Just You and Me, Kid

Kasperi did not tell his parents that they may or may not be grandparents sometime next summer. He couldn’t look at his younger siblings and picture them as aunts or uncles. When he hung out with his friends, he couldn’t picture himself having to leave early so he could go home and take care of his child. He looked at himself in the mirror after brushing his teeth one morning. He looked terrible. The black eye was practically gone, but it had been replaced by deep circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. He looked and felt so much older, yet on the inside he was still just a kid. ‘I can’t have a baby,’ he said to himself.

He threw himself into hockey, extra practices, and working out more. He wanted to go out for runs in the morning, but since temperatures had dropped to -15C, even that was taken away from him. Instead he had to run laps inside, not really going anywhere, which only increased the growing sense of feeling trapped; no matter how far or fast he ran, he always ended up where he started. Nothing seemed to help.

Beth texted him constantly now that she was back in LA. Due to the time difference, they were hardly awake at the same time, so he didn’t worry about talking to her too much. She was upset she didn’t see him before he left, but she soon forgot about that. She mostly texted him dumb stuff like ‘what should we name her?’ and ‘I like the name Tiffany.’ Kasperi did not like the name Tiffany, but he really didn’t want to think about any of that. If you don’t think about it and talk about it it’s not happening, or at least that’s what he hoped. But when Beth started sending daily pictures of her growing bump it started to become harder to push from his mind. It’s a visual reminder that he can’t stop, it’s happening whether he wants it or not.

He tried to take Olli’s advice and not worry about it until he knew for sure he was the father, but it was impossible. He thought about what Olli had told him, that when Olli thought Hannah had been pregnant, it made him realize he wanted kids. For Kasperi, it was the opposite. He’d always wanted a family one day, when he was older; but now the thought of having a baby made him sick.

He replayed his kiss with Hannah over and over again until the feeling of her lips was permanently cast in his brain. He even enjoyed the part where she punched him in the face. He was starting to think maybe he should see a therapist.

When Kasperi heard that Olli and Hannah would be in Finland for Christmas he wondered if he would get to see them. Well, he wanted to see Hannah, at least. He was sure that if he saw Olli he’d get another black eye, and possibly a few broken bones.

Christmas would be strange this year. It was possibly his last Christmas as a kid. Next year, he might have a little baby, experiencing its first Christmas….

He was 18, he had just been drafted into the NHL, he should not be having a baby. He had been born in his dad’s first year in the NHL, but his dad was 23, not 18. And he was married, and, Kasperi’s mom was not some crazy, dumb, girl that didn’t know how to use contraceptives. He could have sworn he had always worn a condom. ‘Always wrap it before you tap it’ was his motto, but there must have been one, or two, times he forgot. Perhaps a drunken night when he was trying to forget that he was falling in love with Hannah, and that he had to settle for her sister instead, the thought of using a condom slipped his mind.


He got the news of Olli and Hannah’s engagement two days after Christmas. His Christmas hadn’t gone well, though it was nice to see his younger siblings happy, it only reminded him that next year could be very different. He heard it from Beth, who claimed she was going to be the maid of honor.

“No you’re not, Hannah would never-” Kasperi retorted with disgust before he could think about it. “I mean, that’s unlikely…”

“Of course I’ll be her maid of honor, I’m her sister . Do you think you’ll be Olli’s best man?”

No, he didn’t. Beth didn’t know that Kasperi had kissed Hannah, and that he was pretty much in love with her. “He might ask me to, I don’t know.”

Beth continued talking, but all Kasperi could think about was Hannah and Olli’s engagement. “I have a game in a few hours, I can’t talk about this.”

“So what? It’s just a game, this is much more important. My sister is getting married, doesn’t that mean anything to you? You’ll practically be her brother in law.”

It meant so much to Kasperi, but he couldn’t tell Beth, he couldn’t tell anyone. “You couldn’t have at least waited until after the game?”

“How was I supposed to know when you have a game or not?”

“There’s a schedule, it’s posted online.”

