”

“Spud?” I gave him a side-eyed glance.

“Yeah, our very cute sack of potatoes,” he looked down at Lachlan and continued covering the toast with peanut butter while the kettle boiled.

“Right,” I nodded. I didn’t have the energy to argue it, which was good because there really wasn’t anything to argue, short of Lach, there was no obvious nickname for Lachlan and given my fondness for the starchy apples of the earth, I didn’t hate ‘Spud.’

“Go sit,” he shooed me out of the kitchen and into the living room, only to reappear a few minutes later with a tray of toast and oatmeal with a bowl of fruit, easily the most fanciest breakfast I’d ever had at home.

Taking a bite of toast I smiled at him as he sat down beside me, the baby still asleep in the wrap. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I know,” he took a drink of one of his infamous blended beverages. “But you needed the sleep and I was getting up anyway. I set up the swing thing downstairs and he slept while I ran, then your mum took him so I could shower.”

“Baby’s first gym experience!” I looked down at Lachlan who was now awake and looking around at us from his position against Sidney’s chest. He was peaceful for a solid ten seconds before he realized he was awake and Sid had stopped moving. I shoved the last piece of toast in my mouth then instinctively reached for him within seconds of his first cry.

“It’s not going to hurt him to cry for more than a minute before you grab him,” Sid rolled his eyes and loosened the sling from his body so I could get Lachlan out.

“Yeah, well it’ll hurt me,” I shot back at him, cradling the baby close to me. We’d discussed our plan to practice attachment parenting— keeping the baby in someone’s arms— as much as we could, but Sid didn’t seem to realize just how important it was to me. In fact, sitting in the swing that morning was probably the furthest he’d ever been from a person physically in his entire first week of life.

“Okay,” he said calmly. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m leaving tomorrow morning at about a quarter to eight. The flight to New York leaves at 9:30am. We’ll probably get there past midnight our time, but remember it’s a 7 hour time difference…”

“I know,” I sighed, irritated. “You’ve told me this about ten times already”

“That doesn’t mean you’ve heard me say it ten times already.”

“Are you insinuating I don’t listen when you talk?” I snapped.

“I’m not insinuating anything, I know for a fact you only hear about half of what I say.”

“You’re so full of shit,” I shook my head.

“Listening isn’t your strong suit,” his eyebrows were knit together as he scowled.

“Yeah well being around isn’t yours.”

“That’s not fair!” he cried.

“Neither is you refusing to let us go with you. Neither is you making decisions for me without consulting me.”

“Oh get over it! I’m going for work. This is my job, not a holiday. Y’know, the job that pays for this house and everything in it.”

I glared at him, if my eyes had suddenly turned to lasers he’d have been leaving for Sochi with two holes burnt right into his forehead. Then, noticing he was far calmer than I was, I passed Lachlan back to him, trying to avoid spreading my negative energy to the baby, who had done nothing to deserve my irritability, and irritated was putting my current mood lightly.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Bea!” he called after me as I got up from the couch. I was doing nothing to hide how offended I was by his stupid comment. “Beatrice! C’mon, don’t waste our last day together being in a mood.”

“What did you say? I didn’t hear you. Maybe you should say it again. I obviously wasn’t listening!” I hollered as I ascended the stairs, not waiting to hear is reply before slamming the bedroom door and heading straight for the shower.

I think we both knew that my reaction was to far more than his idiotic comment, it was the combined result of little sleep, hormones, and my anxiety about him leaving. I hadn’t mentioned it to him, but I was convinced something horrible was going to happen in Sochi. Between Putin’s government and their less than humanitarian approach to human rights, and the increasing political tensions on a world scale, I had a gnawing feeling there’d be some kind of repeat of the 1972 Munich Olympics.

My mood was slightly improved by the shower, but it was a far cry from being cheerful. I threw on my maternity leggings and a sweater, still a long way from fitting into my usual clothes, and headed back to the living room with the intention of making some kind of apology.

“We’ve been together for over a year and I still can’t learn to keep my mouth shut,” I hear Sidney say when I was halfway down the stairs. His voice was coming from the kitchen and I slowed my steps down, coming to a stop in the middle of the staircase.

“Keeping your mouth shut would probably get you in just as much trouble,” my mother replied. “My daughter tends to get just as upset when you don’t say what you’re thinking.”

“Yeah, but I need to realize when to stop pushing her.”

“What exactly did you say?”

“I told her that she doesn’t listen, and may have suggested that I have to work to pay for everything,” Sid sighed.

“Well that was stupid,” my mother laughed and I nodded in agreement. “Whatever you do, don’t ever act like you have to take care of her or that being with her is a sacrifice. Because no matter how much she loves you, which we both know is a hell of a lot, she will not tolerate being a chore and she will be back in that apartment with Serena before you can figure out how to stop her. Beatrice doesn’t like yelling, she’s not good at confrontation, no matter how tough she acts her instant reaction to things is to leave. I used to find her hiding in the backyard, or at one of the neighbour’s houses when we got into tiffs.”

“You’re telling me my wife is a flight risk?” Sid chuckled nervously.

