Hawks Are Meant to Fly

Halfway through the short little practice, Patrick feels light-headed. He sits down on the bench and tries to clear his mind. He sighs and drops his head into his hands. How can he carry on and NOT tell Jonathan. Jonny has always been there for him and he loves him, but Kessel has broken him.

Through the practice he isn’t himself. He is missing wide open nets and falling on the ice. He is out of sync and he knows that his best friend is deeply concerned for him. The Chicago Captain has told Patrick to sit down and clear his mind.

But something just isn’t right.

And the more he thinks about it, the more he cries. His eyes well up with tears and soon he is struggling just to keep them dry. He watches as the love of his life skates around smoothly and skillfully. His skating is so perfect and professional...and the way he moves. Damn, Patrick loves that.

He knows that Jonny feels the same way about him.

He peeks through his hands to watch him, oogling his friend’s perfect body and how it curves to perfection in every way. He is special and lucky to have landed the perfect man as his lover and best friend. That is Jonathan Toews.

But as he is stuck watching Jonathan, his hands slowly fall from his face and his mind wanders to Phil Kessel. He remembers how he first saw the Maple Leaf in the parking lot and how he had ambushed him. How the man had grabbed his wrists and slammed him against his own car and then manhandled him.

Phil had violated him, touching him inappropriately and without his consent and had dry humped him and kissed him and then had raped him. In his own car.

Patrick shutters at the memory and winces. He notices Jonathan looking at him. The older man skids over and halts on the other side of the bench. He leans on it, with his elbows and stares at Patrick. The blond gazes into the warm amber eyes of his centerman, which glitter with concern.

Patrick can feel himself clenching at the gorgeous, shiny eyes. And suddenly, Jonathan leans forward and presses his lips to Patrick’s. The blond freezes in place, at first welcoming the feeling, until...

He suddenly thinks about Kessel again. He remembers how the man had leaned over and took him by surprise, pressing his lips to Patrick’s, muting his screams, as he struggled desperately against the hold on him. He had tried to shout for him to get off. He had shouted, “Get off of me! Let me go!” But the Leaf had ignored him and made out with him.

He remembers how Phil had stuck his tongue into his mouth too and forced his way into the blond. And then how he’d shoved him into the car and quickly got in and locked the door. He had been so scared and he had wanted nothing more than to escape and be with Jonny...but the memory of Phil’s mouth just lingers.

Patrick shoves Jonathan backward, knocking him off his skates. “Please, please don’t kiss me right now, Jonny.”

Jonathan landed on the ice and instantly pushed himself to his side and scrambled back up to his skates. “But--Kaner...Peeks, what’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it or to you! I’m--I’m going home!! I can’t be here!”

“Peeks!”

Patrick gets to his feet and races off down the tunnel, leaving his skates, gloves and stick, helmet behind. He buries his face in his hands and shakes it, sobbing uncontrollably. The centre just steps into the bench area.

Patrick bursts into the locker room. His memory still flooding his mind. He can’t stop thinking about it. It is like he is reliving it all over and it hurts.

“Why? Why do you love me?” he asked the Maple Leaf.

And the Leaf had responded with, “Who doesn’t? You’re a fucking stud, Kaner. Surely you know that.” And then had reached into his bag and pulled out some ropes. “Won’t you come and spend the night with me, Kanerboo?”

He had tried once more to scream and beg and plead, shouting, “No. Let me go! I want Jonny!”

And how the evil man had taunted him with, “Well, Jonny’s not here, only Kess and Kess wants Kaner!”

Patrick remembers launching for the handle, trying desperately to get out, but Phil grabbed him and, after a serious effort, had managed to tie the blond’s arms behind his back. Patrick fought him in vain and began to cry, screaming, as Phil flipped him over on his back, trapping his arms underneath him.

“No! Kess, stop!” he had wailed.

But Phil just continued to ignore him and go against his wishes. “Come and spend the night with me Kanerboo. It’ll be a blast!”

He hates Kessel because of what he has done to him. He can’t enjoy Jonny and he has just blown Jonathan off. He slams the locker room door shut and locks it. He slams his hand on the switch, plunging the room into deep darkness. He doesn’t care. He finds his way forward, to his stall and then sits down. In the dark.

The scene still runs through his mind. He relives the worst of the rape scene now and it makes him clench and tighten. He tenses at the memory and whimpers. Soon he slides to the floor and curls into a ball, grabbing his legs with his hands and arms.

He remembers Phil reaching into his back and slipping on a pair of black gloves. And then he can feel the man reaching up again and brushing his hair to the side and then clamping one of his hands over his mouth. He gasps for air in the dark locker room, crying harder. And then with his other hand, he can feel the Leaf beginning to rape him again. It causes him to squirm and move around on the ground, where he is sitting in the locker room.