“Whatever. Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got another ultrasound a few days ago; my doctor thinks the baby will be due in early July, maybe the 5th. Isn’t that exciting?”

‘Great, I’ll be a dad before I turn 19,’ Kasperi thought, “When are you getting a paternity test?”

“You’re the only guy I’ve slept with, why don’t you believe me?” Beth paused, and he thought she was crying. “I’m scared too, okay? But we’re going to have to do this together, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” he added quickly. “I have to go, I have a game soon.”

He played terribly, got too many penalties, and by the end of the second period, the coach was thinking of benching him. He ignored his dad’s questions about his game performance after the game and went straight to his room, and poured himself a drink.

After a few more drinks, he’d convinced himself that it was appropriate for him to text Hannah and congratulate her on her engagement. If that was all he had said, it would have been okay. Being emotionally unstable and well into his fifth or sixth drink, he added a few more texts after. It started off with: ‘I guess now I never have a chance with you,’ and ‘I wish it was you I’d knocked up and not Beth,’ until she finally responded.

‘Kasper, you’re drunk.’ She didn’t say anything else, and he knew she was probably busy filming her movie. He couldn’t help but feel proud of her. She’d worked hard and was finally achieving her dream, unlike him. His time in the NHL was something he wished he could forget, and hopefully it would be better next time the Penguins asked him back, if they ever did. If he didn’t improve his game, even Kalpa might not want him on their roster.

His father’s constant pestering about his terrible performance finally pushed him to move out. He had been thinking about it for a while, but now it was too much. He wanted to be alone, and he didn’t really care where he lived, as long as it wasn’t with his parents.

It was not hard to find the perfect bachelor pad: an open concept style apartment that had a beautiful master bathroom. He didn’t care about the view, or how nice the fixtures were, as long as it was in working condition. He didn’t bother to furnish it more than necessary. Kasperi didn’t plan on bringing any girls home, so it didn’t really matter what it looked like.

There was an empty room near the master bedroom. The real estate agent said it would be a nice office or a ‘man cave.’ Or a nursery, Kasperi thought.



The oppressing darkness of winter in Finland was something he should have been used to by now, but every year it was a struggle and this year was no different. Except he was feeling more alone and depressed than he had ever before. At least he still had his teammates, although they were starting realize something was up.

After a road game against HIFK in Helsinki, the team decided to go out and celebrate their win.

“Come on guys, bars in Helsinki are so much better than in Kuopio!” Niko yelled from the other side of the showers, “I’m telling you, I was here for new years last week, girls from the south are wilder!”

“Dude, is pussy really all you think about…” Kasperi moped, he just wasn’t feeling it. He should be on a high after such a win but all he could think about was Hannah. Beth told him they had started looking at wedding dresses, and the thought of Hannah in a wedding dress gave him butterflies, but not in a good way.

“KASSU, snap out of it… Dude you are going with us! “ Niko was on a mission and Tero just backed him up. “I don’t care if we have to drag you to Kallio by you fluffy hair, you are going with us!”

“Kaspoodle!” the guys erupted into laughter.

“Joonas you’re a dickhead!” Kasperi couldn’t quite call his teammates friends, they were more like brothers: they bully each other, but they always have each others back when it matters.

Tero decided to take charge of the situation, “Bitches, listen up, food first.”

“BURGERS!”

Kasperi doesn’t even know why he still asks; they always do the same thing. They always eat the same thing; Tero has the Kerrosateria and Kassu the pekoniateria at Hesburger.

“Joonas you’re eating like a pig” Tero complained.

“And smelling like one.. Dude what the fuck is that, you are so not my wingman tonight. I’m summoning my man Kaspoodle for duty.”

“Niko, knock it off. I’ll have it cut; happy?” Kasperi ignored their attempts to ruffle his hair.

“Euphorious, but you my friend need to get out of your slump. Live a little, go wild.” Niko has always been a ladies man, there is no way he could ever fall for a girl. Looking around the table Kasperi compared himself to his teammates. He realised he was in a different mindset. He couldn’t be as careless and reckless as them.

