“Okay, so I have some good news and some bad news,” Sidney called from the front door, kicking off his shoes and tossing his jacket over the banister. “I don’t want you to be alarmed, I promise it looks worse than it actually is.” His voice got louder as he walked closer and closer to where I was sitting in the kitchen with Serena, wearing a clear plastic shower cap and an old robe from my teen years. The robe, which had once been yellow was, faded and splattered with different colours of hair dye, a visual timeline of the at home dye jobs I’d done in the last 15 years.

“That’s not a good way to enter a house,” I replied as he rounded the corner, then stopped dead in his tracks, trying to digest the scene in front of him. His eyes darted from me, then to Serena, to the empty bowl with traces of pink hair dye still in it, then finally back to me and my shower cap. I noticed the scrape when he turned his head to survey the room. It looked fresh, splashed across his freshly shaven cheek only an inch or so above his jawline. I was too shocked by his facial injury to notice that the pinky on his left hand was taped in a splint.

“What the hell?” I jumped to my feet to study it closer. It was tender and angry looking, the left over dried blood still on the surface. “Seriously? You were at a practice. What did you do?”

“I tripped,” he shrugged me off. “I think the better question is what are you doing?” the unscathed side of his face twitched into a smirk.

“Tripped on what?” I ignored his question.

“The ice, don’t worry about it. Seriously, what are you doing?”

I shrugged him off just as he’d done me and returned to my seat at the dining room table, picking up the magazine I’d been flipping through.

He walked to the fridge and took out a water bottle, after drinking half of it in one gulp he turned back to us. “It scares me when you two are alone in a room together.”

“It scares me that you managed to trip on the very flat ice,” Serena snorted. “I mean it’s a professional rink, it’s not like there are bumps for you to get caught on.”

He turned around and glared at her then finished the rest of the water.

“Basically you’re telling us that you— the professional athlete— actually tripped over your own damn feet.” Her snicker turned into a laugh and I had to press my lips together to stop myself from joining her.

“Go away, Serena,” he snarled and tossed the empty bottle in her direction, missing her by a foot. “Nobody likes you.”

“I like her!” I cried.

“Yeah, I’ve been around way longer than you superstar,” she bent down and picked up the bottle. “I thought hockey players were supposed to have good aim.”

“Where are the kids? I need to find someone loves me.”

“Naps, naps, naps, naps, naps, naps, naps,” I chanted liked a university freshmen reciting the brilliant lyrics of one, Lil’ Jon.

“That’s a good idea,” he smirked at me then turned to leave us to our project. “And Bea, please, for the love of god do not get pink hair dye in the grout.”

“Are you sure this is alright?” I asked for quite possibly the fiftieth time since Colbie O’Connor walked through my front door a day earlier.

“Beatrice,” she looked at me with a blank face then picked up my purse from the hall table. “Leave. Everything will be fine, I can handle this, just go have fun.” her face softened and she handed me my purse before pushing us out the door.

“There’s extra cough syrup under the sink in my bathroom and distilled water for the humidifier in the hall closet, if you need anything just—” I managed to get in before she closed the door on us.

Colbie had flown in for Christmas the night before. When I asked her why she’d chosen to spend the holidays in Pittsburgh instead of Edmonton or even Nashville, she’d mumbled something about timing and asked me again if I would pick her up at the airport. Even if she refused to give me a straight answer, she would always be part of our mismatched extended family. I had forgotten the the team’s Christmas dinner when I invited her to stay with us, and was about to tell Sidney to go solo when she offered to stay with the kids. Despite Piper being four months old already, I had yet to leave her with anybody but Sidney for more than an hour, and with Lachlan fighting a monster of a cold it took everything in me not to storm through the door and spend the night on his bedroom floor.

“They’ll be fine,” Sid squeezed my hand and let our tangled fingers fall into my lap. “Spud will probably sleep the whole time.”

“I know,” I sighed. “But Piper is so particular, what if she isn’t swaddled properly and spends the night crying?”

“They’ll be fine,” he reiterated and let go of my hand to flick the radio on.

I listened to him hum along to the Ryan Adam’s song coming through the speakers, the street lights casting shadows inside the truck and illuminating his relaxed face every few meters. While he sang relaxed and off key, I tried to go over the list I’d given Colbie in my head. I had almost worked myself into enough of a tizzy to need an Ativan when we pulled into the parking lot of one of the more expensive hotels in town.

