Kalpa’s last home game of the regular season was March 9 against Lukko. Everyone came out to support Kalpa, and it should have been a great game, but these days, nothing went right for Kasperi. His mom and siblings were there, and of course his dad was; Sami was at every game. Kasperi hated seeing his worried, watchful expression everytime he came off the ice. If he played poorly, Sami assumed it was because of the stress of the baby. If he played well, it didn’t seem to matter any more. Kasperi had given up trying to play well for his dad, and just tried to play as well as he could. Hockey was still his future, his career, and he was trying hard not to ruin his place in the NHL, or even here in Kuopio.

“Let’s win tonight, boys!” Joonas said on their way out to the ice. Most of the team was smiling, and excited for the upcoming playoffs. Kasperi would have been pretty psyched too, if he hadn’t been so distracted lately.

Beth’s daily updates had subsided a bit, sometimes only weekly pictures. He was relieved, in a way, except her messages now carried a darker tone. Things hadn’t been going so well for Beth and she was starting to take it out on Kasperi. Her career was not going the way she thought it would. There was not as much interest in pregnant models as she thought there would be. She was either too fat to look normal, or not big enough to look pregnant. It didn’t help that she’d started gaining weight faster than expected. She wasn’t the thin model she used to be, now she was borderline average. Even her face looked different. She didn’t have that ‘pregnancy glow’ any more that was so sought after. Things were falling apart and reality was catching up to Beth.

Her new ‘spiritual advisor’ Deryck brought her to a friend who claimed to be a psychic. This ‘Madame Zelda’ had a reputation as being a ‘psychic to the stars’ and had quite a success rate, despite the lack of evidence behind her ‘psychic readings.’ Regardless, Beth let her study her palm and listened to what she had to say with interest.

“He has a very bright future, many important things will happen to him,” Madam Zelda began after holding Beth’s hands a murmuring some kind of chant, and putting her hand on Beth’s stomach.

“Kaspy?” Beth asked with a smile, and the psychic shook her head.

“The baby. Many good things will happen to him.”

Beth’s heart sank. “No, it’s supposed to be a girl. Are you sure it’s a boy?” She hiccupped a sob and blinked away the few tears that formed at the edges of her eyes.

“No, no it’s definitely a boy,” Madam Zelda shook her head. “But this...Kaspy? The father?”

Beth nodded, and she continued. “It is not a good relationship, no?” Again, Beth nodded, and the psychic continued. “He is...far away, I can feel there is distance in your relationship?”

“Yes, he’s in Finland. What about him?”

“The relationship is not going anywhere; it is a dead end. However, I see a new love in your future. I see change, many new changes.”

“New love?” The cog’s in Beth's brain started turning, already pushing Kasperi out of the picture.

She left the psychic feeling confused, yet she liked the prospect of having a new flame in the future. Were she and Kaspy really over? That wasn’t the worst part. She was having a boy, and that was not something she could handle. This baby was supposed to be her perfect little princess, her mini-me, her little doll that she could dress up and play with.

“Hey, she’s just a psychic, it could be wrong,” Deryck, also her new manager, advised. “You can always get an ultrasound and find out.”

Beth shook her head. “No, if Madame Zelda saw it in the stars, than it must be so.”

To anyone else, this would have been a sarcastic statement, but poor Beth believed almost everything anyone told her, especially psychics. Her mother had always been a huge follower of zodiac signs, and Beth grew to put belief and trust into them as if they were facts.

She called Kasperi that night. It was already morning in Finland, and he was up and getting ready for the Lukko game. He meant to ignore the call, but he was slightly hung over. He had gotten into the habit of drinking before going to bed. Nowadays he just couldn’t seem to sleep without having at least a buzz going. Seeing that he was still not himself yet, he accidentally answered her call.

Between sobs, Beth poured out everything about the psychic and Kasperi’s first reaction was to try to get her to calm down. ‘It was just a psychic, what does she know?’

But then he realized this was his chance to escape.

“You’re right, there is a lot of distance between us. Perhaps this relationship is ending, I don’t know.” He was actually smiling for the first time in months, and he tried to hide his happiness from his voice.

“Don’t say that Kaspy! There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

Yeah, I’m in love with your sister. But Kasperi couldn’t say that, not to Beth, not to anyone. “There have been a few girls, but nothing permanent.”

Beth was quiet for a moment, quieter than Kasperi thought she would have been. He assumed she would be in tears, screaming at him.

“I don’t blame you. I’m so ugly now. No one would want me like this.”

“I’m sure someone still finds you beautiful.”

“My manager does. He’s kind of my spiritual advisor now, too.” Beth had a hint in her voice that Kaperi recognized immediately: Beth had a crush on her manager. She got quiet again, and Kasperi thought she’d hung up. “But he doesn’t like that I’m pregnant, and he says he doesn’t like kids….maybe you were right, I should have gotten an abortion.”

She sounded different, distant and alone.

“Maybe you should call Hannah. Have you talked to her lately?” He was worried about Beth, yet couldn’t help asking about Hannah.

“Not since they stopped planning the wedding,” she added, sounding more morose than before. Kasperi’s heart skipped a beat. Stopped planning the wedding? Did they break up?

“What? Why’d they stop planning their wedding?” He couldn’t hide the anxiety in his voice, and his heart started beating faster.

“Why do you care?” Beth spat, anger replacing sadness. “I don’t know, Hannah was too busy with her movie or something.”