“Kasperi, don’t tell me you’re getting anorexic, you’ve barely touched your food.”

“His butt is rather big and always gets in the way, maybe he’s come to a breaking point.”

After that comment from Joonas he couldn’t hold it in anymore, Kasperi burst out laughing.

He pulled himself back together and put on his most serious face. “Guys I have a confession...” He looked every guy in the eye. “I am the fourth Kardashian sister.” The gang was wiping tears from their eyes and catching their breath after that comment.
While the guys were finishing their meal and joking around they got a call from their team mate Saku: he was already wasted. He had decided to skip dinner and go straight to the beer. He was going to meet them at this bar called “bar 21” in Kallio.

As soon as they walked in, the boys immediatly knew they were in the right bar. They could hear Saku singing along to the jukebox and drumming his hand onto the table. Next to him was a redhead laughing at his ‘brilliant’ vocal abilities.

“Finally you guys made it I’ve been waiting for hours!”

“Saku, you’re drunk,” Tero commented.

“And sexy” he replied while rubbing his nipples through his shirt.

“You are so full of yourself,” Kasperi was shocked.

“I scored on the ice, now I get to score some pussy!” He practically screamed from the bar. However, his joy was short lived, the redhead sitting next to him slapped him on the belly causing him to groan.

“Hey, I’m more than just a pussy at least introduce me to them!” She insisted.

“Guys this is Ksenia, and m’lady these are some of the guys on my team: Tero, Kasperi, Joonas and Niko.”

The evening continued with stories being exchanged with the Kalpa boys and Ksenia’s group of friends, and, of course, lots of drinking.

Kasperi wasn’t sure if it was his sadness causing him to imagine things, or whether it was an alcohol induced hallucination, but he suddenly saw Hannah walking towards the back of the bar. Everything froze for a second. His heart stopped beating, but he heard the blood roaring through his ears. He blinked a few times and realised he needed to act fast, he couldn’t lose her again. He jumped up from the booth knocking over people’s drink but he didn’t care, he had a mission.

He stopped Hannah right before she entered the backroom where the pool table was. He turned her around and their lips crashed together in a burst of passion. He kissed her like it was the last thing he would do, and in that kiss he told her how much he wanted her, how he missed her, how she meant the world to him.

When the kiss ended, he opened his eyes and the spell was broken. Those were not the green eyes he’d been dreaming of.

“Hi stranger,” she winked.

Kasperi was shocked; he was sure it had been Hannah, the body fits, even the loose pieces of hair coming out from under the hat were so Hannah.

“OK, if you don’t want to say anything that’s good. You can continue with the kissing,” She smiled, and it was just enough like Hannah’s to trick his brain again.

Kasperi knew he shouldn’t do this, but he just needed to feel something, and if he closed his eyes, it was Hannah in his arms. He needed to feel safe and ok; It’s an illusion, but it’s what he needed.That, and some more booze.

The last thing he remembered that night was Hannah (or Noora, as she called herself) dragging him from the metro at the Kuolosaari stop, after that everything becomes a blur.

The next morning reality came crashing in. He woke up at Noora’s place with his phone buzzing somewhere in the room. Seven missed calls: the team can’t find him and they needed to leave… 15 minutes ago. He already knows his dad will hear about what he’s done. Kasperi was not sure how he was going to get home, and he was not looking forward to what would be waiting for him when he did.

Notes

Translations:
Kallio - going out neighborhoud in Helsinki
Hesburger - a fastfood chain in Finland
Kerrosateria - big burger menu
pekoniateria - bacon burger menu
Kuolosaari - an island in Helsinki

Thank you for reading! We hoped you like it!! Please leave feedback, comments, anything!!
Please read chapters 25-32 of Film Strips and Hockey Sticks if you haven't already! This is a spin off of that, and those chapters address what happened to Kasperi in Pittsburgh.
-Lila + Mel