“Stop worrying,” Sidney whispered and wrapped his heavy arm around my shoulders, leading me up to entrance. I hadn’t said anything, but somehow he know where my focus was.

“Bea! Your hair!” Gene grinned when he saw us enter the hall after letting the staff take our coats. I’d had to ask the poor teenage boy who’d been hired to greet us and gather winter apparel to keep my bag accessible, awkwardly explaining that inside of my inconspicuous purse was a breast pump that I might need as his face grew red.

“It’s pink,” he laughed and pulled me in for a one armed hug, his other hand cradling a drink.

“Very pink,” Sidney snorted. He hadn’t been thrilled by my decision to turn my usually auburn hair a light shade of pastel pink. In fact it had led to an argument that ended with him telling me to grow up. But fortunately for both of us it was growing on him and I was nowhere near ready to return to a typical colour.

“Looks good,” Geno added. His date stood a few inches behind, as if she was trying to awkwardly shield herself with his massive body. We’d met several times, but each interaction was like we’d never laid eyes on each other. Her name was Anja, and despite being as Russian as he was, her English was fine, at least fine enough that she could have a conversation with me when she found it convenient.

She was everything Serena wasn’t, and I tried not to hold it against her. Tall with dark hair, full lips, and breasts that were either a genetic gift or a medical masterpiece. She wore fake eyelashes, contoured her face, and didn’t laugh at my jokes. The eyelashes and conturing I could fully accept, but her stone face when I made a sarcastic comment or brilliant pun was almost unforgivable. They’d met over the summer and although Geno told us she was the host of a Russian television show, she’d so far spent more time in Pittsburgh than in her Eurasian home. But I was trying to like her, for the sake of peacekeeping.

After our sit down dinner, Sidney mingled with the team and members of head office while I spent most of the night with the other Wives and Girlfriends. It had taken almost six yeas, but finally I was starting to fit in with what felt like the popular girls. Even though I’d been there longer than most of the other wives I still felt self-conscious and on edge around the group. They all seemed so well adjusted and perfectly manicured. There was a reason Serena had fit in so seamlessly, they were beautiful, and I was just Beatrice. There was nothing wrong with my appearance, but I didn’t particularly like high heels or tight dresses, and my hair never seemed to curl perfectly or shine under the light. I didn’t carry a Michael Kors bag or try to lose my baby weight as soon as I could. The tag in my dresses would likely never show a single digit size, and I didn’t try to hide the tattoos that covered well over half of my body. I respected them, and their right to like what they liked and be who they were, but I didn’t fit in, and worse than that I envied them because they made it all look so easy.

“So we were originally going to go with granite but lately I’ve been thinking about wood…” One of the wives was telling us about their kitchen renovation and the challenge of picking out countertops. I smiled politely and did everything I could to appear interested. As she continued my focus shifted to Sidney who was standing across the room. He looked calm and at ease, holding his drink and smiling at something the balding man a few inches shorter than him said. He looked warm and inviting and all I could think about was how good I knew he smelt. His dress pants were tight around his thighs and bum, even though he’d asked the tailor to leave some extra room when they were made. He’d ditched his suit jacket and I could almost see his muscles move under the white button up shirt that covered him.

When I finally pulled my eyes off of him the conversation around me had shifted to Christmas plans and I casually added that I wished the holiday break was longer so it would look like I’d been paying attention. But as good as I was at faking it, I couldn’t care less about the conversation. No matter how much I wished I could be more like them I would have much rather been at home in my pyjamas than pretending to be some kind of “normal” person.

It was actually a relief when I noticed halfway through the night that my breasts were starting to get heavy and hard. After excusing myself, I slipped out of the crowded room and found the same guy standing in the coatcheck room with his eyes on his phone. He looked up, embarrassed that I’d caught him hiding away, then quickly moved find my bag without a word.

“I don’t blame you for hiding in here,” I smiled, taking the bag from him.

“I… uh, had to check my phone,” he blushed again and shrugged nervously.

I leaned some of my weight against the counter and waited for him to continue, he had more to say and it was likely more interesting than what I’d been listening to all night.

“My girlfriend,” he looked down at the phone again. “She’s… she’s, uh, pregnant,” he stammered out, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Congratulations,” I replied with more sincerity than I had all night.

“Thank you,” his face lit up just enough for me to notice. “I don’t really hear that often.”

“Really? How far along is she?”

“She said she’s over halfway so like six months I think,” he smiled. “She got an ultrasound the other day and it’s starting to look like something.”