The shred of hope he had created disintegrated, and with it his shaky self confidence. Lately he felt like he was clasping at the last strings of sanity. Hockey was not a distraction any more, but a burden, a weight; it was a major effort to get on the ice and skate, let alone play like the first round draft pick he had been last year.

He got off the phone and trudged through his daily routines in a zombie-like state. He found himself in the locker room, listening to the coach talk about the upcoming game against Lukko, the last home game of the season. Joonas said something and slapped him on the back as he walked by to head out to the ice.

Kasperi was slowly slipping downhill, and he tried to regain his focus as he warmed up. The game started, and he found himself in the penalty box for a careless error. At first intermission, the coach yelled at him for taking a penalty so early in the game and for such a stupid reason, but Kasperi didn’t care. His head was full of so many buzzing thoughts, none of them hockey, and his heart was empty.

Halfway through the second period, Kasperi lost it. A player for Lukko chirped him, like any other hockey game, but this time it hit Kasperi the wrong way. He pushed him back and they exchanged a few more words until the gloves came off. Kasperi had never been much of a fighter, but he started throwing punches like a pro. Even after the Lukko player fell to the ice and his teammates told him to stop, Kasperi kept hitting. Punch after punch, releasing all the pent up anger and frustration from the past few months: Hannah, Beth and the baby, not making it in the NHL, Hannah and Olli getting engaged, Beth not taking a paternity test, playing poorly in Kalpa, Hannah….

The refs finally pulled him off and he was kicked out the the game, the other player got taken to the medic room. The game was paused to clean up the blood, and Kasperi sat numbly in the locker room.

He had taken off most of his gear and was just staring at his bleeding knuckles when his dad came in. Sami was quiet; if it were any other circumstance he would have yelled at him, or had someone else in management talk to him, but Sami insisted he do it himself.

“Kassu,” he sat down next to him and put his hand on his shoulder. “They’re probably going to suspend you a couple of games, but you already know that. I’d ask why you did it, but I know. Perhaps you can use this time off to think about things.”

Kasperi shrugged, “There really isn’t much to think about any more, and thinking about it only makes it worse.”

“I’m so sorry,” Sami whispered, seeing his sons pain. “Why don’t I take you home now, okay? But first, lets get your hands fixed up.”



Kasperi’s mind was blank as the medic wrapped up his hands. He barely remembered getting into his dads car, or the ride to his apartment. Sami made sure Kasperi got into bed, and said he’d check in the next morning.

Kasperi needed a drink more than ever; his life had reached a new low, and he didn’t hesitate to reach for the bottle of Koskenkorva that now lived next to his bed. He turned on the tv and flipped through the channels mindlessly, but nothing sparked his interest. He was about to give up trying to find something and drink himself out of his miseries, when his phone lit up.

He picked it up to see who was calling, and thought he was hallucinating. “Hannah?” He looked at his phone for a moment and tried to figure out what was happening. Was this a prank?

“Hey,” he said, when he finally answered the phone.

“I’m sorry, I know this is probably pretty late for you, it’s, what, midnight?” Hannah sounded distracted, stressed, and possibly a little tipsy?

“It’s almost midnight, but I don’t mind, if you want to talk.”

“It’s about Beth. She said you told her to call me; she was pretty upset. Did you tell her it was over between you guys?”

“Kind of, she said some psychic told her we were breaking up, and I didn’t deny it. I mean, we were never actually dating, so-”

“Kasperi! You can’t say that to her! She’s an emotional wreck right now, and this? She’s not made for this kind of stress….”

“She isn’t?” Kasperi laughed. “And what about me? I’m just supposed to be happy about it? She is the one that wanted to keep it. Why should I pretend everything is lovey dovey?”

“You can handle this, you’re doing great,” she added encouragingly, yet absently.

“I punched a guy over and over again when he was on the ground, until my knuckles were bleeding, and I got suspended for the rest of the season and the first few games of the post-season because I just couldn’t take it anymore; is that handling it well? And it’s not just Beth and the baby, it’s so much more than that. You don’t know me at all!”

“What do you mean?” Hannah added after a pause.

“A few weeks ago, I slept with some random girl because I thought she looked kind of like you. This morning, when Beth said you had stopped planning your wedding, I thought you and Olli might have broken up. I am embarrassed to admit how happy I was for that brief moment -”

“Kasperi!” Hannah interrupted him again. “You and me are never EVER going to be a thing, okay? You kissed me, once, and then I punched you in the face, I’m sorry that was too subtle. Got it?”

“Yeah. But Hannah?”

“What.”

“I don’t really have much going for me anymore. Sometimes, I hope the baby actually is mine, because I know that I’ll be able to see you if it is.”

Hannah sighed, and he could tell she was probably rolling her eyes. “I’ll still see you regardless of who the father of Beth’s baby is. You’re still a Penguin, and if you make the team next year, I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

Kasperi thought for a minute; somehow that hadn’t occurred to him. “You’re right. I need to make the team next year…”

“Sounds like a plan,” she added, sounding more distracted than before. “Good night Kasperi!”

“Goodnight Hannah,” he said as she hung up the phone. "Minä rakastan sinua."

“I love you,” he repeated with a sorrowful laugh as he picked up the bottle of Koskenkorva again.

As Kasperi was thinking about his lips touching Hannah’s, his lips were touching the cold glass of the vodka bottle. it was the only love he was getting. It wasn’t helping the void in his heart but the alcohol made it less noticeable.

Notes

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