Phil isn’t gentle with him, just like he wasn’t at the time of the crime and Patrick screams and thrashes about, uncomfortable and feeling excessively violated. He wiggles around, as though trying to slip out of the ropes binding his wrists together, but can’t. He remembers this as well. How helpless he was. How terrified.

But Phil had ignored him and his cries and continued to rape him, touching, groping, fondling...manhandling him. Then he remembers the hand being removed from him and from his mouth. It had reached into his bag again. And this time the Leaf had withdrawn a roll of duct tape.

“No!! No!!” Patrick screams, tears streaking down his cheeks in the dark room.

He can feel Kessel wiping the tears from his face with his gloved fingers and then wrapping the adhesive around his mouth and head three times and pasting it in place, lightly slapping his cheek at the end.

“Now, now, it won’t be so bad. I’ll be fun and I’ll take good care of you. I hate to gag you, but I can’t have you alerting your Captain okay. Let’s go. I gotta get back to my house in Toronto.” The man had said to him and his voice echoes in Patrick’s ears, as he thinks about Phil stuffing the roll of tape back into the bag and unlocked the doors, finally.

Patrick had put up a desperate fight and struggle. He remembers tossing his head about and trying to get the tape off of him, while shifting his torso in sharp jerks wanting to get out of the ropes binding him.

But Phil had slid out and then yanked Patrick out, by the legs. And then dragged him over to a cab and to his hell time. He remembers all of it. And he can’t stop thinking about Phil Kessel on him, in him and all over him. He can feel the Leaf’s fingers caress him, hear his deep voice in his ear and feel his disgusting lips on his.

Phil Kessel isn’t Jonathan Toews and he never will be.

But how can he do anything about it. Kessel will show up and he will win. The Leaf will fuck him and rape him again and there will be nothing Patrick or Jonathan can do. He has to live with this now…

He hates it. He hates not being with Jonny.

Suddenly, he hears a loud knock at the door to the locker room. A voice follows. “Patrick?! Peeksy, are you in there, it’s Jonny!”

“Go away!”

“Peeks, let’s talk, please open the door and tell me what’s wrong. I’m here for you. You always tell me what’s wrong. How is this any different?”

“It is. It just is. Please leave me alone and go away.”

“Peeks, I can’t. I’m worried about you.”

“I don’t care Jonny!! I just -- I want to die!”

“Kaner, don’t say that! What’s going on, please tell me?!” Jonathan jiggles the handle to the door. It is locked and doesn’t budge. He sighs heavily behind the door.

“I can’t Jonny. I just can’t!”

“Who hurt you?! Was it Tyler? Was it Brad Marchand? Was it a Blackhawk? I’ll kick any one of there asses for you!”

“No, no...it’s…none of them, I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“No you aren’t, Kaner. You haven’t been yourself since you reappeared. Something happened to you and I will find out and I will help you and make someone pay. I want you back Peeks.”

He can’t find out, can he? If I just tell Jonny…but... Patrick hits his head with his hand, he is so unsure of what to do. He really wants to tell Jonathan, but he is afraid. He is afraid of Kessel and what the Leaf can do. He doesn’t want to chance it.

He has to suck it up and deal with the circumstances. He gets to his feet, shakingly and unlocks the door, somehow feeling his way through the darkness. He instantly throws his arms around Jonathan, who embraces him back.

“You were sitting in the dark?”

“It doesn’t matter, I love you Jonny. I really do. We’ll make it through my problems. We’ve made it through many times before.”

Jonathan clutches him tightly and strokes his hair, gently. “I love you too, Peeks.” He rests his head on top of his sniffling friend, holding him closely.

Notes

OMG, poor little Peekaboo...poor Kanerboo...
So I was watching - finally - the Hat Trick series for the Winter Classic with the Hawks and Caps and it was sooooo adorable in one scene where Jonny was whining when he had to leave the game, you know when he got hurt, going into the boards, which I hated seeing again and he stayed to watched Kaner score and then walked down the tunnel and he said, “Good job Kaner” The narrator made it sound soooooo sad. He was like “And Patrick Kane’s goal is the last thing Jonathan Toews will see.” And then he sat in his stall to wait and he looked so sad….it was frickin adorable!!
…I almost cried feeling for him. But I’m sure Kanerboo gave him a big hug and was like, “I dedicated that goal to you, Jonny!” (At least I hope so.)
And then JONNY YELLED AT A REF CAUSE MARCHY HIT KANER FROM BEHIND AND HE SOUNDED WORRIED!!!!!!!!!! :PPPP
Anyway, this just was heartbreaking to write, but it's sooooooooooooooo adorable. Jonny <3 Kanerboo. :P XD
Oh and I also learned that Q calls Seabs "Peanut Butter" :PPPP That's the new nickname for him!!!! XDDDD


Next up: Settle Down Kaner, Please, Jonny's Just Trying to Help You Out