“Less like a sea monkey and more like a human?” I laughed. “They become tiny humans pretty quickly.”

“That’s the scary part,” he pushed his hair out of his face and let out a sigh, smiling slightly at me. I could see the frustration and fear on his face, hidden under the casual smile. His hands were now shoved in his pockets and he stood on the other side of the counter leaning against the wall. When I really looked at him I realized he couldn’t be much older than eighteen. With the memories of my own fear about becoming a parent still fresh in my mind, my heart ached for him. I had been much older when Lachlan was born and had still been terrified so I couldn’t imagine his anxiety about becoming a parent.

“It can be a little daunting, but you get the hang of it pretty quickly.” I tried to reassure him. He nodded and I heard the phone vibrate in his hands. With an apologetic smile he turned around to take the call. I was deciding between awkwardly standing there and waiting so we could talk more, and leaving to go pump as I’d originally planned when Sidney came out of the ball room.

He grinned when he saw me and I made a mental note to tell him to part his hair to the side more often. “I was wondering where you ended up,” he slid his arm around my waist and kissed the side of my head.

People had warned me that after having kids our affection for each other would fade, that honeymoon phase would be over and we’d no longer want that constant contact, but after two kids and 6 years together it hadn’t. Our way of communicating had, but my desire for him to touch me in even the most chastely way was still as strong as ever.

“Really? Mr. Popular wanted to see little ol’ me?” I teased and he wrinkled his nose. “I just came out to get the pump and ended up talking to this lovely young man.” I motioned to the boy who was just hiding his phone back in his pocket.

“Hi,” he looked at Sidney alarmed, then glanced at me.

“Hey, is she talking your ear off?” Sid chuckled and the boy shook his head quickly whispering a barely audible “no.”

“We were just talking about his impending fatherhood,” I filled Sidney in while the poor kid gathered himself.

“Oh really? That’s awesome, congratulations man!” Sid held out his hand and the boy hesitantly took it in his.

“Yeah,” he croaked. “I mean we’re only sixteen so it’s kind of a mistake but I’m excited, I think. My girlfriend’s parents are pretty upset but…” he rambled nervously while Sidney and I smiled politely.

“You’ll do great,” Sid added when he’d finally come to a gentle stop. “Kids are fun.”

“Do you guys want a picture?” I offered so he wouldn’t have to ask.

I took a few shots on his cellphone and Sidney signed something for him then exchanged his coatcheck ticket for our winter wear. “I think I’ve talked to everyone who I need to talk to,” he told me before I could ask why we were leaving. After we’d gotten our coats on I watched Sidney hand him a tip and we both wished him a Marry Christmas.

“How much did you give him?” I asked after we’d pulled out of the parking lot and were driving in the direction of home.

“Like six-hundred,” he said nonchalantly, barley taking his off of the road to look at me.

“Six hundred dollars?” I looked at him slack jawed and bewildered. “Or like six-hundred cents?”

“Dollars,” he glanced over, eying me. “Why would I give him six-hundred cents?”

“Why did you even have six-hundred dollars in cash on you?” I continued to stare at him trying to put all of the pieces together.

“Because I took out twelve hundred for Christmas gifts and forgot to give you half of it to actually put in the cards for the postman, landscaper, and whoever else you think we should give it to.” He told me as if it was the most obvious thing ever and I was obtuse for not realizing. “I just figured he needed it more than we do, in fact I kind of wish I’d given him more.”

“You’re I good person, Sidney Keller-Crosby,” I beamed at him. “I’m glad I decided to procreate with you.”

“I’m glad you decided to procreate with me too,” he laughed.

“Wanna pull over and make out in the back seat?”

He grinned and signalled to pull down a quiet road that would lead us to the industrial parks on the outskirts of town. I had been kidding but wasn’t about to ruin the moment with seriousness, any opportunity to make out like teenagers without being interrupted by the needs of little humans was beyond appreciated at this point.

It was all steamy kissing and wandering hands when he pulled me into the backseat and stripped off my jacket. Discarded clothing and hair in disarray when we decided that kissing wasn’t enough, and lust filled whispers when my dress was bunched at my waist and for the first time in weeks we were finally tangled together in the way we had once been accustomed to. It felt like coming home, sitting on his lap with his hands on my back and his eyes hooded but focused on mine. It felt like the fire inside me was finally being stoked after weeks of letting it slowly fade out, the glowing embers were now ablaze and as the crackle and roar came to a peak so did I.