“Only if you don’t go fix it. I have no doubt she’s a pain in the ass, she always has been, most people are when you live with them. But right now especially you need to talk to her and smooth things over. Not to be obviously biased, but she did just have a baby, Sid. I know it’s hard for both of you, but she’s scared.”
I sat frozen on the stairs waiting for his reply.

“Yeah,” he finally replied, so quiet I could barely hear it. “I’m scared too.”

“I know you are honey,” she said softly. “So give me that baby and go talk to her, because you can bet your ass she’s not going to come to you first.”

I heard Lachlan squawk and foot steps leaving the kitchen, I raced up the stairs and back into the bedroom. I crawled under the covers and tried to make it look like I’d never left the room. The last thing I wanted was for them to find out I’d been listening, it was beyond juvenile. But hearing the conversation between them had caused all of my animosity towards him to drift away, leaving me only slightly frustrated and still dreading the next day.

“Bea?” he whispered, pushing the door open and peering in.

“What?” I sat up, knowing I had to pretend to be at least a little upset.

He stepped inside the room and casually made his way to the bed, sitting on the edge of it and looking down at his clasped hands. “I’m sorry,” he looked up at me, and I could tell by looking in his big, sad eyes that he meant it.

“I am too,” I gave him a weak smile.

“You know I don’t actually begrudge paying for things, right?” He shifted so he was closer to me, leaning against the bed frame on his side of our bed.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still worry about it. I don’t like thinking that…”

“That you’re a chore to be with and I have to take care of you?” he cut me off. “You’re not. Not even freaking close. I’m lucky to have you and I love that I can share everything with you and that we can live comfortably. What I said was stupid and I didn’t mean any of it,” he reached for my hand and I laced my fingers between his.

“I really want to go to Sochi, Sidney. So badly that I’m willing to take an infant on the plane for 14 hours.” I knew I was pushing it, but I needed him to hear it one last time.

“Bea, you can’t. I don’t know what to expect there. They say it’s safe, but I don’t really know for sure. It’s too much of a risk with the baby.”

“Not even just for one game? Just the last one?” I pleaded.

“Do you really want to go to a country that is persecuting alternative sexualities? A country that thinks they have the right to comment on your life choices like that?” he tried to reason with me. He had a point, but it didn’t lessen my desire to be there with him.

“Morally, no. You know what they’re doing makes me sick, but I want to be with you. It’s not like I’m a target anyway. There are plenty of gay athletes going.” I played with his fingers as I spoke, looking at the ring shining on his finger.

“Oh I know, and that’s not why I don’t think it’s safe for you. I just don’t think it’s safe in general, and I can’t handle the idea of you being there if anything should happen.”

“Fine,” I sighed reluctantly, deciding it might be time to just give it up. “But for the record, I feel the same way about you being there.”

“Don’t worry about me,” he wrapped his arm around me, not moving his hand hand from mine and pulled me into his shoulder. “That’s security’s job.”

I spent the rest of the day dreading the next sunrise. the remainder of our day together we were attached at the hip. Everything we did, from feeding and changing Lachlan to packing the final things in Sid’s bag, we did together. When the sun had finally set and the front door had been locked, we crawled into bed and lay there. Maybe it was hours, or maybe it was just a few minutes, but we lay in the stillness of our room, Lachlan drifting in and out of sleep between us, his tiny hands balled into fists and his eyelids fluttering. I think we were both trying to savour the moment because we knew when Sid woke up again it would be time to say goodbye, and neither of us were ready to pull our little family apart just yet.

I waited impatiently for the phone to ring, having spent the entire day waiting for his flight to land. He’d promised we’d FaceTime as soon as he was through customs and as the hands on the kitchen clock got closer to 2am I started to lose hope. He’d probably forgotten, tired from the transatlantic flight and all the commotion. By 3am I gave up and went to bed.

I wanted to be strong for them, I wanted to prove to myself that I could survive on my own. It still disgusted me how much I relied on another person but I was trying to shift my focus from self-loathing to simply surviving. Watching him drive away, I was overwhelmed with panic. I was so completely convinced that I was in over my head that I desperately wished Lachlan was still inside of me. I could protect him in there, make sure his needs were being met, but in the real world, without Sidney, he was so vulnerable. There was only so much I could do to protect him and that become stunningly clear when I was left holding him while my husband left for his next great adventure.

Notes

Holy Freaking Finally!!
After a long month and ten days of a sort of writer's version of postpartum blues I have finally broken down the horrific, terrifying wall of writer's block that has been haunting me since Lachlan popped into the fictional world.
This is such a relief. Like when you finally get that really annoying out of place eyebrow hair, or when you take your bra off at the end of a hot day, except 1000 times better because it's literally been like 40 days coming.
Anyway, I wish I could reply to every single one of your amazing comments! I appreciate them so much! In fact, every few days I'd come back on here and read them hoping I could spark something, and it definitely worked in the end.
I'm not sure where the ending will be to this two year adventure, but I'm suspecting somewhere around Chapter 70 to 75, but I'm trying not to think about that because the idea of it makes me kind of ill. So we'll just enjoy it while it's happening :)
xx-T