In an ideal situation we would have spent an hour or so huddled together and basking in the semi-taboo nature of our shenanigans. But no sooner than we finished did we see a moving light coming towards us, interrupting the dimly parking lot outside which was covered in snow and had been unoccupied. Somehow it clicked that the person approaching us was security and the last thing we needed was to be caught post-coitus by a stranger. My reflexes kicked into high gear and before I could even put my underwear back on I’d climbed into the drivers seat and was pulling out of the lot, leaving Sidney in back seat laughing so hard tears were pouring down his face. We’d avoided a scandal, but that wouldn’t be the last time we found solace in the backseat on a quiet night.

********

“Lachlan, please don’t poke your sister,” I said for the second time in less five minutes. It wasn’t even asking at this point, more a robotic reaction to seeing his outstretched finger headed for her unsuspecting face.

“Why?” he looked up at me from their spot on the floor where Piper was laying on her tummy and he was playing with blocks. “She likes it.”

“She doesn’t like it, you have to be gentle,” I felt like a broken record, having also told him that several times that day alone. Giving him the look—the one that had previously been reserved for his father and players who didn’t follow doctor’s orders but was getting more use with him than ever before—, I went back to trying to clean the grape juice stain out of the couch.

Nothing could have possibly prepared me for having two children, not even working for the team. It was like herding cats on a rainy day while trying to juggle flaming batons that were somehow unaffected by the rain. Being nearly four, Lachlan was into everything, pushing any boundary he faced. But he was smart, scary smart, and fully aware of everything that went on in our house. So much so that one morning at breakfast he turned to Beau and asked why Maggie wasn’t eating with them, when we asked what he was talking about, Lachlan loudly proclaimed that Beau’s new girlfriend was hiding in his room and was probably hungry. Sure enough, twenty minutes later she emerged from the bedroom, blonde hair pulled into a messy ponytail and swimming in Beau’s hoodie. He’d known because he saw her shoes in the closet. I couldn’t be too surprised by his awareness though, Lachlan was crazy about Beau’s new, very young friend. To the surprise of many I had absolutely no problem with our honorary live in family member having overnight guests. That, in addition to our well stocked fridge, was likely the reason he hadn’t moved out yet. It was no secret that I liked having him around—and not because he was secretly the father of my children. He was an extra set of hands when we needed them, and always a positive energy to have in a house that could often become chaotic.

“Lachlan, I’m serious,” I dropped the scrubbing brush and turned to him at the sound of Piper’s cries.

“I’m just loving her!” he cried as I scooped up my now howling baby and held her against my chest. I sat on the unstained part of the couch trying to console her while he watched me with his eyebrows knit together and his lower lips pushed out just a few millimetres. He was so much like Sidney it scared me, and just like Sidney it was impossible to be angry with him. His concerned little face hit me right in the soft spot and I forced myself to take a deep breath and reevaluate my approach.

“I’m going to tell you something very important,” I ushered him over to me and took his little hand in mine, my other arm still supporting Piper. “This is something you’re going to need to know for the rest of your life, are you listening?”

He nodded, obviously bracing himself to be scolded and let out a jagged sigh, holding off the tears that I knew could spring at any moment.

“It’s not loving if the other person doesn’t like it. It’s only loving if the other person says it’s okay before you touch them.” I tried to break it down into digestible four year old terms.

“But Pippy can’t talk,” he interrupted before I could continue, too smart for his own good.

“I know, and that’s even more important. If she can’t tell you ‘yes’ then unless Mummy or Daddy say it’s okay it’s an automatic ‘no.’ Until Pippy is old enough to tell us what she wants it’s up to Mummy and Daddy to decide.” I held my breath while I waited for the idea to register with him, hoping it hadn’t all gone over his head. He didn’t say anything, just watched me with the same thoughtful yet ashamed look on his face. By now Piper had settled and was chewing happily on her hands.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t love Pippy and play with her, it just means that when someone says no, whether it is me or Daddy, or Uncle Boo, or Auntie S, you have to listen because that’s just like if she were to say no herself,” I tried to clarify, and just when I thought I’d failed miserably I saw the flicker of recognition and understanding flash across his face.

“Okay,” he nodded slowly. “I don’t touch Pippy if she doesn’t want me to?” he looked to me for approval.

“We don’t touch anyone if they don’t want us to, Pippy included,” I confirmed.

He thought about it for a few seconds then his look of understanding changed to that of bewilderment. “Even you?”

“Well I am a person, so yes, even me,” I chuckled. “But the good thing about Mummy and Daddy is that most of the time we’re okay with being touched.”

He took this as the permission he needed and leaned in to wrap his little arms around Piper and me, then sped off in the direction of his room without another word, giving no indication whether this was a lesson that would stick or not.

“Wow,” I heard Sidney behind me and whipped around to see him leaning against the entry to the dining room, with his arms crossed and a smile plastered to his face.

“I’m going to put a bell on you,” I grumbled. “I hate when you sneak up on me like that.”

“I didn’t want to interrupt the moment,” he shrugged and walked towards us, holding his arms out for Piper, who kicked her feet and gurgled at the sight of him. They were crazy about each other. If I wasn’t her number one source for vital nutrients I’d be a little jealous of how excited she got when he walked in the room. “Pip, Pip, horray!” he held her with his hands under her arms and raised her over his head. She giggled and grinned with he eyes fixed on him. Sidney repeated the action a few times before taking her comfortably in his arms, her bum resting on his forearm and her legs dangling over, his other arm across her chest so she could face me.

“Hello, Puppy,” I smiled at her then wrinkled my nose comedically. She reached out and I offered her my finger to grab.

“Was that our son’s first consent talk I just overheard?” he smirked and tilted his head to the side. He already knew the answer to this question.

“Opportunity knocked,” I felt my cheeks warm slightly but tried to shrug it off. “I just want him to know right and wrong, even if the rest of the world has a blurred idea of it.” I glanced up at him then let my eyes fall back on Piper who was pulling my finger to her mouth.

“You’ve been watching the news again haven’t you?” he asked, once again knowing my answer. Then lowered himself and Piper to the floor at my feet, his back resting against the couch and Piper now laying between his legs. With my finger now free from Piper’s grasp, I absentmindedly ran my hand through Sidney’s wavy hair, twisting the longer pieces around my fingers like I had many times before.

“Don’t you ever worry about them?” I sighed and slid onto the floor beside him and resting my head on his shoulder.

“Of course I do,” he repositioned himself so his arm was around my shoulders. “But not as much as you do.”

“I can’t help it,” I grumbled. “I keep reading about these horrible things happening, mass shootings, sexual violence, players in the league being convicted of rape. All of these terrible things that just keep happening. One in four women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime. What if something happens to Piper, or what if everything I try to teach Lachlan falls on deaf ears and he turns out to be a huge douchebag? What if there’s nothing we can do to protect them?”

“Aeb,” he chuckled and pulled me closer, using the nickname that was usually reserved for more playful moments. “You can’t let those kinds of things torment you. You’ll drive yourself crazy.”

“But people you know have been charged and convicted of sexual assault, and nothing seems to really happen to them.”

“I know, and it bothers me too. It bothers most people. But things are getting better.” He was saying everything I needed to hear, all the little reassuring statements he knew would calm me down enough to function again.

“I just want them to live in a good world,” I said quietly, my voice muffled by his chest.

“We’ll make a good world for them,” he promised. Piper was chewing on the thumb of his free hand, still popped between his legs, her sock clad feet spread out in front of her and her chubby baby body slouched against her daddy. “Besides, I know for a fact that they’ll make the world a better place.”

“How do you know that?” I searched for answers in his face, something to hold on to so I could stop worrying for just a few minutes.

“Because, you’re their mother. And that alone will lead them to greatness.”

Notes

It's no secret that I hate going so long without updating, but with a 5 course load and brain fog that could be the monster in a Stephen King novel writing is like pulling teeth. Which is why I hope this chapter is good. In parts I've noticed there's a kind of cadence to it, and I hope that is something you guys pick up on.

Part of the reason I'm struggling with writer's block so badly lately is because I know the end is near, and the idea of finishing this story and not hearing from readers and sharing all of this with so many wonderful people is terrifying. I'm trying to focus on the serenity that comes with the closing of both literal and metaphorical chapters, but it's hard not to want to bask in how lucky I've been to have so many of you care so much about the bizarre ideas that somehow make their way onto a page. I've said it many times, but thank you for reading this and for caring.

This sounds like some kind of goodbye message but it's not, there are still a few more chapters. A few more loose ends to tie up. A few more moments to share. But right now I'm just going to put this out into the world and hope that in the next few days when I try to write again I'll find some kind of clarity.
Good god I'm such a hippy.
xx- T